I have a son-in-law but don't know if he plays any role in this. My daughter's MIL (now deceased) and I didn't know each other well. We lived far apart and I never felt any inkling to get to know her better. We didn't have anything negative happen between us. However, I don't think that my daughter's MIL had any understanding of me and may have reinforced my daughter's dislike of me.

This is an unpleasant "club" to have to belong to, this one of being estranged by our kids whom we love and miss. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this club too.

The segment was so short, one or two minutes maybe. They went into nothing in depth. I have Coleman's book and it is a good book but doesn't really offer a lot of help to those who are completely estranged from their children. That first tip, "Take Responsibility", given in brief didn't strike me as helpful in many cases. Maybe it is helpful in some. I don't know. In my case, it isn't helpful. Been there, done that, and it doesn't matter.

I had been looking forward to this segment on the Today Show for a while. I am disappointed that it was so lacking in depth. It represented "crumbs". It gave a brief acknowledgement of the issue and that was it. It was very disappointing and discouraging to me that the media has so much power but uses their power with such inadequacy. There was an opportunity there and it wasn't taken.

Ginny

With in that first year they were married. And in another 10 months they had our first grandchild! Financially, things were never good from the start. He just was not getting the computer jobs. They lived with her parents most of the time. After a 1 1/2 he finally got a full time job in IT at the college. But to our surprise - ever since he moved away and got involved with the DIL family, he has become more and more estrangled. Now we are at the point that he has not talked to my husband in over a year.
We don't have their phones. We don't know were he works now. We aren't even positive of where they live. We mail things to her mother's home (where they may be living).
Occasionally they get irritated about something I may post online (we communicate via blog site) and then we will be cut off from even seeing pictures of our grandaughter. We not have the privilege again. We never have talked to them on her birthdays, or on holidays. Not Thanksgiving or Xmas of this year. It is so strange - besides being ssoooo Painful. We did not have relationshp problems that we could see before he moved . What is this all about??
I am ready to move on, being hurt so much to the point of depression every day. I am tired of this rift controlling me. I want to find a new life. We have done nothing to our son to deserve this horrible disrepectful treatment.
When his sister got married this past year. He did not even attend the wedding and made up some explanation of how they never liked each other or got along as kids!! So what?
He does not talk to her, or friends in NY or other family.
Why would a person change so much?
I do have to mention we are in ministry. Something he was also involved with for years (with youth-he loved it).
But now he claims to no longer believe and is atheist.
I know this mind change has influences. But this just came recently. Thaks for any ideas.

My daughter is 25. Shortly before her college graduation, she called me for extra money while I was talking to a doctor about my very ill mother's impending amputation. I explained to her that I would be going on an emergency trip for her grandma, that I did not think I could help as it would be very expensive. I supported my daughter's education with her dad, with monthly payments for tuition, rent, etc., so there was no issue with contribution to her education and life. She would generally accept it if I did not have extra money and carry on. This time, she became beligerant and completely lost it...yelling and going overboard with indignation...I had to get back to the doctor on the phone, so Itried to calm her, but told her that I could not talk right now and that she had to understand my mom was about to lose her leg and this was devastating for her. She hung up. End of story for months, she did not return a call, an email, ask about my mom...nothing. Then I did get invited to her graduation. I found out later that my Ex insisted and told her that she would not have a graduation if I was not invited. I was thrilled and thought this would be the changing moment...that she was just being stubborn and it would now be OK. I tried to plan a graduation party for her and realized that was not going to happen--my Ex said she wanted to be with her friends and she was still not talking to me. At the graduation, she was fine with me, friendly and warm...then as we were all leaving, I realized that there was a party somewhere else that I was not invited to...it was devastating...as this was what I had always done. Every occasion, every celebration, that was my world, to create wonderful memories and joy. MY daughter and only child's college graduation and I felt like someone being pushed out...it made no sense. My heart was ripping in pieces, as she and I had always been close, though we had our teenage issues, up until that conversation, we had been enjoying a warm relationship...I was the one she called with problems and we joked about life and shared a lot of feelings and analysis of things. We are a lot alike in that way.

After the graduation, she cashed my $500 check and I have not ever once been able to speak to her or hear one word. I leave voicemails, write emails...try every possible way to reach her heart with love. I send gifts for every occasion, tell her I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her, that I miss her and hope that soon we can resolve this. I tell her hat if I understood why, I may be able help solve what is hurting her. Nothing. It is bizarre, incomprehensible to everyone and the most heartbreaking experience of my life. At one time, I felt I could not live with the pain. I cannot ever imagine my daughter getting married, having children without me. The thought of that possibility destroys me.

What I do learn from my SIL and MIL is not comforting, she has become a rather volotile young woman with the family and seemingly quite narcissistic and at times hurtful to others. This is a young woman who was always compassionate and kind to people...I know something is wrong in her heart. She was always high spirited and stubborn, but definitely sweet in her relationships. I want to help her... I cannot sustain anger for more than a short time. She did not even ackowledge my mother's death and that completely shocked me, even though it had been 2 years, I was certain that she would reach out to at least send flowers or show her love for her grandma...nothing. That did incite some anger, but briefly. More than anything, I am convinced that she is not OK or she would not be behaving this way. She had an argument with my SIL (who I am very close to) and told her that she could rot in hell with her mother (me). My SIL is a totally sweet person and would never deserve anything like that. Who would? SHe never talked like that!!!?

I just cannot ever truly absorb this...I hide it from people as I am too embarrassed to admit that my daughter does not love me.

I do not want to live a life without her...something has to change...I love her so much and I miss her and mostly I am very worried about her. She is bright and successful in her life, but struggles with her close relationships in a way that is clearly unhealthy. I do not know how this happened so suddenly...it is a complete sad and horrific nightmare. I just want to hold her and help her.

Thank you for listening!

XOXOXOXOXOX to all and your pain.

I can say that I have become more accepting of the loss as the years have gone by. I have gone on with my life. I am busy with things that I enjoy. I still feel the pain but I accomplish other things so that I feel productive and useful. I get satisfaction and pleasure from being productive. I expect that I will always have the pain of that loss but my life does go on. She is my only child.

I do know of reconciliations that occur on occasion when the child eventually deals with their own problems. Reconciliations do happen. So there is that hope. Maybe it depends on the cause and how treatable it is. Or how willing the child is to get treatment. At this time in their lives, it is up to them to go for help if it is a treatable condition.

I am sending you and all mothers who have lost their children cyberhugs:

(((((((((((((((you & all mothers))))))))))))))

You won't have much of a relationship if your walking on egg shells and not allowed to be yourself. Perhaps you could try a few get togethers and get her at ease with you and then approach some of the reality....slowly.

I don't think any of us would want to jump head on into the 'old' relationship for fear of being hurt again anyway. If over some time you feel that things are progressing then perhaps your daughter will start opening up and look at you as more then a friend.

'Mom in pain' is certainly accurate.

anniebal

In June my son was married and my husband and I were not invited... our entire guest list was invited but we were not..
luckily for us, most of our guest list sent notes back saying that this was supposed to be a wonderful day, but that they would not consider being part of something that we were not included in... I don't think you should think of recourse, anyone that is truly important to you will know the truth. Yes, my ex husband and his parents and family became the stand ins for us.. I have spoken to my ex and his parents.. they all know what happened but they have not been included much over the last 10 yrs so I didn't expect them to not go to the wedding on my behalf.. they did however try to speak to my sons.. I should add that the son that got married has taken in the younger son.. neither speak to us anymore.. younger son was best man etc..

Please don't feel that this can never be mended because of the wedding day.. there's always a chance that you can have a relationship.. it won't be the same, but some say it can happen.

stay strong....

Sarahsmom

We've created a new forum JUST for estrangements. Please stop by --

Wait I gotta crawl back into my tent, chew some tobaccy, you know in the trailer park I live in with my unemployed husband lacking in self esteem, whose dead mother plotted against mine.

You would just die if you actually saw or knew me. (banjos playing in the background)

please go to: www.estrangedstories.ning.com
you will find the support you are looking for...

Whether or not your child has run away or threatened to do so—or you fear that she might—it’s vital that you read this article.

This child owes me nothing. At the end it is square with the house. It DID NOT ask for me, I ASKED FOR IT. I’m thirteen years into that journey. Will I have the same attitude in seven? I will tell you this. At the end of every day, when I realize that on that day I chose to work in the yard, or watch the game, or play my games, and I did not give that child my attention, my time, my heart breaks some. I am accountable.

Thank you for sharing your story. Some of my experiences are similar to yours, but in different ways. My MIL was an alcoholic and her family enablers. Most of my inlaws, especially my SIL are manipulative, controlling, and are able to convince friends and other family members that the problems have nothing to do with her or them. In other words they blame others. Her son (my SIL) is a drug addict, who started using at the age of 11. (The family minimizes it, because the substance is only marajuana). They also conviently blame his friends. My SIL goes through many successive relationships. The reasons given for her successive failed relationships are, "because she's so "pretty") and men "just won't leave her alone". The men are always framed as the source of all her problems by her relatives. She, in their eyes, is never responsible and has no responsibilities. This is a consistent, familiar pattern in the family--"everyone else is to blame", not them and not her. "Her smile is so sweet," is provided as an excuse by her father. Anyway, the consistent pattern in the family is zero responsibility and blaming others and focusing on how attractive, great and wonderful they are and there is no open communication. They twist everything around.

Anyway, I can empathize with some of your story and what I've learned is that many of the same problems are a common theme in families with problems of addiction. It is also common with people who exhibit personality disorders (maybe they have not been treated or diagnosed due to their resistance to get help). Narcissists typically do not identify themselves as such. It just isn't going to happen and they will consistently turn it all around into how it is your problem and they will seek out other people to side with them in allowing them to get their way. Manipulators are also quite skillful at using charm to convince others of their sincerity. They are also exceptional at convincing others of their innocence. They would not be able to get away with it if they were not able to exploit other people's emotions and egos. They would not gain compliance from others if their family members were not willing participants and unwilling to allow it by enabling it either.

As to what you can do, have you considered counseling and therapy for yourself? Even if the rest of the family resists it would be a starting place for you and a place for emotional support?

Have you tried finding online support groups and also support groups where you could attend meetings? If you are dealing with mental health issues there is an organization in the US called, NAMI (the national alliance on mental illness). The link is called NAMI.org. They may have information on other international groups that you could turn to for support.

"I liken it to an endless bereavement." I agree. I think a lot of people feel this way. There are periods when the feelings are more intense than others, especially around the holidays. You're grieving the loss of family and relationships and that is huge. There is a limit to what one can do, espcially because it takes more than one person in a relationship to solve a problem and problems don't go away by themselves. I know that thought isn't comforting, but one learns to live within the limits of what they can do.

Also, there is another support group called, estranged stories, which may be of help and I offered the link below.

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your grief or frustration. I also hope some of what I've written helps. Although our circumstances and situations may be different, I can empathize.

Maybe others will post with helpful ideas too.

I agree with your post and observations. It is actually quite refreshing to hear your views. One doesn't seem to encounter similar sentiments of accountability in these threads and forums.

I, too, have always believed that "the birth of a child is a sacred thing," and certainly a very long term commitment.

So is the commitment you make to your spouse. If others believe as you do, then it is not evident in what they chose to express and how they express themselves.

Seems to me there is a problem with expectations, boundaries and what a parent construes as sacrifice and what they feel that they are owed in return. Sadly, I seem to encounter more people who impose their sense of entitlement onto others. They feel they are OWED.

I agree with your observation that, "It DID NOT ask for me, I ASKED FOR IT."

You state, "I’m thirteen years into that journey. Will I have the same attitude in seven?" I hope you will still carry the same attitude in your heart.

You state, "I am accountable." I agree.

Thank you for your insightful post. If no one else appreciates it. I certainly do.

Flower