Kimberly--let me tell you a story. Dd is getting married next April. She and I just met with the planner at her venue along with her future MIL (a wonderful gal, btw). Grooms father is one of 14 kids and grooms mother is one of 8. By the time we invite all of them, their spouses, and their children (grooms first cousins) ..uh boy. We are inviting my brothers and sisters and DHs brothers and sisters. And their kids (daughters first cousins). But this group is tiny compared to the grooms. But, how do you decide???????? We don't want to slight any family. As a matter of fact, I started having palpitations just thinking about the shower. I will draw the line on the guest list for that one. Just look at the invitation...decline it and don't send a gift. I am hoping we get lots of declines ;-)

Nettie: You don't *have* to invite all the out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner; in fact, if the groom's family is truly hosting, I think it's sort of rude to expand the guest list on them. If they *offer*, OK, but I wouldn't even ask them, for fear of them feeling pressured. Normally, the rehearsal dinner is strictly related to the rehearsal. Therefore, it's the bridal party and their dates, the officiant, and the immediate family (mom, dad, siblings) of the bride and groom. Grandparents aren't traditionally on that list. However, if they're there, it might be a nice gesture, so their feelings aren't hurt. One thing I think that happens when the out-of-towners are invited to the rehearsal dinner is, esp. if it's in a restaurant, it sort of feels like the reception itself, bcs everybody's there. So I'm sort of a foot-dragger on this; I don't like to invite the out-of-towners. Plus, I personally prefer the most personal touch possible for rehearsal dinners, and a big crowd makes it hard to do at home. (not that an out-of-town MOG can have it at home) That said, AS an out-of-town guest, I like to have something to do, and a chance to see some of my relatives. If you don't want to or can't expand the rehearsal dinner, you might recruit someone among the out-of-town guests to organize a get-together somewhere in case people would like it. Maybe an aunt and uncle can tell everyone that they'll all have dinner at whichever local restaurant, if they want to come along, and everybody can gather that way, and feel like they're not abandoned, without having to crash the other event. My uncle let us all know that they'd be hanging around at the restaurant AFTER the rehearsal dinner, and we could join them for drinks if we wanted, so we did that. We got to feel a part of things, a little, but they didn't have to feed u. We married in my true hometown, which meant that EVERYBODY except my mom and dad traveled for the wedding. So *I* hosted the rehearsal dinner, and asked my mom to help plan, and brothers to help cook and serve. We had a barbecue at a local park; and everybody was invited. I couldn't have afforded a restaurant meal for all those people, and this keps it from feeling too much like the real wedding reception (which was a buffet at mom's house, so it's not like it was THAT much different). Good luck!

I like the "closest circle" idea--the folks who ALREADY have to come to the rehearsal (wedding-party members), and the IMMEDIATE familiy of bride and groom (parents, sisters, brothers). It's nice, of course, to have others who would otherwise be sitting in hotel rooms, but that robs the wedding party (presumably the B&G's most intimate circle) of the intimate party. It's not rude to not invite people to a party, even if they know about it, and even if they don't have specific plans. (And, I kind of like having that time w/ aunts, uncles, cousins, instead of 'making nice' w/ the bride's girlfriends whom I don't know) My cousin invited us to join them for drinks AFTER the rehearsal dinner--it was nice. But totally not necessary, and actually a bit more fuss than was necessary. The BEST part of that evening was us cousins and aunts and uncles going out to dinner with EACH OTHER. For our wedding, we invited EVERYBODY from out of town, but then, everybody who attended WAS from way out of town, and it made for a nice "getting to know everyone" barbecue. Since we could mill around, and chat in the twilight, it was nice. I don't think it would have been as fun and enriching if we'd all been trapped at long restaurant tables. I say, keep it small. If you WANT to extend it to out-of-town guests, only include people who would otherwise be in their hotel rooms. If you want to skip them, you could ask the "coolest" of the aunts to host an alternate event that evening, time for the other folks to spend together.

It is tough to negotiate a rate when your wedding is on a popular weekend in a resort. As the sales manager told you, they can always fill the space with guests who will pay full price. Though you would like everyone to stay at the same place, I would block space at both places and let your guests choose where to stay. They can still get together for meals, hang out at a park or another public place if necessary. When you communicate the block information, be sure to remind guests that the wedding will occur on a busy weekend, so don't wait to book their room. Some people tend to procrastinate and those are the ones who may have diffuculty getting a room.