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Boys and girls and closed doors.

Posted by natureperson (My Page) on
Sat, Oct 16, 04 at 9:13

I have a 17yo boy who I'm having a bit of a disagreement with right now. The rule has always been that the bedroom door stays open when a girl is over. However, sometimes I have let that rule go when he had a group of friends over in his room. He has a tv and computer in his room, so I know they feel more comfortable being in there sometimes rather than the family room and I don't have a problem with that. But a female friend, although he insists it's only a friend and it may be, bothers me to be in his room with him with the door closed. I suppose if they were going to have sex, they could find a place to have it if not here, but it doesn't seem right. He thinks I'm being rediculous and beings that he's almost 18, I'm wondering if I should let up on that rule. I was never allowed to have a boy in my bedroom when I grew up even with the door open, but times have definitely changed since then.

What do you think?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Good rule. Stick with it. It's your house, so you make the rules.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

I agree...stick with the rules. I had one son that just couldn't accept the rules. I removed the door. No more arguments after that. When they need THAT much privacy...they can move out and pay their own bills.

Deb


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

I'm glad you both agree with me. I find it amazing that some kids' parents (boys and girls) are allowed to do this on a regular basis and even enjoy co-ed slumber parties. What is going on in the minds of some parents? ha. Don't answer that, because this thread could get very lengthy. ; )


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Good rule. My son had the same rule, and believe it or not, I actually caught him having sex upstairs with door open. Thankfully I witness audio and not visual. Afterwards he objected to punishment and debated me for an hour on his right to have sex in my house. He asked if I wanted him to sneak around or have sex in cars - I said YES! This is my house - my rules - my standards -have some respect. I raised him strictly, but my experience is that once a boy's hormones kick in, he would go through his previously cherished and respected mother with a machete to get at a willing female teenager.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Oh my! How awful for you to experience that. I do make my presence known in the area of my son's room just in case there is anything that I would not want to see/hear, and I agree with your insisting on respect in your home.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Your house, your rules. Stick to them. He may not like them now, but I bet he uses the same rules when he has kids that age!

Vickey-MN


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

I can't believe you allow girls in his room! That was taboo in my household! Under no circumstances should girls be allowed in any boys room! Let them be "alone" (with you in the next room) in the family room.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

my folks had the same rule when i lived at home. and i have the same rule now. doors are open when friends are over - male or female. when he turns 18 if he wants to close the door then he can go to his own place. an open door is a sacrifice we must make to live at home.

i have friends whose children are in their late twenties and still live with them. - its rules like these that encourage children to move out and get a place of their own.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

WOW! These are great responses!! It's so nice in this day and age to hear these comments on such seemingly OBVIOUS rules.

I'll go one step further and say that if there's no television, computer, gameboy, etc. in his bedroom, then that makes the room a bedroom -- place for sleeping and changing clothes. Then, there's no reason for anyone else to be in his room. I've always told my son, if you're needing privacy (vs. quiet) in your bedroom for anything else, then you're probably doing something you're not supposed to be.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

I don't care if my son was 30, that doesn't give him to right to bring a girl into my home for sex.

I also place the computer where I can just walk by the door and see the monitor. My boys were raised with open doors and didn't think anything of it.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

This might be a tangent, but it's best for health reasons to avoid leaving doors open when no window is open because of germs, etc. Helps to quarantine the room. So if they want to be alone in his bedroom, just open the window, close the door, and let Old Man Winter do the supervising. (I'm serious!)


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

I wouldn't let go of the rule unless you want him to start treating his room like his apartment.

I remember balking at this stuff at that age, but I agree with the poster that this is exactly what HE will do when he's got kids of his own.

One thing that I realized over time is that all kids rail against the standards of parents, but the last thing that the parent should do is drop the standard. I remember distinct occasions where I argued vigorously with my mother over things that I look back on and now shudder over the possibility of her saying 'yes'...

I DO agree that it's great motivation for him to make plans about getting his own place. That is exactly what is supposed to happen. Kids are eventually supposed to start their own lives somewhere else. If it's so easy and comfortable at home, why on earth would they ever leave?

And my own personal rule is that I will never ever be the 'cool mom'. Cool moms end up in with problems, sometimes legal ones.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

My DDs are 27 and 25 and gee, I was the cool mom. But, you knew there was a but coming right? When my girls had friends over the friends were in my house. We all gathered together in one big room. Yes, we had boys sleep over for parties and such. All in the big room. My girls have told me to this day. Mom I never had sex in your house because it was your house. I gave my girls the rule: If you sleep with a guy and get pregnant he better have a good job because he will be taking care of you and the baby. They took me very serious. My DD who is twenty five still has no children and my DD who is 27 has only one, after she left my house. I believe you can still be cool but set the rules.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Brenda, does your son have any sincerely held religious beliefs?


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

My jaw honestly dropped at some of these responses. Helicopter parenting is alive and well...

Let us just consider the point of view of the child for a moment. I will be consessionary in assuming that he wants to have a girl in his room not because she is "just a friend" but indeed for sexual purposes, be it anywhere from intercourse to simply kissing. The issue here is that the subject has healthy feelings for a man of his age, surely no one will deny that being less than a year from the age of majority constitutes these feelings. There is a major riff in logic when you state that he "could find somewhere else to do it". This seems gratuitously underthought. What other place should he go to have sex? A movie theatre? A car, parked in some dark alley? An open park at night?

This assumption that your teen has some other place to go for these healthy activites is what is creating the unhealthy situation. It seems that parents think that they can go to the other party's house for this, but the other party's parents think the exact same thing. The fact is that these "other places" do not exist. By forcing him into these dark, secretive scenarios, you are giving him a hefty shove towards perversion, untruthfullness and rebellion against you. Parents need to allow their children to have privacy in their home, because saying that it is YOUR home only serves to create a divide between you and your child(ren). As much as you feel entitlement to it, it is where they live. Would you commenters honestly prefer that your young ones up and leave as soon as they have the slightlest inkling of pubescent thought?

My point is that your relationship with your son will surely be strengthened by allowing him privacy to engage in perfectly normal, healthy activities in a safe, controlled environment. By not allowing this, these feelings will only boil and fester inside of him until he is willing to go to great lengths of obscenity, lewdness and dishonesty to release them.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

My thoughts exactly abraham ,although this post is several years old.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Why you felt the need to drag up a years old post I have no idea. But I've never heard such a load of tosh in all my days.
Following your argument, how on earth did all those adolescents of the previous generation who grew up with the "no sex under the parental roof" and even "no sex until after marriage" turn out not to be perverts?
I for one would have felt very uncomfortable having sex under the parental roof, even after I was married. Just because one has "healthy feelings" does not mean one has to satisfy them whenever the urge strikes.
I can't help but feel the "do what you like, when you like, where you like" philosophy of child raising has resulted in a lot of entitled kids who will have a hard time out in the real world.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

"Let us just consider the point of view of the child for a moment. "

Yes...let's all do that. Let's turn the world over to the children. Let's let late-teenage hormone surges instruct us about what we should do as parents.

What a fool!


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

But we are not really talking about a child are we,hes almost an adult.get real.If hes gonna have sex he is gonna have sex whatever,and in my country it is legal at sixteen.pompus old twits I think.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Well, yes, sex is legal at 16 but not compulsory. Sixteen year olds are not the greatest decision makers and making it easy for them to make poor decisions is not helping them. Sex really complicates a relationship and for that reason shouldn't be gone into lightly- it makes it so much harder when teenage relationships which are by their nature ephemeral break up. Better to teach them to wait and be sure than to say,"Yeah, go for it, whatever your hormones tell you to do any time you like."


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Nobody said we are saying "go for it",absolutly not.The Best of parents have taught their kids to wait and be sure,but that isnt gona stop them experimenting with sex.My daughter is 14,hasnt got a boyfriend yet but in a few years time If she does have one,I will respect that she wants privacy,not for sex,Id like to think she wouldnt have sex ,but then I know at sometime it could be a possibility,I would like to think we are close enough to discuss everything,but then I know in reality,she will keep some things to herself.I respect her,and she gives me respect back.I Certainly wouldnt make her keep her door open when shes that age,its rediculous.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

well,my daughter has now got a boyfriend,its been going on for a few months,I allowed them in her room,door shut,and i also found they have been having sex.I was far from happy.very dissapointed ,because Im very open, and constantly talking about sex and everything,Im disapointed because me and my daughter are so close,but it just goes to show ,kids are very secretive,my daughter has done excellant at school, never gives me no trouble,but as soon as a male is in the picture,arrgh,but I still think If they gonna do it ,they will find a place


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Yes and wouldn't you like that place to be in a safe environment in your home ? At least you have some control as to what is going on. You can make sure all is safe and no unwanted pregnancy.

She does seem a bit young, though, Tracystoke ?


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

A little young,Ifelt sick,way too young ,but I guess its just reality,It took me a while to accept, I must admit,but you are right, there will be no unwanted pregnancys,Ive sorted that,I banned them from her room at first,purely because I was angry,but Ive let them back in because Like I said ,If they are doing it ,they will do it anywhere and At least ,like you said I have some control.I dont want to lose the bond with my daughter so Im trying to remember what it was like when I was her age,and she is a good kid so there Isnt much I can do.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

tracystoke,

There are millions teenagers DO NOT have sex based on their own choices. There are millions parents DO NOT constantly talk about sex with their kids, DO set rules and still have close bond with their children.

My experience is that all kids are good kids; they want to meet parents' expectations. You expect yours to have sex at young age, and you provided an environment for her to do that, so she did not disappoint you.

When our kids were teens, we, our friends and colleagues expected them to build their experiences by getting straight As, doing volunteer work, joining leadership programs, attending academic, art, music, sports competitions, and holding part time jobs in summers. So far none of our kids have disappointed us. They are either professional young adults with degrees from top tier colleges, or are attending top tier colleges with tough majors.

All of us have great relationships with our kids.

When they were teens, we encouraged our own kids to have friends boy, and friends girl, instead of girl friends and boy friends. They have built long lasting friendship with friends of oppsite sex. Many of the friends now have also became professional contacts.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

Lucky you.Im an excellant mother and have an excellant daughter ,so Im happy with that.And who are you kidding,sorry but I live in the real world.So because my daughter has had sex means she cant do something with her life and get straight As and a top profession,Dont be so stupid and naive.I remember at school one of the brightest girls people used to call a swat getting pregnant at fourteen and having the baby,everyone was gobsmacked ,she Is now a doctor,Ive loads more examples but wont bother to share.


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

i think its absolute crap that you shouldn't be able to have the same gender children in the bedroom. especially if their nearly adult. for all you could know, your child doesn't like the opposite sex! i've had sleep overs with boys, loads! my parents allowed it! and so will i! and yes, they should be able to close the door. i'm surprised at how absurd some parents are these days! privacy doesn't mean SEX, it could BUT it just means alone time with no distractions. ugh


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RE: Boys and girls and closed doors.

i think its absolute crap that you shouldn't be able to have the same gender children in the bedroom. especially if their nearly adult. for all you could know, your child doesn't like the opposite sex! i've had sleep overs with boys, loads! my parents allowed it! and so will i! and yes, they should be able to close the door. i'm surprised at how absurd some parents are these days! privacy doesn't mean SEX, it could BUT it just means alone time with no distractions. ugh


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