Are you a different parent than you expected to be?

21 years ago

Hi everyone,

I just wondered about your thoughts on this subject: Have you turned out to be a different kind of parent than you expected/hoped/feared before you had your first child? Or are you pretty much as you expected/hoped/feared you'd be?

For example, some friends of ours said that they have turned out to be worse at disciplining their child than they expected or hoped to be. They sometimes find themselves just doing what will make life easier at the time, even if they realise that it's not a good idea in the long term...

Thanks!

Zena.

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Comments (6)

trekaren
21 years ago
Somewhat different I suppose.

Prior to having kids, DH and I always talked about when we would have them. "Oh, we'll NEVER be the type of parents who let our child play us against each other! And we will ALWAYS support each other in front of the child, and do our disagreeing out of their earshot."

HA! Best laid plans! LOL But we try our best...and despite our best efforts, she still manages to figure out a way to play us against each other.
talley_sue_nyc
20 years ago
mine aren't infants anymore. I behaved much as I expected I would when they were babies and toddlers. Now that they're 9 and 5, I'm WAY crabbier than I was.

And like your friends, I find that my DH and I do whatever is expedient, in terms of discipline, and teaching them to unpack their own backpacks, set the table, etc.

And I'm far less even-tempered. : (
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My DH & I don't have any biological kids of our own, I have my kids (17, 18, & 21 next week) and his DD lives with us, she's 8. But, I relate to the different expectations because at times, it's hard for me to be as tough with my kids because I haven't always been tough with them. (Especially the oldest) I was probably the toughest on my youngest, mainly because I had them when I was (too) young & didn't fully understand the importance of consistency. So, my kids grew up with more relaxed rules and I should have been more consistent with the rules. Over the years, I've gotten better about it and that's why I think my youngest is the more responsible one of the group. Then, along comes my DH with his 8 year old (5 at the time) and he had a very rigid schedule for her. He was very consistent, to a fault. So, together he's relaxed a little but we both have higher expectations from his DD because it's easier to teach them right first, than try to change their bad habits. With my kids, I've also been more consistent and have gotten some results but I'm sure my DH can relate to how you feel. He gets very frustrated and wants me to be tougher on them. It can be hard because when they are small and you get used to doing things one way, it becomes a habit. and even if it's a bad habit, it's hard to change. With your child together, you have developed your own habits and ways of doing things with her, including higher expectations (that he may have from you being his partner, that he didn't have with his ex & the older kids). A little bit sounds like he might feel guilty toward the older kids and let them get away with more. (I know I've felt that way too) I'm not sure I'd let a 12-13 year old move my car. I don't know if I have "advice" to give. I think DH needs to see that he's not helping his kids grow into responsible adults if he doesn't teach them boundaries. If his kids live with you full time, there should be "house rules" (even if it's only weekends, but it's more effective with full time kids) My DH and I took a parenting class for step families and while it dealt with the dynamics of step families, it also talked a lot about behavior of our own children and it made it easier to see what we were doing wrong with our own kids (He was being to strict, I was being too lenient)
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Zena
Original Author
20 years ago
My baby is now three months old. I'm already a very different parent than I expected to be! I thought I would remain much more emotionally calm than I usually do. I'm getting better, but our baby can be so much more frustrating than I had anticipated. My sisters' babies are so easygoing and relaxed, I suppose I expected our baby to be like them. But no!! 'Relaxed' is the last word you could use to describe our Ben! He is an intense little guy and we have to work very, very hard to get him to relax and (eventually, if we're lucky) fall asleep. My sisters' babies would fall asleep after gazing at a mobile for a while....

I've learnt that babies come into this world with much stronger preferences than I thought! Ben's strongest preference is for lots and lots of cuddles all the time, which is both incredibly difficult and an incredible pleasure. I've attached a link to some pictures of our little bundle of trouble and joy!

Here is a link that might be useful: Pictures of Ben
Katie S
20 years ago
Ben is a beautiful child, Zena! I have one (of my four) whi is just like that-- intense. She is four now (my others are 6, almost 3, and 8 months) and she is still very intense and curious and self-sufficient and creative and is very engaging, imaginative, and sweet as can be. The best thing we found for her was a front-pack and sling. Carrying her around all day made her the pleasantest baby-- so content! She just wanted to be cuddled constantly and also to be able to look around and see everything and be involved in everything!
cheshiremoggy
19 years ago
When I became a father 6 years ago it really gave me something to live for. Discipline has been tricky at times as the wee lad has turned out to be autistic and still tends to throw tantrums akin to the 'terrible twos' but with the correct approach it is manageable.

He's a chip off the old block. Loves helping me with DIY - he has his own toy tools. He has a soft spot for the cats, and is becoming a real petrolhead coming with me to watch rallies run by the local motorclub. I just can't imagine existing without him.
talley_sue_nyc
19 years ago
OMG, this is funny. I picked up this thread, since it had bumped up to the top again, thinking, "I'm going to post, 'I'm a lot crabbier than I thought I'd be."

And there I am almost exactly a year ago (Oct 15, '03) saying EXACTLY the same thing.

Are you a different parent than you expected to be?

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trekaren

talley_sue_nyc

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Are you a different parent than you expected to be?

Comments (6)

trekaren

talley_sue_nyc

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Katie S

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