First, I'm not going to email you. If you want to see responses you will have to look here.

I don't think this is complicated at all. I would suggest that your family life is a disaster and that you should part ways. You say you've told your wife to get a divorce; why don't you file, instead? And it's not just her daughter that's causing all of this grief. Your wife is a part of it and I suspect that they would blame it all on you.

My opinion is that you all need to get away from each other.

pretty much that is true...and the worst of the worst my kids are seeing all these events

Look I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or embarrass you, but one thing that screamed to me throughout your entire post was the fact that you continually refer to the your youngest children as 'my kids'--as though their mother was nothing to do with them. That says to me, that the disfunctions in your marriage go way, way back and you participate. Most parents refer to their children as 'ours'. The fact that you don't include their mother as a parent to them in everyday speach says a lot, I fear.

From your description, you're not a functioning family--just a bunch of angry people who all live in the same house, who have little in common and who don't get along on the most basic levels. I don't think anyone here can solve your problems for you in a few paragraphs.

Not telling you what to do--certainly--but were I living in the situation you describe, I'd be making serious plans to end the marriage and start over on my own. Now, that may or may not be an option for you. Your post sounds very much as if you are from another culture. Maybe divorce and starting over isn't an option for you. Would you be able to get the family into some serious, heavy-duty counselling? Seems to me that only a really good professional would be able to even make a stab at helping you all find a ground where you can co-exist in more peace than you're currently experiencing.

10 years is such a long time to live in this stressful situation.

You are right to be concerned about the younger children, who see all this yelling and conflict. You should really think about putting them in a more harmonious situation. What does their mother think about that ? Surely she would want the best for them, and realize that their current situation is not ideal ?

I agree with azzalea, when she says it is curious that your refer to the children as "your children", but this could be the way that you express yourself.

Perhaps you could start with how YOU address the 19 year old...perhaps you could make a plan to avoid any conflict with her. You behave with dignity.

It is difficult to address all the issues here, but the starting point is the younger children's welfare and your own methods of dealing with conflict. Those are the two issue I think you should address first.

Good luck with it all, I hope that you find some helpful information here.

People will not send you emails, and it is not wise to post your email address here.

Oh, I missed that point! I did notice that you referred to the younger children as "MY" kids. But I missed that you have been married for 10 years and that they are the children of this marriage. I'm sorry; I thought they might be your children from another marriage.

I totally agree with what azzalea and popi said about that. So again, why did you tell your wife to get a divorce; can't you do it? And yes, I realize that yours is a different culture from mine.

I see things differently than others here

First I don't this you are a native English speaker. You may not have put things the way a person who has English as a first language, so I won't take any of the words to heart just the gist of what you are saying.

I can't see any mother keeping a room for her older daughter to visit occasionally while her younger daughter does not have a bedroom.

This 19 year old is a spoiled brat and her mother made her that way.It seems to me you are part of the problem. Did you try to make friends with this girl when you and her mother got together. Have you ever once stood up to your wife when she's being unreasonable. It seems to me when things get tough you walk away. That is no way to iron out differences. So your wife yells then yell right back at her. Don't use the excuse of the younger children. Living the way they are now is worse than a little yelling.

If you want peace you have to stand up to both your wife and this girl. I recognise that you are worried about losing your kids if you do initiate a divorce. A divorce may be in the offing if you do what I'm advising but it won't be initiated by you. I strongly suggest you document everything that goes on once you start standing up to them. Pictures and video don't lie.

First clear out all this girls things, don't throw them out or anything. Box them up for storage, or give them to her. Then move your younger daughter in and don't stand any nonsense about it. If your wife leaves then don't allow her back in. If you want to work things out then have her agree to have some counsilling and if you do this then you must go too. Things are never one sided and you share the blame for letting things get to this point.

I have met men (I didn't date them but have met in social circumstances) from a different culture and they refered to their kids as only theirs and in case of divorce they would take kids away from the mothers because kids are THEIRS (the fathers'). It is a scary notion but it seems to be very typical in some cultures, mother gives birth and does phsycial care of the children but they are not fully hers.

I had a friend who married a man from different culture and even though originally he didn't want to go back to his country they ended up going. Their marriage turned out to be awful, he was emotionally abusive, but she was never able to file for divorce because that would mean to lose her children. In that culture men get the kids and women get maybe little visitations or nothing. And if a woman refuses this arrangment they make her life he&& and poison the kids against her. Thsi lady used to come back home visiting her parents and cry how stuck she is. Then she just disappeared. I don't know what happened to her.

I think it could be that OP asking hsi wife to file for divorce because then he can claim that she is the one abandoning children and he will get custody. If he files it is a different story.
I am anot biggoted and was not born in the US myself but it is what it is, different cultres have different attitudes. Not good or bad just different.

Not to say OP is this way but it is very suspicious that he refers to their children as his.

Decide what makes you happy and comfortable and then act in your own best interests.

You're probably too big to fit on a dashboard any way.