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I don`t know what to do here.

Posted by darek_gardener (My Page) on
Mon, Oct 13, 08 at 8:37

My 16 year old son has his girlfriend over for over 4 to 6 hours in his room with the door closed and the lights out, and my wife insists that I do not interfere and just trust him. What should I do here?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

What planet is your wife living on? Any teen who disappears for hours, with his girlfriend, refusing to allow his parents to see what he's up to--is either having sex, drinking, or doing drugs. Possibly all three. It's how they're wired and what they do.

You have 2 problems--one your son and his VERY inappropriate behavior in his parents' home. But unfortunately, you can't fix that one until you and your wife get on the same page about raising him. I'm guessing that's probably been a problem to some extent for the past 16 years.

I'm totally at a loss--I cannot imagine any mother being okay with her son having sex in her own home--unless she's desparate to have another child to raise and is hoping that's the outcome? (it probably will be, if you don't do something). And at your son's age--his responsibility to a child is going to last a lot longer than the relationship he's in at the moment.

I feel your pain, truly, but unless you and Mom can agree, you're going to be batting your head against a wall, I'm afraid. You'd best make it clear right now, that you won't be taking on anyone else's responsibilities--you WON'T pay for: an abortion, prenatal care, birth, child support, 'girlfriend support', you won't be taking this little family into your home, etc.

And I really hate to bring this up, but if your wife is that indulgent, you can probably expect that for the next 30-40-50 years you're going to find yourself forking over for this 'child's' needs, because your wife is NEVER going to turn him down if he needs money to pay his bills, buy a car, take the family on vacation, replace the roof, buy himself trinkets, etc etc etc (I know, because my in-laws spent hundres of thousands indulging my SIL--that was before FIL died, and SIL robbed MIL's accounts of a quarter of a million $$$)

Good luck--I think at this point, the best advice is to look out for yourself. Protect yourself, hide some of your assets so you'll have them when you need them.


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

Not trust him, that's for sure. I guess your wife wants a grandchild. I can't imagine what your wife is thinking, and I'm a woman who raised three kids.

How old is the girl - statutory rape will give him a lifelong label as a sexual predator. You and your son need to have a very serious talk, no accusations, just the facts. And you should set down some firm rules. They can be in the family/living room, but NOT in his bedroom with the door closed. Once he's left your home - college, job, or whatever, he can do whatever he wants, but your house, your rules.

And you and your wife need to have a serious talk, too and come up with some standards you can both agree about. Your son, who is following his "urges" is taking advantage of this situation. Otherwise - you'll be a grandfather in about 9 months.


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

I raised my children with their bedroom doors open, our door was open also, most of the time. LOL They didn't think anything of it. They never brought up the subject of privacy. I agree, I think they are doing something they don't want you to see and you may be grandparents sooner that you expect.


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

What they said. What the hell is your wife thinking????? I'm totally gobsmacked.


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

I have a 16 year old son. His girlfriend comes over to stay.

We ironed out the rules before this was allowed to happen.

I just spelled it out...no sex... that's it. We spoke about consequences of sex. She is 15 and I said she was too young and he had a responsibility to ensure that she was safe.

You must, at least, talk about these things with your son. An unplanned pregnancy would be a disaster, it would ruin their lives.

Don't dither, assert your authority and say what you think.

I just don't know how you can stand having all that going on under your roof !


When she is here, she sleeps in a different bedroom, he knows this must happen or else she will not be staying again. When they are in his bedroom the door must be open. I walk in from time to time.

I am completely stressed about the whole thing even though I seem to have it all sorted out and I am sure he is trustworthy.

I have spoken to him about things getting out of control, about hormones etc etc.

I must admit it is a source of worry, at times what is going on, and can I really trust him !


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

At 16 he does not need his door closed when friends are over (male or female)!

What is your wife going to tell the girls parents when the girl gets pregnant and says it happened in your home while you were both home??

I do not know what your wife is thinking....or if she is thinking at all!


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

I think your wife is in denial.

I was never allowed to have boyfriends in my room. It was on the second floor and we just weren't allowed up there. If I was a a boyfriend's house, his bedroom door had to be opened. A boyfriend once got in trouble because we were both sitting on the bed together (and that was with the lights on and the door open).

Parents need to be strict about this kind of stuff. Kids are still kids and hormones are, well, hormones. I would bet your wife thinks she is doing right by 'trusting' him. But, as someone else mentioned there is no reason lights should be off and the door closed. Maybe she is assuming the are just making out and to let them be. But, I think she is naive, and if that is so, I think her condoning of this closed door policy will only confuse your son in the long run. Even if she tells him differently, her allowing the closed door, etc, is implying that fooling around there is ok. Actions speak louder than words. Don't let your son get mixed messages.


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RE: I don`t know what to do here.

You're wife is not thinking about your son's future.

And... to be perfectly blunt... grow some balls and enforce the rules yourself. Why wait for your wife to do it? You are his father and have every right to discipline him and it is your house! You have to help him to NOT ruin his life and the life of an innocent child!

My sister allowed it with her son and now there's a 2 year old boy who is suffering because of it. Two kids raising a toddler!!! Two kids who don't know if they're coming or going, and trying to establish a life together, seperately, then together again, then seperately again, and so and so on. The toddler is the one suffering because of the immaturity of his parents!


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