Congrats to the new parents and I wish them and the new baby boy well.

I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

hurtdaughter, I think counseling would be a good option for you. Find a licensed clinical social worker or psychologist or ask your doctor to recommend one. I think it would be the best investment you will ever make--investing in yourself, your children and husband/marriage. Why some people are reluctant to take this step is a mystery to me--for so many it would be the wisest decision they could make. It sounds like your mother could have a personality disorder (you could research these online). She does't sound emotionally well. She did you and your brothers a great disservice by creating this situation. A similar situaiton probably existed in her family of origin. I would also urge you to start doing some deep research. There are some great books, even one about overcoming toxic parents and their legacy--the author is susan forward. You can check it out on Amazon.com and look at the editorial reviews. Your mother's parenting style was/is a reflection of how she was raised, whether you are aware of this or not. Unfortunately she acted out her own issues with her parents on her children. Parents learn their style of parenting from their parents--this is what happens and the cycle repeats itself with each generation, despite people's best intentions. If you feel breaking off communication is a healthier step for you to take in the present--to get yourself emotionally healthy, then do so. It does't have to be a permanent situation. Eventually, you may want to re-establish communication. In the meantime, research, read, learn and then when you are ready try to take what you've learned and take steps to reconnect. I understand your desire to protect your daughter, however I believe that children are far more preceptive than what adults give them credit for. I wouldn't deceive your daughter as that could pose problems down the road. That is another reason why I suggest talking to a professional. Best of luck to you with this situation.

My mother's friends called me her 'hot house flower'. They thought she pampered me too much. I was an 'only' and she almost lost me. When I was less than three weeks old I was operated on for pyloric stenosis: valve into the stomach constricts so no food can go in; projectile vomiting is the symptom. (This is my ugliest scar -- all down my middle -- no two-piece bathing suits for me!) I've been told they didn't give infants ether then -- only a whiskey-soaked rag to suck. I had all the usual childhood diseases. Measles was no big deal, but I had a terrible case of chicken pox with high fever; I couldn't walk. Still have a dime-sized scar on the side of one knee. You can get mumps in all three sets of glands in your neck; guess how I know that! Avoided the dreaded polio but had classmates who were cripled by it. The general 'cure' for sore throats was to have your tonsils removed; I did. School required vaccinations, so I had those. I remember our doctor making house calls. It probably limited contagion -- one reason I dislike seeing the doctor is mingling with all those sick people in a waiting room! I loved my first pediatrician. She kept a pair of Kerry Blue dogs in her office! They slept under her desk.