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parents of estranged adult children

Posted by jan09 (My Page) on
Mon, Dec 17, 07 at 14:00

I too have been where all of you are. I am so happy to have found a site that seems to be "a need" in so many others lives as mine. I have felt so alone. My situation is somewhat different. I have three sons all of whom are in some form or other estranged from my husband myself and my only daughter. For three years now I have been in this difficult situation. I have never felt so low in my life. Until recently..... I made up my mind ( with my husbands help) to just walk away from all the pain. It has been horrible as many of you have witnessed for yourselves. I am lucky to have at least a good support group surrounding me. Many of you do not, I am sorry. But, here is where many of us can help each other now. I had (what I thought to be ) a wonderful daughter in law. She is now, in my eyes, the devil in disguise. At least If could blame her enitrely I would but, i can't not really, not totally. My son must be weak to allow her to destroy the beautiful family I thought I had raised. Because I stuck up for her to my son, I now have no communication with my grandchildren or my son or his two brothers ! The details are simple. My son wanted to leave her. His words were "She is a liar ! Everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie and she steals too !" (She stole a large sum of money from her mother and also from my son.) Knowing he loved her I said to him "Go back to her and your children. They are your family now. You would never be happy without them. " WEll, now I don't see any of them. And I believe my DIL turned my other son's and their girlfriends against me too. The funny thing is no one will talk about it ! My husband and I and my daughter don't even know what we did to deserve the treatment we are getting. And, when questioned nothing substantial ever comes out of their mouths, then they run away and stay gone. It just seems these kids (not really kids any longer) don't want to be held accountable for their actions ! They take the easy way out of everything ! By not confronting the problem it doesn't exist ! What a cowardice way to live as far as I am concerned. I am sick of it all. I will no doubt find a family deserving of my generosity this Christmas to spoil. My son's have taken my checks I send, cash them and never even let me know they received them ! No even a Thanks ! I cannot reward bad behaviour any longer. Overwith !! My daughter has been my saving grace. She is so much more mature than my sons. And, I never saw this before. What a difference. I know how I raised my sons and saw my mother go thru the same thing with six sons. DIL's can be so jealous of the relationships their husbands have with their mothers. I don't understand this as I have always had a wonderful realtionship with my mother in law. I will welcome any comments.... thanks for listening. Jan


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I feel for you. We were estranged from our daughter and sil in for 3 yrs. They stopped letting us see the grandkids for 2 of those yrs. Finally it mended. I thought and still do that my sil was behind 90% of it. My daughter was naive. Last summer it started again, after a reunion of several years. We didn't get to see the grandkids for several months. My daughter and the grandkids have reunited with us, but the sil is still mad. That's fine! I'm just happy we get to see our grandkids..but who knows how long it will last. Our son has been a joy. I hope it never changes. He sees how it hurt us..and it makes him mad. I don't understand why in laws do this and how our children can go along with it. Is it just easier because they have to live with them? I wish you luck! Thank God you have a loving daughter!


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Yes it sure is an unpleasant club, but I am glad I have found this site to at least have some one to talk to and listen to off and on. As I am presently in CA, all three of my kids are together with their f celebrating his birthday in NY. That is just how it is. Anyway I have had a few hairy days feeling kind of bad. They always say that the girls really need their fathers and that is, I guess, what is going on with my daughters. I really don't know what to think anymore. But it has been so long since I have been feeling so down that I can't stand myself. I go to sleep at night and wake up to the same thing. (the sadness of it all) Well today is a new day and I guess I better get back to work and try to do something positive for today. Some day time will tell I guess, that maybe my three kids will realize their Mom deserves more.


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Link to Today Show, Friday, Dec. 21

I might have been a little harsh in my assessment of the Today Show segment on estrangement. I was just expecting more. I found a link to the MSNBC page on today's show and it has a link to the video on the topic. I don't know how long the link will be good as it might change from day to day. But here it is for today anyway:

Here is a link that might be useful: Family Estrangements, Today Show, Dec. 21


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Three years ago my son graduated from a NY university with an engineering degree. He had no job. He had been living with us for years after his first year away a college. Then moved home to commute to State U., to spend less, be near us and our church and help lead the youth at our church. He was a great son. I loved him! We talked every day. He was like a best friend to my husband. He met a nice young lady online - in Texas. Eventually after corresponding for a couple years, and no work here, he moved to Tx - had a very part time position. And would look for full time work there.

With in that first year they were married. And in another 10 months they had our first grandchild! Financially, things were never good from the start. He just was not getting the computer jobs. They lived with her parents most of the time. After a 1 1/2 he finally got a full time job in IT at the college. But to our surprise - ever since he moved away and got involved with the DIL family, he has become more and more estrangled. Now we are at the point that he has not talked to my husband in over a year.
We don't have their phones. We don't know were he works now. We aren't even positive of where they live. We mail things to her mother's home (where they may be living).
Occasionally they get irritated about something I may post online (we communicate via blog site) and then we will be cut off from even seeing pictures of our grandaughter. We not have the privilege again. We never have talked to them on her birthdays, or on holidays. Not Thanksgiving or Xmas of this year. It is so strange - besides being ssoooo Painful. We did not have relationshp problems that we could see before he moved . What is this all about??
I am ready to move on, being hurt so much to the point of depression every day. I am tired of this rift controlling me. I want to find a new life. We have done nothing to our son to deserve this horrible disrepectful treatment.
When his sister got married this past year. He did not even attend the wedding and made up some explanation of how they never liked each other or got along as kids!! So what?
He does not talk to her, or friends in NY or other family.
Why would a person change so much?
I do have to mention we are in ministry. Something he was also involved with for years (with youth-he loved it).
But now he claims to no longer believe and is atheist.
I know this mind change has influences. But this just came recently. Thaks for any ideas.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

speaking as a wife of a man who is close to cutting his mother out of his life i will put it to you this way, when i met my hubby i was shocked at how his mother still refered to her kids as babies, i was even more stunned at how she loved to tell me that he was allways the dumb one becuase he dosnt like to read! she is divorced from his dad and all she does is say what a horrible person he is, and then tells me that my hubby is "so much like his dad". we financially supported her for 2 years in exchange that she help us with the kids if we needed it. (we have 4) this was a bad idea on our part as i came to realize what a lazy, depressed and unhappy women she is, even though she can come across as very sweet. there are 3 other kids who are lazy and no good for the most part my hubby is such a hard worker and as a result we have nice life style. as a result of some terrible things that were said by his brother (who lives 2 blocks away) we are no longer speaking with him and now my mother in law blames me for this. as a result we didnt include any of them this xmas. i hate to say this but take a long hard look at why your children are estranged. believe me this is not an easy decision to make, my husband is very torn about this, but sometimes there is no other way, we have found the stress that was in our lives is suddenly gone, we had a great xmas rather than the usuall depressing one with his mother making terrible cracks about his father, and horrified that i dont make turkey dinner, we had tacos and had a great day. dont be so quick to blame your kids new spouse, as im in that battle right now, just think long and hard.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I am so stunned to find that so many parents are experiencing this all consuming level of pain! I had no idea; I suppose that I should have, but I truly felt like I was alone. I have been estranged from my daughter for 2 1/2 + years and remain completely baffled by it. I cannot even come close to understanding what happened in her mind from one day to the next. This is not to say that I do not realize every relationship including ours has challenges...there was nothing to prepare me for being cut out of her life. To this day, no one including her dad (divorced), my SIL and MIL understand why.

My daughter is 25. Shortly before her college graduation, she called me for extra money while I was talking to a doctor about my very ill mother's impending amputation. I explained to her that I would be going on an emergency trip for her grandma, that I did not think I could help as it would be very expensive. I supported my daughter's education with her dad, with monthly payments for tuition, rent, etc., so there was no issue with contribution to her education and life. She would generally accept it if I did not have extra money and carry on. This time, she became beligerant and completely lost it...yelling and going overboard with indignation...I had to get back to the doctor on the phone, so Itried to calm her, but told her that I could not talk right now and that she had to understand my mom was about to lose her leg and this was devastating for her. She hung up. End of story for months, she did not return a call, an email, ask about my mom...nothing. Then I did get invited to her graduation. I found out later that my Ex insisted and told her that she would not have a graduation if I was not invited. I was thrilled and thought this would be the changing moment...that she was just being stubborn and it would now be OK. I tried to plan a graduation party for her and realized that was not going to happen--my Ex said she wanted to be with her friends and she was still not talking to me. At the graduation, she was fine with me, friendly and warm...then as we were all leaving, I realized that there was a party somewhere else that I was not invited to...it was devastating...as this was what I had always done. Every occasion, every celebration, that was my world, to create wonderful memories and joy. MY daughter and only child's college graduation and I felt like someone being pushed out...it made no sense. My heart was ripping in pieces, as she and I had always been close, though we had our teenage issues, up until that conversation, we had been enjoying a warm relationship...I was the one she called with problems and we joked about life and shared a lot of feelings and analysis of things. We are a lot alike in that way.

After the graduation, she cashed my $500 check and I have not ever once been able to speak to her or hear one word. I leave voicemails, write emails...try every possible way to reach her heart with love. I send gifts for every occasion, tell her I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her, that I miss her and hope that soon we can resolve this. I tell her hat if I understood why, I may be able help solve what is hurting her. Nothing. It is bizarre, incomprehensible to everyone and the most heartbreaking experience of my life. At one time, I felt I could not live with the pain. I cannot ever imagine my daughter getting married, having children without me. The thought of that possibility destroys me.

What I do learn from my SIL and MIL is not comforting, she has become a rather volotile young woman with the family and seemingly quite narcissistic and at times hurtful to others. This is a young woman who was always compassionate and kind to people...I know something is wrong in her heart. She was always high spirited and stubborn, but definitely sweet in her relationships. I want to help her... I cannot sustain anger for more than a short time. She did not even ackowledge my mother's death and that completely shocked me, even though it had been 2 years, I was certain that she would reach out to at least send flowers or show her love for her grandma...nothing. That did incite some anger, but briefly. More than anything, I am convinced that she is not OK or she would not be behaving this way. She had an argument with my SIL (who I am very close to) and told her that she could rot in hell with her mother (me). My SIL is a totally sweet person and would never deserve anything like that. Who would? SHe never talked like that!!!?

I just cannot ever truly absorb this...I hide it from people as I am too embarrassed to admit that my daughter does not love me.

I do not want to live a life without her...something has to change...I love her so much and I miss her and mostly I am very worried about her. She is bright and successful in her life, but struggles with her close relationships in a way that is clearly unhealthy. I do not know how this happened so suddenly...it is a complete sad and horrific nightmare. I just want to hold her and help her.

Thank you for listening!

XOXOXOXOXOX to all and your pain.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

This happened to me on Boxing Day
my middle daughter being widowed and with 2 children at the time 11 and 15 married again - a man from a very poor family abroad. She lived a mile or so from me - and since the marriage we had the children on different occasions when there was trouble between them and their stepdad. She had a little boy by him 4 years ago. Her new husband has never worked - she always worked and they lived on her money and a pension fron her husband dcd. In August this year she lost her job and they had a quick and complete move to his home - sold up etc., (she had already mortgaged their house here to buy 2 properties for him and his family in their country.
Her daughter was an uni by this time her son 16- this sone hates his stepdad and wouldn't go with them so we tried - how we tried to give him a home with us - we are in our seventies and both have chronic medical conditions. Anyway she came home to us for Christmas and we wanted to talk to her about finding something better for her son - he was living in our caravan (UK caravans are not big) and had lost direction. The news that we were going to discus this leaked out from another of our daughters and before we had time to do anything middle daughter came in (we were out) packed her xmas case and everything she could, took the boy of 16, andleft messages that she has finished with us for good - we couldn't say goodbye to our 3 yr old grandson (completely cut off now) or our other grandson - we dont know where he is, Our grandaughter at uni wont answere phone, mid daughter has how gone back to Turkey.
We are devastated - any helpful ways & ideas of getting through this would be so appreciated. She has very nice properties abroad and neither of them work so she'll be fine - dont have to worry about her materially,


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

My estranged child came back all of the sudden and the child was a victim of severe brainwashing (the WORST kind) by my EX and his family ( I was told) and I suffered severe anguish and pain and trauma because of it all (the worst kind as well) and the child says now "I want to perhaps maybe get to know you as a friend only, don't want to call you mother, don't want to speak about the past AT ALL" the child was lied to about me and my whole family myself and all of my relatives were taken out and kept out of my childs life! My Ex had relocated my child dissapeared with him (no address) then he spend all his energy on brainwashing her against me! His second wife of a few years (no longer marrried to him either) is still part of my childs life (long distance), but she was part of the deception back then and a recent promise by her to tell my child the complete truth fell apart because of fear of loosing her very own relationship with my child! My child calls her mom and it kills me because I understand why but it hurts sooo bad! I am asking is the pain and severe torture and anguish and worry not part of us after 15 years of living daily with it? If it is part of Me then how can I make a "new friend (my child's words) without realy beeing allowed to be myself? I think all of it is not fair, what happend back then was not fair to my child and myself and this is not fair now...I feel as this pain will never end...
Mom in pain!


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

diana, I can only imagine how painful this is for you. First the pain of the estrangement and now an offer to re-connect but only as a 'friend' with no verbal acknowledgement of your being her mom. Of course she doesn't want to speak about the past, I don't think any of these kids want to go there. None of them want to be held responsible for any part they played so they ask us to agree not to talk about it.

You won't have much of a relationship if your walking on egg shells and not allowed to be yourself. Perhaps you could try a few get togethers and get her at ease with you and then approach some of the reality....slowly.

I don't think any of us would want to jump head on into the 'old' relationship for fear of being hurt again anyway. If over some time you feel that things are progressing then perhaps your daughter will start opening up and look at you as more then a friend.

'Mom in pain' is certainly accurate.

anniebal


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

last month my daughter got married and I was not invited. She invited everyone else in the family but me. She has also cut off access to my two grandchildren. Talk about public humiliation! I can only wonder what people thought. You know that some were wondering where the mother of the bride was. And knowing my daughter, she probably lied and said I didn't want to come. Is there any recourse I should take for this? I don't want people to think I didn't want to be there. I would have jumped at the chance. But instead my ex's mother had the privilege of planning the wedding, (paying for it too by the way), helping her pick out a dress...you know all the "mother" things you dream of doing the first time you hold your infant daughter in your arms. I am so relieved to know that I am not alone. I never dreamed there were so many of us out here, hurting. I don't think this rift will ever be mended because she can never have another wedding day, and I wasn't allowed to be a part of it.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

kmttsmom...

In June my son was married and my husband and I were not invited... our entire guest list was invited but we were not..
luckily for us, most of our guest list sent notes back saying that this was supposed to be a wonderful day, but that they would not consider being part of something that we were not included in... I don't think you should think of recourse, anyone that is truly important to you will know the truth. Yes, my ex husband and his parents and family became the stand ins for us.. I have spoken to my ex and his parents.. they all know what happened but they have not been included much over the last 10 yrs so I didn't expect them to not go to the wedding on my behalf.. they did however try to speak to my sons.. I should add that the son that got married has taken in the younger son.. neither speak to us anymore.. younger son was best man etc..

Please don't feel that this can never be mended because of the wedding day.. there's always a chance that you can have a relationship.. it won't be the same, but some say it can happen.

stay strong....

Sarahsmom


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New forum for estrangements

Hi folks,

We've created a new forum JUST for estrangements. Please stop by --

Here is a link that might be useful: Estrangements


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hello, I'm new here, and finally I've been able to find a site that addresses this problem. I've felt alone with this problem, for yrs. now. Started with my son, now 23, although we do have a relationship. But, it's been a rough road. He's a good person, has his degree and is a Civil Engineer. The only thing is, seeing him as an adult now. He's great in so many ways, except he's been into 'him' only since after the 1st yr. of college. He said, "mom I know I've neglected you, but that will change when I get out of college"...(which it got worse)...all I can say, at least we are speaking. Just sad for me, since I gave my 'everything' for him, and as other mom's would relate to, gave up things for him. Which I have no regret (sometimes lol), but boy am I surprised now on how little or nothing do we mom's get back in return for all the time and commitment to our children. It's sad and hurtful, but I'm trying my hardest to except it and move on. I think it's all we can do. But, it's the hardest thing I've had to do in my life, and pretty sure I'll feel this way till the day I die. It's been 23 yrs. of my life, since I also have a 19 yr. old daughter, that has done even worse things to me. Especially, in disrespect/abandonment...and she also, is in College, and same story as my son. So, it's very difficult when it's (2) children. The 'pain' is there every single day, from the moment I get up to the time I go to bed. But, I'm trying really hard. Haven't spoken to my daughter, since Christmas 08'. She just keeps hurting me, and I can't take it anymore. Been this way now, for 2 1/2 yrs. Thanks for listening... naturewoman


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

To thine own self be true....

Do what is best for you.
Let the rest play out.
You can't solve everything.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hi Everyone,
I keep hanging on strong. No change in my daughter's behavior towards me. She got married on Dec.2009 and still no communication attempts. I have an interracial family and I believe Kenneth the young man she married(they are both young)doesn't like that. She stays away and I can't enjoy my grandson. I have my oldest daughter who comes around when she gets that feeling of seeing mom, only to cuss me out soon as the visit comes to an end. I had to do something real hard and ask her not to come by anymore. It hurts but I don't believe I was a crappy mom as she says. Her dad has never met her by choice I raised her and I'm crappy. I pray for God to give both of my daughters hearts of flesh because I don't think they feel anything. I'm glad I'm not alone out there cuz this is a hard way to live alone. Later!!!


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have been struggling with letting go of a grown child (son) of mine. He is pulling away from our family. He is recently married. His wife desires not to live in our state. They have both quit their jobs and are moving a thousand miles away. We (mom, dad and sis) do not understand why. We wish we could change their minds. They do not care about all the wonderful things we have done for them when they started their new lives together. They owe us nothing. Perhaps, it is not in their hearts to know that our efforts were a gift of love. They took what we gave of our time, energy, emotions, love and money. They gave us a few memories of them. We were graced with their presence for holidays, had them over to dinner, took them to the ocean, sent them to see plays and invited them to the ballet. We were making wonderful memories but they really were never a part of us. They just came along for the ride. You cannot make someone Love you just because you are good to them. You should be good for goodness sake alone. You cannot make them love you back. You cannot make a relationship with someone that does not want one with you. It is like one hand clapping. I do not know why this happens in families. I don't what it is that we must come to learn from it. It seems all bad to me. But, I think, we need to learn that just good intentions won't change another persons mind. The more you force, the more they pull away and sometimes to their own detriment. I wanted to strike them back. I wanted to threaten them and hurt them the way they are hurting us. Then, I REFUSED to fall into that trap. I will not give them that kind of Power over my families' peace. Life will go on no matter how our estranged children behave towards us. Only you have the Power to hurt yourself, no matter how cruel they may seem. I truly believe that we all wish to be involved in their lives to protect and nuture them. We react so badly because we are hurt. But, we need the Faith to let go. We need to believe that there is a loving creator who will watch over them. This knowledge gave me a Great Peace as I struggled with a way to release my DS. I wanted it to be about what was best for him and not about my own selfish desire to keep him near to me even though I love him and want to protect and guide him on Life's Path. Perhaps, my Higher Power wants me to give my DS to Him now. So, I looked for a prayer that I might say to help me to release my child as letting go is so very painful for me. I thought I might post that prayer here for anyone who might gain some benefit from its wise words. I hope you all might benefit from it in some small way as I have. Oh, I thought to mention that it might be best to pray for your child alone. Don't get your mind on how other people caused him or her to change. They have a mind of their own and would not go against you so easily unless they were also in accord. It is our own children that we need to pray for and not against anyone else.

Prayer for My Child

I come to You in J__s name and give (name of
child) to You.

I'm convinced that You alone
know what is best for him/her. You alone know
what he/she needs.

I release him/her to You
to care for and protect, and I commit myself to
pray for everything concerning him/her that I
can think of or that You put upon my heart.

Teach me how to pray and guide me in what to
pray about. Help me not to impose my own will
when I'm praying for him/her, but rather
enable me to pray that Your will be done in
his/her life.

Thank You that I can partner with You in raising
him/her and that I don't have to rely on the
world's unreliable and ever-changing methods
for child rearing, but that I can have clear
directions from Your Word and wisdom as I pray
to You for answers.

Thank You, Lord, for the precious gift of this
child. Because Your Word says that every good
gift comes from You, I know that You have
given him/her to me to care for and raise. Help
me do that.

Show me places where I continue
to hang on to him/her and enable me to release
him/her to Your protection, guidance, and
counsel.

Help me not to live in fear of possible
dangers, but in the joy and peace of knowing
that You are in control. I rely on You for
everything, and this day I trust my child to You
and release him/her into Your hands.

~By Stormie Omartian


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

WOW...how do I keep this short. I just turned 50 and have been estranged from my mother for over 25 years. This is MY decision.

I know there are some sad stories of loving parents who are now estranged from their daughters.

My story is not that. I was abused as a child. I will keep it at that.

When my mother's husband died last year - I wanted nothing to do with it and I did not go to the funeral. I was offended that she asked me for support. She told me years ago to stay out of her life and I have been. Again that was over 25 years ago.

So please if there is a daughter mother estrangement.. sometimes the parents brought it on themselves.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hello, I am new here. My adult son has become estranged from me since my divorce (not my choice). My daughter has stayed mostly close to me even though she's in another state with my grandchildren and mother; but my son will have nothing to do with me -- not even letting me follow him on twitter or Facebook... I only get second hand information from my daughter, his half-sister. I'm not even sure why he stopped communicating with me, because he won't tell me or as far as I know, tell anyone else.

He's been through a divorce of his own since mine, and I can't even comfort or support him about that. I wasn't the best of mothers (I had depression, illness and other problems), but a lot of years have passed by and even my daughter acknowledges I am different now.

I guess I'm not surprised to learn that other parents are going through the same things. I know my son will never be whole unless he learns to forgive; but coming from me, I don't think that means anything to him. It's heartbreaking. I am trying to make a new life for myself so that his dad can be happy in his new life and not worry about me, and this estrangement from my son is holding me back, in terms of depressing me.

My siblings are older, my mother may not be around much longer and so my children are the only close family I have. I have written lots of emails (he keeps the same email address), sent messages, etc., to no avail.

As a last resort, I've written to his dad to ask if he can talk to him, and at least find out what the anger is. (I trust him to be fair.) Please pray for me that I can be reunited with my son again - for all our sakes.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I was pleased to see that there are forums such as this because when you go through estrangement it can be a very lonely thing.I have a large family 4 children 3 girls and a son. 4 Months ago our middle daughter decided to fall off the planet. No contact to friends or family. I didnt even know this sort of thing could happen and it was like being rear ended. I feel as though someone reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest guts and all. We have always been a close family no ones been abused or any thing. When reading this it seems it often happens around college age or after. Makes me wonder,what are these kids learning in college besides the educational side of things. The only thing that I can fill in the blank with that makes any sense at all is possibly a cult of some sort.She was raised in a Christian home.After this happened we heard that someone told her that she needed to cut all ties from her family.Then she stopped going to her regular church and started attending a 'home church'not sure what that is in this case. She has started to speak to us once in a while and has told me that God has told her or lead her to do this and she is not sure when it will end. She wont discuss it beyond that.This is a horrific blow to me as a Mother and to our family in general. There is no real closure like when you loose someone in death. There are no answers to any of the questions because they wont speak.God and my sister have sustained me through this as no one in the family wants to discuss it and I dont really blame them,whats to discuss? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this would happen in our family we were like the poster family in some ways for what a great family looks like. But you start to wonder where you went wrong, did I show favoritism? Did I miss somethings,some clues? Can I have a do over? I thought that if there was one thing that I got right in my life it was being the best Mother I could possible be.No one loves their children more than I do.(hypothetically) My heart goes out to all you Mothers who have prayed every day,wiped noses and bottoms and invested everything except a vital organ only to have your child spit in your face. It is the cruelest thing that life can hurl at us,like a bad joke or a nightmare you dont wake up from. I am trying to have faith in God for a miracle that he will return her to us someday(hopefully soon) but there is a little matter of the will.This was so hard to accept particularly from her as she was my kindred spirit,she was the one who would run down the hall at school even in high school and yell MOM and throw her arms around me.She is the sunshine in the room ,you know the type makes you feel great to be in their presence. But I have hope and by the grace of God I will continue to.These are percarius times we live in,Satan is going after the family unit now,its not just about earthquakes and floods any more they are happening in our homes. Forearmed is forewarned so pray people pray..


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

It's a little curious how more than just one of your children are estranged. Are you sure that you're not responsible for at least part of it? Hard to think they would cut their mother out of their life for just no reason or imagined offenses.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

To Ms minnamouse, Not sure where ever you got that more than one of my kids is estranged. ONE
Also she did not just cut out her Mother she cut out her entire family and friends including life long friends!
And yes I take full responsibility for any thing I personally have done to hurt or offend her Im not that kind that is blinded by her own faults. All parents make mistakes, all I know Is that I love her with all of my heart and soul and all that is with in me and always have and have. But it's hard to apologize for something if you have no idea what so ever why they stopped talking another words she has never verbalized that I/we are responsible for anything.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Did you stop to think that I may have been addressing the person who started this thread? I don't know where you come in.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hi to all who post here. I have been in tremendous emotional pain and grief over the past 5 years. My son one day just hung up the phone without speaking to me. Just like that, no warning, nothing said. I tried several times to contact him and each time, the same thing. I have gone over everything leading up to his continual hang up's and silence. Our conversations, times when I saw him, and yet there is nothing I can truly pin point to his silence and treating me as I don't exist. My daughter thought it to be so hurtful and destructive on so many levels. Then last year when we had a disagreement, my daughter chose to punish me. She too has now left and is doing exactly the same thing.
After do much soul searching and continual sleepless nights with a pain so great that it feels like my heart has been ripped out, I now feel objective about this estrangement they have chosen.
I believe it is a punishment they feel entitled to give me. I loved being their mother. I reared them to be strong and independant, to believe in themselves and to always know I would support them in whatever they chose to do and the people they wished to become. I loved giving them the opportunities as they were growing up, given unconditionally as they are my chlldren.
Now, it seems I really didn't know them at all. Yes I will always love them but they have taught me a great lesson in their actions. I will never beg for their love, although mine will always be unconditional. I do want an apology when one day they decide to contact me. They are adults and therefore contribute to our relationship if it is to survive. They must take responsibility for their decisions, including the estrangement from myself.
I have had a strong and wonderful relationship with my mother. We have worked at our relationship over the years knowing it takes give and take on both sides. Even when I was younger and my mother and I did not agree, we always listened to one another and respected each other's opinion. I could never hurt my mother by punishing her with estrangement, never.
No one is perfect, no one is immune. I think our children are truly missing out on something very special as they grow and evolve by cutting off the very people who lived and breathed every moment for them, basing all decisions on their welfare and well being, doing without so they never did.
Perhaps this was wrong. Perhaps I should have placed myself first instead of last. It seems this has given them a false sense of entitlement to meter out punishment for a crime they will not tell me I was supposed to have committed.
Life goes on and I am putting one foot in front of the other every day in building a life worth living for me rather than spend one more minute feeling worthless because they think I am. Who do they think they are? The least they could do is have the courage to come to me and tell me why they are punishing me. But no, they are taking the easy way out and just giving me the silent treatment.
It is all so absolutely futile in a life the is so very short. I hope for their sakes and mine that they do not wait until we attend a funeral for one of us as that would be criminal and we would never recover.
To all children who punish their parents with estrangement, silence and disdain. TALK, LISTEN, RESOLVE because one day your parents will no longer be here and you will have wasted precious time and energy. Also be careful, as I believe this can extend to you and become a generational event throughout your lives with your children and your children's live. How irresponsible is this? Grossly irresponsible.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Fromtheheart, your story is sad. But I must say, my mother and I are estranged for a reason. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to listen to her.

Resolving our issues would mean she'd have to take a real long hard look at the way she has been manipulating everyone in her life for DECADES. I don't see that happening.

Sometimes there's a reason for estrangements.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

"Fromtheheart, your story is sad. But I must say, my mother and I are estranged for a reason. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to listen to her.

Resolving our issues would mean she'd have to take a real long hard look at the way she has been manipulating everyone in her life for DECADES. I don't see that happening.

Sometimes there's a reason for estrangements."

Like the person who stared this thread, I bet if you asked your mother, she would say that the estrangement was unjustified and happened for no reason and that it had to be all your fault and not her's.

However, I'm not saying that I know this to be the case in the poster's experience but it is more likely than not to be the case.

As soon as I'm lucky enough to move out, I want to get the heck out of here and never come back or ever talk to my parents again but I bet they can't or won't concede that they share any of the blame for me feeling that way.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hello,
I'm writting to you parents who are estranged from a child /children. I too am in the lot, however after 4 yrs of this. I have come to realize it is not about me, my husband or the sibblings of these adult children. It is their lot in life to find their way if this is the road they choose I pray for my child , some days 24 hrs a day. There are no answers to why this happens and sometimes no one is to blame.It's just the way it is and unfortunatley you won't get this time apart back...being bitter about it only makes the wound hurt worse . Being better for it(ie. mother, grandmother, friend etc) helps you work through the pain, deal with it as best you can and always hope that they know you love them...no matter what they think! wishing you a miracle to all of you in this lot.

Sincerely, Nanci


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Ms. Minna, I have talked to my mother. This is not the first time we've been estranged. The last time I forgave her, and we moved on. The last time she really stepped over the line, threw fits, ran away, moved out of state, didn't contact me for months... then told our family lies about me. And yes... it's all my fault and she also blamed my husband, because he stood up for me. Either way:

I'm done.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Is there a support group for children who have become estranged from their parents? There seems to be a lot of sympathy out there for parents who think their kids no longer talk to them "for no reason" but there is nothing for us!

My parents are mentally ill and refuse to seek help. They didn't come to my wedding, accused my boyfriend (now husband) of being an alcoholic and abuser, and my other family members will not talk to them either for similar issues of their own. My mother and father, of course, think I stopped talking to them for "no reason." I don't want my children growing up with that kind of poison around them.

I'm now trying to find ways to cope without my parents. Holidays are especially bad because I remember the good times when I was a CHILD, not the last 15 adult years which have been horrible. Any information about a support group for us adult kids would be appreciated.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

For eight years I've lived in this nightmare. Some days are more difficult than others. Today is my birthday, and I am particularly grieving the loss of my grandchildren. I wrote this little poem which I want to post here since I'm not permitted to write to them.

For reasons I may never know,
It's from your life I'm forced to go.

And though we are apart I pray,
That things won't always be this way.

Within my heart your light burns bright,
I think of you last thing each night.

I close my eyes, and you are there,
In memories of the past we share.

You were then and will forever be,
Such a very special part of me,

That it doesn't matter where you are,
Whether it be near or far,

You'll always be My Shining Star.

Mema


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Reading some of these posts, seems to me, as if i could have written them myself. My head is in a fog these days. I have a 26 year old son who slammed me with, I was an awful mother. He has an awful father and sister as well. He has been verbally abusive to me in conversation, the two times that we have spoken, since this all came about. I have sent him heartfelt cards and emails, that he took offense to. I just cannot believe this is even happening. It has been an absolute nightmare. All of you know, who truly love their kids, how deeply this hurts. It is very sad. Without getting into the details of the situation, my sons has been totally irrational and cannot hold a proper two way conversation. He is getting married this summer, he advised me that I am not invited. Also, he may let me into his life, when he makes me a grandmother, but it will be very limited. He has taken his anger out on me more than anyone else. Everyone else tip toes around him and try to appease him. I am a patient and understanding person, but I will not be bullied and disrespected. I love my son dearly and miss him. After reading so many posts, it seems that this is a common problem with a lot of parents. My son disowned me from his life, but not from the school loans that he begged me to co-sign for, and has not paid on in six months. His father wouldn't because he was buying a house. I was in no shape financially to do so. There is nothing that I can do about it, except scrape up the money every month and pay it. Has anyone ever been through such an experience, and their child have a change of heart and realize what they did was so wrong?


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I recently reunited with my 37 yo son after 26 years. It has been incredible but very difficult. He is a sweet guy, good hearted, smart and usually treats me respectfully. He is also a raging alcoholic.
We're up and down in our new relationship. Currently I am in Virginia visiting friends. He has only called me once and did not bother to wish me happy b'day. I left California on good terms I thought--now it appears he won't even talk to me. I cannot call him because he lost his phone-no doubt while drinking-and had to get a new phone and cell #. Perhaps he is feeling I abandoned him once again although I asked him if he was cool with me coming to VA and he said it was fine.
We live with my brother-his uncle-and now my brother says my son has to leave due to his drinking. This was the only rule my brother had upon him moving in. He was ok with drinking as long as he didn't make a spectacle of himself in front of my neice and nephew (his cousins).
So I don't know what to do now-leave him alone for awhile or try and see who has his new number and call him. I see no use in chasing and hassling him. It does drive me insane not to talk to him and he knows that. I have tried very hard not to be clingy and possessive-after all he is not 10 anymore.
I am way out of my comfort zone here and do not know how to deal with this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Jan


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hi. I am new just found this site and thrilled to death to have found it yet it breaks my heart that there are soo many of us in this gawd awful boat. looking forward to reading more and hopefully finding easier ways to cope with this


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I am also new to this forum. I've visited before, but this is the first time I've posted. Unlike all of you, this is a difficult position. My oldest son, now 30 has been estranged from the entire family for over 3 years now.
He put his wife & 14 mo old son out of the house. We, as most grandparents would, took them in. He blamed us for "taking sides". We learned a few days later that he was involved with another woman. He subsequently divorced, and later married the "other woman". He still blames us for "taking her side". We remain close to the "ex" DIL and grandson.

Son has now married the "other woman" & has 2 children. The 1st was born before they even married. Although we were not welcome when the baby was born, we did get to see her @ about 5 months. He left the state when she was less than a year old. We learned last year that he has another son (child was 3 months old at that point).
He has NO contact with his son from the 1st marriage. We were in our son's new hometown in May of 2011. Called & arranged to take him & the wife out to dinner. Tried our best to "mend fences". They didn't bother to bring our grandchildren to the dinner. We've never seen our grandson, except in pictures. We have sent gifts to our grandchildren. They returned one; wrote nasty notes about others. The Christmas checks from 2011 have not cleared the bank...but we sent cards/checks to our granddaughter & son's wife for their birthdays, Jan 2012. Now the new DIL has requested to be my husband's "friend" on Facebook. Last time she did this was to let him know about the "new baby". She later "unfriended" him abruptly. Hope she's not just "playing games".....We took our son out of our will after his estrangement. I refuse to feel guilty over his behavior. I've finally come to the conclusion that I can't change him....and I've done nothing wrong.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have read your stories, and I want to thank you for posting them. I frequent forums for adult children who have severed ties with their parents, and it is eye-opening to read the other side of the coin. I benefit from knowing your experiences, and I am so sorry for your losses.
My children do not know their grandparents. They do not see them on holidays and certainly have never slept over at their houses. As parents, my husband and I were faced with a big decision. Did we want to protect our children from the alcoholic, vitriolic, self-absorbed people who raised us? or did we want to expose our children to them so that our children would have grandparents, as other children do? and so that our parents wouldn't feel the heartache that many of you feel?
Well, we made the choice to deprive our children and break our parents' hearts. We've never been happier! Our middle child no longer sits in the shadow while my mother shows obvious favoritism to my oldest. Our answering machine no longer contains maudlin messages from my drunk mother-in-law as she toys with committing suicide over cancelled plans. My father-in-law still calls on my mother-in-law's behalf, but we don't ever pick up. They are broken, miserable people. Before my husband and I quit dealing them, they were...broken, miserable people. My children, while certainly exceptional in every way, are not capable of repairing the damage in my in-laws and parents, and I wouldn't dream of subjecting my dear children to such precarious personalities.
I realize that many of you have been blind-sided by the distance between you and your offspring. I don't doubt that many of you are dealing with hurtful people, perhaps of the same ilk as my relatives. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find continued happiness through venues other than the jerks in your life. You may as well give up on the jerks. They will only cause you pain, no matter what your relation.
I hope those of you who are the jerks find happiness, too. Maybe, when you aren't reliant on your children's children for fulfillment, some of your children will begin to embrace your involvement. I hope things work out for all of you.
Thanks for letting me in on on your group.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I divorced my two daughters (C&M) father when they were 2 & 5 yrs old. He threatened to keep them from me in another country if I did not allow him custody. I did so with the full intent of regaining them in a couple years when he would be sick of them which did happen. He remarried and his wife hated them. He allowed them to be abused by her and so it was a relief when I had them back under my roof. The oldest child hit her teens and became a absolute terror and disruption to our life. She became so manipulative and deceitful and it was clear her mission was to do only what she wanted to do. She also became a terrible role model for our younger daughter which did not exhibit the same behaviours of her older sister. We soon learned by age 14 she was bi-polar. I had a second opinion conducted before putting her on medicine. After being on meds. However she became hyper-sexual and would do anything to sneak a boy in the house for sex. I went from full time to part time to try to control the household to no avail. I simply could not believe how she could lie and deceive so easily. Soon, the younger daughter was so influenced she started the same behaviours except not to the extent of her older sister. The older daughter (C) left home after a secret marriage to her fiance (A week prior to their church wedding)And still fooled everyone at their wedding. We were instructed not to attend either her graduation or her wedding (though I bought her dress. We honored her request. She estranged herself from us for several months after that. I reached out to her and we reunited. Her marriage in shambles and by then was expecting a child..our 1st grandchild. We helped her out financially as much as we could and even allowed her and her and our grandson to move back into our home. She didn't stay long and was back out sleeping with men, becoming pregnant at least once again and an abortion followed. Another pregnancy and this one almost was adopted but she changed her mind in the middle of her pregnancy.During all this time after leaving home she was off her medications.She had an unstable environment for her children. We helped her as much as possible still.
One day she got into a fight with her sister(who was also married) the day before Easter.She called me and told me not to allow her sister to come for Easter dinner or else she wouldn't come. I couldn't do that of course so after that, she has been estranged. On top of this, she has since poisoned the mind of my youngest daughter(M) against us manipulating her mind to believe they were emotionally abused, when in actuality my husband and I were the ones abused. I also believe their father had something to do with all of this as he had threatened me when I left him that he would "get me, no matter what it would take." He is a very bitter, vengeful person and I believed him when he said it. There have been lots of this and thats in the story (too long for the forum) but this is what I believe to be the the cause of the estrangement. As I know of nothing else and have given them opportunities to tell me. I have offered love and support via emails to both and now I feel like I have to leave it alone. The hurt is so deep and raw and it has been years since this all happened. I do not think I will ever see my daughters or grandchildren again. I have had to "mentally bury them alive" to survive this. I allow myself to cry every day in the shower.(people don't see or hear me in my pain) and I have had an emotional breakdown and had therapy and now take antidepressants. I am stronger than I have ever been now but the hurt is still there. I love them so much. So much that I am willing to leave them alone if this makes them happy but I wonder how happy they truly are. I would have NEVER treated my Mother this way and she was not perfect. Who is? We do the best we can with our kids. I did a good job and have nothing to feel guilty about in raising my girls. I often wonder how I would react if they wanted to become part of my life again. How could I ever trust either of them? That would always be there for me. I have long ago forgiven but forgetting has nothing to do with forgiving. I wish them only happiness and health with or without me in their lives. I have resigned myself to the fact they are gone forever so I moved to another state starting my life over. It has helped but the pain is still so real when I allow myself to think about it.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Im confused ,did the kids go to live with their father? ,with you saying you were glad when they were back under your roof .I think you are a vile peice of shite


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Your heart breaking story leaves me so sad for you. I think you have done the only thing you can logically and emotionally. I hope that time will soften the awful things that they have done. Perhaps some day they will wake up, but don't count on it. Make the most of your life and leave them behind as you seek happiness. They do not deserve your love and concern while they are so nasty and unappreciative. I will keep you in my heart and wish for better times. You and your husband deserve a good and happy life. Perhaps this will bring the pair of you closer than ever, because of what you have been through.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

"I don't want my children growing up with that kind of poison around them."

I get you and support you!

So many parents here think they have done nothing wrong, but are bashing their child's spouse right and left.

When a young couple get married they need support, not judgement.

When a couple has children, they need to feel support for their immediate family, or they will grow up feeling something is wrong with their parents and them!

So many blind selfish parents here. Do you think your children are stupid? They know what you have been thinking about them and their spouse. They know the lies you have been saying to the family.

Young families don't need the stress of controlling mean family members when they are just starting out their lives. They need support.

If you are two faced, being nice in their presence but bad mouthing behind their backs THEY KNOW! You can stop pretending you have done nothing wrong, and own up to the fact you have not been supporting them unconditionally and instead tearing them down.

As the parent, it is your job to give unconditionally, without expectation of your children doing your bidding. They are independent people, and it seems the problems always start around teenage/college age when they start to think for themselves and are not under your thumb anymore.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have read every single one of these posts on this topic and my heart goes out to you all. Like you, I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I brought up two children who now in their late 20's have cut both my husband and myself out of their lives. I recognise the familiar story of how a vulnerable young man can be manipulated and brainwashed by devious mother and her greedy daughter. I know this is what happened with my son. My daughter is like her father (my ex husband) and enjoys hurting us. Painful as it is to acknowledge that she doesn't speak to us, in many ways, the peace is a blessing. Rather than lament any further because all I'd be doing is repeating what many of you have already stated, I'd like to offer my own experience of how I have come to terms with being an estranged parent. I've even grown to enjoy my life seeing it as an opportunity to grow and do other things. Like you all, I expected to be part of a loving family, Christmas presents, Mothers Day cards, phone calls, grandchildren, etc. I have one grandchild, I am blocked from his life. You know the story.

Here's what I have learned and changed.

1. It's not my fault. I no longer beat myself up or stay awake at night wondering what I did wrong. As soon as I took a step back I could see that I have raised two very selfish and spoilt young adults. They choose to be like this though, they can change if they want. They don't want to because in many ways they enjoy thinking they are humiliating, hurting me and being in control. It's only now that I realise they have learned how to treat me so badly by watching others do the same. It's called the 'pack' instinct.

2. Do I deserve this? No. No one deserves to be treated in this way. I was a devoted, stay at home mum who gave up a lot of opportunity and made countless sacrifices so my children could have more. I was always there for them. They were loved, nurtured, well fed, clean and kept safe.

3.When do I walk away? I just did. After 10 years of the same unkind treatment, I decided that if I sought advice from a domestic abuse shelter organisation, and complained of mental cruelty, they would advise me to leave. So I have. There is no difference between cruelty dished out by an adult child, parent or partner. It's all wrong and I don't deserve it.

4. Should I continue trying, sending presents and cards in the hope of change? Are you mad? Do you seriously want anyone back who at the drop of a hat can crush you into little pieces the next time you refuse to lend money or help in other ways? It's time to value yourself. You gave up your life and dreams once and you did the best you could at being a parent. If you keep sending anything, they still have control over your heart, hopes and wishes. If you want to send something, adopt a soldier, a dog, a starving child but don't waste another penny (I'm English) on an adult child that doesn't show you love or respect.

5. Get a new life. It's very, very difficult to walk away or end all hope of ever having the family you miss come back into your life. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and ending up with the same result. But, by cutting the umbilical cord, several things happen. You stop your badly behaved child from controlling your right to happiness. You start to grow and heal. Once the healing starts, you grow much stronger and when you feel stronger, you're able to process and deal with things that once upset you. You realise that outside of being a mother, other things are waiting, rewarding things, loving things, things that make you feel much more valued. Choose to let go of your children and make all efforts to create a new life and direction. If you've been snubbed, excluded, criticised, used and abused for any length of time, you have probably developed a negative view of yourself. Make a conscious decision to free yourself and close the door on your kids until such time that you are stronger and they can see they can't keep treating you in the same way.

6. Nurture and love yourself. Care about you. I know for many of us this sounds alien. We've spent our lives giving everything to others but trust me, even if you feel abandoned, rejected, hurt and on the scrap heap, the minute you start looking after you is the time when your inner child will start to feel better. Look after you!

7. Stop trying. Make the decision NOT to take your adult children back until they can treat you with value, love, courtesy and respect. It's hard but you don't want to keep going through the pain. Set new boundaries, not for them but for you. You're not on this earth to suffer and if your kids don't value you in their lives, there's not much you can do to change it. Damage has occurred somewhere. It needs to be fixed at root level. Let time fix it. If time takes forever, no matter. Use this time to create a rewarding life for yourself. Give yourself permission to reinvent yourself, find peace and reward in things and people who value you. You are only human and you deserve love and kindness, mostly from yourself.

I hope my comments help. It's what I have come to realise over time and I have found personal happiness and reward. I still sometimes wish I had a family but my family are pretty awful so I tend to be grateful for the liberation and freedom I have in my life now and I use this freedom to do lots of things, help others, write, give time to those in need, forge ahead in a career, etc.

Most importantly, be strong and don't accept all the blame. Your adult kids are treating you badly because they don't value or respect you. Where did they learn this from??? Don't beg anything from them. Don't be walked over and don't allow yourself to feel guilty or that you've failed. Their bad behaviour is their problem and they can choose to behave differently. Things can change but you don't ever want to to go back to being in a position where your heart can be trampled on again. You're worth more than this. xxx


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Life is too short to have it muddled up by unappreciative people that do/say hurtful things. NO MORE.

Go discover a new Bike Path! Go kayaking! Art museums. Concerts. Whatever. Saunas are nice, too.

Don't waste your time and energy forcing bad people to be kind to you. It doesn't work. Just don't be around when they suddenly NEED you.

Be good to yourself and forget them. It isn't easy - but you deserve to be treated with respect. If not by them then they don't need you. Say goodbye and go have some fun

:)


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Dear Stargazer. Thank you so much! Your post brought so much comfort to me. I'm sorry that it took you knowing what I'm living to be able to help.
Today has been my 52nd birthday. For the first time ever, my adult children didnt even bother to call. I, just like you, spoiled them, showered them with love, did without in order to give what they wanted. But, since they've been grown, I've always had to not voice an opinion, accept whatever time I could see the grandkids (who love me), be at their beckon call, and pay whatever bill needed paying. Currently my oldest son is angry because I didn't answer a text on his time table. And my daughter , because I took my son's kids home with me after a party last Nov. and not her daughter. I can't do it anymore . So, for the first time, I haven't been calling, apologizing, and begging. I still have one son at home. He's 19, in college and seems to truly love me. I have turned this over to God. I always had the fear "what if something happens to one of us?" But, you're right. I can't control it all. I have to let the babies (grandkids) go, and pray that some time down the line, I will be able to hold them in my arms again. My Mama and I are building a relationship that we've never had. I was surrounded today by her, my youngest son, and friends from Church...oh and my two sisters. So, it's been a good day. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Take care:)


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have read all the posts and I hope, if needed, I can get to the stage Stargazzer has found. I also wish that estranged parents would return to this forum with good updates, given that there are any...

I am in the beginning stages and hopeful that somebody can help me find a way to stop the madness.

Two years ago my son, then 25, and his girlfriend 19 got pregnant while my son was living with me. I have never had a particularly close relationship with the GF as we never spent much time together. When I learned of the pregnancy I was in the process of moving 500 miles away. The distance was a good thing at the time...

When my grandson was born, 6 months later, I immediately traveled to see him and have either traveled to see him or paid for my son and GF to travel here every 2 months. When I moved away I was committed to going no more than 2 months w/o seeing my family. I also have a daughter, now 25. My son's GF family lives 80 miles away from them and they don't make an effort to visit...

Three months ago my son told me that he and his GF were going to split up. We talked about the logistics of it all and whether he was certain this is what he wanted. He was sure. Later that month when I returned from a vacation (my daughter too) we found that my BF, my daughter and I had been "unfriended" on Facebook by my son's GF. Later that night she sent me a scathing text telling me that I had done a poor job in raising my son, that she was no longer going to play mom to him or play house. Further saying that he worships the ground I (mom) walks on...She has also been heard saying that she can not compete with the women in my son's life. Women being his sister and me. I remained calm and waited hours to respond at which time I told her that I was proud of my son, that she had chose him, and that their relationship was their responsibility and not mine and I hoped they could figure it out. I also told her that I would always respect her as my grandson's mother. I have not spoken to her since.

My son and grandson visited two months ago and we talked again about the logistics of the breakup and what I could do to help. Everything seemed to be going down the path of a normal breakup until a month later when my son decided he didn't want to lose his family. He did a complete 360. He took on all the blame for everything that had gone wrong. I tried to explain that it takes two and though he did things wrong she did too but in the end if he wanted her back he would need to fight for her and that women want to know they are worth fighting for.

Over the next week or so he was doing everything to convince her he wanted his family back and she was giving him hope until he caught her kissing somebody else. He lost his mind and called me immediately (I happened to be in town for a funeral) to help him move out. We moved all his things that night.

Since that night he seems to be doing everything he can to sabotage our relationship. What it comes down to is that he is still trying to get her back and I believe she is making it about me. They visit too much, (4 times last year and I cover all expenses including amusement parks, etc. trying to assure they have a good time) all his vacation time was used to see me, and who knows what else.

I don't believe I have done anything wrong. I have made them and my grandson a priority. Based on some of the posts this is common and women often pull the BF/husbands away from their family. I don't understand. How am I a threat to her from 500 miles away? We don't even talk on the phone often except for during football season.

My son and I had a great relationship and like many of you it is breaking my heart, making me depressed, and keeping me up at night. The tears come unexpectedly. Seeing my grandson every couple months has given us a great bond that I am afraid could be broken forever by this craziness. At 21, is she just immature? How will she feel someday if the same happens to her? Anything I can do??? I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am completely at his mercy. I can't speak how I feel because with one wrong word he could quit speaking to me completely.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

All of these stories are tragic and so very painful. I come and go from various sites because sometimes I seek solace from knowing I'm not alone in my turmoil. At other times, It's just too painful to even think about let alone read more stories of pain. Joshua Coleman PhD recommends allowing yourself to think about it for 5 minutes a day. Then I listened to one of his webinars and after about an hour and 1/2 I was overloaded and realized it had been way over 5 minutes. He has a lot of wisdom and experience but I think in my situation that there is nothing more I can do. I email, text, leave voice mails. They're never answered. So I guess the ball is in their court. When and if they are ever mature and wise enough to recognize that nobody is perfect but parents seem to be expected to be. My younger son's character assassination of me as a person and a mother was based on either completely fabricated accusations( such as I didn't come to school events when in fact I went to almost 100%. He was the student tech director and I missed 2 shows in 3 years because of a chronic autoimmune disease, for example but the number of events I attended far out shadowed those 2 absences. The involvement is too extensive to go into like staying up until 3 am to make a costume for him that he didn't tell me about until I picked him up from school that day. Great costume it was, thank you very much. But I know you all know the story. Documentation and witness to history exist and back up what I feel was the reality. Or, statements that sound like direct quotes from my ex husband. For example, he said he didn't think I'd ever gotten over the divorce. A) it had been 12 years and trust me I had moved on and B) if that were true, why not compassion? Just exactly how would that make me a horrible person? He just either fabricates things or grossly distorts the past. The GF is a big part of this. She said terrible things about her own parents then turned on me over something extremely petty. And that was it. My son has never even been on a single date with another girl and he and this GF have been together for 4 years now. He's 21 and everyone says "oh he'll come back to you, he's still just a kid". I wish I believed that but she seems to have him brainwashed. I think these people have no idea of the heart wrenching pain of having your child abruptly cut you entirely out of their life. When you KNOW that your relationship with your child was good and that they were happy then suddenly they turn on a dime and demonize you, it's hard to fathom that there is any legitimacy to what they say. Of course I made mistakes. Parents are doomed to do so. But an abrupt 180? I am not only despairing but I am also angry. Who does he think he is meeting with me with a type written list of complaints about me that he feels warrent never speaking to me again? How dare he speak to me that way after I have loved him unconditionally, provided him with anything he needed, let him know he was loved and special and that I was proud of him and put him first in my life always mindful of his feelings. I considered it verbal and mental abuse. I am not going to beg for forgiveness for completely false accusations nor will I allow him to avoid responsibility for his own part in this. People just don't treat each other this way. As adults, although we are the parents, our children need to take responsibility for how they conduct themselves in relationships. I have never, ever had a relationship with anyone who has treated me so callously and cruelly. It's just not acceptable. I know my faults and some incidences that hurt my son but we had talked about these at the time and resolved ( I thought ) the issues and moved on. I realize now that I spoiled him and I did foster a sense of entitlement in him in a way. So I accept my responsibilities and recognize there may have been times when he experienced something in a way that was unintended. I have already apologized for any and all things I've done to hurt or anger him. But like what I read on these posts, they don't give us much in the way of tangible explanations for their anger. What this says is that they have no desire to reconcile. They are invested in whatever their position is and it seems to serve them somehow as such. So what do you do with that? My feeling is NOTHING. Nothing but wait and hope that someday they come to their senses. But that's up to them so its a waiting game. And the more posts I read on different sites the more skeptical I am that it will be anytime in the near future if at all forthcoming.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

It is so sad to read the stories of hurting parents here. I have been on both sides of the story, having put my father out to the fringes of my life and having a son who wants little to do with me.

My father cheated on my mother, gambled my family's business away and when I stepped up to the plate as a 19 year old to try to help, I bought the business with the agreement he would manage it and I would continue to work under him. Except he ran it into the ground too, and I had to file for bankruptcy and lost my work, business and home. Also in the process my grandparents lost money as I assumed my dad's old mortgage with them. But my father told them and anyone who would listen about how it was my fault the business crumbled, that I did not invoice product because I am 'forgetful' when it was him who was selling product under the table for cash or checks written to him! So this is the story the majority of the family believes and I have been estranged from grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins since that time. I did ask my grandparents" forgiveness for the money lost and they said they did forgive me. But things were never the same. My beloved grandmother passed away two years ago. I mourned alone as I was not invited to the memorial service. Let's jump ahead 20 years......

I have three children, the oldest being my son who was highly influenced by my father in his younger years. He has many of my father's values, as in money means more than people. His father and I separated 8 years ago and he holds me responsible for the break up, even though his father left us for his secretary. I am in no way saying I didn't have a role to play in the break up, but although I was the victim of adultery, I still have all the blame in my son's eyes. He has always been a difficult child to understand and to show love to, as he has always pushed me away and even as a small child, seemed to consider himself superior to me. When asked to chores, he would counter, that's woman's work! Not sure where he got that because he didn't hear it at home. When he left for college, there was a collective sigh of relief from me and his siblings as his difficult personality was wearing on us all. College seemed to mellow him out and we were all happier when we were together.

He found a nice girl at college and moved in with her 2.5 years ago, getting engaged shortly thereafter, with the plan to marry when he was done college. Since he left to live with her, his visits have grown increasingly rarer. He is one semester from graduating and they are planning a wedding. I have not been asked for any help or money or any input. I can deal with that. But I am sad that he has pulled away so completely when our relationship seemed better when he started college and we could communicate as adults.

My father is dying of cancer but all my attempts to reach out to him have been turned down. So be it. I pushed him to the fringes of my life so he could not hurt me more. I guess now that his days are numbered, he has chosen to punish me for that. My mom says I should keep trying as when he's dead, it's too late, but I don't wish to grovel for the love and attention of a man who proved he cared little for me by ruining my life years ago. You can't make people be what you want them to be. Sure, I'd like an apology after all these years but I am sure that won't happen. And I would like a better relationship with my son, but I can't force him to include me if he doesn't want to. I have apologized for the mistakes I may have made as his mom. And I have sent my dad cards telling him I am thinking of him and that I love him, but he doesn't reply. I think we all do the best we know how to do, and when we know better, we do better. I am trying. But that isn't enough I guess.....

It hurts, these broken relationships. But sometimes I think you can do nothing but let go ........


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Every posting here was read and carefully considered and a common thread surfaced in many.

You did SO much for your children, spoiled them, sacrificed yourself for them...and they got the idea that they were important and special and very much worth what was sacrificed for them...you!

Apparently, the newer style of "parenting" is being friends/equals instead of teaching them that you are the leader and there are billions of other people on this planet who are just as "special" as they are. Our "self-esteem" and reality TV "star" culture is breeding selfishness and drama-lovers in droves.

"Spoiled" is a bad thing when it comes to food, so why is it said with a giggle when talking about parenting? Both kinds are dangerous!

You gave them money when asked, sent gifts, (let the girlfriend or boyfriend move in?!) and tried to help when they made a baby or two out of wedlock. You apologized to them multiple times to get them back in your life-even when you didn't think you were a large part of the problem.

Giving too much and not expecting a solid return effort from your children throughout their lives makes you part of the problem.

My children have been told often that they don't "deserve" to have any one thing in this world--they are given what they need and a few wants on certain occasions, but must work to earn the opportunity to own something or to experience something they want. They must earn their way and contribute to our family with effort and time.

I refuse to raise entitled children who believe they are any more valuable than the next person. We love them and tell them, but my calling in life is to raise thinking, hard-working people who will maintain a healthy humble attitude in their dealings with others. If they CHOOSE to flip to such selfish behavior I will not choose to maintain contact just because we have genetics involved. I abhor manipulation and using deceitful "charm" to get what you want from people.

I do understand not all cases are alike, but a commonality seems prevalent.

Some extended family members and family friends have been extremely difficult. I have come to an understanding that they always will be. They are self-centered drama queens, lying drug abusers/alcoholics, manipulative thieves, adulterers, etc.

Their upbringing contributed to many of their choices. A common theme was an occupied or weak mother/father with an out-of-control child. One, Will, was rescued from his problems from toddlerhood through his early death because his mom didn't want to see him suffer the effects of his choices. He was a drunk (numerous DUI's; she bailed him out!) and drug addict who couldn't handle money (She gave him thousands of $) and was living in an apartment without necessary utilities.

Sounds like his mom not wanting him to suffer turned out to cause lots of suffering for Will and many people around him. It didn't make her a good mom to rescue him from his choices; quite the opposite. I watched and decided very young that it's good for kids to struggle and experience frustration and to recover from their own mistakes; with logical, decent guidance, of course.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder. Many of these difficult children sound like they are narcissistic. Some of the parents could be also. Narcissists will never truly admit fault and enjoy manipulating people.

Others didn't get to experience the satisfaction of learning to make their own way at a young age. They have no concept of having pride in their (developed) abilities and to learn how a strong work ethic is vital to healthy development.

I won't ever pretend my kids will turn out "just right" or that I'm an expert parent. I can only communicate honestly with them and guide them, then hope they recover from their mistakes without too much harm done. As long as they're decent people I'll encourage and guide them the best I can.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have just read many, many posts here. They've all helped in the fact that I'm not alone.
I'll sound like a broken record, but I also spoiled and gave my now 31 yr old daughter everything.
For the past month we've not spoken. But for the past several years we've had a roller coaster relationship. Long story, that I won't go into. We've tried many times to heal. She's been pretty cruel. And now it's been a month and we haven't spoken. She expressed jealousy over a now soon to be 4 yr old grand daughter. And, I truly feel it made her slash out at me. We used to be best friends. Would talk every day. Sometimes several times a day.
For many reasons she's been mad at me, often times exagerating the situation. I didn't know what to do, so last month I opened up to her, apologized for much that I felt wasn't all my fault. Tried to explain to her some of my actions that I did take full responsibility for. But, I guess it's too late. Or she now just needs time to process.
Looking ahead I worry that this will go on for years, and I'll never have a relationship with her or Amelia. I worry that Amelia will feel like I left her. We were very close as I watched her weekly and sometimes 2 to 3 times a week while her mom worked for 2 years.
Well, I am going to try to try really hard to move on. My hurt is so deep, and I worry and hurt daily over this, and if I think about it too long I'll cry over the deep hurt of loosing my daughter & only grand child. My son will never be able to give me one. And he's in Hawaii. In the Army. We see each other about once a year.
I'm thankful to have found this site to read what stargaze has done. I'm going to try hard to move on. But, for right now my mind says it doesn't know how to do it.
Thanks for listening. I've been told by her I'm crazy and irrational. I hope this didn't sound that way.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I have two estranged adult children one 32 the other 30.My estranged with my son has been for 3 years,the other has been for just over 3 months.That is my daughter.I have been told I am crazy and need mental help.All I can say is I am on meds for the depression that they have caused me.My doctor has told me not to talk to them,it wont do any good,and


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enough!

To all of you loving and hurting parents, and especially to stargazer003 who posted on 9/21/2012.

Like her, I am done trying and reaching out. Her 7 step no-nonsense resolution resonated so much with me! Congratulations to her and let us all join her in her conclusions and stop punishing ourselves.

Like stargazer003, for what seems forever I have tried to reach out to my only daughter, who has cut me off entirely for the past 5 1/2 years and on and off for probably as many years before that. Last time I saw her and my only granddaughter was December 2007.

I must say it all pretty much began when her husband entered her life and she was in her late twenties. She is now 41.

The last thing I did was to send her a beautiful arrangement of flowers with the most loving letter, asking her to forgive me for "all my wrong decisions." Nothing specific because the truth is I did not know, even though I had asked many times before, what it was that I did wrong.

I also asked her to please meet with me. I was not going to mention the money I let her charge to my credit card and never paid (almost 20K). I was told maybe she did not quite believe I forgave her that debt. I also assured her I was not going to show up at her doorsteps nor stalk her in any way (I had flown in from where I live and told her I was staying at a nearby hotel to make it easy for her to come and see me). I also told her that whatever decision she would make I was going to accept and no matter what, I loved her.

I received the cruelest and meanest of all texts. I finally found out what I had done wrong. I was an unforgivable evil monster who abused her, put her down, loathed her, repeatedly and for the longest period of time. She remembers I started doing this when she was 9.

The problem is that at this age, she went to live with her father and her stepmother. Long story, father kidnapped her from me by not returning her back after a Xmas visit. Father and I lived in different states.

Fought long and hard to get her back, but lost for different reasons too long to mention here.

After that she never lived with me full time. I was never able to spend any long periods of time with her; my mothering was intermittent and awkward to say the least. I tried my best to make the best of it all. She became a teenager, a young adult, and now a married woman with a child. I must say her marriage is not a happy one.

After I got this shocking text, for which she used her husband's cell phone, I wrote her an e-mail. I pointed to her that at this time she went to live with her father and stepmother, but still, "sweetheart, can you give me an example of when and how I ever did those things I did to you..."? I meant it when I said to please forgive me, but the truth is I am not asking forgiveness for what did not happen.

I let her know that I have no awareness of ever being abusive, or putting her down, much less loathing her. (Funny, because if she were to ask that of me I can give her 20 examples in 2 seconds). But still, I am going to the very extreme and leaving all avenues open for her to tell me so that I can then ask forgiveness for that specifically.

She never replied. My counselor says that the reason is there is zero legitimacy to her claims and responding to me would shed the light on this truth. I have also been told she is a borderline personality.

Well, the message I want to share with all of you is this: Enough. Like many of you, I have gone to the extreme, above and beyond what anyone else would do in a similar situation, only like a mother could do.

Like stargazer003, why are these children being so cruel? why are we being so mistreated, disrespected and abused? I do not know. All I have is theories and suppositions. What I do know is that like stargazer003 said, we do not deserve this treatment. NO ONE DOES.

So, ENOUGH!

I am also moving on and stop trying and stop sending cards and gifts. It is very sad, but life does go on. Parents are given all kinds of challenges when it comes to their children. Some have children with serious physical diseases. Some have even lost them already. Well, we have spiritually very ill children and we suffer for them like so many parents, but perhaps with less compassion or understanding from our friends and family. What can we do? Nothing.

I have been looking for a blog from these children to see what it is that is on their minds. What little I have read is very vague and not specific. Go ahead, children, speak up! And tell the world what it is that your parents did that is so unforgivable! But BE SPECIFIC. Also, if you are a parent, tell the world how you on the other hand are a PERFECT PARENT, with no flaws whatsoever.

I wonder if we (the parents) should create a new blog called: "Not perfect parents, but the best we knew how."

Enough!

I would love to create a support group for these children WHO TRULY would like healing and WHO TRULY have legitimate claims against their parents, but WHO TRULY are willing to forgive and heal relationships.

Families have been and continue to be the main nucleus/entity of society. Healthy and happy families = healthy and happy societies. EVERYONE BENEFITS. I am afraid the converse is also true.

Divided/unhappy families = divided/unhappy society.

EVERYONE MUST STEP IN. This is crazy!! Relatives, teachers, clergy people, you must all step in and help to heal this national epidemic!

And to the rest of you, I repeat, ENOUGH! Keep loving your children at a distance, in the quietness of your minds and in your holy, inner space, but most of all love yourselves and show your kids that you are done trying and the next step belongs to them, if ever they want to. If not, that is their decision, and they will have to deal with that on their own, spiritual journey. We are only here for a limited time.

Blessings to you all, and remember, ENOUGH!


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Dear stargazer003 who posted on 9/21/2012.

Thank you so much for verbalizing what I have come to learn and have to force myself daily to practice.

My only child, my daughter, has not spoken to me in over five years. The stories read may be different, but the pain is still the same. We have children who do not value or respect us. They would rather listen to some one that agrees with their bad behavior and bad decisions.

My daughter listens to her so called "friends" that love to sit around and down grade their parents. In the other ear, she listens to her father (my ex.) who loves to agree that I am a horrible person. Thirty years later, he and his mommy still holds a grudge that I left the verbally and physically abusive marriage.
So here I am the "bad guy". Like most I was shocked the day she told me to get out and called me a loser to my face. I could barely breathe it hurt so badly. I went through beating myself up asking "what did I do wrong" and "what did I do wrong to make her this this way".

Well like stargazer003, by now I have pretty much figured out that we were both to blame. I had given her too much emotionally and financially while she was growing up and on into her married life. Now she is so spoiled and feels she is “owed” my wallet, she is mad because I do not beg nor pay her for emotional support, and she is making sure I suffer by withholding the love of my precious grandbabies.

ENOUGH!!! I deserve respect and will not settle for anything less from my terribly spoil daughter.

I am in total agreement with stargazer003:
It's not “all” my fault.
I do not deserve this.
I will walk away from cruel people, even my own child.
I will give only to the people who truly appreciates my support.
I will make a new life and learn to value myself.
I will spend my time nurturing and loving myself.
I will stop trying to “fix” this broken relationship by myself. I will not take my child back until I can be treated with value, love, courtesy and respect.
I will continue to love her and my grandbabies, but I will be strong and move on with my life.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Hi:
My name is Priscilla and I needed to find a place where other parents share the pain sorrow and grief of having raised children only to lose them to another parent
who chose to spoil them and put them against me, and after ten years, all they do is ask for money. I read some of the stories here and I can relate to them all too well. I want to especially speak to the mothers.
I almost committed suicide after my took my children away.
Years spent grieving, depressed isolated abandoned by my ex and two sons.
You women are beautiful flowers that GOD made and have given your soul to love those children.
Go and make something of yourselves. Find the goodness that exhists within you.
You persevere and triumph. Your pain will not completely go away. But it can subside by telling yourself you are worthy of love and respect.
You didn't chose this path but it happend so now make the best of what happened to you.
Both my sons were taken from me by my ex husband when they were 13 and 16. They both became abusive and at one time physically assaulted me. I have only seen my older son a hand full of times in the last ten years. At age 23 and 26, they are still not allowed to have contact with me. When my younger son comes to see me, he cannot let his father know he is with me. I did not attend any special event in their lives including college graduations because my ex would not allow it.
My younger son only calls when he needs money. The re is no other purpose for my exhistance. My ex pays for everything so they sided with the parent who has the money.
How I have dealt with this is I took up dancing. For eight years now I have been dancing ballroom. When I dance, it does'n hurt.
I pray for healing of the women who have posted their stories on here and if I could meet you in person I would give you a hug truly say, I know how you fee.

This post was edited by sanborondon on Mon, Mar 17, 14 at 20:48


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I too have a similar estrangement with my adult son. So much suffering. I am looking to connect with others for support. I am a christian, and am leaning on Gods word and HIS restoring my soul and my life with my son.

I am hoping that this forum is still active. Praying that I get connected.

Still


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

I've read all the posts in this thread. I thought my pain was unique and that I was the only one who was going through my particular pain. Reading all the anguish and sadness and pain in all the posts ripped my heart for each and every one of you.

The hurt was tangible in each post, and each of you, by virtue of the fact that you are reaching out to others and are warm, articulate, caring people, do not deserve what you are going through.

Huge warmth and blessings your way from me. From another hurting mother.


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RE: parents of estranged adult children

Stargazer, thank you for your very helpful post. That was the kind of stuff I was hoping to read in the book "When Parents Hurt" instead of what I did in fact read which was just more parent blame stuff.

I am going to start implementing some of what you suggested, particularly the nurturing oneself, etc.

Thanks!


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