Talk to your family doctor and/or your child's pediatrician. Get a referral to a family counselor whose has expertise with adolescent and step family issues.

Basically, if you have a situation where he needs help and things you've reasonably tried and which should normally work have not been effective, then it's a good time to consult and work with outside experts to get some fresh insights.

The reason to get family counseling too, and not just single out the 12 year old even though it seems like he is clearly the focus, is so that the family dynamic can be altered in such a way that your 12 year old _can_ change his patterns. Otherwise, even if he does get good therapy (counseling, cognitive behavioral, or whatever) and can change himself, the force of the family dynamic can keep things from changing... so that counseling never seems to work even when it would have been effective.

You might want to also discuss the possibility of neurological problems with his pediatrician. Try to find out if there are any diagnosable problems that would need their own special attention... ADHD/ADD, cognitive or mood disorders, learning disabilities of any kind, or anything else. If there is a probability that something of this kind is coexisting in him with the present conduct problems, then he might be better served by a child psychiatrist who has expertise with adolescents, than by a child counselor.

You can also schedule a meeting with his teacher or teachers. Ask them how they view your son's academic performance and how they view his facility or lack with social skills, and general coordination issues. Ask them for their opinions, and why they think and feel the way they do if they would be kind enough to recommend anything that could help. Teachers are usually not doctors, or counselors so the teacher may or may not be greatly helpful. But, as an adult in your child's life who has worked with him and who have opportunities to observe him, any of his teachers can be a good source of additional information you can use.

Adolescence is complicated. People want the feeling of independence and respect (parents, and children both). Parents have usually been able to 'force' it if it was not naturally forthcoming. Adolescence is a time when the children are beginning to have the developmental ability to both say, and mean 'no.' Granted, they have no experience and they can use words and phrases involving hatred, or worse. The parental tendency is to try to use what worked before 'force' and that tends to reinforce an already ugly situation when there is conflict. (Family counseling, aside from any individual work can help you learn new ways to manage family conflicts in a more communicative manner with less animosity.)

seriously, get professional support and help because although this kind of thing can be normal and helpable through counseling and learning new ways to manage stress and conflicts it can also be the case that the child has problems which require more specialized help so that he can be able to function more effectively

Think of "family counseling" as "coaching"--amygdala's right. If you've tried what you can, you may now need an outsider's eye. and an expert outsider's advice.

Parenting is a tricky job. Sometimes you sail along marvelling at how well everything is going and then, all of a sudden, a kink is thrown in. Someone starts behaving badly or being disrespectful and you have to reanalyze your technique.

You don't mention what kinds of discipline methods you've used up until now. Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. First, I would contact the teacher and develop a method of communicating directly with her on a daily basis (a journal or agenda would do for this) and be sure you use it. Share what homework needs to be done, if he's having difficulties with anything and she could do the same in return. Set aside a strict, quiet homework time. Tell him that there will be no TV, video games etc (or whatever leisure activity he prefers) until the homework is done satisfactorily. If he refuses then take the discipline one step further and bar him from any video games, computer time, TV etc.for an extended period of time. I did this with my son when he was 12 and 13 and it worked...he really was able to focus on homework when he wasn't busy mentally planning what he was going to watch after homework or what game he was going to play. You can keep this going for the rest of the school year or you can offer to let him earn back his leisure activities with well done school work and respectful behaviour. The key is to follow through for a reasonable amount of time so that he knows you mean what you say. Kids do much better when they have clear boundaries and they know that there are definite consequences when they over-step their boundaries. You want his Dad to speak with him but if you are facing the problem then you have to deal with it...with his dad's support. Try to work out rules that apply to both your home and his dad's.

You could also talk with him during a quiet period and let him know what constitutes respectful behaviour. For example: you can tell me your mad at me but you can't hit the wall. Slam your bedroom door and it will be removed. Make it clear that making fun of you is definitely out of bounds and will have consequences. Only you know what would really have an effect on him for consequences. Not being able to go out with his friends maybe or not being able to participate in an extracurricular activity.

Be firm and consistant. For awhile don't let him get away with anything. In time you will be able to ease off. If you still can't get a handle on this situation then seek help from a proffesional.

Hate to even mention this, but get him a clean bill of health while you're at it. My nephew was quite a handful at that age and now, years later he's finally been diagnised with Bi-Polar disease. Had they had him checked out then and put on the appropriate medicine (it's a chemical imbalance and med can make a huge difference), perhaps he'd have had an easier time in jr. high and high school. Sadly, his life is in the toilet--drugs, doesn't do schoolwork (or even go to school if he can help it), no future. It's rather unlikely that he'll even graduate with his class this year and I doubt that he'll be willing to put in another year in a place he hates--especially as his sister is a year behind him.

On the other hand, you're reaching the age where raising your children can be, well, a challenge no matter how you slice it. Funny thing is, if you stick with it, the lessons do get through. Just heard my 20-year-old counselling an 18 year-old fellow with some great advice and I had to smile--hey, she was listening after all!

Hang in there!