8 Yr old son soon to be 9 refuses to do his home work

15 years ago

I am the (stepdad). it is a constant fight with DJ to do his homework. (LOL my parents faught with me also). I am quit sure this is not an uncommon ordeal. However, since I have no children of my own. I am not quit sure how to deal with these issues. Dj just flat out does not want to do his homework. The Drama is inredible!!!For exable DJ has been out of school because he ahs been sick. We went to the school to get his home work. sat down last night to get part of it done, and it ended up being a 5 hr ordeal. Tere are a lot of other issues that I am very awhere of that may very well be the problem.and at this time I am not going to disclose those issues. We just need some help and suggestions I got too angry last night and feel very bad about it. But what do you do when your 8 yr old just simply does not want to do homework. He nows the work and can do the work. even after explaination after explaination. he still acts out, and refuses to do the work. Any comments suggestions are greatful. thank you

Comments (10)

bnicebkind
15 years ago
A few friends had this problem and they handled it in different ways.

Friend #1 - Hires a neighbor kid that is a great student and pays them to come over and help kids with their home work and school projects. She says it cuts down on all of the bickering she used to go through trying to get her kids to do their home work. She pays the same wage a babysitter would get. A high school student may do it for free to get community service hours that they need for high school resume' for college.

Friend #2. Another friend uses the game system and TV as reward. They can't do either until all homework is finished. Home work is done immediately after school. If they leave what they need at school and don't have materials, then all gaming and TV is grounded for two days. They stopped "forgetting" books etc. at school. You could also do another type of "reward" system. Buy a set of poker chips like they sell at the drug store. For each time homework is complete without hassle, he earns a chip. He can then trade them in on Saturday for a treat. Like a play date with a friend, or a piece of candy for a "treat box" or some one on one time with you throwing the football or riding a bike, etc. Think creatively about what he would like to earn. If he fusses, and makes it a big hassle, no chip that night. You can also use the red chip as an award for being really nice to a sibling, etc. or doing something without being asked that helps around the house.

Friend #3 hired a teacher to do homework with her kid after school. Teacher appreciated the extra money, and kids often behave much better for someone else.

Friend #4 For everything not done, chores where assigned. Hard chores like weeding the yard. Kids soon learned it was easier to just do the homework. Seemed kind of tough to me, but it did the job.

It seems that kids often don't put up the fuss with other people, as they do with their parents, and behave better.

Anyway, just some idea's to get you started.
plumbly22
15 years ago
I have this battle with my 9 yo daughter... every night the same thing... if you would stop wussing and just work at it, you'd be cone by now.... anyway... on the days I work when she' gets home, I do have a neighbor child here to babysit her (2 days/week) she does it for one with no problem and alternates between doing it and not for the other girl... go figure...

For me... I use a 'bribe' of sorts... for the past couple weeks it is... if you don't stopp whining and get it done, you will NOT go trick or treating.... now after Halloween, I'll need to come up with something else she 'wants' to hold out as to be taken away... possibly a movie she wants to go see, or a Christmas present she wants... you get the idea I'm sure...

Dad, on the other hand resorts to screaming with her and ends up in a contest of wills with her... and then I need togo step in on the nights he's suppposed to be taking his turn at this...
Related Discussions
Sudden Lawn Boy Surging Problems (Mower Is 9 Yrs. Old)
Q
Comments (8)
I have had dozens of these with this problem. I don't know why so many complain about the carbureators being plastic, etc. but they are so simple to work on. Just clean the carb and I usually remove the pilot jet and clean the orifices with a thin wire as well as the main jet orifice. I highly recommend installing a good gas filter like the larger Briggs clear style you can get anywhere. I have made them standard fare on my Lawn Boys for years. I don't like those "York Peppermint Patties" filters though. While you're in the carb you may want to do the minor mod on the jets (very very simple) to make her run better and less prone to clogging in the future. Walt is correct, if the dealer gave you that line, he really doesn't understand 2 cycle engines. They are incredibly simple once understood. But that can probably be said about anything in life. BTW, the elcheapo throttle control plastic detent typically breaks and I wouldn't worry about it. It is really for the idiots who can't figure out what a choke setting is. The better alum. deck models got a better throttle control, much smoother.
...See More
Website for parent struggling with very difficult 8 yr old
Q
Comments (9)
I have to agree that if a child has the opportunity to repeat the same bad behavior over and over, there is a lack of supervision. I also agree that some kids require more supervision than others. When you have a kid like that, and you know, you have to work harder. It's not the parents' fault that the kids is more difficult. But the fact that he/she is more difficult requires more, and different, strategies from the parents. I also agree this mother needs support in the form of other parents. She needs to get an idea of what behavior is within the range of normal, and what is not, and what other parents do to modify the behavior of their kids... normal and not so normal. I'm not sure online will be sufficient. There is nothing like having a good long chat with friends who are in the same place in life as you are. It doesn't help to blame, or even to diagnose sometimes. Doesn't matter why or how the child came to be more difficult that others. What matters is creative strategies to modify the behavior, and coping strategies for the parents who get worn out dealing with it. I have a 6 y/o DS who is difficult. He is the youngest of four, and I swear came into our family just b/c DH and I thought we had this parenting thing figured out and needed to be reminded we have a lot to learn. He is oppositional; he is defiant; he is difficult. I worry about it; I apologize for it; I even joke about it. But I do not deny it. My 15 y/o expresses the 6 y/o's attitude perfectly with this line, "I reject your reality and substitute my own." He does not take authority or instruction well. He will argue with almost everything. He can also be cooperative and respectful... getting it from him just takes a lot more effort and creative thinking than the other kids required. He forces a person to think outside the box... way outside! He exhibits the emotions and behaviors of any other 6 y/o, just amplified. On steroids. With greater zeal and stamina. While some kids will test the boundaries, learn and give up, DS will test and test and test and test... systematically looking for a weak spot or to wear a person down. He tries to negotiate everything, even when it doesn't make any sense to negotiate, when it's not even in his advantage. He just has to debate everything! Not just with me, with everyone. I read the description on that website for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He fits it, although I'm not sure it interferes enough with school and life. It does sometimes, but not always. For example, third day of kindergarten he was removed from the school bus and I had to pick up him at school. The bus driver enforced a new rule that: kindergarteners sit together in the front, older grades sit with their grade going back the bus. My 6 y/o wanted to sit with his brother in 5th grade and refused to follow the rule or the driver's directions of where to sit. He argued with the driver, defied him, until an administrator was called to remove him from the bus. That day, it interfered with his life. He has not been back to the principal's office since. Now in first grade, about twice/month DS comes home with a comment in his agenda that he did not follow directions at some point that day. About 3 times this year he's had "silent lunch" (sitting at an isolated table) for not following directions. I believe his teacher to be fair, and I believe she likes him and does what is best for him. I've known her a few years and she's earned that from me. (Ironically, the bus driver eventually asked me for suggestions on how to handle the kid when he gets that way, I said sit him with his brother and let his brother work with him. It works. His brother knows what to say to make him think about his choices. So he did, and it works. Go figure.) I have had to learn (and teach DH and sometimes older siblings who watch him or work with him on some task). I know what will trigger inappropriate behavior. Stress, new situations, and frustration are all sure ways to bring it out. So that first week of kindergarten, something was bound to happen. I explain it to DH like this. Think of how you feel, as an adult, when you are thrown into a new situation. It seems like everyone else around you is very competent and familiar with the tasks. You, though, have no idea what to do and even what questions to ask. That is how DS feels every day. He wants to get it right, but has no idea how, so he acts out to release the stress that causes. As the youngest in the family, it probably looks to him like everyone else knows what to do, and he's useless. So I give him tasks and don't let the other kids step in and do it for him. He needs to feel competent and valued. I talk about what to expect from a situation, I have to remember that even though I've taught this lesson three times already, I haven't taught it to him. (I can forget that.) My new phrase with him lately is "People don't like it when you act that way." Or variations on it, "People won't listen if you talk that way." If he starts debating for the sake of gaining control, being in control, I tell him that. So far it is actually helping. He stops and thinks about the way he is acting. He'll even rephrase what he wants to say in a better way, a way that others will listen to. My next step is to make a behavior contract for him. I'm working it out in my head, then I'll put it on paper. I want to list behaviors that I expect from him: following directions the first time; doing homework in X amount of time (not dragging it out with complaints); following the rules in a game; obeying house rules like 20 mins computer time limit. I'll give points (0 to 3) based on how well he met the expectation. Never, sometimes, usually, always. And a reward (or lack of) based on the points each day/week. There are kids who behave worse than DS. I mean, I can take him in public. Usually. ;o) He is just more difficult than the average kid. I don't like to send him to play at a friend's without me b/c I know he will sooner or later defy that adult. He does not obey without some compelling reason. "Because I'm the grown up" carries almost no weight with him. Even with a compelling reason, he will try to negotiate. It's almost like a compulsion to oppose. He could tell me for 30 minutes he needs to use the bathroom when we're out. I finally find one, and send him, and he'll refuse, "I don't have to go now." Just b/c I told him to go. He'd stand there and pee his pants and deny that he has to go the whole time. He could be sweating til he's soaked and when someone says "It's hot," he'll insist it's cold. Dozens of times every day there is some debate like that. Now, I'm saying "People don't like it when you act that way." He also knows that when I start counting down, I'm done hearing his arguments, I'm not listening. I give him a direction, he might refuse to follow, I start counting backwards starting with what I think is a reasonable time to comply. Just doing that triggers something in him, flips a switch almost, to shut off the opposition. In fact, especially in a public place or he's too far away for me to shout at him to hear me, I hold up my fingers and start counting down 10 to 0 that way. He is mentally exhausting. He is a handful, I know it. I don't know what/if I "made" him that way. I don't do things knowingly to contribute to it. DH was home with him recently and had to leave to get other kids somewhere. DS refused to put on his shoes b/c they weren't the ones he wanted to wear, couldn't find what he wanted. DH called me on my cell phone saying DS was having a tantrum, refused to get up and out the door. I just said "How big is he? How big are you? Pick him up, put him and the shoes in the car, stop talking to him, and he'll get is act together before you arrive." He did. And the 15 y/o told me later, "Mom, that's what I told Dad to do!" LOL! Sometimes this kid can just wear a person's mind down until you cannot think anymore. That is exactly what he is going for! So I push myself to resist, knowing it will get worse if I don't. I'm in charge, I act like it. The other kids just did not challenge it as much (at least so far). This one... ay yi yi! He spends more time challenging me about doing a task than the task takes when he finally just does it. I tell him plainly, "I'm not changing my mind. You will not win this." And I stick to it. I do b/c I know if I don't, there will be chaos and anarchy. Sorry so long. I'm just want to say, a parent HAS to have other parents to talk to. To debrief, compare notes, vent, brainstorm... That's how you know if your child's behavior is something other have dealt with and how, or if you've got something extreme on your hands. I think my DS is still within the range of normal, but he's at the "difficult" end of the range.
...See More
15 yr. old son quitting sports
Q
Comments (9)
I do have a lot of thoughts about this, probably because both my kids walked away from their main activities that they poured years of their lives into (and thousands of our dollars). My kids both had very good reasons, and I understood, but still it was hard to watch. So off the top of my head, and perhaps I'm wrong, here's what I think. I'm just somewhat concerned with his decision because this kid lives and breathes football! I have never pushed him into doing any sport, but he has a natural aptitude for FB and I'd be sad to see him walk away from it and regret it later. On the one hand, yes it sounds like he has an aptitude for football, and it's been his passion for years. On the other hand, He's a decent, solid player, great on the line, but definately not the "star" player due to him not putting 100% in most things he does. He definately has the abilities. Sounds like football's not the passion it used to be. I've seen many kids at the point where it sounds like your son is, not just in sports but in music, academics, etc. There comes a time for many kids where it's just plain gut check, hard work time. If they want to up their playing level to run with the big boys, they have to up their work ethic. I've seen many kids drop out of their main activity around this age, because they just don't want to put 100% into the activity. I think that's a valid choice - it's one I hated to see my own kids make, but it was a reasonable choice. Your son may have lots of reasons for quitting rolling around in his head. The issue of moving may definitely be a factor - is he moving to a more competitive district where it would be harder to start? If his passion for football is starting to slip, perhaps he is looking ahead to when he has a job and less free time. There's that old joke about boys this age - it's the age when the "fumes" get to them - you know, the per"fume" and the gas "fumes". Driving and dating, jobs and girlfriends start to take over their lives. My husband always encouraged Boy Scouts to get their Eagle before the "fumes" hit. Unless you think the teasing is just way out of line, I wouldn't worry about that. In my experience that's just the way of boys, particularly boys in sports. They're very competitive, and yes they're going to rag on a boy who they know is not giving 100%. Your son has probably been seeing that kind of teasing for years, and may have even dished some out himself. It sounds to me like the bottom line is that your son could lay it all on the line, give 100%, work hard and have a shot at the varsity. He's not doing that. Either he's afraid to try and fail, or he doesn't want to work that hard. Either way, it's something he'll have to decide for himself. My husband is a big fan of pushing kids to give 100% and stick with something they're good at. I'm not. My opinion is this with my kids - as long as your grades are good and you're responsible, doing your chores and doing what you should do, then your free time is your own as long as you're doing something "good". I think these young years are golden times for kids to explore their passions and try new things - now before they have full time jobs and families to take care of. The only thing is that if my son was in your son's position, I'd hate to see him quit football because of the moving aspect. If your son is moving to a new school district where he doesn't know anybody, it would be good for him to step into a sport. He'd have a niche and a good way to meet people and make new friends quickly. But then again, keep in mind my son went to a high school with between 3 and 4 thousand kids. Finding a niche in a big school like that is important - it helps keep kids from getting lost in the crowd. If your son is moving to a small school, that may not be as important. I know you must hate to see your son quit the activity he's worked so hard on, particularly now when these next 2 years "should" be his glory time. The best you can do is to do what you're probably already doing - emphasize that exercise and fitness are lifetime goals, and when you quit one form of exercise you need to take up another. Help your son look for lifetime fitness hobbies - biking, swimming, running, weight-lifting, tennis, etc. Make sure he's substituting healthy activities for his football time. Make sure he's not quitting because of hazing, or some other bad reason. The only other thing I'd keep in mind is this - my kids distanced themselves from activities and people that I was very surprised to see them avoid. Years later I found it was because those kids were getting drunk, or doing drugs, or acting cruel to other people, or the culture that group was fostering was arrogant and rude. I wish you and your family the best, particularly your son. I moved out of state my junior year of high school and it was tough. It wound up being wonderful for me in the long run (I would never have met my husband if we hadn't moved), but it was sure hard to do. I hope your son makes wonderful new friends when he moves, and I hope you love it there, too.
...See More
My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mom
Q
Comments (12)
Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access. Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month. As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records. With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer. Does that make sense?
...See More
mom2emall
15 years ago
I LOVE the poker chip idea. I am going to try that with my 10 year old. He whines so much about doing homework I want to cry LOL! I used to have him do it at the kitchen table as I was making dinner but it turned into him "needing" my help every few seconds. It got to the point where he would not even read directions without telling me he did not understand what to do!

So I went and bought a cheap desk for his room. Now he gets home from school and has a snack and then heads to his room to do homework. He has to do everything before I will check it. Works a lot better but many days he still attempts to come downstairs and whine or ask for help on things he could do on his own.
stephanie_in_ga
15 years ago
My 6 y/o whines about homework. I don't want it to get worse. So I also set a time limit. If the HW isn't done by the reasonable time limit (about 30 minutes for him), no reward for it. He's not gonna drag it out for a couple hours and still get the reward. (Yeah, 6, when the HW should take all of 15 minutes at most, and he drags it out.)

Which ever of these great ideas you take, I would also suggest you talk to his teacher at the next conference. One, it let's him know how seriously you're taking this. Two, she might have a suggestion that she has known to work with other kids. And three, it let's her know there is an issue and what you are doing to resolve it so she can be supportive of it. It sort of sends your son the message that this is a team: parents, teacher and child.

Stay calm and continue sending the message that this is non-negotiable. Homework is not a choice, you just have to do it. Nothing is going to get you out of it. Though some kids try longer than others, he will eventually get that resistance is futile. ;o)
imamommy
15 years ago
My 9 year old stepdaughter doesn't refuse to DO her homework, but she has been 'forgetting' it or has flat out lied to me & said she didn't have any, when she hid it in her desk. So, in that way... she's not doing her homework. When I asked her why she lied (and I think the forgetting was also a lie & that she just left it in her desk so she didn't have to do it), she told me she didn't want to do it. So, I told her that I don't want to do some of the fun things she enjoys (like baking, helping me with dinner or most recently, carving pumpkins) if she isn't going to do the things we want her to do. It has only been a week and she's been caught in a few lies already... again.

I personally think it works better to give it less attention or no attention and shrug your shoulders and say, "I guess you'd rather not watch tv with us, since you don't have your homework done." My husband used to spend half his evening frustrated beyond belief because SD would guess at the answers or write down the wrong answer that made absolutely no sense & DH would erase it, try to explain it & end up yelling at her out of frustration. One evening, he was running around, angry/frustrated looking for another eraser. He was all worked up and SD was calmly sitting on the edge of her bed, humming to herself. I grabbed DH aside & pointed out... if she isn't stressed out or upset over her work not being done, why are YOU? I walked into the room & told SD that daddy is NOT helping you with your work. When it's done correctly, the two of you can sit and play a game or watch TV until bedtime, but if you screw around until bedtime, you will take it back to school unfinished & I will call your teacher & tell her why it's not done. There were a couple of days that she took her homework back to school not done & I talked to the teacher. Her teacher said that it's explained in class & she should not need help, she should know what to do. She then lost her recess and did the work in class. After that, she would get it done correctly the first time.. sometimes with minor corrections, but she'd get it done & want to spend time with dad. While in counseling, she admitted she wasn't doing it right on purpose because it meant dad spent the majority of the evening focused just on her. She didn't seem to care that it was negative attention. He was too frazzled to realize what she was doing & after I pointed it out, he's better at recognizing it. Now, when she comes home and says she has no idea what to do, he knows she wasn't paying attention when the teacher was explaining it. She's had an ongoing problem with talking in class & not paying attention. It really helps to have good communication with the teacher.
straycat_wandering
15 years ago
You know to me it sounds like your stepson is ready for some "natural consequences" for his actions. I would simply tell him summer school or repeating the same grade is an option for him to be aware of if he continues to choose not to do his home work. I would let his teacher know and she can also reinforce the consequences for him.
It just doesn't pay to beg, because then you are putting responsibility for his actions on yourself, and truth is...they will be his consequences. Better learn that one early rather than late.
It certainly sounds like you have done the best you can, it's up to him now. Good Luck!
lindac
15 years ago
Stray cat said it all. He needs to take the consequences of his actions...or his NON actions.
And his home work is not your problem....and you shouldn't make it so.
Linda C
momj47
15 years ago
While I agree that he needs to learn there are consequences for his actions, and you should step back and let him fail, you do need to be careful about letting him fail. You don't want him to accept the idea that he is a failure and have him give up completely. You have to be careful not to belittle him, or make him feel stupid or inadequate. At this age, kids internalize these messages very quickly, and they become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why isn't his mother involved in this, you need to get out of the picture, you are his stepfather, this is a fight you can't win. A five hour harangue is cruel, no one deserves to be treated like that.

I think his mother may need to explore a little further - is something else going on - is his teacher treating him badly, is he being bullied by someone in his class or at school, does he understand what he's being taught, does he have a learning disability, etc?

If all is well have his mother get him a tutor. A few little successes may be enough of a reward to start to motivate him. You two need an objective third party to handle this, not only for his future, but to bring peace back into the home. Right now he has no safe place to retreat, no one is his advocate, and he needs that so much right now.

Good luck.
bnicebkind
15 years ago
angel scott: Are you following your own post?
rob333 (zone 7b)
15 years ago
Ditto the ditto on straycat. I used to go through this, and figured out, time limit and if it wasn't done, he had to turn it in "as is". He changed his tune quickly!

8 Yr old son soon to be 9 refuses to do his home work

Comments (10)

bnicebkind

plumbly22

Related Discussions

mom2emall

stephanie_in_ga

imamommy

straycat_wandering

lindac

momj47

bnicebkind

rob333 (zone 7b)

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US