Ya Ya, I just saw this. Even though I begged Spike to start this forum, I just haven't had the time to visit it as often as before. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your best friend. I do know that sometimes grief has a way of getting worse as time goes on. Many people think that it always gets better, but that is not always the case. Many times, it gets worse, and then better. I think at first, it is our body's defense mechanism which protects us and allows the grief and sense of loss to creep in gradually. I think we eventually get to a peak and then gradually "accept" (I don't like that word) or "surrender" as I call it, and then feel better as time goes by. I hope that you will find peace and always remember that you will see your loved ones again. Think of them as being on a long, wonderful vacation and you will meet them later on. That's what I try to do with my loss of Christin and my mom. I miss all of you at the Kitchen Table. Maybe I'll try to start visiting more often. Love, Lu Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Website

Sometimes when my skids call the house when they are with their mother, they're out of control and ridiculously silly. She is a very loose parent and allows her children to get wild then wonders why they can't calm down or listen when she says it's time for bed. We'll get to the phone and they will make silly noises, scream or just not have a normal conversation. It goes against our opinion on how children should be raised. Etiquette is huge with us. So one day when the skids were here I told them that it bothers Daddy and I that they do that....and it is disrespectful and from now on when it happens, we're just going to hang up. Sure enough when they got back to Bio-Mom's they got on the phone and were a thousand times worse with the behavior....so I hung up. The phone rang back and it was SS. He was mad that we hung up. I explained why I did it....told him it was not very nice and that his actions didn't make me feel like he wanted to talk...so why should I talk? He stayed upset.... When he came back with us, we talked about it so that he would understand it wasn't because we didn't love him or want to talk with him. He got it..... And it never happened again. In this case, my fiance supported me 100%....And any time the kids have ever said anything off color he was on them for it immediately. Your husband is being unfair....however, he probably doesn't know what the hell to do. He's caught in the middle of his woman and his daughter-a tough place to be. And no doubt, he feels guilty...every man does on some level and that makes it hard. I know my fiance dealt with that early on-the feeling of failing his children and not giving them the "life" that children deserve. I know he is over that, but it will never truly be gone. Part of that is normal....but what is abnormal is when the person is so caught up in their own problem with things that they cannot see that someone is being mistreated. The first step is to try and work that out with him. Counseling was a lifesaver for D and I.... The tendency is for each person to protect themselves and their interests...for a divorced man with children, he protects himself and the kids... D couldn't see past himself and listen to me. The therapist was a third party who could agree or disagree which allowed him to be more open-minded hearing it from someone else. Some men are not open to seeing a therapist....some men can't change.... If you love him and truly want to be with him, but know that you cannot change his way of handling things, then you definitely have EVERY right to take matters into your own hands. And you have the right to do it ANY way you would like. If I were in your shoes and I knew it was pointless to have my husband see it my way, when I see the caller ID and it's SD, I would answer...ALWAYS!!!!! Always be the one to answer-she needs to get used to that. If there is silence, say, "SD, I know it is you, I have caller ID, I find what you are doing to be rude and disrespectful, if you are having a problem, I'm here to talk about it and want to have a better relationship with you...however if you cannot show me the respect I deserve when you call by having proper phone manners, I'm going to have to hang up on you...I will not tolerate that." If she says nothing, hang up. If she calls back and does it again, hang up. And if she keeps doing it, hang up. Hang up on her every freakin time...and if her father gives you a hard time about it, hang up on him too.......or walk away if he's at home. If he takes issue with it, tell him, "you haven't supported me, so I had no choice." I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your husband...are you happy??? Do you get along? Do you ever talk about the way his children treat you? Anyway, please realize you have every RIGHT to feel this way and to do something about it. I think you also have to understand how the children feel...but it's a two way street...and they are old enough that respect and consideration should be expected!!!!!!!

First of all, thank you for your caring, for your own personal stories and for your wonderful advice. I really needed it all! I'm sure that this cold virus that's knocked me out these last 3 days is because my non-stop stress had left my immune system a bit lacking. BTW, I am so liking and needing all of your advice here, that I'm printing it ALL out to keep rereading. It's like a pick-me-up before bed and first thing in the morning after DH heads off to work. Second, Oakley, I hear you and everyone who's warned me that having DH around a lot more during the day will be a lot like having him in my way and under foot (LOL)!. Just a (kind of) funny story: Last month, instead of heading straight into his study after dinner, DH told me that we needed start getting into the retirement mode and so he was going to help me clear the table and do the dishes every evening. Ummm, ok. Next thing you now, he's telling how to do dishes "better"! I put up with it for 2 nights and then kicked him out of the kitchen! Don't get me wrong, he's the kindest, most thoughtful guy and he actually is really good at just about everything, including cooking. But, he's been the boss of his/our clinic for 37 years with no one above him and so he's just used to telling his staff and his patients what to do. I not take well to being "bossed around". He's learned this over the years, but (sigh) I see it starting up again some after he retires. To all of you who suggested not throwing him a retirement party for our close friends between Christmas and New Years, good advice. I'll wait until after. Thank you. To all who suggested hobbies: DH has been an avid golfer for almost all of his life. He is the last of his foursome to retire, so he will have that for sure. Like I mentioned, he is an excellent cook who loves it, and he does want to help cook and plan our meals. That's ok. He's good company to grocery shop with to some extent, although like most men who don't shop on a regular basis, he tends to forget and block the aisles with his cart. AND, being a doc and former pharmacist he drives me crazy sometimes reading the ingredients on every package! Anyhoo, he loves to read, and hike, and work around the house. And since we have many projects waiting for him, I'm sure he'll have plenty to do. As for me, I don't golf and don't enjoy hiking. But, I do plan to start volunteering again after the first of the year. Regarding volunteering, good idea that we should start talking about it now! With both DH and I having worked in medicine for many years, we do want to get involved in that aspect. I did MUCH volunteer work at my kids' school over the years and am thinking about that again. Another opportunity may be with Habitat for Humanity, which one of our good friends is involved in. For DH, as although I love to decorate, I don't like sawing, hammering, etc., and absolutely hate painting. Also, I've just learned that one of my neighbors is involved in gathering and distributing home goods for foster kids who have timed out of the system/program. She and others help set them up in their own places with furnishings and utensils, etc. That would be right up my alley! Regarding becoming couch potatoes versus keeping in shape, we have an Elliptical, Body Blade, weights and a Bowflex here and are planning on turning one of our guest rooms into a workout room right after Christmas. I'd also like to join a gym, for swimming, which I love. DH is slender and in great shape, but sinks like a rock in the water, so he’s not interested in swimming for exercise (LOL)! And, neither one of us is much into watching tv series, etc. We do love watching the news every morning and evening, but some golf, college football (we're BIG Sooner fans!), some History Channel and (for me) some HGTV is pretty much it. My darn keyboard is acting up. It keeps missing letters and freezing up! I don’t want to lose what I’ve already written, and so I’ll post this and go on from here.

Okay, there's the plan then there's the reality. I can't do it. Without the kids, without the old folks, without anyone in the house who really cares, I can't do it. I don't have issues with the bread of affliction, but I can't do the bread of sadness. No matter how stressful Pesach can be, it's usually full of joy. Making up new recipes with the restrictions is fun. Even cleaning has its satisfaction. I was too sick (not virus) to organize a thorough cleaning. We couldn't even do the tiny gathering I'd planned because none of us is 100% no contacts. I miss the three dozen immediate family and all the dishes and vegetables and flowers. I'm okay with thinking about the holiday. I've edited two Haggadot, so I really don't need to read it without the kids taking their turns and the old folks sharing their glasses. I offered to read it over the phone, for those who didn't have their own copies, but no one else was into it either. I just can't bring myself to do the cooking or even eat the matzah. It's too sad. I can deal with no holiday much better. And the self proclaimed "wicked son" is just glad I'm not making him help. :) So, we skipped Purim, and we're mostly skipping Pesach. I was putting away the dent corn I'd ordered from a farm, yesterday, and had to finish it in the evening. It felt weird! The flour can wait where it is. That's my Pesach observance this year....