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Deceitful Grandparents

Posted by jtsupershine (My Page) on
Tue, May 26, 09 at 11:41

Hello Everyone, I'm new here. So here is my situation, I'm having some trust issues with my in-laws. I'm learning to live with their ability to belittle everyone in their path, mainly because my wife is a little scared to put her foot down. We have an eight week old son (our first) who is watched by my wife's mother during the day while we are at work. She always does what she wants to do-as far as raising him. Disagrees with his doctor, will not give him water, says, "Well if it were me, I would do it this way," in regards to anything. The subject of cereal came up a few weeks ago at the doctors office. Our Pediatrician said around four months is usually a good time to start with the cereal...maybe a bit sooner. He is perfectly healthy, hardly ever fusses, all around perfect first child. She disagreed with the pediatrician and said he was wrong. My wife and I agreed to wait a little while before mixing the cereal in with his formula, and informed her parents of this as well. Well, a week and a half ago, I was told by her mother that she had made the holes in his nipples larger because he seemed to be having a problem with the pace of his eating. I didn't think anything of it because surely she wouldn't disrespect our wishes and give him the cereal anyway. Last night she slips up while having a conversation with my wife. My wife said, "Wow her sure did eat that bottle quickly!" And the mother in-law replied, "Oh, you must have put some cereal, oh did he?" Then she confessed to having fed him the cereal since the doctors visit two weeks ago. Frankly I am infuriated that she went ahead and made a decision that wasn't hers to be made AND lied to us in the process. Am I over reacting or should something be said?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Deceitful Grandparents

I can see why you are angry,i would be too,the thing that would bother me most was the fact she lied,and did it behind your back because baby is gonna get used to the cereal,and on the days you dont work and have the child the baby is gonna be hungry all day because he is used to the cereal to fill him up,so she should of told you ,but she shouldnt of gone against your wishes anyway.It is hard when its your first child you want to get everything right and go by the book,when you have more children you become less stressed about these things and it wont seem as important,but also you do have to appreciate the fact that the grandmother is good enough to look after the baby,and is doing most of the hard work,so deserves some say.I would still have to say something about her keeping it from you though.

RE: Deceitful Grandparents

It is a tough call, since she is childminding for you, on the one hand it could be argued that you should trust her judgement since you're trusting her with your baby; however, it's not a license for her to completely disregard what you are doing.

My kids are both around 20 so it's been a while, but I recall them not recommending cereals et al 'til after six months or so, but I guess whether you're breast or formula feeding comes into it. Is your wife breastfeeding at all? If at all possible, even once a day is something, for the antibodies etc up to at least 12 months (although this could well be academic if she isn't.)

Grandparents can be great, they can also sometimes forget the line, it's also possible that they can forget there's been decades of advancement in child care - some are open-minded to change, some aren't. My ex's grandmother (who turned out senile as all get-out) quite openly sneered at me for having any idea or opinion on child-raising, as a 'mere' man. It got my hackles up, I can tell you.

If at all possible, make other arrangements if you can, so you're not stuck in this invidious position, on the other hand for your own peace of mind, ask yourself if there's really any harm in it? Choose your battles I guess.

RE: Deceitful Grandparents

I would say it depends on what else she does/is doing you and your wife disagree with. 8 weeks is a bit early for food, as they have found this may be a cause for allergies. Also, it depends on how much milk the baby is drinking, weight etc. Talk to the Dr and do what he/she says. tell the Mom this is what the Dr. said. Could you take a leave of absence for awhile? At 8 weeks behavior not a problem but as the child grows older could she bring in ideas/toys/ etc you do not what the child to have. This is YOUR child, not hers. I made a big mistake letting my mom baby sit my kids, and she raised them against my and my DH's wishes. Finally with the 3rd child day care was good, Unhappy mom, but better child. Sometimes a mom tries to "correct" the mistakes she made raising you, but it does not work. You set the rules, she must obey or find a different baby sitter. If you feel unsure and believe me all parents do, look for parenting classes. Check the YMCA, local hospital etc.

RE: Deceitful Grandparents

I don't blame you for being mad. A grandparent has no right to make decisions regarding your child and to be sneaky about it doubles the wrong.

It seems to me that unless you want this woman raising your child the way she sees fit you and your wife have to come up with someone else for day care. After a while what you say won't matter--grandma will be the one in charge and the one to shape your daughter.

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