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Money, mom, husband and guilt

Posted by wonderinginnh (My Page) on
Mon, Oct 29, 12 at 9:00

Please help me. My mom is making me feel guilty and other feelings for giving up our 1986 boat. She has helped us with a huge repair bill 8 yrs ago and has been on the boat more weekends than we have alone the past 5 yrs. I lost my job in 2009 and now only a part timer. Capt lost his job the next yr after 34 yrs and now has a low paying job, with benes, I have no benes. The cost of keeping our 28 yr old boat is $5200 yr. Mom has decided NOW to give us this $5000 to keep the boat and the slip. Capt cannot/will not do the repairs/work to keep this boat. I agree, we cannot keep this boat/too much work for age/health. The boat is in the most beautiful spot and we will not be able to have this slip but will remain members at the club and enjoy it, just not stay on the boat there at the club. I am torn between the mom and capt. What can I say to both or either of them? This weekend we bought a small camper with mom in mind for her bed and she totally exploded on me, cried and offered to pay for the slip and guilt trip. Her back is hurting her with arthritis and she probably won't be able to take long trips in the comfy truck only shorter rides. But we cannot keep this boat. I had warned her at the beginning of the summer and actually told her of our plans to buy a small camper. I guess she didn't think it was real.

Now what do I say ? We are committed to the camper and I'm feeling happy and have a go forward attitude with my husband, but she is smarter and is saying you will regret this and presenting scenarios that may happen and telling us that we will regret it. I am so torn between them. I guess also a little more info is that my brother lives with her. He is super smart, healthy, drinks too much and does not have a job. She enables him and he lives with her and somewhat takes care of her and she buys his drinks and cigarettes but has at times, given me attitude about buying wine for the boat for our weekend. My other sister died at 49 yrs old from cigarettes and drinking; cancer.

My husband and I have always worked, always paid for everything ourselves and always been conservative. The camper will be hard for us moneywise, but it is a step forward and something different that we want to do and I'm feeling so torn and hurt.

Any advice, thoughts, suggestions and links would be so very helpful. Thank you and bless you.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

If you mom wants a boat, let he buy one for herself.
You cannot afford one, so don't have one.

I don't see how the brother is relevant to the boat issue....

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

Offer to sell it to her.

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

You're an adult. You and your husband need to make your decisions based on what's best for your family. Period. Don't let anyone else--whether related to you or not--give you grief.

I like the suggestion above that you offer to sell the boat to your mom. If she wants it--fine, if not, then that's fine, too

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

If it is a guilt trip she is offering, DON'T take the trip! I agree with everyone else; the boat is for sale. If Mom wants it, and comes forward with the cash FIRST, sell it to her. Sell it to the first person who offers your price. Mom is a manipulator ( and it's working on you). So don't let her manipulate you into keeping something you don't want by saying she will buy it, causing you to miss a genuine offer. And stop taking her guilt trips. It's your mind; take it only places you enjoy.

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

Wow - thank you so much - great advice! You are absolutely right - she is not making me feel guilty, I am responding and feeling guilty.

As I get older, I seem to be having difficulty with my relationship with my mother. Why is this? Any suggestions and comments would be appreciated.

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

When my 83 year old Mom visits or I visit her, she tells me things like, "do you know how much laundry soap to use?". Or she asks if I can cook such & such. I'm 62, I know how! Haha. I have just decided to learn from
this to make sure I don't do the same things to my adult daughter.
I guess she still sees me as a little girl. I can't change that, but I can change my own thoughts, and not get aggravated with her. I quit trying to please her many years ago-- but I can still respect her as my mother.

RE: Money, mom, husband and guilt

Yep that is the way to deal with other people's criticism - don't let it affect you - brush it off. Feel sorry for them.

Be proud of yourself.

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