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Good advice - from another posting.

Posted by popi (My Page) on
Tue, Dec 12, 06 at 1:58

* Posted by vickey__mn (My Page) on
Sat, Dec 9, 06 at 5:26

You did good Catlover. Just learned this in counseling, think of this when she does this to you.. Popi too

F ear
O bligation
G uilt

This is what happens when people are trying to push you to do what THEY want and guilt you into doing things THEIR way and you know it isn't right. They use these tactits. Fear they won't love you if you don't, Tell you it is your obligation, Then try to make you feel guilty you are not doing it. What all this does is put you into a FOG, you cannot think and you usually give in and let them have thier way, then realize later (as Popi said) I shouldn't be doing this and then get annoyed with yourself. So how do you not do this.
1. Relization that they are doing this is a BIG key. You now realize it and have a back up.
2. Do not try to reason with the person, they will keep the conversation..."I'll get back to you on that" STOPS the conversation and gives you time to think (They've had time to think of this conversation, then drop the bombshell on you...you can think of all these great comebacks later, but at the time are in a FOG..this gives you time to get out of the FOG).

3. GUILT. Ah the great GUILT trip they try to put on us. catlover that is what your DD is doing right now. Make you feel guilty "Your doing this because you really want me to do that". Two seperate issues. Yes I really wanted you to go to school, but that has nothing with me not wanting to give you $$. So her guilt is: If you loved me you'd give me money. Reality...You do love her, money has nothing to do with it. Guilt: You need to MAKE me happy Mom. Reality: No I don't. You can only make yourself happy. Make a list. What is her guilt. What is the reality. This is a wonderful tool FOR YOU. It pulls to the surface what you know. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON. Kids tend to make us not always feel that way. and 2, they can be manulipulative brats, but now we are not in a FOG and can see it. Don't argue their statements (Oh they hate that). A simple...No, I'm not doing that. Gives you so much power. No explaination necessary. (It will feel good).

And personally if my child called me a "Vindictive I3itch" or used profanity of any sort AT me, I'd say this conversation is over. I still love you but will not tolerate being called that kind of language. When you feel you can talk to me kindly you can call me again." (and they know I would do this) and I'd hang up. If you don't you give her free reign to call you that and more. If it persist, she doesn't deserve the cell phone. I think she'll keep in communication, but you have to make sure you keep those ground rules intact.

Vickey-MN


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Good advice - from another posting.

Hope you don't mind Vickey, any other good advice on parenting ?

Popi


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RE: Good advice - from another posting.

Thank you Popi.

Vickey-MN


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