No this is not a joke. Yes, Jesus wept and Im reminded of that daily. No I dont think reckless and irresponsible alcoholism is a good example to raise children with. Look at him, look at me, we were raised by alcoholics. Im trying to ascertain if all of this is in my head or if I make mountains out of mole hills? He didnt actually cheat with a gay man-- He said he felt like he was drugged, he was there to promote his business and had to be on his best behavior, and then he drank vodka. He said he didnt remember a thing and couldnt wrap his head around why he would forget about Me.? Yes, that was real bad and he swore off alcohol for 2/3 weeks. The massage on my friend? I intervened and took friend home, he said he thought he was just an affectionate guy, I dont know, it seemed closet gay to me but I dont know any gay people and I have no idea about that. What I do know is he was abused as a child, sexually and physically and emotionally and so on. I think this is the underlying cause of it all. I grew up with it as it occurred to my mother, grandmother, aunt, brother. None of it is unbelievable anymore, just sad and sick and scary. I watched my mother pull it together to be an awesome provider, but she kept all the pain inside and released it with alcohol at nite after we went to bed. Still harmful, even to this day when she likes to drunk call her fiends and family. It surrounds me. I've done everything but slip away to the other side of the world. Look people, Im biding my time here. Im gaining insight, strength, and weighing tolerance against recourse. What Im saying is, I need back up, and I need to know Im not crazy, I need to know that when the other boot hits the floor as im sure it will, can I load the kids up discretely and go to my moms? Call the cops? How do I run away and where and do I present the ultimatum at that point? Do I give him another chance? Its so firkin hard because his other side, the functioning side, when hes happy, is so pleasant and wonderful and lovable. So funny and sweet and charming. The two sides of him are like Jeckle and Hyde. The kids adore him, especially our daughter. She deserves a dad, they both do. A Dad who tries. Will he succeed? Yes I do think he can. Im waiting it out, for the insurance to seek out a marriage counselor, and a therapist Im sure will be referred. Thats an important step in all this. If not to just prove that a great deal of effort was applied. Anyhow, thanks all for the support.

Kay.... Going through the teen years can be like the terrible two's but with a much larger child! It can last for years. Don't get discouraged. I have a DS16 and just trying to have, what I consider, a normal conversation with him can sometimes make me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes....or his. It might be a good idea to talk with him at a time that is calm and remind him what the rules are. I have tried to lay down some sentences that I can say to DS16 during a discussion or disagreement that can remind him of the rules....Such as...."Remember who you are speaking to."...."You need to lower your voice."....."Your tone of voice sounds disrespectful to me." and so on. Sometimes he doesn't even know that he is loud or that I think that the way he is saying something in bothering me. All of that being said....do what you can to rule out the things that we all fear as parents of teens....alcohol or drug use, inappropriate internet use, depression, becoming sexually active. I'm sure I have left things out but you get the message. This day and age is tough. I feel for these kids. All the more reason to not let go of your house rules when it comes to respect and safety for the teens. Discussing with him some changes that he might like as he matures is an option. Stress the "As he matures" part. He needs to learn to handle his anger, talk about his feelings and still follow the rules. Each one comes to a calmer place at a different time. Some take a long time. The hard knocks of life can be the only teachers for some kids. Parents lose IQ points big time when their kids hit their teens. I wouldn't rule out getting him into see a counselor if you feel his anger is beyond control. Some kids can't talk to their parents and a third party can really help. It doesn't mean that their is something wrong with him. His brain and his body are on mega drive right now. Watch how he grows in the next few years!....I have heard that every growth spurt, whether it be mental or physical is preceded by an emotional time of turmoil. I think that is true when a child is entering into the just beginning to walk months and the teen years. Just fasten your seat belt. The ride will be bumpy at times. It is a good thing that God gives us these kids as sweet little babies. If we got them as teenagers they would likely mysteriously disappear...or we would. I remember thinking, when my DD20 was a teen and she would be mouthing off to me...."You know child, you are standing way to close with your back to those stairs to be talking to me like that."...Of course I would never push her but a bit of a sense of humor helps!!!

"I think under the circumstances she should live with mom. I don't know if mom pursued it though." Nope. Her mom has not pursued it. The court has basically tied her hands by requiring her to have an evaluation done (because she lied to the mediator & coached SD to lie to the mediator, so the mediator declined to make a recommendation) first... at her expense ($6,000) She has already told DH she does not have any money... of course she has since had another baby too. The only way she can go live with her mom at this point is if DH hands over custody. He is not willing to do that.. for a few reasons. (and money is not one of them) 1. When BM left SD, she also left her older DD with grandma. Coincidentally, BM claims older DD came to live with her at the beginning of this school year... the exact same time grandma moved to the town where BM lives. DH & I believe older DD is still living with grandma, but maybe using BM's address for school there so BM can 'prove' her older DD lives with her. If she wanted her kids with her, wouldn't she try to make that happen? If DH were to send SD to live with her mom, there's a very good chance that SD would end up living with others... grandma or BF's mother & not with BM. 2. DH is watching closely what is happening with older DD. She is wearing heavy make up & provacative/tight/trashy clothes at age 14. She looks 19. BM and/or Grandma allow her to use the computer/internet unsupervised... unless one of them is watching her at 1am-2am when she is posting things on FB. and BM's BF has two sons, right around the same ages as BM's daughters... and the older one left what DH considers inappropriate comments on older DD's FB page... and BM commented too, showing she knows about it but instead of having them remove the comments, she added to it... because she is more of a 'friend' to her than a parent. 3. BM has shown absolutely no concern for the things that DH feels are important for SD. SD is being assessed for ADHD, BM is choosing to not be involved at all. SD is failing in most of her classes, BM has chosen not to come to school conferences or meetings. If BM has no concern for what is happening in SD's life right now, why would that change if SD were living over there? As for spending my day with people I resent... DH gets SD up and out of the house while I am getting ready for work. I may say good morning if I see her. She now goes to after care until after I get done at work.. I pick her up at 6pm, her dad gets home around 6:30 or 7. I make dinner, she sits in her room. I play with the baby, she sits in her room. I watch TV, she sits in her room. DH comes home & she calls him into her room... he checks her binder, they talk & he goes to get cleaned up for dinner... she sits in her room. Dinner is served, she sits at the table... usually with her hand on the side of her face so I can't see her and she can't see me. She finishes her dinner & says thank you, and goes back to her bedroom until it's time for her to take her shower & get ready for bed. Nobody 'makes' her stay in her room. She is welcome to come into the living room and join the family... we have told her that many times. She usually declines. But, she has also told her mother that we make her stay in her room, eat her dinner alone, we won't let her play outside or we make her play outside in an electrical storm... whatever she needs to get a reaction from BM. It's a sad existence and life for a little girl... and a far cry from before her mom moved away or when she first lived here full time. She would ask me to take her to her friends house to play, or the park.. or we would go shopping & have lunch. I used to take her to girl scouts, karate, dance & swim lessons... and quite often, BM would get her panties in a twist that I am doing "mom" things and taking karate is only going to confuse her... because BM had taken her to tae kwon do & "it's a completely different form of martial arts that leaves SD confused" and BM insisted SD didn't want to do it, even though SD told us she did.... that is the kind of BS we have had to deal with when we try to do anything with SD. We looked into religious education, hoping she could get something out of it. DH is Catholic, BM is Presbyterian. We want her to learn about the ten commandments & the golden rule... we are not practicing Catholics, but the church has a youth group & we thought it was a good idea. BM found out, called DH yelling at him that SD is not going to be Catholic because she is Presbyterian & religion follows the mother... all the while DH could hear SD in the background listening to her mother yelling at her father. (and I'm not interested in any debate on religion or on who has the right or doesn't have the right to choose the religion...) the point is that BM is not practicing any religion either & SD hasn't been exposed to either religion... in my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they both want to take their child to both churches... let her learn both and make up her own mind what she wants to believe. But, that is the kind of stuff BM says and does to keep us from doing anything with SD. We have had talks with her about the lying... breaking down, crying, heart to heart talks and she knows that it is unacceptable for her to tell lies about us (she has also lied about DH) and yet, she continues to do it. We understand WHY she does it. DH cannot stop her from talking to her mom... and he has tried to tell BM what SD is doing, but she takes a defensive position. (BTW, SD also lies about her mom spending time with her... she lies to make us look bad, and she lies to make her mom look good.) You wouldn't tolerate your DD running around, spreading lies... and your DD would probably not do it because she cares what you think. SD seems to only care what BM thinks, and BM is the one that has taught SD to lie.. she has even lied for SD. I don't necessarily dislike SD, I don't trust her and I dislike the way she treats me with the things she does. I agree it is a horrible way to live.. not pleasant for her, nor for me. I wish it could be different and maybe someday, she will want it to be different. As for her mother, she has used the excuse that she has no money for gas to come see her school play, watch her perform in band, cheer her at her track meets, or even come pick her up on Fridays... but then she went & had another baby that I am sure SD will begin to notice that when the baby needs things, BM finds the money for it. and of course BM has time for the baby... even though she hasn't really had time for SD for 3 years. I guess the saddest part is that BM does not want to have a close relationship or be involved in SD's day to day life, but she also does not want me to either. So, SD is the one that suffers with a miserable life. This is probably an extreme case, but this is what I mean when mom's are so hell bent on being angry at dad's or jealous/insecure of anyone else loving or being involved in their child's life, or just plain territorial... it hurts the kids in one way or another. The stepparent may or may not have a relationship with the child... I am not saying that without the mom's interference, the child would love or have a relationship with the stepparent... but it certainly closes the door to that possibility when the mom causes problems. There's nothing wrong with a mom feeling jealous/insecure or not wanting another woman having a relationship with their child... maybe those are natural, instinctual feelings. But, to act on them to prevent such a relationship from forming because it's YOUR child... is just wrong, in my opinion. and I apologize for the hijack & very long post.

I was fortunate in that my Mom did not show signs of violent behavior. The wandering was bad enough while she was still able to walk. I think your friend needs to rethink taking care of her Mom. If she finds it hard now, it is only going to get worse. Much worse! As you know I was the sole caregiver to my sweet Mom for over 10 years and I would never ever put myself in that role again and my Mom was a dear gentle patient. Your friend's life will change forever if she takes this challenge on. You become an appendage of the person you are caring for because as the dementia progresses you have to do everything for that person. My Aunt was the violent type, my sweet gentle religious Aunt turned into a rabid animal locked in a cage. Swearing, hurting my Uncle, telling lies that almost put my Uncle in jail. My Aunt paced, back and forth. She wouldn't sit to eat, sleep. She walked and walked and ranted. She would get out of the house and walk into a neighbours house and act like it was her home and not theirs. Even after my Uncle put her in a nursing home she never found peace until she died. That is what Alzheimer's did to her. As someone above said, get the Alzheimer Society involved. They will send out a case worker but first your friend's Mom needs to be assessed by a Doctor. There could be something else that is causing her violent dementia. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't hesitate to put my Mom into care and as I said I had it easy until my Mom got cancer and I had to give her insulin shots but taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's will suck the life blood out of you. 8 years since my Mom passed away and I am still trying to find out who I am and to put my care taking in the past and not let it define me anymore. I must say though after the first couple of years of taking care of my Mom I became a better person and had to let go of the anger I was feeling at having to give up my life as I knew it, my savings, dating life, getting married, having kids because I chose to do this. I learned to be happy because I knew if I wasn't happy I would be in H'll on Earth. Alzheimer's in a terrible disease, much more terrible for the person that is doing the care giving than the one who suffers from it. I hope your friend gets some help for herself and her Mom sooner than later. Anne