My older brother (age 35) has what I guess is called "first-born child syndrome". Here’s a good description of him (from an article I found on the web):

"The other side of the coin is the compliant firstborn, ‘model children who grew up to be pleasers of others’. Compliant first borns are well known for taking it and being walked on by a world that loves to take advantage of them. They are also known for nursing their resentments quietly, and then venting with one grand explosion."

My brother is a great guy. Always willing to help people, responsible, caring, they typical "dutiful" son. But this causes problems because he carries a lot of resentment. He always feels he has to make the responsible choice, says yes even when he should say no, and has become oversensitive because of it. He has difficulty accepting apologies from people who have hurt him. He has difficulty letting things go. Also, he continues to try to do what he feels is the right thing even when he doesn’t want to, and this causes him further problems. For example, he’ll ask my parents’ advice on an important decision because he feels he should, then the next day do the exact opposite thing because he’s already made his mind up. Which is fine – he’s 35 after all! But then my parents get upset. They would rather he didn’t ask if he didn’t care for the advice. (It's not like they expect him to TAKE every piece of advice they give, but if he’s asking, they expect him to at least consider it. I think that’s fair).

I am 33, the middle child and only girl. I get along really well with everyone in my family. Our younger brother (22) came after a very big gap. He has a great relationship with me and our parents. The problem is between the two brothers. Older one resents younger one to no end, because my parents were so slack with him in comparison. I understand the frustration with that, but our younger brother is an adult now, and a good guy (a very good guy, in fact). But older brother cannot relate to him and still chides him on not having his "life figured out yet". I feel my older brother, who used to be a really fun guy growing up, is getting more and more bitter as he grows older. I feel sorry for him. I wish he could loosen up.

For anyone who can relate to this, how can I help him? My younger brother has never known the fun older brother, the one who used to sneak me into parties or cover for me when I went out with my friends. And I feel my older brother has forgotten that part of himself. In trying always to please others, he has lost a part of himself.

I don't think it's your job to help them. Other than to be respectful of any feelings that exist, be fair and kind, don't choose sides. Otherwise, they will have to grow, mature, and make their own solutions. It's not your job to identify your brother's "issues" and provide a solution. If he hasn't asked for your input, he isn't looking for it, and won't be open to it if you offer it anyway.

And I don't think it does any good to try to analyze it as a first child syndrome or anything else. Both your brothers are individuals, not a syndrome, and think, feel, and behave as only themselves.

I am a first born, and I probably have a stronger sense of resonsibility than my younger brother, and for my younger cousins. I am "supposed" to set a good example and be independent. For the most part, I do that. Some people would say that's the first-born nature in me, some would say that's the Virgo in me... it just doesn't matter. It's me, my strenth and my weakness.

From what you say, it sounds like your family has a strong foundation of love for each other. I'd bet it's strong enough to work through this naturally without pushing it.

Thanks for your advice. Maybe it isn't what I wanted to hear, but maybe it's what I needed to hear. You're right that he probably wouldn't be open to my advice since he hasn't asked for it. I guess...I am not so overly concerned about the relationship between my two brothers. I do agree that that will probably work itself out as they get older. I just wish I could get him to let go of the "responsibility burden" that he still carries around. I will make a decision and forget about it; he will make a decision and agonize over whether it was the right one (as in, the good, fair, responsible thing to do). He puts undue pressure on himself and it breaks my heart because he's such a good guy. I encourage him not to let things get to him, but it seems so ingrained now that it's hard to get through to him. I guess I am hoping to hear from other people who might feel the same as him. So I can see if there's anything I can do to help him see things differently.

You cannot change him. No one can change or 'help' someone else unless THEY recognize their own problems and WANT to change themselves.

I will say this, just in the past few months, my eyes have been opened wide. As I said, I've always been the one who everyone could count on--can't tell you how many people I've helped move, or babysat their children, or helped with home repairs, or cooked for or...... you get the picture. And for the last 12 years, I took full charge of taking care of my mother--while all my siblings were able to go on with their jobs, their everyday lives, etc and I worried, did the dr's runs, addressed health issues, etc. Well, I happen to be in the position of needing a little help right now. Asked a favor that would have take only a morning out of sis's life--she flat out refused, and then DENIED that I'd helped her move twice (I definitely did, and was even PREGNANT the move she's apparently conveniently forgotten about).

Well, no more. I've been pushed to the limit. But no one could get me to that point. Heaven knows, my poor husband has tried and tried for years to get me to stop feeling responsible for the world (or at least my family). Right now, I'm living life for me. It's my time, and I'm enjoying my newfound freedom from taking on the responsibility for the entire family. But he's not going to get to that point until HE gets there--if you get what I mean.

Just care about him, and be very careful that YOU don't fall into the trap of taking him and his help for granted.

My husband is in the exact same boat, oldest of 3 boys same ages as me and my sisters. We both share that same syndrome of having to be perfect. That being said, I think both of us are a little jealous of our younger siblings who are always able to relax, party, and evade responsibility. It also makes us bitter. We love to hang out and have a good time, but we both feel as though our siblings look at us as more parental figures than siblings, and yet we would rather be friends with them at this stage in life.

Sorry, this is turning into a vent. The reason I came across this article is because I am about ready to explode with anger and bitterness that have been building up for years and I am only 24. My relationship with my sisters means the world to me, but whenever they want to have any "fun", they only hang out with each other. They come to me when they need help with something only. I am always more than willing to help them, sacrifice for them, etc., and they don't even have the decency to call me when they are doing something fun together. Enter genuine, hardcore bitterness.

My best advice to you for your brother is treat him like you would your friends. Don't get discouraged if he is hesitant or says sarcastic bitter comments at first. He has probably written off your relationships as "never going to change", and needs a huge effort from you and your other brother. Show a real effort (could take years) to try and forge a peer relationship with him, you, and your younger brother.

If he is anyhthing like me, which, by your description we are the same person (other than he is twice my age and a male! :). Be persistant and hopefully, reap the rewards.

Hopefully this helps.

I do agree with stephanie in ga. I don't think it's your job to help them either, other than to hear both of them out and be respectful of any feelings that exist. Ditto for the suggestion to be fair and kind. I would also suggest to not choose sides. However, if you do feel that one brother may not be behaving with fairness to another I do not see a problem with making that observation, if it is framed as an observation and not a judgement. That can be tricky, but is not out of the realm of possibility. With that said, you should be aware that they may not like it or respond favorably and they may unfortunately think that you are taking sides.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your brother. So I don't know how open he is to hearing your observations. Some people do value the input and observations of others for their own personal growth. Others do not. That could be their issue and it may be also how observations are framed, especially in families where enabling is confused as loyalty.

I do agree that it's not your job to identify your brother's "issues" and provide a solution. I also agree that "If he hasn't asked for your input, he isn't looking for it, and won't be open to it if you offer it anyway." It sometimes comes down to your testing the waters and knowing what kind of relationship you do have.

I have a friend who is an older brother and he appreciates my observations. He does not view my observations as judgements and criticisms, however he is a friend and we have an open and honest style of communication. I don't have the same type of relationship with other people, who say that they want honesty, but then are angry and resentful when they hear it, no matter how lovingly I may give it. These types of people want agreement and enabling, not honesty. Any type of honesty, no matter how kind and loving would be interpreted as disloyal.

I have two older sisters who view themselves as right and me as wrong. Period. In their eyes I have no feelings and it is all about them and their truth. We have no relationship, since I have no voice around them--they cannot hear my voice, or choose not too. My feelings are invisible as it is all about them.

They both view themselves as victims of first-born syndrome or variations thereof and they have always framed me as the problem, never wasting an opportunity to let me know how much they resent me for whatever (just existing). That is their focus. And for whatever reason they cannot hear my pain, can't acknowledge it, despite my trying to be heard and dismiss my feelings. It is all about them and their resentment. That is a chronic theme with both of them--that they have poured forth their anger, hostility and resentment towards me and their perception of me as being spoiled, irresponsible or whatever. They cannot understand how hurtful their mean-spirited revelations are. They cannot see how they lack empathy. My friends do not interpret me that way at all and would never use the types of labels that they do. There is distance and estrangement. I stay away from hurtful, angry people like that for good reason. It is toxic to me.

I'm not responsible for their emotions and what they do with them. I'm not responsible for their anger and rage and how they choose to express their emotions. It is their problem and their issues. If they want me to understand them and if they desire empathy and compassion, then they need to demonstrate that to me. Relationships are a two-way street. It's seems very logical to me that one would feel a lot of distance towards people who act indifferently to one's feelings or who choose, for whatever reason, to express themselves with anger and rage. It is up to them to work on themselves and learn how to interact appropriately with others.

So, yes I agree with stephanie's observations, "Both your brothers are individuals, not a syndrome, and think, feel, and behave as only themselves."

I am a last born and I too have a very strong sense of responsibility, so I do agree with stephanie's observation, "Some people would say that's the first-born nature in me, some would say that's the Virgo in me... it just doesn't matter. It's me, my strenth and my weakness," especially with emphasis on that it just doesn't matter. It's me, my strength and my weaknesses.

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