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Someone please help me...

Posted by teardrops (My Page) on
Fri, Oct 3, 08 at 12:56

I am so confused right now and so very afraid.

I just kicked my 16yr old out of my house! What kind of mother am I? Am I too uptight and stressed out, as he continuously tells me? Or do I just expect too much from him? He can be such a good kid at times and yet when I least expect it, he totaly shocks me with the things he does! It's almost as if he's playing with my head. Why?! I love him so but I'm barely holding on here.

He's a very smart kid but his grades are shocking (last year). Two days into the new school year, he was already in trouble - had in school detention. I practically hold my breath till around 2 in the afternoon anticipating yet another ugly call from his guidance coucelor. Those calls come in anywhere from 2 to 3 per week.
Curfew? At times, he is very good at keeping them - other times? He'll tell me straight out that he doesn't want to come home now, that he'll be home "later".
He will very quietly do exactly what he wants and there's nothing anyone can do to stop him.

My breaking point happened this morning on my way to work. I notice 3 of his friends walking towards my house. I followed them back home and it turns out that my wonderful son had 8 KIDS!! hanging around my kitchen. How many times have I talked, begged, negotiated, threatened, bribed my son not to have people in the house when no adult is around? Sadly, way too many times...I completely lost it and kicked everyone out INCLUDING him. I also did the unthinkable by calling my fiance and telling what had happened. The poor man is so frustrated with this kid, it breaks my heart for I love them both dearly.
I also involved his father, whom I haven't talked to in years and who does not have a good relationship with either of his kds. What exactly was I hoping for? I'm not sure, I guess I was hoping the man would offer to take over for a while.

I know my kid enough to know that he will not be home tonight...and I feel like dying - God help me.

Someone, please tell me what to do for I am a lousy mother - God help my son.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Someone please help me...

Oh teardrops, you aren't a lousy mother. I'm so sorry you're having issues!

You probably are too stressed out and uptight! You're going through really tough times.

Stay strong. Stick to your guns. Let him know if he wants to live under your roof there are rules. If not, he will have to go live with a foster family. If he thinks life is strict and bad now, wait until he gets a taste of the system.


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RE: Someone please help me...

You did exactly the right thing:
You put your foot down & stopped letting this boy/man get away with running over you.

Before this episode, your son didn't figure he had to listen to anything you said;
he thought that *no matter what you say, you won't follow through*.

If you hadn't put a stop to it, your son would have 8 kids in your house *today*, & when you got home, things would be trashed or missing.

Tomorrow it would be worse.

Next week it would be worse.

Within the year, your house would have been burglarized, the police would have your number on speed dial, your son would likely be in jail (unless you bailed him out).


At some point, your son or one of his friends would have beaten you up & stolen your car.

Stay strong, take care of yourself.


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RE: Someone please help me...

At some point, your son or one of his friends would have beaten you up & stolen your car.

LOL Wow! That's negative. But you do hear it happening.

I have two stories for you, both about my nephews.

Nephew #1

At 16, he told his mom (my SIL) that now that he's 16, he should be able to do what he wants, when he wants. If not, he would leave. She said no way. My rules are my rules. If you don't like them and leave, that's your decision. He grabbed his bag and left. My SIL was concerned and upset throughout the night, but she knew she did the right thing. She was outside in the yard the next day. Who should happen to walk down the driveway that morning? (they lived on a farm) My nephew. It happened that he slept in a car last night and decided that he had nowhere to go and home was better. He asked his Mom if he could come back. She asked if he was ready to live by her rules, and he said yes.

Nephew #2

Now, he's a terror and was digging my sister's grave (his Mom)!! At 21, he's still digging. At 16, he was hardly ever attending high school. In 3 years, he got 3 credits. He'd get into fights, smoke pot, and drink. His bedroom was in the basement and he'd have friends over to drink. Even his girlfriend would sleep down there all weekend. The day that my sister, his Mom, told him that there's no more girlfriend sleeping down there, he got in her face (the girlfriend was there too). My sister said that she got scared of him at that point. She thought he'd punch her. He has a history of breaking and punching things when he's angry. His parents are divorced and his Dad is not there for him and never was there for him. He's a drinker too. Not a very good role model. Anyways, that's when my sister kicked him out. He was sort of shocked, but he left. She felt bad and scared, but she'd had enough.

He ended up living with his girlfriend. Long story short, they have a 2 year old son now. They're together, then apart. He gets jealous, she calls the cops. He leaves town to go live with Dad, and just now returned home and is living with his ex-girlfriend although they're not supposed to be together by law (restraining order).

My newphew is so screwed up. Why? Because his parents are both screwed up. (excuse my language). My sister yells all the time. She once asked her son why he smoked pot. He said because it takes the pain away. She never bothered to ask him about his pain. Well, my sister is another story.

IMO, you did the right thing. He'll come back. They always do! You nipped it in the bud before it got a chance to get out of control.

FYI, at one point, my sister got a house alarm. When her son had several friends over, she set it off to let his friends know about it in case they get any ideas. She never had a problem with them.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up about not being a good Mom. You are a good Mom because you CARE. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have done what you did. He'll realize this soon enough.


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When he returns

Forgot to mention....

When he returns, or asks if he can come back, it's important that you let him know that he can't just "leave" whenever he doesn't get his own way and come back a few days later. A friend had a son who would "run away" by provoking a fight with his parents if he couldn't go to a party. They'd argue and he'd leave the house. He'd go to the party and come back home 2 days later, apologizing, etc. His parents finally caught on after the third time. That's when they warned him that the next time he "runs away" when they argue, he'd better take his clothes and find somewhere permanent to stay. The locks would be changed. The son changed his tune.


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RE: Someone please help me...

My girlfriend went through some really rough times with her daughter when the DD was a teen. She contacted the police and found out what her options were. I would suggest that. You are responsible for him until he is 18 aren't you? I would want to know what my rights are in the legal system and what it would take to have him removed from the home legally and placed some where.

I don't think you should put up with any of the things that you have stated but I would be talking to someone that could inform me of my options. You want to have records of these problems. It could come in handy in the future.

I believe that my girlfriend was told that her DD had to have so many run ins with the law before they would put her in a group home. She was taken in for psychiatric evaluation and it was suggested that she be placed in a group home for treatment and counseling.

I feel for you and hope for the best. This kind of stress can really hurt you. My friend ended up in the hospital with high blood pressure so high they thought that she was going to have a stroke or heart attack. I guess I can't stress enough that you can't do this on your own. Get some help.


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RE: Someone please help me...

Here in Ontario, you can leave home at 16 and there's nothing your parents can do about it.


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RE: Someone please help me...

I went through some really bad times with my some when he was 17. Legally, in the state I was living in I was responsible for him until he turned 18...so you may want to cehck the law. It sounds like he is pushing you that's for sure. What to do?
I don't have all of the answers, but I have some ideas that worked for him and I.
First of all I reminded him how long it was (almost daily) before he turned 18 and wanted to know his plans. Because legally and I am sure best for him he needed to realize that at that point he was going to legally (jail time-whatever) be the one in trouble that I could not and would not bail him out of. It did break my heart. I even suggested him talking to a recruiter about enlisting...Dreadful...but I needed to "shock him into accepting responsibility for his behavior. I also went looking for him when he ran away. Not in the best part of town and I found him...and never in a good situation. But he did "need me" for food, shelter, a car, and so on. So basically I explained to him that every time he did not follow the rules I would be taking away something of importance to him. In fact the time he ran away, I sold his car.
Bottom line, I stayed on his case until he grew up enough to see what he was heading for and he changed. If you can't "make" him come home, but know whee he is the police can pick him up and whoever home is staying at can be charged with "harboring a runaway." Usually that just takes once. Be firm, but if I were you (actually as I stated above I did) go find him and bring him home. He can either come home peacefully with you or you can call the police and he can spend the night in a juvenile detention center...Which I know would also break your heart but you would know he is safe and where he is-plus he would know you are going to enforce your rules. That actually gives teens security which appears like the last thing they want but I really do think it shows them you love them.Good Luck- II know how this hurts, and how difficult it is to do this by yourself. BUT- he will end up respecting you and knowing you keep your word.
Take care.


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RE: Someone please help me...

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. As sad as it is to hear how common this sort of problem is with other families, I now have a sense of peace over me knowing that if others can deal with it, so can I - God willing.

It is sheer torture when you go through something like this with not a soul next to you to talk some common sense.

I finally calmed down enough to call the local police department asking for some guidance. Bottom line - he's only 16 and considered a minor so no matter what happens I am responsible for him. It was suggested that I file a police report (for having unwanted people in my home) and if he did not come home that night, I would then proceed to report him as missing.
However, the officer (bless his heart) was kind enough to referred me to our local family crisis intervention program. The pain is my heart is no longer as sharp for I sincerely think serious and effective help is on the horizon.

I took my son to meet the counselor that same day and he turned out to be a very wise and approchable street-wise man. I could not only see but FEEL how much my son connected with him. Wishful thinking? I pray not.

After nearly three hours of non-stop talking and answering questions, I walked out of there knowing more things about my son than I ever did in all his 16 years put together. How sad is that?
I was told that my son is an awesome kid and that whatever problem he has is not so deep ingrained in him that cannot be repaired. He has been messing with weed since the age of 13. Alcohol has also been in the picture, but, thank God, was decided it "wasn't for him" because it made him feel horrible. Cocaine and all sorts of pills have also been offered to him (mostly in school!) but he claims that to be "crazy stuff" and wants no part of it. Claiming every living body that gives him the time of day as his "new best friend" is smply a way to fill in the void I left when my fiance came into the picture. He feels utterly confused because though he's happy that I'm finally happy with a good man in my life, he also feel neglected and cast aside.

How could I not see this? Or did I just refused to see it? At times he is so wise beyond his age that I get speechless. I've seen him trying to talk sense into some of his friends and he sounds like a darn preacher! So what is the problem here?! I don't know but I'll try my hardest to get to the bottom of it all. He will be going for drug testing and treatment as soon as next week. His counselor will be in touch with his school every week to check his progress and attendance. We will both be going for counceling together and individualy.

My son needs help. I'd like to think that in his own way, he gave me a swift kick in the butt to get moving and help him. That's how I choose to look at this nightmare. I have faith that the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel will someday appear.

Right now? This early Saturday morning? I peeked into his room and caught him reading "Chicken Soup for the Teeanger".
Be still my heart...



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RE: Someone please help me...

Claiming every living body that gives him the time of day as his "new best friend" is smply a way to fill in the void I left when my fiance came into the picture. He feels utterly confused because though he's happy that I'm finally happy with a good man in my life, he also feel neglected and cast aside.

IMO, since this man is your fiance, he will be in your lives for a long time so all THREE of you will have to spend time as a FAMILY so that your son won't feel neglected and cast aside. It will give your son and fiance a chance to bond, hopefully. It would also show your son that he IS a part of your union and that there's room for your fiance in your relationship.

You mentioned counselling. After you've been in counselling awhile, wouldn't it be beneficial for your fiance to be included with your session so he can help you with this? So he doesn't unintentionally undo the good that will happen. It would be easier for all of you.

I'm glad to hear that things are coming around before it got too out-of-hand.

Good luck!


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RE: Someone please help me...

negative, no, just expressive.

If you don't believe it, re-read your own examples.

Teardrops, please be careful & be cautious.

Your 2 posts are exact opposites:
in the first one, your son is out of control & unstable & you can't do anything with him.

In the second one, he's "wise" & "like a preacher"...

& his problem is that you've left him in the lurch by acquiring a fiance.

so evidently the message is that, if you'd just get rid of the fiance, your son would be happy.

which sounds blatantly manipulative;
it sounds exactly like what people do when they want to isolate someone from other people to they can control them.

& your bedazzlement is based on *one* counselling session, during which the counsellor evidently reported to you as fact things that he cannot know as fact (cocaine was offered but refused, etc).

Please be very careful, & get your fiance involved & consider his perspective.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Someone please help me...

teardrops - Several times I started to respond but then changed my mind and deleted it. You see, I am having a similar problem with my 16/yo daughter. IMO, it can be very tricky business when dealing with teenagers. My biggest fear is alienating DD to the point where we will become estranged once she reaches 18 and can legally leave home.

I don't know where you live, but I would assume you have a juvenile justice or some equal division that you could contact. It's possible you could have him put on a diversion contract where he would have to attend weekly counseling, drug test and work with some type of mentoring program. All this can be done without your son having to face a judge.... if he voluntarily participates in the programs that would be suggested by a probation officer.

This has worked to some extent for us, because DD has someone besides her father and I that she has to answer to. PO's and counselors can not be manipulated and don't back down due to weariness or emotional blackmail.

This is a 3 month plan that they put into place for DD and her record will be cleared when she finishes the program. However, she is not happy with the mentoring part and should she decide not to participate, she would be given another 3 months to comply. I would not be unhappy if she was given another 3 months as she would have to continue with counseling... something she desperately needs.

You need to take the necessary steps for your son because in another year or so, he could be lost to you. You will have no recourse after he turns 18. I'm glad you have some hope that things will resolve themselves, but don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. No one, especially teenagers, make a complete turnaround over night.

Here's my story, if you are interested...
I forgot how to create a clinkable link.. sorry

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/parents/msg0714131625284.html?15


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