I don't know what to suggest that you say to your 6 year old, but I do know that you also need to come up with a way to address the situation with your 2-year old also, because he/she knows for certain that something untoward is going on in the family. And your children will talk to each other about the issues so you can't keep silent with the youngest one.

Have you contacted your local women's shelter - even though you might not need it now, you should know where you can go for safety and they will also have someone there who can advise you on what to say to both your children.

Did the children witness the "gun incident" ?

I would say to the child that Dad has gone away for a while.

I wouldn't frighten the child by giving details, or even say that dad is in jail. How long is he in jail for ?

Definitely get some advice on how best to handle your situation.

At the moment we are staying with my parents so housing isn't an issue. The local women's center has an advocate that works at the court house who I spoke with when I went to get the restraining order. Asking them for imput on what to say to the kids is a good idea.

The kids did not witness the gun incident, thankfully. I don't think that just saying that he's gone away for a while will satisfy my 6 year old. I need a more substantial explanation for her. I also don't know how long he will be in jail for as he hasn't gone to trial yet. He could potentially get out if can come up with the bail money before then but he lives paycheck to paycheck so that would be difficult for him to do. And honestly I feel a lot better knowing that he is in jail because who knows what he will do next time.

I would probably tell them that daddy is sick and may be away for a while because he needs to get some help.

What a terrible situation to be in, especially at Christmas.

I think you need to make sure your six year old understands, at least on a basic level, that dad has behaved very badly, and tried to hurt you. Since this is against the law, the police had to come and get Dad and take him someplace so YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN will be safe. Don't scare her, but don't trivialize the danger, either. His behavior is escalating rapidly, he's very, very dangerous. And now that he's been arrested and jailed, he's going to be really, really angry and it will all be directed at you.

Your daughter needs to understand that she is NOT to go off with her father, under any circumstances. He may try to pick her up at school or snatch her when you are not close by. Be careful.

If he gets out on bail or when he gets out of jail, watch out, he'll come after you. We certainly don't want to read that you and your children and parents were killed by this dangerous man. He's clearly out of control and your lives are at risk.

Good luck and be careful.

what momj47 said.

Be sure her school knows not to allow him to pick her up.

Give them a copy of the order, & if it doesn't already say so, have the order amended to keep him away from the school.

I know it may seem like early days, but you need to get away from the area.

As long as you are at your parents' home, he knows where to find you, & your parents are in danger.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through --

But definitely, put the safety of you and your children first. Your Ex does sound very dangerous -- and even if you think otherwise, his behavior needs to be take very, very seriously. He has already tried to kidnap the children, then very seriously toyed with killing you. For goodnes sake, don't make the mistake of thinking "he came back" or "he didn't mean it" -- because he DID mean it. Just because he didn't mean it forever doesn't mean he won't take an action that lasts forever. Next time, if you allow there to be a next time, he might go through with it, with even more devastating consequences.

Please don't let there be a next time. Talk to the shelter; talk to a lawyer; talk to the police and to the DA. If he's going to be in jail for a long, long time, talk to the school and your parents and build your defenses. But if not, I'd run for your life.

I'd also tell the kids that "Daddy got sick and kind of crazy and we need to stay away from him until he's better." Sadly, your 6 year old will need to hear things no 6 year old should ever have to hear, and will be put into a position of responsibility far above her years. But not hearing those things could cost her her life.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support.

I haven't really said much to my daughters yet. Mostly because they haven't asked. I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to explain to them that if they see their father somewhere or if he shows up at school not to go with him. I know I'll say something about Daddy being sick and needing to get some help but I know my 6 year old will have a zillion questions. The school and my work both have a copy of the restraining order in case he shows up at either place. He got out on bail over the weekend so I've been a bit anxious and nervous all week especially with the holiday yesterday but I haven't seen or heard from him, thankfully. I'm meeting with the DA's office tomorrow to discuss the case against him. Hopefully, all will go well and he won't try anything crazy or stupid.

Thanks again

Please let us know you're OK.

If he's not behind bars, quite frankly, I'm scared for you. Hope and prayers are one thing, but I put more faith in actions.

Sweeby~ Thanks for your concern. I haven't seen or heard from him since he's been out on bail. And hopefully I won't. I met with the DA's office the other day and they're building a case against him.

I still haven't had a talk with my 6 year old yet. This is really the most difficult part for me. Finding the balance in letting her know how serious this is but not scaring her or saying anything negative about him while being age appropriate. I'll talk with her about it soon though.

I think you need to be direct. Don't tell her more than you think she should hear, but make sure what you do tell her is very clear. No beating around the bush to whitewash it.

Does she know that when her dad took them to FL he did not tell you what he was doing? Does she know you had to call the police to find them? If not, I would tell her just that much. And that you were scared when they weren't where daddy said they would be. Daddy made a bad choice. Grown ups are supposed to make good choices for their kids, but right now daddy is not doing that.

A 6 y/o will understand good choices and bad choices, and that good people can make bad choices and we can still love them.

Daddy has made some other bad choices and that's why we can't see him for awhile. After daddy makes some good choices we will see him again. A judge will decide if daddy is making good choices again. This is very important: You cannot go anywhere with daddy until the judge and mommy say it's OK.

I think you'll need to talk about it repeatedly as she has questions later. If it works for you, encourage her to pray for daddy.

Good luck. I hope the worst is over.

Please don't let your guard down, he could be planning something very dangerous now that he's out of jail, just waiting for the right opportunity.

Be careful.

Does your daughter's school lock their doors during school hours? I would highly consider talking to them about doing so for the safety of all their students, not just your daughter. I'm sure many of the parents are worried that their kids are in your daughter's class with your husband's history and would be very happy with a lock down situation while your husband is out on bail.

I would also make sure your daughter knows her entire phone number with area code, last name spelling, how to go to people for help if needed, and understand that you are not going to die anytime soon, but if you did, that she would go live with grandma, not daddy or whatever that case may be.

I would tell your daughter like it is. "Daddy did a very very bad thing. He took you away without telling anyone and I had to call a policeman to find you again and then he grabbed Mommy and tried to hurt her, so he had to go to jail for a while. If Daddy ever tries to take you somewhere, don't go unless you ask me first YOURSELF!"
Don't tell them this stuff about "bad choices"...that makes it sound like he picked the wrong horse in a race. He did a bad thing...something punishable by jail time.
Your kids need to know that. They need to know to stay safe!
Linda C

I had a talk with my daughter and told her that she won't be able to see her dad for a while because he is sick. I explained that there are different kinds of sicknesses and the kind that he has affects his thoughts and the decisions that he makes. She had a couple of questions like "Is he in the hospital?" and "What kind of bad decisions did he make?" I expect that she will ponder it for a while and ask more questions later. I also told her that if she sees him she is not to go anywhere with him unless I tell her it is ok. We've talked before about never going anywhere with anyone even if you know them unless you ask first so that tied right in to that.

I also spoke with her teacher tonight as I had a few questions and wanted to discuss things with her. She didn't know anything about the restraining order! I had given it to the school secretary as soon as I had gotten it. I can't believe they didn't tell her teachers. She was surprised and annoyed that they hadn't told her either. I had a good conversation with her though and she assured me that she would not let DD leave school with anyone unless I tell her that it is ok.

It's been almost 3 weeks since "the incident" and I have not seen or heard from DH. Hopefully, that will continue to be the case. Part of me is wary of the quiet and afraid that he is planning something. After his recent behavior, I really can't hazard a guess as to what he's thinking.

Thank you for all of your suggestions and support. I appreciate it.

I have been through something similar though quite different. I had 4 children from my first marriage when I met and married my sons father (5th child). We were together for 5 years and married for 3. I was so happy, we never fought and got along great. My older kids respected him and everything was great...until I got a call one day from my oldest daughter that he was acting "strange" and that she wanted me to come home. As the story unfurled...it turned out that he was attempting to molest her. After having him abruptly removed from my home in handcuffs when our son was 2 years old, we gradually discovered that his abuse extended to my two younger daughters as well.

Needless to say, it was a very bad year. Since then I have moved on, the kids have had counseling and now 4.5 years later I have even remarried. My son still remembers his dad and says he "misses" him and asks about him often. The best I could conjur up is to tell him that his dad loved him very much, but that he would not be able to see him anymore. When he asks why. I often fall short. I tell him that dad had a problem that he has to go fix. That when he is a big man I can explain more to him. Just that he understands that the problem was not his (my son's) fault and it doesn't mean that his dad didn't love him, but it does mean that he will not see him anymore. I try to reassure him that I know that makes him sad, but how lucky a boy he is to have a step dad that loves him so very much (and he really truly does!).

I am sure that the conversations will become more awkward and he will have more questions when he is older. I do plan on being honest and disclosing more to him as he asks. I think it is important for him to have some empathy for his dad and his very sad problem, vs anger. I know that is hard for anyone to muster. Through all of this I discovered that his dad was very seriously molested by his aunt for a long period of time. He could have chosen another direction than to be a perpetrator, but in his brokenness he didn't. It is sad, and he is sufferring for his choice by the loss of his precious son. How can that not be just seen as sad.

In your case you have the added element of the kids being in imminent danger. I think in your case truth is very important. It is critical that the kids understand that Dad is a separate person and his bad behavior is absolutely no reflection on them as people. But I agree totally with Lindac...you need to tell them the truth in this case for their own safety. They need to understand that Daddy is not a safe person for them to go with right now.

I don't know if it's such a good idea to tell her that her dad is "sick". That might give her the fear that anyone can get "sick" in that way, and I wouldn't want her to worry that you or others she counts on may become "sick" as well. It's kind of like explaining death in terms of sleeping... that can be scary for a child.

Since it appears that you already said this to her though, you might want to have another conversation, if she asks more questions, about how "sick" maybe wasn't the best choice of words.

My daughter's dad is not quite right in the head either, and I know all too well the fear you have of him doing something horrible. You have to make sure your daughter knows that because of his bad choices, she cannot see him right now, that it would not be safe.

In a situation like this, sad as it may be, you cannot sheild her from some degree of pain. I'm not saying you should make him out to be a horrible person, but she's going to need some degree of the truth so that she knows not to go with him; otherwise, you'll be living in constant fear.

If he had a history of getting drunk & climbing into the driver's seat & crashing cars, would you hesitate to tell her to *never* get in a car with daddy unless mommy was right there saying it was okay?

same thing here, only much much more dangerous.

If you do not arm your child with the knowledge that her father is *for whatever reason* dangerous to her safety, if you do not take the most vigorous steps to assure her safety at school & at home, if you do not pursue the strongest legal course available to protect her, you're participating in increasing her risk.

If you keep sugar-coating this & trying to make it less than it is, & he kidnaps or hurts or kills her...
how are you going to feel about your decision?

Sylvia's right --

And please don't fail to consider what would happen to your children if he 'just' decides to hurt you. If he kills you or puts you in the hospital, your children go to foster care. Maybe he stays in jail a bit longer -- maybe they even throw away the key -- But your children are still growing up in foster care without a mother.

Taking care of your children means looking out for your own safety too.

I would seriously consider leaving town as long as he is walking around...

I think you maybe focusing on the wrong thing. Of course tell your daughter not to go with her father, but regardless of how much you tell her about how evil he is or how often you go over it with her, she is only 6 and her father probably still could talk her into going with him if he is given the opportunity to get to her.

The bottom line is, she should not be left alone or put in a position that she would have to know to make the choice to not go with him. Again, she is only six and it is her father. He can probably tell her lies to dispute whatever you tell her, or just grab her. Think of how many kids go off with strangers no matter what or how often parents tell them not to.

I too would seriously consider putting yourself and your children out of harms way. I am sure a woman's shelter could help you. You can tell your daughter until you're blue in the face how bad her father is, but that is probably not going to protect her from much if he wants to get her.

I have explained to DD that she is not to go anywhere with her father but as Carla mentioned, she is only 6 and could possibly be convinced to go with him anyway which is what I was afraid of. My kids are only 6 and 2 so they are never left alone. They're either with me, at school or with my parents but I want her to know just in case. She has also been told not to go anywhere with her brother (DH's son from 1st marriage) because he would help their father.

DH is challenging the restraining and custody orders so I have to go to court next week. I'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I'm really not looking forward to seeing him even if it is in court. Plus, I'm concerned about what he might do if the court sides with me and not him. I'm afraid it will set him off. Hopefully, the lawyer will have some good suggestions.

Make a plan for worst case scenario. Don't be alone if you can help it. Have a family member of friend with you all the time, it might make it harder for him to find an opportunity to get to you. A chat with a women's shelter might help you make plans for things you've never thought of.

Document everything in a journal and ask someone else to document it, too.

And keep us posted. Now we'll worry if we don't hear from you for a while! You're in my thoughts as you go through this mess. I'm sorry you and your children have to deal with this.

lunamoon:( I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through:( stay strong.......

Well, I had to go to court today because DH challenged both the custody and restraining orders. The restraining order was upheld, thankfully. The judge wants to arrange supervised visitation though. The problem is finding someone to do it. There are agencies that do supervised visitation but since there are criminal charges pending against him they will all probably refuse. The judge wants us to come up with and agree to a neutral party who is willing to do it. I can't think of anyone. Our family and friends are all very polarized and I wouldn't trust any of his anyway. I don't know what we're going to do.....

I just wanted to update everyone on what's going on. I appreciate all your suggestions and support. Thanks!

Mmm...how about a teacher, or a minister of religion for supervision.

Hope it goes well for you all.

POPI

The visitation issue has not been resolved yet. Hopefully soon.....

I had to testify for the Grand Jury today. I'm relieved to say that he was indicted on all the charges. Now for the trial... It'll probably be a year or so before that finally happens. At least things are progressing.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words! It is much appreciated.