Thanks again for the discussion, ideas and support. I agree that both daughters need to be treated equally and that's the very reason for my upset and my original post. However, being so close to this and feeling so emotional, I came here because I didn't know if maybe emotion was clouding my perception. It's interesting to see how many posters state that he has NO obligation to support my college-age daughter and the other posts state that of COURSE he has an obligation. I am old-fashioned but I feel like the second group of people. This is a marriage not a business merger. This is a blending of two people's lives (with a promise of) 'til death do us part. These are (n a perfect world) OUR children and there's no mother walking this earth who can watch her child suffer an inequity and NOT feel upset and saddened. I do feel like another facet is that my contribution to this household is not valued. I do enjoy being home but I also work 15-20 hours a week and do all the things that stay at home women do (cleaning and some cooking), plus I do a lot of good in my community through volunteer work. I'm not sitting in front of the TV eating bon-bons (although that does hold a certain appeal for me). He and I both contribute to a lifestyle so that our home life is calm and pleasant and relaxed and I don't know that my contribution is valued. Now with this daughter thing, I'm really starting to wonder about the future of our marriage. Above and beyond the financial inequities, I also worried that he's spoiling his daughter and I'm very disappointed that he's doing that. Thanks again for the replies. I've read this thread many times and it brings both comfort and insight. In conclusion, please don't worry about me. I'm not a withering flower or a mindless ninny. I came here because this problem was very upsetting and I felt strongly this was not right and I will not remain in a relationship where I'm not treated well and respected. This *will* have a happy ending. Just not sure when or how... Thanks again for sharing your ideas. It means the world to me that strangers would open their hearts and minds to share their own precious stories and valuable life lessons. HF

"...cindylou, imagine if you can what it would be like after all you and your husband have experienced with your MIL if your own children grew up and estranged you..." If I had a child who estranged me, I would not think it had anything to do or not to do with my MIL. I would not think that they owed me a relationship because I tolerated my MIL (maybe I misunderstood what you meant by connecting my MIL into that idea). If my child estranged me suddenly and with no warning and if I asked and they said, "You know", and I truly didn't, I would make the assumption they didn't quite didn't know themselves. That they have feelings and upsets they don't quite understand themselves and that they needed time away from me to work them out. (This is assuming there's no mental illness or addiction. If there is mental illness or addiction, then I do know and frankly, maybe I'm just getting too old, but I've seen the hopelessness and heartache of addiction and mental illness, and I think I'd just be grateful for being cut out). More likely, I would have been told the answer. And I'd accept it, even if it didn't make sense. "Because you wore blue to my kindergaren graduation." Huh? Ok. I don't think I'd argue. I can't imagine arguing with an adult child. They are an adult. I barely argue with them now. My parents didn't argue with me, I never saw them argue with their parents. My aunts and uncles on both sides didn't argue with either their adult children or their parents. It's just not done. I can't imagine it. There are differences of opinion and hurt feelings and misunderstandings and on rare occasions, conflict between adult members of my extended family. Of course there is. But everyone seems to understand a basic rule. I live my life and you live yours, and I can offer my opinion and it's fair if you don't follow it. The person who's business it is, gets the final say. The person who has the most responsibility gets to decide. The person who takes the biggest risk chooses. We are none of us perfect people; but we don't squabble and manipulate and gang up on each other and form one alliance and then another to force family members to do what we want. And we don't stab each other in the back. That's such a bizarre concept to me. And we are very close--without melodrama. There's not a lot of conflict. So if a child told me, "I don't want contact from you because you wouldn't let me go to Aruba on spring break." I'd respect that. I'd figure sooner or later they'd understand. Or if not, sooner or later it wouldn't matter any more. I would absolutely believe that eventually they'd come back. Not the way they were, it wouldn't be the same relationship, but had we stayed close, it wouldn't be the same relationship at 30 as it was at 20 or 10. Would I miss them and be hurt. You bet. But I'd be comforted that I would see them again and focus on the other blessings of my life while I waited. I truly believe that if you love something you let it go, and if it loves you, it will come back. And if it doesn't come back, you never had it to begin with. If after 10 or 20 years there was still no contact, I'd have to face the fact that it's probably for the best. We didn't have the relationship I thought we had; I didn't know them, and we obviously weren't a match even if they have half my DNA. Do I hope to have close, intimate relationships with the families of my adult children? Of course. But I will be happy with any non exploitive relationship my children feel comfortable with. I may want more contact or less, depending on the personalities, but perfection doesn't happen in relationships; it's like tension between togetherness and individuality that has to be worked out in a marriage. When your children are adults with families, you renegotiate your relationship, and if it REALLY doesn't work for someone, you might have to walk away. Sad, painful, but realistic. I have a coworker who is retiring and moving to be closer to her daughter and grandchildren. They are delighted to have her. On a recent house hunting trip she was dismayed that her daughter seemed to expect/demand a lot of babysitting from her. She's not moving there to take on the responsibility of babysitting her grandchildren, altho she does hope to see a lot of them and participate in their lives. Things were tense as she attempted to come to understanding with her daughter. She came back and asked if things don't work out in the other state, can she have her job back. I sometimes in the past had wondered if she's a meddling MIL so much does she talk about her grandchildren. But I see now she's got a life outside them and is not exploiting her daughter's family to fill the emptiness (if any) in her own life. And she's not going to allow herself to be exploited by her daughter however much she loves her family. She sees her standing up for herself may result in a cut off; and I respect her handling of this delicate situation. I'm sure it will all work out, but I can see myself in her place; in any relationship, there's always the possibility that you or the other person will walk away for whatever reason. You may think, oh yeah, you are so philosophical, just wait until it happens to you. Well, like anything, what choices do you have: you either accept with grace or you don't. How does not accepting with grace help anything? The ends don't justify the means. Bullying, manipulating, harassing, yelling...none of that is going to help. If you accept with grace, while you are waiting for the problem to resolve itself enough so the child talks to you again with a willingness to compromise, at least you can still have meaning and pleasure in your life. It also gives you time to reflect as well. It might not be that you did something WRONG, it's just that you don't mesh well. And you can measure in the absence how you and your adult child's family don't mesh and what you are willing to compromise to make the relationship more pleasant for EVERYONE. "Mom, you can never be unsupervised with my kids." "Why?" "Because you are a taurus". Huh? Well, that makes no sense to me. But why jeopardize my supervised visits with my grandchildren which can be wonderful by arguing if being a taurus prevents one from being a good grandma or not. Why fill that time with strife and anger and posturing and demands and righteousness and counter accusations when I can be on the floor playing Candyland and angling for the chocolate swamp or coloring in Barbie coloring books or stacking Lincoln logs as high as the sky. Who cares if DIL is glaring at me when my darling grandson and I are holding our breathes to see if we can make a Pixie Stix teepee? I believe letting them go gracefully gets them back eventually, and if it doesn't, the relationship would have just caused heartache all around anyway, estranged or not.

Not sure how, if at all, the new 'rules' may apply to what you ladies are discussing, but thought I'd put them out here anyway. My 'too busy to pay attention' SS blew this one in his never ending 'verbal' and/or 'I thought I could' agreements with SGS's BM. from the IRS New Rules For Children of Divorced and Seperated Parents: Revocation of release of claim to an exemption. For tax years beginning after July 2, 2008 (the 2009 calendar year for most taxpayers), new rules apply to allow the custodial parent to revoke a release of claim to exemption that was previously released to the noncustodial parent on Form 8332, Release/Revocation of Release of Claim to Exemption for Child by Custodial Parent, or similar statement. The revocation is effective no earlier than the tax year following the year in which the custodial parent provides, or makes reasonable efforts to provide, the noncustodial parent with written notice of the revocation. Therefore, if the custodial parent provides notice of revocation to the noncustodial parent in 2009, the earliest tax year the revocation can be effective is the tax year beginning in 2010. You can use Part III of Form 8332 for this purpose. You must attach a copy of the revocation to your return for each tax year you claim the child as a dependent as a result of the revocation. Post-1984 and pre-2009 divorce decree or separation agreement. If the divorce decree or separation agreement went into effect after 1984 and before 2009, the noncustodial parent may be able to attach certain pages from the decree or agreement instead of Form 8332. The decree or agreement must state all three of the following. The noncustodial parent can claim the child as a dependent without regard to any condition, such as payment of support. The custodial parent will not claim the child as a dependent for the year. The years for which the noncustodial parent, rather than the custodial parent, can claim the child as a dependent. The noncustodial parent must attach all of the following pages of the decree or agreement to his or her tax return. The cover page (write the other parent's social security number on this page). The pages that include all of the information identified in items (1) through (3) above. The signature page with the other parent's signature and the date of the agreement. Post-2008 divorce decree or separation agreement. Beginning with 2009 tax returns, the noncustodial parent can no longer attach pages from the decree or agreement instead of Form 8332 if the decree or agreement went into effect after 2008. The noncustodial parent will have to attach Form 8332 or similar statement signed by the custodial parent and whose only purpose is to release a claim to exemption. The noncustodial parent must attach the required information even if it was filed with a return in an earlier year. Here is a link that might be useful: New Rules...

ashley~ The first part of trick is to have two adults (Mom & Dad), who can at least try to work together for the best of the kiddo, and who can agree to disagree, but try to be accomodating and flexible when possible. If you have no custody orders in place, you cannot legally hold Mom to anything. First, your FDH needs to get custody arrangements on paper. You do NOT need an attorney to do this. If Mom & Dad can agree to something, they can file it with the family court themselves. There may be a nomimal fee for processing the paperwork, but I think it's less than $50. How old is your FSD? How far away does Mom live from you? And if you think you got 39 hours, I hate to be the one to dash your reality...because she likely slept for about 16 of those hours, right? So, sadly, you really only got 23 hours with her. Trust me, we did that crap for years. And it's hard on the kids. Just when they get unpacked, it's time to pack. We try to send SD on Thursday after school, let her miss Friday (her grades are good), and come back Sunday night. So she gets an extra day w/Mom. We also try to arrange flights into the closest airport to Mom's, so they are spending more quality time toghether at home, as opposed to endless hours in the car. Our papers are pretty open-ended. Remember, my SD is 15 and involved in a couple extra-curriculars, and we live 5 states apart, so all travel is by air. So, for visitation it states "a goal of visitation every 4-8 weeks, to allow for child's involvement in school or extra-curricular activities". Mom also gets "all 4-day weekends, to include Thanksgiving". We continue to split Christmas break 50/50, alternating years for the actual holiday. Spring Break continues to be w/NCP, so now that will be w/Mom. And she gets "7 weeks in summer, not necessarily consecutive, to allow for other required/requested special activities (dance recitals, national dance competitions and volleyball camp)that the child chooses to participate in". Hope this helps.