I know a lot of the moms(and maybe their daughters)are interested in how things are going in this situation with the gym class difficulties(which almost became a phobia of avoidance for Kimmy). A lot of the girls on the gURL website(her own peers)told her to SUCK IT UP and get on with life BUT many have offered her EXCELLENT suggestions for solving these issues and showing improvement. She was upset at the SUCK IT UP Comments but she realized the girls had all passed PE Class and she has not. Kimmy and I do have good communication(now that she is living with me and the Gossip Girls type social clique from her past is a thing of the past with me). She and I read her own entries on the gURL website about this issue and they were WHINEY and immature for a 9th Grader.Kimmy is making progress toward solving this. Again many of the comments on the websiteto her from girls who have taken an interest have been supportive and several offered excellent strategies to improve her physical fitness. Here we go with the progress as the First Nine Week Grading Period ended at the school on Friday. Her two PE Teachers met with me and Kimmy will get a C (passing grade) 70 (lowest possible passing grade at that school)for Physical Education. With the P(Passing) Grade brought with her from that class at the public high school in North Carolina for five of the nine weeks(PE/Health was taught in a computer lab with interactive software...casual clothes,flipflops,snacks,you get the image. Actual physical activity -free choice-was 30 minutes on Fridays there... I know many of you,like me,don't see the logic of Physical Education taught by computer,but very few public schools even require specific physical fitness classes with vigorous fitness requirements even as the state of youth health in the U>S> declines. Health Education could certainly be taught with software but Physical Education....GIVE ME A BREAK as they say on the television program with John Stoessel.With the emphasis in the public schools on basic ACADEMIC SKILLS testing many public schools have or are eliminating physical education requirements,health/safety ed.,the arts,home economics/consumer living,vocational ed.,continuing on and on.I know it my heart it was the right decision to transfer my daughter to an all girls private school here in Virginia. I really think there is an opportunity for Kimmy to experience support but demands,high standards,and leadership development/community service. The comments many of you made to my original entry(OP) about a week ago have been both helpful and thoughtful,most recently from plumbly 22. Because Kimmy's PE grade was passing from the transfer school,she got an excellent(28 out of 30 points)on the written Field Hockey Skills Test for the first unit this year,30 of 50 points on the performance skills testing(fitness,field hockey,beginner ballet,beginning swimming class-Red Cross Level I completed---one step forward) and 12 points participation(including a very generous 10 points from the transfer class since it was ungraded at that school...S/U or P/F symbols;2 points were granted for Kimmy completing 2 hours of the PE Detention last week as the grading period ended)resulting in a score of 70. The ladies told Kimmy that the non-participation/dressing out/not showering after PE Class/ballet/swimming was at an end. The transfer points from her previous school was at only for the first grading period. Kimmy told them that she was going to get the remaining 4 hours of PE Detention served next week and NEVER AGAIN. Those sessions are very hard on her (think two PE Teachers,several girls as gym assistants,and constant activities...military boot camp style...you get the image.. Kimmy was proud of herself for getting through two afternoons of that and not passing out but yes,you guessed it,she did throw up both sessions but the other girls did not laugh at her the second day. They offered her some of their bottled water and helped her keep going until it was finished.) The ladies told Kimmy that the girls serving as student gym assistants were there to help them but Kimmy doesn't buy that part. It's a peer thing and that new kid at school situation. When you see some girls able to do the activities so well and yes,look so good in their work out clothes which of course,the assistants get to CHOOSE,its easy for a younger student to see the "glass half empty" instead of half-full. The PE teachers explained to Kimmy the solution for the wet hair(except the chlorine remains on swim class day) was a shower cap since PE/ballet/swim class for 9th Graders is first class bell(90 minutes) each day. Except for the swim class day,no wet hair for her the other days at school. Hair that air dries sticks out on her..she says she looks like a porcupine. The TEMPORARY SOLUTION to the gymsuit issue is the combination blue shorts/blue leotard with white knee type athletic socks/athletic shoes...you get the visual image..I am still trying to find some remote source for the blue onepiece gymsuit Kimmy threw away(not "lost"). The reason the school does not have any larger size (XL) gymsuits remaining this year is that they repurchase them from Senior Girls at the end of each school year to use for the upcoming school year as needed. The school has massive amounts of the gymsuits in smaller sizes from years in the past(think 1950's,1960's) but they don't fit Kimmy due to the one-piece style. I'm still trying to locate a source and feel perhaps there may be some girls private school somewhere they may have an XL size. 5'6",150 lbs.(Kimmy and I are both working together on the weight issue too). Showering after PE Class/ballet/swimming is not an option but Kimmy was allowed to wear her bathing suit except on swim class day itself when the suit has to be removed because of the chlorine. This is really a compromise Kimmy understands - 1 day butt naked instead of 5. With PE/swim Class being first class of the day(you can imagine how the 9th Grade Girls react to that when Senior Girls have PE last class period then go home or to activities/dorm rooms,etc.)I explained to Kimmy the hygiene aspects and that swimming pool chlorine can affect the body as well as the hair color. I talked with Kimmy about my getting her doctor(still a pediatrician and you know how she reacts to those office visits with the little kids staring at her and laughing and their moms quieting them but that's another story for another day)to write a note of permanent excuse from Physical Education Requirements or a note requesting the Adapted PE Class but Kimmy almost jumped out of the car. Then I realized the true impact of peer pressure on girls today. Something may be difficult or embarrassing,but they are in together and have to solve it together(with hopefully their moms support and understanding). As she put it,Kimmy said it was tough for her,but she knew she was going to solve it not drop it. Being the ONLY 9th Grader in a study hall(instead of PE) or the only 9th Grade girl without a true medical restriction in the Adapted/individualized PE /swim Class would have certainly resulted in more negative peer pressure and emotional scenes. In no way is the problem solved but there has been progress. The PE Teachers told Kimmy the PE Unit next grading period was Gymnastics/Tumbling (you should have seen her eyes as she was thinking about the balance beam and rope climb requirements),beginner ballet continues(PINK Leotard and everything although we both laugh WITH each other now that she looks like the Energizer Bunny on the television ads....you can only imaginethe image of PINK everything from the hair tie down to the slippers)and she now has to start Red Cross Level II Swim Requirements(she still sinks but I reminded Kimmy the girls serving as pool assistants who are on the swim team get her above the surface again and that her skills and swim endurance will improve with practice). Passing the Skills Level I swim test was a boost to her confidence. The school swim test comes again in January as first semester ends. I continue to show Kimmy all of the entries on this forum as I think many of the moms (and their daughters) are pulling for her success and do understand improvement is difficult but possible(the "glass half full" Concept not half empty).Kimmy understands that. I also have her in Aquatic Fitness Class with me to improve confidence in the water and endurance. She is in the Red Cross Babysitting/CPR Class two evenings where the Red Cross instructors also take the time to review swimming test requirements with her;youth bible study is one evening,and I am starting her activity with a neighbor (she is a Certified PE Teacher and teaches at the elementary school level not at Kimmy's School) to help Kimmy prepare for the Series 10 Physical Fitness Test in mid-November at her school(the Monday-Wednesday of the Thanksgiving Week)(10 fitness tests in 3 days,100 possible points,passing grade of 70 C required,which counts as the first semester exam;testing repeated in June for second semester). Each student has to choose the order of the events they will do(4 events day 1,3 events day 2,3 events day 3 with one retake allowed on day 3 among all the events if a score of 70 had not been earned). Maybe some of the moms(and their daughters) might remember those physical fitness tests since obviously there must be a strategy from a physical standpoint,as to events to group together. In my days of PE(1980's) we simply did them as one group,everyone doing the tests at the same time. At this school,to develop decision-making and self-responsibility skills,the girls rotate to event stations in the order they choose but they are responsible for the results and their endurance over the 3 days. Any ideas for a strategy there or maybe your daughters might have some ideas. Kimmy is now interested in being on the Field Hockey team next year and it seems to be a sport that could be started at high school age. She is still trying to come up with a solution to the whacks on the butt and back of the thighs with the hockey sticks during the PE Class hockey activity but I told her on a team,her teammates would look out for each other. She has not yet come up with a solution in PE Class when some of the other girls come up behind her during the game with rough stick play...new kid experience again...and again) and Kimmy does not want to risk more PE Detention Hours. She feels she would be the one punished for fighting/lack of sportsmanship. She is trying to be cooperative with the gym teachers. Those ladies made a believer of her with the PE Detention. I knew I could not show up there but you can only imagine how bad I felt for her getting off the activity bus last Thursday and Friday at 6:00 and simply going to bed. Please keep the ideas and support coming. It's good karma. I show Kimmy all the feedback here(but you guessed it,she only shows me SOME of the girl feedback from the sisterhood of the gURL website,as I think about it,probably very little of the girl chat,it's like a diary in our day). Kimmy's other report card grades first 9weeks were 4 A's,2 B's,C(Latin) and the C(PE) but Kimmy knows the PE Grade could have been much worse and there is an opportunity for success. Now it's own to gymnastics/tumbling(new experience for her as well as me). Fencing and Girls Basketball from the 1980's did not prepare me for all the fitness opportunities girls/women have now. Thanks for your feedback and support.Kim J.

I see things differently than others here First I don't this you are a native English speaker. You may not have put things the way a person who has English as a first language, so I won't take any of the words to heart just the gist of what you are saying. I can't see any mother keeping a room for her older daughter to visit occasionally while her younger daughter does not have a bedroom. This 19 year old is a spoiled brat and her mother made her that way.It seems to me you are part of the problem. Did you try to make friends with this girl when you and her mother got together. Have you ever once stood up to your wife when she's being unreasonable. It seems to me when things get tough you walk away. That is no way to iron out differences. So your wife yells then yell right back at her. Don't use the excuse of the younger children. Living the way they are now is worse than a little yelling. If you want peace you have to stand up to both your wife and this girl. I recognise that you are worried about losing your kids if you do initiate a divorce. A divorce may be in the offing if you do what I'm advising but it won't be initiated by you. I strongly suggest you document everything that goes on once you start standing up to them. Pictures and video don't lie. First clear out all this girls things, don't throw them out or anything. Box them up for storage, or give them to her. Then move your younger daughter in and don't stand any nonsense about it. If your wife leaves then don't allow her back in. If you want to work things out then have her agree to have some counsilling and if you do this then you must go too. Things are never one sided and you share the blame for letting things get to this point.

If he won't step up, you will either live with this, or you will leave. Remember that pointing out a child's deficiencies will only make the parent defensive. Asking a child how many date nights she wants with her dad is inappropriate. A child should not get any "date nights". There should be father-daughter time, but to put her time as equal to your time is damaging. They are equally important, but not the same at all. She doesn't like the relationship you have with your daughter because she wants a good relationship with her mom. "I think I should get my dad to myself EVERY night." Have you said to her that you understand her feelings? Here's an example of what I'm talking about. My SD and I went to the beach with her dad this weekend. She and I went to the water because he's not the water-person I am. She was afraid. We stood at the water's edge for FOREVER. Finally she said that she's "used to" her mom and her mom telling her it would be all right, etc. She said "if you were my mom, I'd believe you". I looked right at her and said, "sweetie, I'm not your Mama. We don't have that history or trust built up. I can't tell you the same words and have you believe them just like your mama would." I said "honey, if you were my daughter, I'd throw you under my arm and take you out to the waves, (that's what I do with my dd) but you're not. So we're just going to have to get through this the best we can, and we can stand here as long as you like." She got it. I'm not a replacement, but I will not be made to feel bad because I don't have the history with her. We're here at square one. Now what. Now someone makes a move. But she is not going to control my life. I am the adult. I respect her as a child under my care, as my DH's daughter. I made it clear I will protect her, that I want to know her, and that we are a family. But the family starts with me and DH. We are the trees, and they get to enjoy the shade.

Thank you all again. Lots of suggestions. I never knew about beds at Anthropologie and OneKingsLane. I will sit with her this weekend to figure out which ones she likes. I liked a few at Ballard Designs as well. arcy_gw: She is currently in the guest bedroom. It's a plain white bed and solid white/cream bedding. Just a night stand and table lamp (temporary ones) that I moved there recently. Her bed is surrounded by books lying on the ground. Now that I'm thinking more and comparing her to her younger sister, she doesn't care much about what's in the room. My younger one demanded she wants a canopy bed, desk etc and got everything she wanted as soon as we moved in. Many of you suggested bench seating. The room already has the option. I was going to bring that up eventually after the main ones are done. Close-up picture of the poufs. They have white, green, orange, blue etc. Definitely no pink. aprilneverends: I'm happy that you are present here. Thanks for sharing the stories, We've all been there. Good luck with Anthropologie tees hunt. Looks like the consensus is that the nightstand doesn't fit in the room. justerrilynn: the semihandmadedoors site is so cool. I'm going to see if we can use it someplace. I love Serena & Lily, especially that Balboa bed. But it is more than I would like to spend right now. The custom bed is not as expensive as I thought it would be. It's coming to around $1200. Ofcourse, the fabric insert would be DIY. The woodworking firm is very reputable. I was leaning towards this option because my daughter liked that bed and I liked the option of being able to change the fabric when she gets bored or if it gets dirty. Again, she may have been influenced because she didn't see many options. I bought this Uttermost art long back and she liked it very much. She has a mature taste and is generally a very practical person. I will bring up the mural idea and see what she says. If she wants it, then it's a go.