Return to the Parents Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Posted by auntdiggie (My Page) on
Mon, Dec 29, 08 at 3:31

I am at my whits end! My 18 year old brought home a 25 year old in March. I realized if I disapproved, it would push her closer to him. Her Father and I were accepting, friendly, never letting her know that quite frankly he was to old.
Flash forward, daughter due to deliver a baby anyday, he wants a DNA test (Of course) he has not spent one penny on the pregnancy and has gone to one OB Appt.
He is very controlling (loves to argue about my 'justifications and excuses'-I can never give just an explanation)
She has been having contractions all day (they dont walk off so not braxton hicks)He told her tonight that she will be staying with him until the baby is born becuse he doesnt want my opinions to influence her as to what labor is about. Labor is to be 8 hours long, will start with her 'knowing' she is in labor, and he will let her know when they need to go to the hospital. He has already packed a bag for himself and baby, she needs to pack for herself, and if she is in labor while he is at work, he will get there when his shift is over.
I am trying to be kind, patient, ect, but I seriously am worried. My daughter says she loves him, but is not 'in love, and doesnt think she will be
How do I play this game, and not lose my daughter and granddaughter in the process?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

And just how many babies has BF personally given birth to????


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Auntdiggie

Boy do I feel for you. Check out my original post on this site. I am thankful there was not a child involved.

He sounds like the ultimate nightmare. I would think that your daughter would be a nervous wreck.

If it were me I think I would consider talking to her and putting a bug in her ear. Would she like to come home to your house when she gets out of the hospital? The sooner she makes the break from him the better. Let her know that you will always be there for her and that you understand she is being controlled and will help her in anyway that you can.

I will have to think more about this one. This man scares me. I don't see an easy solution to this nor a quick one. I am so sorry that this is happening. You will be in my prayers.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Well, I had my first child 45 minutes after my water broke. I have had worse menstrual cramps than I had labor pains. I would NOT want her to be alone with him when that baby comes. SHE should be scared to death.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Im not suprised your worried,but im afraid there isnt much else you can do,your daughter Has to make her own mistakes, its part of life ,not alot you say is gonna make a difference,my bet is when her child is born,things will change alot,she has decent parents so i reckon she will want the same for her child so give it time, im sure things will be fine,her daughter will come before this guy,all you can do is be there for her when she needs you.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

You can love someone but not like them or be in love with them. Momma told me you need all to have a lasting relationship.
Does she want the baby and intend on keeping the baby? If so, I would point out that no delivery is really planned except some C Sections. For the baby's well being, she needs to be where she can go to the hospital when it's time. Waiting for his shift to get over is unacceptable unless she plans on knowing how to deliver herself.
You love friends, family, pets, favorite things, etc. He has pretty much indicated he doesn't think much of her by wanting the DNA - insinuating she sleeps around. He also has made it clear she has no choices, he is in charge.
I have 3 daughters. If she were mine, I'd tell her how much she is loved and she does matter as this is her body. I'd make it clear her well being and best interest is NOT on his list, only what he wants and is convenient for him. Loving someone is not enough for marriage or an intimate relationship. Point out she has admitted she feels she cannot be in love with him. If she has a close friend she listens to and agrees with you, I'd ask them to talk to her too.
I believe if she can look at the situation honestly, she'll walk away. Has your husband been involved in talking to her? My girls always listened to their daddy better.
Then ---- I'd rip mister jacka$$ a new one. I'd make it clear he is not controlling her life, she is not going to live with him and I will get an order where he can't come near. I would have my husband make it clear she is not a piece of his property and to back off. I'd probably say a few more things not allowed on a forum.
I sincerely hope she can see through him and stick to her feelings of not being in love with him. If he threatens you or her, I'd call the police. I don't think he'd be so arrogant then.
The best to you and I hope the baby is born healthy and looks just like her.
Lynn


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

I agree with everyone above. When the time comes and she is in labor, let her know that if need be, you will take her to the hospital, let's face it, if it is hard enough labor, she will NOT want to wait for him. Once in the hospital, let the nurses know, they will help do what is best for the mother to be. HOPEFULLY she will see the light once the baby is born, but itmay take a while, DIL has a friend who is going through similiar issues, she'll do anything to stay with her boyfriend, no matter how bad it is, so sad really.

Vickey-MN


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

the most awful fact is that he will stay in her life forever because they will share a child. why did she want a baby with him? what a moron. try to explain to her that every labor is different and it is too dangropus to sit around waiting for this creep. hope you can tlak some sense into her. although she is not a minor she is only 18.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Thank you all for your advice, prayers and support. I finally had her Daddy talk to her. BF is at home and my daughter is still here where she belongs. Her blood pressure has sky-rocketed (gee wonder why), and it looks like she will be doing what I did, in and out of labor, but hopefully not for long..
Yes, she is keeping the baby (was concieved on her Grandmothers birthday, and she found out she was pregnant a week to the day after the same Grandmother died), and hopes to 'work it out' with the Dad.
Taking your advice, I simply told her how loved she is, and that we would support whatever decisions she makes, that we are on hers and the babys side, and want them both to be happy.
He told her that he wants MD to 'take' the baby out since she is pre-toximec, he doesnt want the BABY to die.
I had her sit down and think about it, his words and what they meant.
I am Thanking God that she is here, and letting us keep an eye on her as opposed to 'someone' else.
OB poointment in the am, so maybe this will all resolve tomorrow?
Thank you gain, I am feeling very Blessed right now
Beverly


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Thank God she is with you where she belongs. I am relieved and very happy for you.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

That is very good news! I hope she does not let him talk her into anything different.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Saw OB today. DD blood pressure has dropped, so they are going to let her go to term at this point. BF 'visited' tonight, and for a change was attentive. There was no question of her leaving the house, nor him staying over here. He did ask questions regarding the toxemia, and what dangers there were, risks to baby AND DD.
Okay, who called and let him know we're onto him? LOL
My guard is so not down, thankfully, I really dont think hers is either!
I am curious as to the the change of heart ( Yes I do believe in miracles!), but also am very leery.
Have been following Believers posting, so am very cautious about being taken in.
Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers, they have helped me through last few days
Beverly


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

AuntD,
Just scrolling tonight out of boredom. Felt compelled to let you know; "It will be o.k." It doesn't matter one iota what BF thinks or if he thinks. He has access to the internet; let him learn.
I know this. With my first child, I had a C-section (27 year ago!) The first face that I saw when I woke up was my mother's. I'll never forget it. Your daughter is young and she needs your support. BF is no threat to you or your daughter or the baby. BF is not controlling; he is "misguided."

Help him. Make sure that the DNA test is done. And then, make sure that your daughter "takes him downtown" as he may need some incentive to take care of his child. Will leave him less time to get incorrect information from the net and no time to be controlling :)

I'm praying for you. :)


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

God be with you, your daughter, her child and the boyfriend... I gave my 1st child up for adoption due to a controlling abusive fiance, he has now gone back to the court saying that 3 years ago he " wasn't in his right mind" when he signed over his rights and sealed the records.my worst nightmare... he wants custody of her.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

mzdee,
I have faith that all will be 'alright'. I have to agree that he is misguided :) I just worry that at 26, he is so set in his ways that 'redirection' may not take.
He says his plan is to 'form a lasting relationship' with my daughter (Gee back in the day, that came first!) and try to form a family.
DH and I have convinced DD that if she wants to try and work it out with him, after baby is born, they should seek counseling. She is starting to really see the 'my way or highway' side of him, and not liking it.
We continue to pray.
Hollylyn, can he actually do that? That has got to be the most horrible thing in the world. Not only for you, having done the most selfless thing and giving your baby up, but for the baby and the adoptive parents. I cannot imagine that a court would actually find in his favor, would they? That is wrong on so many different levels.
You will be in my prayers, as will baby and parents. I hopefully he comes to his senses before he ruins 3 lives
Beverly


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Okay, I guess I have done it now.
DD is having a real problem with the 'itches' that come with pregnancy. I had it badly when I carried her. She was scratching her feet tonight, I stopped her and was in the process of telling her to use the heel of her hand so it did not damage the skin and release histamine (This is what I was told 18 years ago). BF interrupted and in a very condescending voice stated 'Tell me you are not really trying to teach her how to scratch, thats ridiculous' I was attempting to explain to him why. Of course, I dont know what I am talking about. I grabbed my drink and cell phone and left the room
I have been trying to 'think before I react' so I texted myself 'A**hole, 'A**hole,'A**hole,, oh did I mention he is a F***** 'A**hole,?" to look at tomorrow to see if I still was hurt/angry.
I didnt text myself. I texted him (subliminal?). Anyways, he got very angry (understandably) threw his phone at my daughter, who unfortunatly told him that he had been rude, stalked out after saying my daughter should defend him.
He sent me a text saying I scr**ed up and telling me this is another example of how my daughter has to be taught everything, and if thats what I think about him...
I apologized for hurting him (I didnt mean to) but told him that he was rude and hurtful. Now DD is getting text up the whazoo about how I am controlling, want to run her life and he will not allow me to interfer in his daughters life, period. He is telling her I will not always be there for her, when they move in together, she will have to do things on her own, ect. She told him she is only 18, and still wants her parents to be parents. This did not make him happy
Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent (Where I know it wont go to him!) and I am not really sure where I go from here. I told DD I will always be here for her, married or not. That she should carefully consider what is implied by his statements.
I want to tell him to stay the h++l out of my house until he can learn to be respectful, but if I do that, I truly fear that it will be turned around to benefit him some way.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Does this man have a family? What is their participation in this?

Have you and your husband as parents, exercised your rights to ask to meet them and to personally 'see' how they feel about thier son's choice of a life partner, of being a parent, etc.?

In Mexico these are still important behaviors that are used, and should be. You are talking about your DAUGHTER.

Then I'd let my daughter's father use his full right as the the head of HIS HOUSE and the FATHER OF HIS DAUGHTER to tell this kid that unless he behaves like a man and future father, then he will not be welcome at all, either in his house or hte baby's life.

I'd tell my husband to use the logic that just as this young man thought he was fighting for the baby's well being so was he for the fighting for his baby's (your daughter) well being.

And I'd turn the tables and MAKE HIM PROVE that he is the baby's father, so that he eat his poor dumb insulting words of having asked her for one.

See how he likes that.

If he loves her, he'll come around, if he doesn't good riddence.

Your daughter needs all the calm she could get right now. All of the bologna is going to dry up her breast milk, is that what you all want? For the baby to lose the precious nutrition that she needs, and the both of them to not bond?

Tell the joker that when he has a decent job, a family to offer for the extended family a baby deserves, a place to live, and emotional intellegence THEN he could come around.

PERIOD.

Stop this today, and start getting excited about the new grandaughter!!!!!

(is this the daugher you told me about?)


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

what was in your drink alchohol,texting yourelf,yr behavior sounds very childish to me,because we can only read your side of things im wondering if you are a controlling mother,your poor daughter must feel torn,She inst a baby,she is a woman about to become a mother let her make her own decisions.


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Hi Liz Marie, Yes, this DD is the very same :)
We have met his family, the part that lives in this state. His family seems genuinley excited about the baby, his mother says the baby should live with her out of state until he is ready to raise her. The dad (who lives 2 blocks away) is tickled pink with both DD and baby, but doesnt get along with BF.
Both his parents were shocked when they found out that he has gone to 2 OB appts, and neither of the hospital runs.

DH has always been a 'let it go', laid back person was rather upset with me for the accidental texting, and initally said this whole blow up is my fault. He had talked to BF who puts on a very different face when Daddy is around. I had DH read the text message BF sent me, then had him listen to the voice mail I received today (which was not even remotley polite). DH is no longer convinced I am the one at fault (except for that damned original text).
DH feels that BF is controlling, but just needs to grow up.
He at one point was going to ask BF to stop coming over but decided we need to all try to 'get along' because BF will be part of DD life forever.
DD decided not to put his name on birth certificate, he will have to petion the courts after he gets his DNA results.
Because she is (Hopefully) close to delivery, DH and I decided that when BF comes to check on her, visit, whatever, for the time being, I will just leave the house to keep the peace. FIL is here to make sure she is safe (BF likes to yell at her) so with me gone, tension will be reduced.
She does plan on nursing, and stress does affect it. We just honestly are not sure what DD rights are once GD gets here regarding the father. He has already threatened more than once to take custody
Tracystoke-Quite frankly, my drink was a cup of black coffee, my preferred 'drug' of choice. While texting myself does actually sound childish, it is technique I learned from the CEO of the #3 Credit Union in the US who mentored me for a few years. While at the time, writing on paper and putting in a drawer was the preferred method, with todays technology, I simply use my phone.
I went back and re-read to see if I was slanting the story in my favor. Asking for help on an inaccurate situation would help noone, least of all DD and GD. I have done alot of soul searching in the last few months, since BF first told me I am a 'control-freak'. Honestly, I have to say, I am not. I am not a perfect mother. I offer advice, sometimes when it isnt asked for, I give opinions, whether my kids like them or not. I set rules, and try to enforce them. When my kids make mistakes, sometimes the consequences really suck, but they pay them. Sometimes, so do her father and I.
When my children are at stake however, there are no boundries. When a 26 yo impregnates an 18 yo, calls her a tramp, accuses 3 different boys who have been 'brothers' to her since the age of 5 of fathering the child, criticizes her job, her friends, her AA program, her values, then begins to tell her how to make her life 'better'. I cringe. When a household that for the last 10 years has been filled with laughter and bodies of first adolecents, then teens slowly empties after his arrival until he, and his friends, are the only ones who come by, I have to wonder, am I truly the problem?


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Im sorry but is this this the same daughter you wrote about on a dfferent post about recently coming off drugs,if so i can see why you are protective of her and your grandaughter,is your daughters boyfriend on drugs too


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

No, I don't think you are the problem in the way that you are doubting yourself about (being controlling), but I do think you having a problem clearly and efficiently understanding what 'abuse' is. Just as I may have difficulty stomaching that my son is an addict just because he sporadically used on the weekends, and I want to continue believing that that isn't a junkie, I also think you do not fully understand what many forms violence can look like.

There are so many sites on the internet that you can look at that can clearly show you how abuse that isn't hitting, nevertheless IS everything that you have described. And how you can let yourself be confused into possibly believing that the problem is you, while it is occurring IN your house, I think, shows that you need to be more open to and careful of understanding emotional abuse.

I know it can be easier said than done because so many of the things this person is doing are things that many years ago were acceptable, and considered normal, because of sayings like - Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.

Well, believe me you, they can and DO hurt. They can erode and destroy a person's self confidence and sense of value more viscously and irreparably than just being slapped or pushed.

In fact those comments and insults if tolerated, will be like a welcome mat that you and your family put out, for him to move on to beating the s&h#i(t out of her once he has her in private.

You say you had to addict brothers, and I don't mean to pry or insinuate, forgive me if I overstep bounds, but is it clear to you what abuse is? Were, or are you treated so similarly that you somehow got so used to it that now it's not possible for you to know that it is wrong?

I ask, because it happened to me. I thought those kinds of comments were normal, and worse yet, romanticized them into simultaneously meaning - he loves me so much he's jealous - how cute!!!!!!!!

How's that for nuts?

Be careful this kids emotional intelligence is low, he comes from a broken home and maybe some of these behaviors were learned. It's not a good indicator either that he doesn't get along with his dad - do you know how come? A person who can alienate a parent's love (which is usually given so freely and unconditionally) will be even more capricious with somebody else.

If you are unsure about his rights, and he is threatening to ask for custody, go to the hospital today and speak with a social worker thee, and ask. If that doesn't satisfy you, ask them who you should ask those questions to, and burn up the phone.

Be informed and careful!

Hugs,

Liz Marie


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Yes, this is the same DD that is in recovery. She has been clean and sober for 22 months :).
She actually met BF at an AA convention for young people. His recovery tie is around 20 months.
I admit freely to being over-protective. I was an infertility patient for 7 1/2 years before I was Blessed with DD and the DS! The drugs unfortunatly did not relax that protectivness at all.
Liz Marie,
I understand what you are getting at. I spent most of the night last night stressed out and thinking before I finally conked out. I grew up with loving parents, but yes brothers were both physically and emotionally abusive to me. After dating a like-minded guy in HS, my DM opened my eyes and asked me what the h*** I thought I was doing! I have avoided people like that since.
I believe him to be emotionally abusive. I agree it is wrong, Period. I have even mentioned to him in the past that DD went from a confident laughing beautiful girl when they first met, to a person who doesnt have any confidence, questions herself, her family and her life. I was 'imagining' it I was told.
I think I have tried to 'justify' and wish-washed back and forth on this subject simply because there is a child involved. I didnt want to cause dissension.
I talked to DD today this evening. She is calling the hospital in the morning to talk about her options with them. We had a short heart to heart, I wanted to know if she felt I was the things he said I was. Her answer was basically, he is the one trying to control her and she does feel at this point that he is emtionally abusive and while she cares about him, I believe she realizes that she is unhappy.
Honestly, I wish they could get into therapy and somehow work this out.
Cra* shes in tears...gtg


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

(((Hugs Auntie)))

I know what you mean about wanting to justify and your trying to hope for the best because of the soon to be born grand-daughter, and just because you identify and try to get the abust to stop doesn't mean that you have to stop hoping.

I'd be pissed as all hell if my daighte went from happy to insecure because of a relationship and that wouldn't make me controlling, neither does it you.

I'd get a social worker from what ever hospital that our daughter is going to deliver in involved. I'd specifically ask the social worker if she/he could step in at any time that she felt there was inappropiate behavior displayed by the baby's father, and suggest therapy.

That should get the monkey off your back, and then you could use her cue as your justification to demand that he get it or else his visitation with the baby would be monitered by somebody.

I'd really put my foot down.

Your poor daughter, I can understand her. I don't know, maybe at this point, considering she doesn't need any stress, just tell her that she should hold off on making any major decisions regarding ignorning his behavior and taking him as he is, or breaking up with him.

Now is not the right time.

Tell her to take things one day at a time, and I'd really use the new baby as a future example to help her see things. For example, ask her - If when the baby were your age and she felt like you do right now, what would you want for her?

Hopefully her answer will give her isight into finding the courage and motivation to consider following the advice hersel that she would want for her daughter.

I know tha worked for me alot.

When I was going through tough times, I'd imagine a man treating her like her dad was treating me, and it would make me so mad that I found courage to stand up for myself and make demands that I otherwise didn't think about before or let myself care about.

I'm so glad she is going to talk to somebody at the hospital, hopefully they could refer her to or for therapy. You push too, tell her doctors that you are afraid she might get post partum depression or something with all of this stress.

Then hopefully he could also go and then them together.

How are the contractions?

Liz


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

Hi Liz,
Those are all very good suggestions. (I have to thank you-more than you know- for not blamimng me). I think the askingh her she would feel if the baby were in her place is an excellent idea. She is already talking about how she wants her daughters life to be, what hopes she has for her, so that should work out very well.
She did contact hospital today. We had her God-Fathers Moms funeral this afternoon so we havent had a chance to talk yet. Hopefully tonight.
We have family group from her rehab tonight, it is part of her self contract for sobriety (and vry important to both of us to connect with others in our situations) so hopefully we can talk on way to and from.
BF asked her to miss tonight to come watch movie on a big screen. He told her that group will always be there, and left it hanging.
Contractions are back to being irregular. She had a 13 hour stint of actual labor and then it stopped :( she did say that after funeral they started a bit more regular. fingers are crossed.
She was in tears last night because he had called and was yelling at her because she hasnt yet defended him for this last fight. He called her a closed minded b**** and said she wasnt supporting him. She hung up on him (one small step) but couldnt stop the tears.
Thank you all for the support.
God I wish my Mom were here. SHE wouldve stomped him into himself, or at least smacked me upside the head and given me the courage to do it :)


 o
RE: pregnant teen daughter controlling BF

There is no need to blame me, Auntie, it's just called empathy, :). Remember, like I said, I also have a daughter, and your thoughts and confusion are not so outlandish to not be understandable.

I'm glad you liked the suggestion on the role-playing of getting your daughter to think of hers, you could never imagine how much it worked for me, and helped me make important decisions. In fact it still does.

I hope you two were able to go to the rehab, and that she didn't cave in and go to the movies. It's such a shame that she should be in this turmoil in this state.

When I was pregnant with my daughter she came 6 weeks early, because the constant insulting, fighting, and doubting whether or not the baby were his, finally got to me. I almost lost her. I started hemmoraging from a crying attack. So please know that when I speak of the possability of her hurting her physical state withoug meaning to, I'm speaking from experience.

That's also how come I know that making any permanent decisions right now, with her emotional state, and the hormonal one is impossible.

No matter how much he tries to pick a fight, dig yuor fingernails into your palms if you have to, or concentrate on trying to curl your toes in your shoes, but don't engage. Put him off. Just tell him that given the circumstances, and his own uncertainty, and indicators of so much abuse going on you aren't willing to go into anything life determining or life long until everybody has had a chance to calm down and some serious therapy has been gone to.

And repeat it like a broken record. We'll talk later, just keep saying that....over and over.

It oughta burn his butt a little, *smirk*.

And like I said, get somebody involved, some authority figure that could maybe represent to him the sufficient authority that he might feel ashamed to display his true colors to.

Hopefully you could get the heart to heart in too. And just encourage her to stay calm and not feel pressured into making any decisions right now, because anyhow she is going to have a lot of work ahead of her nursing and caring for the baby.

Once she gets the little angel in her arms, I think her mind will clear alot, and she will understand what really is important in life.

I hope you both have a nice night's rest.

Liz Marie


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Parents Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here