I have a 17 month old. She doesn't seem to understand what I am telling her when I tell her she can't do something or have something if she keeps crying. So she keeps crying and she never gets it. Then when it's time for her to eat she is so mad at me that she just takes her food and throws it on the floor and refuses to eat it. I don't know what to do. We don't want to spank her because we feel that is wrong and a way of teaching her to hit. Giving her a time out doesn't seem to work. Putting her in bed definetly doesn't work because she broke it from shaking it so hard. The screws fell out and won't go back in. She will cry so hard she can't breathe and so I give in to her. I don't know what to do. I want to remain calm so she doesn't learn that acting out is normal. How do I do that and teach her what she should be doing? At least she says thank you when you hand her something. =) And we recently have been working on please...but that's touchy cause she usually throws a fit if she doesn't get what she wants and by the time you give it to her she just hits it out of your hand. She's got a temper that little one.

""I know I over reacted about the "nerf" but if I didn't stick up for the 9 yr old the 11 yr old will "bully" him forever" I really don't think you overreacted . I don't allow my kids to play with guns or weapons period-just because there is only one way of playing with them. Since these kids are already bombarded with so much violence in the media, as soon as they have a toy weapon in their hand they almost always play out what theyve seen on TV. So I just avoid them altogether. Even if someone buys them as a gift...I let them know they are not "allowed" to play with weapons. If they ask why, I tell them because I think they promote violence =) (then they look at me as if I were from another planet) One time my MIL brought by a bag full of toys that had been at her house. As soon as they dumped the bag on the floor, I picked up all the weapons and put them in the trash. I know its a little complicated because Bio-mom got them, but if one of them gets hurt, she'd turn around and say you should have been "watching them" or something...Don't beat yourself up for having done what you did. You did the right thing.! There is nothing more damaging to a child that to have to endure being bullied by an older sibling. He needed someone to protect him, and you did. I just finished reading a book on sibling abuse, it discusses all the different kinds of abuse. These children grow up feeling completely powerless and resent their parents for not "protecting them" from the older sibling. If you've seen him displaying "bullying" behaviors towards his younger brother before, please keep a close eye on him whenever he is around his little brother. Does his little bro act as if he is scared of him? I mean I understand that he really must have had a horrible day at his mom's and came home feeling frustrated, confused, and angry. I am sure his younger brother was also feeling conflicted. He couldn't express those feelings verbally so he came home and hurt his brother then laughed. Then he proceeded to become argumentative, blame his bro for getting in the way, refused to take responsibility for his actions and disrespected you. Now he is saying: "Are you trying to drive me away.... your going to leave anyway"- you are feeling so sorry for him now. Even guilty for not seeing it coming...So does this mean that he doesnÂt have "any" consequences for his actions? If you and your DH start letting him get away with these behaviors because you start "feeling sorry for him", you are going to have a long, rough road ahead with him. And he will know that "all he has to do" is pull on your heart strings to get over on you guys, and make you feel guilty for punishing him. It sounds like manipulation at its best to me. In effect he is "blaming you" for his behavior that day. Still refusing to take responsibility for his actions. Did he get any privileges taken away or consequences for his behavior that day? My eldest use to pull this kind of thing all the time. I really didnÂt know how smart he was at the time. At first I really felt sorry for him, sad, and even guilty for "not seeing it" like you, on "certain days" so I can totally relate. He would assault his siblings, refuse to take responsibility, blame them for "provoking him", and then follow me around, arguing his innocence, and try to get me to "engage", he wouldnÂt stopÂ.just kept testing me, pushing me to my limitsÂ.if I wouldnÂt give in and totally ignore him, then he would start crying. He would sit in his room and talk to himself (out loud so I could hear) saying how his mom had left him and he missed her so much. Sometimes it would bring me to tearsÂbut I later realized it was a "game" he played. After watching him do it over and over again. HeÂd get in trouble, drive me crazy for hours, then guilt meÂ.it was all about control. He had to be in control. By either annoying me, upsetting me or making me feel guilty. He was always in control because I would fall into it every single time, responding to each situation as he expected me to. At the same time, he would disrupt my entire day, stress me out, and I ended up neglecting the others during those times he was having his meltdowns and required my absolute attention. Sometimes he would laugh after being physically aggressive towards his siblings and always found a way to "blame" them for either being in the way, or "making him" do it. What IÂm getting at is that at 10 years old, he was a master at manipulation. You need to be very vigilant with him, he sounds like a very smart little boy. -Take care of yourself -Dcubana

First, for the record, donethat and organic sherry... I am a woman. And if you take the time to read this entire forum, you will find that most of the posts are by...women. And you will find post after post of "new wives" who "hate", "despise" or "resent" their new husbands children. Their feelings seem to become especially strong after she has "their" baby. I also have several close friends who have married men who had children from a previous marriage. All are educated, attractive, really terrific women who are kind, funny, and well grounded. They are secure women in their own right. I thought with each of them, that if anyone could pull off the role of step-mother, any one of these women had what it takes to pull it off, and do it well. However, like so many women on the forum, they each went on to have children with their new husband, ( a few had a child or two from another marriage) and they quickly got "his" kids out of the house. They could not stand them there. And in each situation, dad is now dad to her kids, and "their new child". These are not awful women. They are terrific women who have many friends, and are generally happy, successful women. I like each of them as people. And I hear "their" side to it all. And I understand. And yet in all of this, there are children that are paying a very painful price for the choices these adults are making. Dad now sees his own kids for an hour or so at mcDonalds for lunch, because his new wife does not want his kids in her home. Kids fathers (or mothers) who now live in someone elses house, and who are now mom or dad to someone elses kids. They no longer seem to belong anywhere. They are now a guest where ever they go. Can you close your eyes and think back to when you were a child, and imagine your mom or dad now living in another house, being a parent to some other kids, and finding your dad's new wife or your mom's new husband hates you and doesn't want you there? Can you imagine as a child what this must feel like? Do you even care to do this, or is it an image you do not want to acknowledge? Read my post..."Lost everything...where is home". It is a true story...and although it is the story of a child I know, it is also the story of many, many children who have lost their family in a divorce. Can you open up your mind to understand that there are many sides to these situations? Can you believe that a woman can behave very poorly when protecting her new nest? Perhaps not you, but what about the woman your ex-husband marries? Is she wonderful with "your" children, or is she protecting her new turf, and picking on your kids for everything? That is what I am talking about when I say that women can be petty. They can perceive insults where none were intended. Women can be manipulative. (I suppose that men can be too, but I have only read a few posts from men...and they seems to have different complaints than the women. I am not being vicious, or bitter. I am just pointing out a truth. Perhaps you are not that way. And perhaps the woman that marries your ex-husband...well, perhaps she is not that way either. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt, and tell her she is doing a wonderful job with your kids? So kind, and fair? Why or why not? Sometimes we do not see or admit to the behavior in ourselves, but clearly see the faults in the woman who marries our ex, or his children. Or maybe we do our best to behave really well, and his kids really are unbearable, and are ruining our life. I don't know. I would love to hear stores about step mothers who adore "his" kids, and think his ex-wife is just wonderful!!! She is welcome over anytime!!! Wouldn't that be refreshing? But instead, women will tell you that her new husbands ex wife is horrible. But maybe she is just a woman doing the best she can to raise their children. Or maybe she feels threatened by the new wife and really is behaving badly. I don't know. What I do imagine, is that there are many sides and emotions run high because there is so much at stake.

"But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in." Where did I say that? You said, "And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college." All I did was rephrase it because you didn't like that only a 'part' of your sentence was used and I didn't want to take it out of your context. YOU imply that this SM community feels that dad doesn't have to pay for college and therefore you don't need to get lectured by any of us. Well, that is not the same as ME saying that all SM's here feel that way. What I'm saying is that you choose to be a part of THIS online community. Nobody is forcing you to be here. Personally, I don't think college costs are the right of any child, unless there is a law that states it (or by agreement). I agree with Kathline that it varies from person to person and I have three bio kids. One that is in college and I'm helping him all I can. It would be nice if his dad would help him but legally, neither of us is obligated. Morally... maybe. I have another son that I know would not do well in college. I'd like for him to go but he doesn't have the motivation to do that. If he was motivated and would benefit, I'd help him too. I don't think college is as important as others because most people that I know that went to college, ended up doing something other than what they went to college for. There are also many successful people in my family that did not go to college. I don't think college equals success. I think that college educated people can be more successful than uneducated people, but not always. But, none of that matters because your point here is not about who should pay for college. It seems more to bash people that don't agree with you and blame stepmoms for kids not going to college. Several people here have (bio)kids that have gone to college and paid for their own college (my son is working to help pay his way too) and just because they would hold the same standard for their stepchild, they are being criticized and somehow you try to relate that to whether they now have the right to discipline in their own home, because they don't agree that dad should pay for college. And then you bring up your ex's SO lifestyle and comments that she's made to your daughter about you. What does that have to do with discipline. Apparently, your daughter doesn't spend much time with her dad and his SO isn't going to have to worry too much about disciplining her and he's already bound by your agreement to pay for her college... so what is your freakin' point???? How does anything you've said relate to this thread???