I'm so sorry that you're having such issues with your son and needing to deal with them alone. For sure - get help from your community. It sounds like he needs to be evaluated for residential placement somewhere for drug rehab. I don't know when your wife died, but it is likely that grief issues are making this worse. You need some help with this. Didn't the schools refer you anywhere? Do you go to church anywhere where you can get some support? Is there services through your place of employment? This is NOT going to get better on it's own, he and you need services and I know this will be challenging and met with resistance. But you can't stand back and do nothing. He is throwing his life away with risky behaviors and not getting an education. Can any family members help? Can he spend a couple weeks with a family member to give you a respite and help you formulate a plan? He just sounds to me like he feels like he doesn't fit in anywhere and he is just checking out. He could also have some learning disablilities - he may just learn differently than others and need creative teachers to help him. Talk to him and help him find a starting point for his life plan. If he were my son, I would be making an appointment with a therapist for help. Even if I had to go alone. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

First and foremost... you need to make sure that both you and future hubby agrees that no matter what happens you and he are a united front. Even, if you disagree the 'discussion' should be held out of ear shot of the little one. If that doesnt happen if he doesnt support you and your decisions as much as you respect his ... things will fall apart quickly. Kids are smart and all kids no how to work a system to their advantage... So, a united front is an absolute must. I think that is the problem most of the step moms have in the long run... a lack of support with regards to the kids. I personally treat my step kids exactly how I treat my daughter. No better. No Worse. I have an equal hand in raising disciplining and decision making with regards to the kids. (even if ex doesnt like it) Especially, with the little boy living with you... you need to establish what both of you consider discipline and DO NOT let yourself be over run EVER. Be prepared to be disliked... it will come from the ex and probably from the son at some point. Remember two things... 1. the ex more than likely in this situation will not disslike you for any reason other than the fact that you are actively involved in her sons life and probably doing a better job. (if she has dissappeared more than once). This will anger and frustrate you but never never express that anger infront of kid 2.kids even your very own flesh and blood at times are mean, are rude, have moments where you want to wring their little necks, and will tell you to go away and in those teenage years perhaps much worse... you wouldnt take it to heart with your own kids dont do so just because he is a step. when they say I hate you say Im sorry to hear that because I love you... You are going to be a 'mother' to this child because dad has full custody and mom lives two hours away with a tendancy to abandon him. If you are not prepared to take both fiancee and son into your heart and accept that awesome responsibility than you are not in the right relationship... no matter how wonderful it is with dad because son is going nowhere. Without that sound knowledge in your heart to know that you love that kid and would do anything for him wether dad was there or not, it will be very hard to deal with the tough times that come with raising kids. As far as attention goes... kids deserve a great deal but dont be afraid (and this goes for daddy too) to say no no this is adult time .... dont be afraid to put your relationship needs first (not to the detriment of the child) I have always believed one of the greatest gifts we can give kids is to show them how to love and be with and treat the one they love... it gives them an example for a lifetime of something strong and positive in their lives. Oh and regarding the 'discussion' of disagreements... if, for example, you tell son that he cant play with a toy for rest of the day because of something he did ... and hubby disagrees and you two talk and decide he can have the toy back ...you should be the one to give back the privilege, not dad. This way you arent made out to be the bad guy and dad saving grace. umm I think these are all of the little drops of wisdom I can share (if they can be called that) :-) good luck...

None of my kids were diagnosed ADD and I'll admit I am a bit biased regarding ADD/ADHD diagnosis because I feel it's 'overdiagnosed' and many kids that don't have it are diagnosed with it and needlessly medicated. I'm not saying your SO's son is or isn't but I have to admit my bias and lack of experience with a true ADD/ADHD situation. However, I do have three grown kids. None of them got their driver's licenses until after they were 18 and it was by their choice. I would have liked them to get it at 16 but all three of them said no. I was baffled by that but now they are all licensed drivers. My youngest is 18 and got hers last week. My sons are 19 & 21. I can also relate when you say he thinks he's an adult because he's 18. I went through this with my sons more than my daughter, but they both decided that once they were 'adults', they didn't have to follow rules, can stay out as late as they want, don't have to come home at all (or even call), etc. It's taken a lot, I mean A LOT of tough love with those two. I did not kick them out but I did lay down the law and told them if they don't abide by my rules in my house, they were welcome to leave. My older son packed up his car the day after he got it, quit his job and was going to move back to the town where all his friends were. That lasted a week and he came back, now he was jobless and when he thought he would 'kick it' at my house, not work and be a 'grown up', I let him know the rules hadn't changed. He left again and bounced from couch to couch because nobody would put up with it. My mom enabled him for a year when he begged me to come back and this time, he did get two jobs but moved out when I wouldn't let him bring a GF home. So, he left (that was about five or six months ago) and he got an apartment with a guy from work but when the guy moved, he also had to move. He joined the Army and went off to boot camp last week. I'm proud that he decided to join, even though I was not happy he did it, I'll support him. I just wonder if he's going to be able to live with their rules if he found it so hard to listen to me and mine. We'll see. My middle child is very smart. He finished HS a year early and started college. He has also had the 'I'm 18 so I'm an adult' and I gave him the same speech my older one got. He does not want to leave my home, but he also doesn't like following the rules. If I don't stay on top of it, he tests the boundaries constantly. As long as I am on top of it, he has done what I ask. Of course, he blames my husband for my consistency and I admit, I was not so consistent when they were growing up and I was a single working mother. I didn't always have the time/energy to be consistent and that, I take responsibility for. But, he is also learning through a little bit of tough love that he is a grown up when he starts acting like a grown up. We helped him get a car (because grown ups get their own cars... we made him pay for half) and it was an older car that we told him he needed to do regular maintenance, check the oil, water, etc. and he didn't. He never did anything but put gas and drive. The radiator started leaking and he continued to drive it. Now, it has been sitting in the driveway for almost two weeks because it overheats every time he drives it. He doesn't know how to fix it and he refuses to ask my husband to help him with it, which he has a right to but a grown up would have to figure it out. So, now he has mom driving him to school and picking him up (or one of his friends does). It did adjust his attitude a little when he realized he can't drive himself anymore. He also has to be reminded to do his chores (which is not much... mostly cleaning up after himself) and when he argues, I simply open the front door. He has a choice, because adults have choices. If I choose to ignore my creditors, they will take things away from me and sue me. If I choose to not pay my bills, I will be sitting in the dark with no phone or computer. If I choose not to work, I have no money for food, gas in my car, or other things we need. My daughter is a different story. She's never given me any problems but she does get into a mood where she can have an outburst and a couple hours later, says sorry & I love you. I don't know how severe your SO's son's outbursts are but I know my daughter doesn't like conflict and maybe bottles up feelings until she bursts and lets it out and then she'll feel sorry for things she says or for getting that angry and I'm concerned about that. She really needs to learn how to express herself and I think she is working on that. She doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings so she keeps it inside when someone upsets her. In your situation, it sounds like dad has been a softy and enabled his son for a long time. When my kids were very little, my dad had a talk with me and told me that if I don't stay on top of it, I was in trouble because my kids outnumbered me. I was a single parent of 3 by the time I was 21. I was too lenient and inconsistent when they were small and by the time they were going into middle school, I was having some serious problems with them (boys). (I wasn't always as controlling as I am now, I was pretty much a doormat I think) I decided I needed to stop being so soft and I admit I parented a lot from guilt over them not having a dad around, but I stepped it up and did what I had to keep them in line. They were not happy with the changes and it was very hard because I felt guilty that I had raised them to be used to walking all over me and now I expected them to listen to me, follow stricter rules and they didn't like it one bit. (and it was hard for me to stand up and do things differently than I had done all their lives) Then, I met my husband and a year later, when he moved in, he was supportive of me and I was even more consistent than I had been. That was when my oldest son moved out... just before my husband moved in. He didn't like ME telling him what to do, he sure didn't want my husband to tell him anything (or to be supportive of me as my husband would step in if my kids try to argue: ie. 'don't talk to you mom like that' or 'your mom told you to XXXXX'.) I would say that you and SO need to stop worrying that he is never going to manage his own life because if you are worrying for him, he doesn't need to worry about that himself. If he thinks he is an adult, treat him like an adult. Adults have responsibility and rules. It's not a picnic to be an adult. I think it's funny when my SD says 'when I am 18, I'm going to eat as many twinkies as I want.' because she can't eat the whole box now. She's 9 and they think 18 is a magical age and they are somehow transformed into 'grown ups'.

I love it.I am so thankful my 15 yr old son is a good kid. MOM Shelley