I have a son-in-law but don't know if he plays any role in this. My daughter's MIL (now deceased) and I didn't know each other well. We lived far apart and I never felt any inkling to get to know her better. We didn't have anything negative happen between us. However, I don't think that my daughter's MIL had any understanding of me and may have reinforced my daughter's dislike of me.

This is an unpleasant "club" to have to belong to, this one of being estranged by our kids whom we love and miss. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this club too.

The segment was so short, one or two minutes maybe. They went into nothing in depth. I have Coleman's book and it is a good book but doesn't really offer a lot of help to those who are completely estranged from their children. That first tip, "Take Responsibility", given in brief didn't strike me as helpful in many cases. Maybe it is helpful in some. I don't know. In my case, it isn't helpful. Been there, done that, and it doesn't matter.

I had been looking forward to this segment on the Today Show for a while. I am disappointed that it was so lacking in depth. It represented "crumbs". It gave a brief acknowledgement of the issue and that was it. It was very disappointing and discouraging to me that the media has so much power but uses their power with such inadequacy. There was an opportunity there and it wasn't taken.

Ginny

With in that first year they were married. And in another 10 months they had our first grandchild! Financially, things were never good from the start. He just was not getting the computer jobs. They lived with her parents most of the time. After a 1 1/2 he finally got a full time job in IT at the college. But to our surprise - ever since he moved away and got involved with the DIL family, he has become more and more estrangled. Now we are at the point that he has not talked to my husband in over a year.
We don't have their phones. We don't know were he works now. We aren't even positive of where they live. We mail things to her mother's home (where they may be living).
Occasionally they get irritated about something I may post online (we communicate via blog site) and then we will be cut off from even seeing pictures of our grandaughter. We not have the privilege again. We never have talked to them on her birthdays, or on holidays. Not Thanksgiving or Xmas of this year. It is so strange - besides being ssoooo Painful. We did not have relationshp problems that we could see before he moved . What is this all about??
I am ready to move on, being hurt so much to the point of depression every day. I am tired of this rift controlling me. I want to find a new life. We have done nothing to our son to deserve this horrible disrepectful treatment.
When his sister got married this past year. He did not even attend the wedding and made up some explanation of how they never liked each other or got along as kids!! So what?
He does not talk to her, or friends in NY or other family.
Why would a person change so much?
I do have to mention we are in ministry. Something he was also involved with for years (with youth-he loved it).
But now he claims to no longer believe and is atheist.
I know this mind change has influences. But this just came recently. Thaks for any ideas.

My daughter is 25. Shortly before her college graduation, she called me for extra money while I was talking to a doctor about my very ill mother's impending amputation. I explained to her that I would be going on an emergency trip for her grandma, that I did not think I could help as it would be very expensive. I supported my daughter's education with her dad, with monthly payments for tuition, rent, etc., so there was no issue with contribution to her education and life. She would generally accept it if I did not have extra money and carry on. This time, she became beligerant and completely lost it...yelling and going overboard with indignation...I had to get back to the doctor on the phone, so Itried to calm her, but told her that I could not talk right now and that she had to understand my mom was about to lose her leg and this was devastating for her. She hung up. End of story for months, she did not return a call, an email, ask about my mom...nothing. Then I did get invited to her graduation. I found out later that my Ex insisted and told her that she would not have a graduation if I was not invited. I was thrilled and thought this would be the changing moment...that she was just being stubborn and it would now be OK. I tried to plan a graduation party for her and realized that was not going to happen--my Ex said she wanted to be with her friends and she was still not talking to me. At the graduation, she was fine with me, friendly and warm...then as we were all leaving, I realized that there was a party somewhere else that I was not invited to...it was devastating...as this was what I had always done. Every occasion, every celebration, that was my world, to create wonderful memories and joy. MY daughter and only child's college graduation and I felt like someone being pushed out...it made no sense. My heart was ripping in pieces, as she and I had always been close, though we had our teenage issues, up until that conversation, we had been enjoying a warm relationship...I was the one she called with problems and we joked about life and shared a lot of feelings and analysis of things. We are a lot alike in that way.

After the graduation, she cashed my $500 check and I have not ever once been able to speak to her or hear one word. I leave voicemails, write emails...try every possible way to reach her heart with love. I send gifts for every occasion, tell her I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her, that I miss her and hope that soon we can resolve this. I tell her hat if I understood why, I may be able help solve what is hurting her. Nothing. It is bizarre, incomprehensible to everyone and the most heartbreaking experience of my life. At one time, I felt I could not live with the pain. I cannot ever imagine my daughter getting married, having children without me. The thought of that possibility destroys me.

What I do learn from my SIL and MIL is not comforting, she has become a rather volotile young woman with the family and seemingly quite narcissistic and at times hurtful to others. This is a young woman who was always compassionate and kind to people...I know something is wrong in her heart. She was always high spirited and stubborn, but definitely sweet in her relationships. I want to help her... I cannot sustain anger for more than a short time. She did not even ackowledge my mother's death and that completely shocked me, even though it had been 2 years, I was certain that she would reach out to at least send flowers or show her love for her grandma...nothing. That did incite some anger, but briefly. More than anything, I am convinced that she is not OK or she would not be behaving this way. She had an argument with my SIL (who I am very close to) and told her that she could rot in hell with her mother (me). My SIL is a totally sweet person and would never deserve anything like that. Who would? SHe never talked like that!!!?

I just cannot ever truly absorb this...I hide it from people as I am too embarrassed to admit that my daughter does not love me.

I do not want to live a life without her...something has to change...I love her so much and I miss her and mostly I am very worried about her. She is bright and successful in her life, but struggles with her close relationships in a way that is clearly unhealthy. I do not know how this happened so suddenly...it is a complete sad and horrific nightmare. I just want to hold her and help her.

Thank you for listening!

XOXOXOXOXOX to all and your pain.

I can say that I have become more accepting of the loss as the years have gone by. I have gone on with my life. I am busy with things that I enjoy. I still feel the pain but I accomplish other things so that I feel productive and useful. I get satisfaction and pleasure from being productive. I expect that I will always have the pain of that loss but my life does go on. She is my only child.

I do know of reconciliations that occur on occasion when the child eventually deals with their own problems. Reconciliations do happen. So there is that hope. Maybe it depends on the cause and how treatable it is. Or how willing the child is to get treatment. At this time in their lives, it is up to them to go for help if it is a treatable condition.

I am sending you and all mothers who have lost their children cyberhugs:

(((((((((((((((you & all mothers))))))))))))))

You won't have much of a relationship if your walking on egg shells and not allowed to be yourself. Perhaps you could try a few get togethers and get her at ease with you and then approach some of the reality....slowly.

I don't think any of us would want to jump head on into the 'old' relationship for fear of being hurt again anyway. If over some time you feel that things are progressing then perhaps your daughter will start opening up and look at you as more then a friend.

'Mom in pain' is certainly accurate.

anniebal

In June my son was married and my husband and I were not invited... our entire guest list was invited but we were not..
luckily for us, most of our guest list sent notes back saying that this was supposed to be a wonderful day, but that they would not consider being part of something that we were not included in... I don't think you should think of recourse, anyone that is truly important to you will know the truth. Yes, my ex husband and his parents and family became the stand ins for us.. I have spoken to my ex and his parents.. they all know what happened but they have not been included much over the last 10 yrs so I didn't expect them to not go to the wedding on my behalf.. they did however try to speak to my sons.. I should add that the son that got married has taken in the younger son.. neither speak to us anymore.. younger son was best man etc..

Please don't feel that this can never be mended because of the wedding day.. there's always a chance that you can have a relationship.. it won't be the same, but some say it can happen.

stay strong....

Sarahsmom

We've created a new forum JUST for estrangements. Please stop by --

Wait I gotta crawl back into my tent, chew some tobaccy, you know in the trailer park I live in with my unemployed husband lacking in self esteem, whose dead mother plotted against mine.

You would just die if you actually saw or knew me. (banjos playing in the background)

please go to: www.estrangedstories.ning.com
you will find the support you are looking for...

Do what is best for you.
Let the rest play out.
You can't solve everything.

Prayer for My Child

I come to You in J__s name and give (name of
child) to You.

I'm convinced that You alone
know what is best for him/her. You alone know
what he/she needs.

I release him/her to You
to care for and protect, and I commit myself to
pray for everything concerning him/her that I
can think of or that You put upon my heart.

Teach me how to pray and guide me in what to
pray about. Help me not to impose my own will
when I'm praying for him/her, but rather
enable me to pray that Your will be done in
his/her life.

Thank You that I can partner with You in raising
him/her and that I don't have to rely on the
world's unreliable and ever-changing methods
for child rearing, but that I can have clear
directions from Your Word and wisdom as I pray
to You for answers.

Thank You, Lord, for the precious gift of this
child. Because Your Word says that every good
gift comes from You, I know that You have
given him/her to me to care for and raise. Help
me do that.

Show me places where I continue
to hang on to him/her and enable me to release
him/her to Your protection, guidance, and
counsel.

Help me not to live in fear of possible
dangers, but in the joy and peace of knowing
that You are in control. I rely on You for
everything, and this day I trust my child to You
and release him/her into Your hands.

~By Stormie Omartian

I know there are some sad stories of loving parents who are now estranged from their daughters.

My story is not that. I was abused as a child. I will keep it at that.

When my mother's husband died last year - I wanted nothing to do with it and I did not go to the funeral. I was offended that she asked me for support. She told me years ago to stay out of her life and I have been. Again that was over 25 years ago.

So please if there is a daughter mother estrangement.. sometimes the parents brought it on themselves.

So many stories of estrangement are unique...It isn't always so black and white.

I'm providing a link to a website about Estrangement. It is current and up-to-date.

He's been through a divorce of his own since mine, and I can't even comfort or support him about that. I wasn't the best of mothers (I had depression, illness and other problems), but a lot of years have passed by and even my daughter acknowledges I am different now.

I guess I'm not surprised to learn that other parents are going through the same things. I know my son will never be whole unless he learns to forgive; but coming from me, I don't think that means anything to him. It's heartbreaking. I am trying to make a new life for myself so that his dad can be happy in his new life and not worry about me, and this estrangement from my son is holding me back, in terms of depressing me.

My siblings are older, my mother may not be around much longer and so my children are the only close family I have. I have written lots of emails (he keeps the same email address), sent messages, etc., to no avail.

As a last resort, I've written to his dad to ask if he can talk to him, and at least find out what the anger is. (I trust him to be fair.) Please pray for me that I can be reunited with my son again - for all our sakes.

It is called E-stranged and is for families that break-up.

Resolving our issues would mean she'd have to take a real long hard look at the way she has been manipulating everyone in her life for DECADES. I don't see that happening.

Sometimes there's a reason for estrangements.

If you think it a cult check out the rickross website--google it. There is information on the site about cults and from what you describe that could be the problem.

Also I included a link above in a previous comment for another website which may be of help and you may find some comfort and encouragement. I urge you to take a look at it.

FromTheHeart--

I agree with Silversword--there's a reason for estrangements.

I'm including a link to another site that deals with research and articles surrounding estrangement issues. I'll post the link below again and urge you to take a look at it.

Best of luck to you both concerning these issues.

Resolving our issues would mean she'd have to take a real long hard look at the way she has been manipulating everyone in her life for DECADES. I don't see that happening.

Sometimes there's a reason for estrangements."

Like the person who stared this thread, I bet if you asked your mother, she would say that the estrangement was unjustified and happened for no reason and that it had to be all your fault and not her's.

However, I'm not saying that I know this to be the case in the poster's experience but it is more likely than not to be the case.

As soon as I'm lucky enough to move out, I want to get the heck out of here and never come back or ever talk to my parents again but I bet they can't or won't concede that they share any of the blame for me feeling that way.

Sincerely, Nanci

There are reasons for estrangement. It doesn't just happen. Learning the reasons, or exploring the why's is not about ASSIGNING BLAME.

I've included a link here for parent's and children who may want to explore these issues in greater depth. It may be of help.

You do not have to suffer in silence or alone. Best of luck to you all.

I'm done.

My parents are mentally ill and refuse to seek help. They didn't come to my wedding, accused my boyfriend (now husband) of being an alcoholic and abuser, and my other family members will not talk to them either for similar issues of their own. My mother and father, of course, think I stopped talking to them for "no reason." I don't want my children growing up with that kind of poison around them.

I'm now trying to find ways to cope without my parents. Holidays are especially bad because I remember the good times when I was a CHILD, not the last 15 adult years which have been horrible. Any information about a support group for us adult kids would be appreciated.

Here's a website and forum that I listed earlier in the thread above. It is helpful for both sides.

For reasons I may never know,
It's from your life I'm forced to go.

And though we are apart I pray,
That things won't always be this way.

Within my heart your light burns bright,
I think of you last thing each night.

I close my eyes, and you are there,
In memories of the past we share.

You were then and will forever be,
Such a very special part of me,

That it doesn't matter where you are,
Whether it be near or far,

You'll always be My Shining Star.

Mema

Son has now married the "other woman" & has 2 children. The 1st was born before they even married. Although we were not welcome when the baby was born, we did get to see her @ about 5 months. He left the state when she was less than a year old. We learned last year that he has another son (child was 3 months old at that point).
He has NO contact with his son from the 1st marriage. We were in our son's new hometown in May of 2011. Called & arranged to take him & the wife out to dinner. Tried our best to "mend fences". They didn't bother to bring our grandchildren to the dinner. We've never seen our grandson, except in pictures. We have sent gifts to our grandchildren. They returned one; wrote nasty notes about others. The Christmas checks from 2011 have not cleared the bank...but we sent cards/checks to our granddaughter & son's wife for their birthdays, Jan 2012. Now the new DIL has requested to be my husband's "friend" on Facebook. Last time she did this was to let him know about the "new baby". She later "unfriended" him abruptly. Hope she's not just "playing games".....We took our son out of our will after his estrangement. I refuse to feel guilty over his behavior. I've finally come to the conclusion that I can't change him....and I've done nothing wrong.