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Did my DD go to far?
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Posted by susanj873 (My Page) on Sat, Jan 5, 02 at 17:58
When I visit my sister sometimes my six year old nephew Bill gets bored and picks on my four year old daughter Jenny. This last visit as the adults talked downstairs, Bill poked, pinched and pulled Jenny's hair, despite her telling him three times to stop. When Bill tried to annoy her a fourth time, Jenny buried her knee into his crotch!
My sister and I both dashed upstairs in response to his howls, only to find Bill curled up on the floor pressing both palms into his crotch as Jenny stood trimphantly over him. Now my sister wants me to punish Jenny. Are boys too delicate to ever hit there, or was Jenny right to defend herself? |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Jenny warned him three times, didn't she? Bill had more than enough chances, I'd say. I'll bet he doesn't pick on his little cousin again! |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Oh Dang!!!! ~laffin~ I know not really a laughing matter. I don't know if I'd reprimand my daughter but I would tell her to pick another place to aim for. *still trying to keep a straight face* I'm not sure about it causing physical damage but I do know that is very painful. I saw a little boy literally vomit once from that....very sensitive. But I must agree with the other posted....he won't do that again!!!! If your sister insists you make her apologize...she could apologize for aiming at that particular spot even just to keep family peace. But then again....maybe if generations past did this we wouldn't have so many overly aggressive men when it came to us women....*hehehe*. This is a judgement call on your part......you do what feels right for you and your daughter. He was warned... |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Does he have to apologize for antagonizing her? He definitely owes her an apology, and a talk with the grown ups about why you don't torment other people. Bill is older, and should have known better. Does he treat his friends like that? he's gonna have that happen more than once if he keeps bugging people like that. DD, on the other hand, should probably be pretty careful hitting people in that area. She should apologize and learn that hitting people in that region is only okay if she's in DANGER, just like you'd never intentionally poke someone in the eyes unless unless you were afraid of being hurt for real. might as well apologize, and tell DD to leave the room or YELL for you if Bill is acting up. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| I'd say- good for HER! Not taking any guff from anybody! I would definately talk to her about other options for defending herself. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| I think both parents should sit down with both kids and talk about actions/consequences. Both kids should apologize, and I believe a child should learn to find an adult if they need help and never resort to hurting another person. If you tell your daughter to "aim" for another area that is just teaching her it's okay to hit others and it will become a bigger problem outside of your family (like when she goes to school). You can't control how your sister parents but you can control how you do. If your nephew continues to hurt your daughter I would not allow them to play together unsupervised until he treats her better. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| I don't think being "annoyed" by someone gives anyone the right to physically hurt them. I think it would have been better if she had came and told you and your sister that he was bothering her. I don't think it's funny or amusing that people think it's okay for a girl to hit a boy. True he shouldn't have been picking on her but she shouldn't be commended for hitting him. It doesn't sound to me like she was defending herself at all. She might need to learn now that sometimes boys can be annoying and you can't just haul off and whack 'em for it! Maybe they should be supervised more closely when they are together to avert any scuffles. They should apologize to each other for the most recent scrap. If they can't get along then they should be allowed to play together. Of course, there are always three sides to every story: hers, his and the truth. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| whazzup... so pinching poking and pulling hair is not physically hurting someone? Yes she was defending herself against his physical attack and she had every right to stop him since his mother would not. I don't think it is funny or amusing that you think being a bully is ok but defending yourself against one is not. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Sha lyn, the mother described the behavior as annoying. Being pinched, poked and having your hair pulled may or may not be physically painful. It sounds to me more like the annoying behavior between cousins. And who said his mother wouldn't stop him? The moms were not present so for you to think the mother of the boy was somehow at fault is ridiculous. And where do you get off saying that I think bullying is okay? I never said that I thought the boys behavior was okay. How would you like it if someone who found you annoying hauled off and slugged you? I have brothers and believe me, we have pinched, poked, pulled and did all sorts of things to annoy each other. My point was that the daughter should have gone to her mother and aunt first. No adults were present and the daughter resulted to her instincts, which IMO were not right. OP asked if it were okay to hit a boy there: NO, it's not okay to hit another child anywhere. And OP asked if daughter should apologize: YES, they should apologize to each other. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Annoy is what an equal or weaker child does to another. Harrass is what an older or stronger one does. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| As one who grew up with many cousins, and just having my kids together with their cousins, my first thought after reading your post was "You didn't really see what happened." Not that I am defending one child or the other, I am just observing that you weren't there. I don't think it is fair to say one was right and the other was wrong when all you have is he said/she said. So I think they should have been dealt with separately for their separate actions with no refereeing to see who was in the right, that's an impossible call. If they were siblings and both mine, I would have disciplined them both in a mild way, making them come sit quietly with the adults for a while and have a chat about treating each other with respect. He was wrong to annoy/harrass her. He should know better than to annoy a smaller child. (Bet her learned a lesson though, natural consequences.) But she should learn to 1) control herself and 2)ask for an adult's help when your words don't help. In general, the other child's behavior cannot excuse your own. I tell my kids I don't care what the other did, you still make your own choices. Neither one of them made a good choice, but they should be treated as separate choices, not one as the result of the other. But, if the other child isn't mine, and his mother is there, I can't discipline him. I would probably have just separated them, had a chat with DD about what I expect her to do next time, give something quiet to do close to me and hope SIL followed suit. Maybe he started it, maybe she was defending herself. But she should learn rule #1, tell an adult. She should not in any way be made to think she did the right thing. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think the incident was that big of a deal that someone should really be severely punished. It will be one of many family stories that you laugh about over the years. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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Absolutely not. He didn't just tease her verbally, he actually touched her. The rules when I was a kid were:
1. If you hit someone first, you are going to have to answer to mom and dad. (BIG TROUBLE!!)
2. If someone hits you first, hit them back. I bet he'll think twice before he touches her again. Besides, if you were going to punish her, it should have been immediate not days later. Don't let her grow up to take any abuse from anyone. Maybe you could tell her not to aim for the groin...the solar plexus is a nice alternative. It'll just knock the wind out of you. The groin should be reserved for serious danger. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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Another thought I had- if she were 16 years old and a boy at school was physically bullying her- would anyone think she was out of line to have fought back?
While I don't condone stiking out for any little annoyance, I DO think we need to teach our daughters not to take abuse from anyone and how to defend themselves. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| What if it were a girl bullying a boy? Is it okay for the boy to hit her? My niece slapped my son hard on the face once because she didn't like something he said, (they were both 6) and he hauled off and hit her back. She was always smacking him around and hitting him and he finally had enough. She went home and told her dad all about it and he showed up at my house later that evening on a tirade about how a boy should never hit a girl. While HE got in trouble for hitting her, the main issue with her parents were that my son had hit HER. No mention was ever made of what she did to provoke it. In fact, their response was that it didn't matter WHAT she did, a boy should never hit a girl. I never condone kids hitting other kids, but it does seem that some parents of daughters expect a double standard. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| Okay, we had this same discussion at work the other day, though we were discussing an adult couple where the fe,ale was hitting the male. I agree with Daria about the rules of conduct - I grew up with the exact same ones. As far as the boy/girl hitting situation, we need to teah our daughters to defend themselves while at the same time teaching them that if they are willing to hit a guy first, they better be ready to take the punch. |
RE: Did my DD go to far?
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| I agree, KerryClem!! Men can be victims of domestic violence too, and they are even less likely to report it. I have often said, if a husband hits a wife because he loves her, she should hit him with a baseball bat to show she loves him more. My parents' hitting rules didn't discriminate. The point was, you shouldn't be hitting people, but you also shouldn't allow yourself to be abused. |
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