I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. I can understand your sense of loss though, as I just lost my beautiful mother and friend 5 months ago at the age of 50 to a horrible auto-immune disease. At times I feel like I can get through my loss just fine and I am still the same person, then other times the loss hits me like a ton of bricks. Sad to say but I know we will be dealing with our feelings of grief for the rest of our earthly lives. If theres one thing I learned from the passing of my mom, it's that each day is a gift from God. None of us are gauranteed a tomorrow, and we need to live in the moment and live for each day. Make your life and your actions count, and be a person your son would be proud of. I know it's probably hard for you to think about the future without your son, because it's so hard for me to think about my future without my mom. I cannot imagine not having her at my wedding, seeing me have children and all the other milestones I have before me. All I know is this- take things one day at a time. One day you will be reunited with your son. He is not gone forever, just as you will not be in this earthly life forever, so the pain and sorrow can only last so long. I know he has passed much sooner than he should have, but some day we will be with our loved ones in paradise. Until then, treasure your time here with your other son's and loved ones because as we have learned, our world can turn upside down in a heartbeat, and things rarely turn out the way you thought they would. Your son knew you loved him, and he would want you to be happy. Cry when you need to and remember him always, but always keep in mind that you WILL see him again. Right now he is in heaven with my mom and they are both thankful to be in a perfect place where they can avoid misery and grief like we are dealing with now. Hang in there, and remember you are not alone. You are here for a reason and make the most of your time on earth so you can fill your son in on everything you did here when you see him in heaven someday. That's what I want to do with my mom too. Take care, Lisa

"The cat isn't fixed and he sprays everywhere." Is this what you saw (the spraying) or what you were told. I have four male cats (3 outdoor) all of whom spray whilst outside, but do NOT spray indoors. If they go in the house, they use the box like gentlemen. Sadly, IMHO, if the owner were looking for him, you would see some activity on his/her part. All of the people know of the cat, etc., but the correct number isn't on the collar? Something is rotten in Denmark. Poor cat. The distant neighbor is feeding him and in touch with the owner, yet the owner hasn't come to get his/her pet? WTH? People who own an animal then let them loose (for whatever reason) in the hopes someone else will take them in should be strung up. I would call the no-kill shelter if you're not planning to take him in. Is there really such a thing as a no-kill shelter anymore, and are there even any open spots left? We always end up taking in the ones when they show up. Pretty much how we've gotten all but 1 of our fleet over the years. This last one, "Miles" was a big project. Besides the behavioral issue toward the dogs, which we were able to overcome, he was a mess. We had to invest some $$$ to get him "house ready", neutered, shots, shaved (matted beyond belief), but he has turned into the most loyal well loved member of our gang. It has now been over a year and we are so happy we took him in. Funny thing, he is such a people cat (or I should say DH cat) as he follows DH everywhere. Shower, out to the pool, back and forth from his office to other rooms of our home. He sleeps between us on the bed every night. Love him to pieces. I hope someone with a heart takes this poor cat home and gives him the proper care. Too bad you live so far, or I'd come and get him from you. Sad that none of these people you've talked to has bothered to give this guy half a chance of a proper life.

Is there any reason you can't go back to school now...the SS is in school fulltime (except summer). Why sit home in an empty house? Finish your schooling, work, get into a social setting (office, hospital, clinic) where you'll meet friends and do lunches with co-workers. Not to be mean, but Lady you worked far too long and hard to be sitting home miserable. Sign up for exercise classes if you'd like to meet people who might be walking/running buddies. Share recipes with and start feeling good about yourself. You are special, you count and you sound quite capable of being a every social good friend. Don't waste yourself staring at walls all day. You sound so very depressed. None of my business but if you are taking something for depression that can sometimes snag your sexual interest away (as can just plain a sense of low self esteem and feeling of total despair). While you've done the counseling route, have you had a good physical (blood work, checked for diabetes, blah blah)? It is possible that you are having the hard time 'loving' the SS because of the way your new marriage started out. Kinda placing the blame of your unhappiness on the child? You didn't say you dislike him or that he's a brat child or anything...that's a postive. How do the other children feel about SS and do they all get along? While you may never 'love' the child as you do your own children, I'm not so sure that is really something to feel guilty about. You're good to him, care for his needs...maybe if you get yourself up and out of the house and find some happiness and enjoyment in life you'll find the little guy is kinda likeable. You got smacked from being an active working woman with friends and comfortable surroundings to being the outcast and living in the shadow of a deceased first wife. You felt lost, alone and having serious second thoughts and on top of it all got handed an instant 'son' and told 'here, love him'. How is your anxiety levels. You mentioned several things that could point to problems there. Actually not knowing where a store is located should not be reason enough to not go...perhaps if you really wanted to go you'd figure it out fast enough. Are you using not knowing as an excuse for hiding. Again, none of my business and you certainly do not need to clarify for us, but sometimes depression meds (if you take any) do little for anxiety. It's really all up to you. You can stay and be miserable just as things are. You can explain to husband that you no longer see a need to 'babysit' a school age child (put him in daycare during the summers)and go out and meet the world again, or you can pack up and go back to where you came from and hope you can pick your old life back up again. Your posting was one of the most honest and saddest posting I've read here in quite a while, you poured it out from your heart and I'm not sure anyone here can actually advise you...only you know what you must do and only you can find the strength to do whatever that is. I wish you all the best and hope you can somehow find yourself again.

I agree. I been looking hard for place closer to work then available at this time. As soon as I can get out of here the better. I can very easily head back to Washington State but I took on a good job here as a Strictures Technician on Boeing Aircraft for an MRO (Maintenance Repair & Overhaul) and will be making good money in the next year. Hopefully I can find a place soon enough. Shame of it is this kid has spent on many occasions time with his dad and things around here could not be better between us. We go places, laugh all the time and are pretty lined up with each other. Its what I signed on for until the evolution of her son started going down hill however, he has always been a bit of a manageable problem at times but now he stresses her out so bad shes off the rails at times. Anyway I agree with your advice which is the same advice given to me by my sisters and close friends but most importantly myself. Most recently he threatened to call the Sheriff telling them I threated to shoot him but they know of him because we have had the Sherriff here many times and we were told to file an unruly child report with the county clerk. We went there and they told us they needed to see her divorce papers and also the father would have to be on board. Well John didnt want to do it so that was that. If we were able and he acted out tge Sherriff would take the necessary actions if I had to call. The real problem I have right now and is a major part of why I need to get out of dodge asap is because of my other half and my different shifts, shes on 1st shift and Im on 2nd it leaves me home alone with the kid most if the day and he starts in, last week he got violent once again and got right in my face wanting to fight with nobody here, so I told him Im not getting into it with nobody here so Ill call the Sheriff. Well thats when he started yelling "good ill call and tell them how you just threatened to shoot me etc. Meanwhile that was his exact threat to me when he got in my face saying him and his friends will shoot me. I can wipe the streets with this kid, hes a spoiled brat who lies, steels, drugs etc and I don't want to be here alone because if some false report gets written i can and will lose my job and maybe even freedom. That day he called his mom lying as always and crying to her and she believes him. While this was going on I had his dad in the phone so he heard everything and knows how bad this kid is and so does she, then she posts on facebook " nobody threatens my kids etc" Right then I saisaid its time to move out of here fast. When ththis was happening it all stemmed from the night before when he was on drugs yelling at her and he never went toto sleep tge whole night. Anyway she wasn't answering my call when this was going on only to find out becausebecause he was on the phone with her crying about me. Then she posts thathat on facebook. So it proved that if shes not here Im getting the blame and if he did call the Sheriff she would side with him. Time to go. Two weeks ago he broke into my closet and took my riffle and started firing it off the back deck into the woods where there are houses on the other side. My nieghbor told me about that, he asked me if he was allowed and I said he is forbidden to even touch those riffles. He said yeah we didnt even know where the shots were coming from and even the road workers were ducking for cover. This a 13 year old kid whose mom grants him adult privileges, big mistake and if I get on him she takes his side. I told her about the riffle incident about a week later because I dont tell her anymore because it always gets turned around on me so I just removed all the riffles from the home. Turns she knew about it and never said anything to me. I told her you do relize if he struck anybody on the other side of those woods or anywhere, you go to prison for murder and possibly even John. In not legally responsible for this kid. Anyway this is getting to long winded, its so much longer of a story and all I can say is I dont even like coming home from work and once it gets that bad its time to leave. With all I have explained, its obvious its just not safe for me to be here any longer. God knows I put up with alot but God cant physically bear witness for me so its time to move on. Like you said she is not on my side and in the long run its only going to hurt the kid and maybe even her as time goes on and he contunes to get worse. Hes even pulled stolen credit cards fraud when he was 11 and 12 till we found out. But, never really got in any trouble. His parents are smart people to. Moms a nurse snd dads an engineer so we are not talking about uneducated people. I suggested bording or military school. I been pushing this kid to go into the Coast Guard. Two weeks ago I got special clearance at work and brought him up into the cockpits of the Boeing 767s I work on and a tour threw all the hangers and other airplanes in attempt to try and plant some seeds. Last month I aranged for him to come to NY to my Moms funeral where I have to admit he was on great behavior alone and miles away from Ohio. We stayed with very close friends of mine and he had a great time outside of my moms funeral proceedings. It was night and day. But I also had a man to man talk with him about it and he saisaid dont worry I know how to act, I laughed with him and said thats what Im worried about. Anyway once there I tried like always to show him some responsibility and arranged for him to be next to me and carry my moms coffin. He did wonderfull in NY with me and my family, I had mamany of them write to me telling me how nice he is and handsome etc. Why that all kinda changes at home is beyound me. I think he knows Mom is not around and Joe has support from his family if I get out of hand. His biggest problem is his mom doesnt engage in team work with me to reprimand him when hes out of line, instead she looks for every which way to turn t around and blame me mainly because im here or his teachers before he was kicked out of school or his dad. This is the key factor of why this kid is the way he is.