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Abusive Adult Children

Posted by magoo_2006 (My Page) on
Fri, Sep 14, 07 at 16:36

I dont know how much more I can take. I have a 30 yo DS that has recently gotten mad and poured syrup in the gas tank of a 2000 chevy impala that I JUST bought. He has done so many things in the past that they are too numerous to mention. He doesnt seem to show any guilt or remorse for anything that he does. He also manipulates and uses his little brothers (ages 17 & 18). He takes their money from them and promises to pay back but never does. Their good school clothes come up missing. He is very jealous of my relationship with them. He is also very jealous if someone has something that he doesnt. So far he has caused me so many plumbing problems, cut the phone cord outside, broken windows out, cut the cord to my monitor, etc. etc. etc. He costs me a fortune and I am just a single mom trying to start a career and raise my kids. He has caused me so much grief that as soon as my kids graduate, Im selling my house and relocating somewhere away from here.
He also has a very long police record mostly for violent crimes. He cant never seem to keep a relationship, a job or a roommate. Therefore he keeps coming back to me for support.
Does anyone else have these kind of problems with their grown kids.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Abusive Adult Children

Have you reported any of this to the police? You need to have a record of what he has done and get a restraining order. If it were me and I could afford to I would disappear with my younger kids, let a realtor sell the home after I left........before you or your sons become a statistic.


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I second everything that Jonesy said. YOU need to add to his police record by reporting the damage he is doing. You also need to talk to a domestic violence counselor.

Move away in the dark of night to where he can't find you.


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I already have a restraining order on him so does my other son (18). Also, his wife has one on him. However, in April he was in a serious car accident and almost died. That is when everything changed and he came here to recuperate. Now that he is better, things are going back to the way they were. It is starting all over again.

I would move but I have 2 other sons, one in the 11th grade and one in the 12th. They have went to the same school all their lives so I dont want to change them right here at the end. I am just waiting until my youngest son graduates and then I am out of here. I am trying to get thorugh it until then.


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RE: Abusive Adult Children

It sounds like there is something wrong with your DS.

For him to have an absence of compassion, or guilt in his treatment of you, HIS MOTHER, then there is something seriously wrong with him. Do you think this is normal behaviour?

Maybe there are drugs involved.

Would he consider going and seeing some sort of health professional ?

You have a full life, caring for your other sons and yourself, and I would imagine that your ability to deal with him on this advocacy level is restricted.

Its an issue of personal safety, here, so in that case you must protect yourself at all costs, and your sons.

I urge you to find some sort of counsellor that can explore, with you, your options.

All the best to you.


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Popi, unfortunately he will not seek professional help and because he is an adult, I cant force him.

I am quite certain that drugs are involved.

Thank you to everyone for your advice.


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Did he act like this as a child? Or has it mostly been as an adult? I have alot of friends who have been through this exact same thing with their kids.Now they just dont even talk to their kids anymore.For years they went through the verbal,mental and sometimes physical abuse.Now they are pretty much going "tough love" about it.What else can you really do? Sounds like your son is very toxic towards you and your other two sons.


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Actually, if he does anything crazy and you call the police and the police can see that there is a problem they will take him and get him committed for evaluation.


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"Did he act like this as a child? Or has it mostly been as an adult?"

No, he didnt act like this then, only after he got grown. he was a very difficult teenager but not to this extent.


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Does he live with you still? Kick him out. He is 30 years old.

Never leave anywhere without a cell phone and pepper spray (that goes for your other kids too) He sounds like a dangerous individual. He is an adult and you can't do anything but protect yourself against him it sounds like.

You may have to get law enforcement involved in order to get him out of your home.

He obviously has mental problems with substance possibly making it worse. You can't do anything for him, he has to hit rock bottom first. Very very sad for you. But don't let him mess up your other kids lives!


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He is a danger to you and your boys, you must protect them and yourself.

I would consider moving to a different house, and not letting your older son know where you are.

He will have to hit rock bottom, before he would consider help, by the sounds of it.

Its a tragic situation and I am sure you have done all you can.

Please look after yourself.

All the best to you and your family.

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

POPI


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Have you talked to your 2 younger boys about moving?? They might feel it would be worth it to move even though they are so close to graduating, they can't like the situation any more than you do. My mother was put in the same type of situation although it was my father causing all the abuse on her, she waited years before leaving because of us kids, it has ruined her mentally and physically, she left right after I (the youngest) got married, but I wish she had not waited that long.
He could seriously injure or even kill you or your children in a fit of rage, especially if drugs are involved, you might not think he can or will do it, but if his mind has been altered by these drugs he is capable of anything.


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RE: Abusive Adult Children

magoo, I fear for your safety and your other childrens' safety. Please contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at www.ncadv.org and find out where the nearest domestic violence agency is to your home. They will talk to you about your options and give you advice on how to remain safe.

I understand that he is your adult child, flesh and blood, but he is a dangerous person. It's not your fault, and you are not alone. You have received some good advice on this forum. Please continue to reach out; call a domestic abuse hotline. The national hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. Talk to them about how you are feeling and ask what some safe options are.

If you don't want to call for yourself, call for your other children or give them the number to call. They deserve to be safe in their own home. And they need to see that their mother is strong, and that this behavior is not acceptable, will not be tolerated, and he will be held accountable.

I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted if possible. Be safe.


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Better to move your kids than to take a chance of leaving them motherless or letting them think this kind of behavior is normal.


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As a kid who went to three different elementary schools and three different high schools, I can tell you that there are much, much worse things than changing schools and meeting new and interesting friends.

Like having your own family steal, lie and physically threaten your mother. What kind of lessons are you letting this teach your younger sons? That it's all right for (male) bullies to demoralize and harass (female) adults?

Get out of town and leave this loser behind. Tell your younger sons you love him, and maybe someday he'll straighten his life out, but you don't want to risk their futures or yours, on the forlorn hope that your eldest is suddenly going to straighten out.

You are not responsible for a 30-yr old adult criminal. But you ARE responsible for seeing that your two younger children grow up to be happy, responsible adults.

My mother was a "tough love" mother back before they invented the term. Once we graduated high school, we were on our own. There was no coming back home to live, no hand-outs, no excuses.

My sisters and I made plenty of our own mistakes, but we learned fast nobody was responsible for our lives but ourselves. Nobody was going to help us out unless we helped ourselves, first, by working hard and making the right choices. If we made the wrong choices and sank, tough!

You need to think of yourself, and make a successful life beyond being a mother. Good luck!


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i have a twenty 2 year old who tries to be in charge, i am 59 and she is getting more abusive, eats my food, she has secret money coming in and i called the police on her before and they were horrible to mr! therefore she knows the police wont help me, i dont know what to do, my 20 year old daugher is afraid of her and no one will help. last night i t4ried to close the door on her trying to comein as she has been horrible all day and she actually called 911 saying she wanted me evaluated, and i was craxy. they said it wasnt their job and left, but she is getting away with murder.


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Umm....what is she doing there? Do you own the residence or pay the rent or does she?

Strange post in many ways.


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i feel a bit silly after hearing what other people on here have to go through but my gripe is my 18 year old daughter she is 4 months pregnant and has moved in with me for a while until she finds her own place every thing was good at first but now i feel like a prisner in my own home i try to lay down the law but i am a very soft person i live upsteirs in 2 rooms my daughter has her boyfreind staying most nights as well i have tryed to set rules and boundres but it just ends up in a screaming match and i wirrie about her unborn baby she seems to hate the world i wish i could help her but she is not intersted in anything i have to say i can live with that but my self esteam is fading just need to get my second wind and hope she will have her own home soon


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I'm sorry to say this, but she already has her own home. Mom lives upstairs in two rooms.

Why would she change anything?


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"...my self esteam is fading..."

No doubt. And you're earning it every day you allow this to go on.

"...i am a very soft person..."

Which is why you've been used and why you will continue to be used unless you buck up and act like you deserve respect -- and insist upon it.

"...hope she will have her own home soon"

And that's going to happen via how....magic? Do you think it's going to work itself out? Your daughter and her boyfriend have a great thing going. I predict they'll continue to use you as long as you allow it.

You're thinking "love, help, support". They're thinking "Wow, this is nice. Let's keep this going."


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I've been happily married to my second husband for 30 years. My first husband was an abusive alcoholic. I have forgiven him for some things but he led my son down the wrong path, ruining a lovely human being and subjecting him to drugs and alcohol. I have never drank. Through help and treatment, I prayed my son would overcome the damage inflicted, and for a while all looked promising. Unfortunately, for the last six years he has become abusive in his verbal interactions with me without provocation and seemingly coming from nowhere. I have done all that I can and although I love him, the pain he brings about is horrible. He is 43 years old, keeps a steady job but has alienated himself from his family. He acts hateful all the time. It is everyone else's fault, not his. The last thing was he posted some disgusting and degrading profane things on a website about me--all lies. I have given him nothing but love and understanding, but the verbal abuse he tosses out is devastating and without warrant. I have given him every opportunity, but now I cannot take the pain any longer. Although I love him, I do not like him and do not want to be around him. Is this wrong of me? We are a good family, but everyone is backing off because he is so verbally abusive.


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I have two older children, both are disrespectful, verbally abusive and just down right ugly. My daughter has been physically abusive. It pained me to do so, but I have simply let them go. I WILL NOT live my life in fear and constant turmoil because I hold on to the hope that if I continue to allow it, they would eventually see just how much I love them. I let them go. I am not going to make anyone a priority in my life when all I am to them is an option. My job as a mother, I will feel, is never ending...HOWEVER, they are adults, refuse help and I will not enable any longer. I live a happy, drama free life now and can't believe I didn't do this sooner.


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This is such a blessing to me to find this site. I have a son who has not spoken to me for 10 years. I do not know the reasons why. I suffer with depression and find myself being low so often as I don't know how to cope.

I have a daughter who I am so close to but he has now started to see her again and I feel really uncomfortable as he is very spiteful and manipulative. Please give me the name of the other link you talk about for further help.#


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Kellyhughes - you said "I am not going to make anyone a priority in my life when all I am to them is an option.".

Wow - what a great sentence and very, very wise. Thank you for that.


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I Have three children, two boys 20 and 24 and a 15 yr old daughter. we have a history of violence in the home. from their dad abusing me to him abusing the boys to me being a basket case and not knowing how to put order in the home. my boys are now very abusive towards me and my daughter. phisycally and verbally. I put up with my boys ABUSE FOR 6 years out of guilt for not raising them properly and like someoneelse mentioned,I thought that putting up with the pain would showed them that I love them. the violence scalated and my oldest has become so disturbed he threatens to cut my fingers and send them to my family in a box two weeks he almost chocked me to death. my 20 yrs old threaten me with a hot iron on my face and threw meon the ground. I have finally realized that If I continue doing this. they will kill me and my daughter. My daughter has seen so much she needs a lot of counseling and I realized that I am still a battered woman. I have tried every way possible to work with them. I have asked for forgiveness a milliot times. I have suggested therapy but they refuse all help "bcs im the one with the problem. Does anybody have a battered woman program you can recommend for me and my daughter in southern california? Thank you.


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911 can help you find one right away... call them


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"I have asked for forgiveness a milliot times. I have suggested therapy but they refuse all help "bcs im the one with the problem."

When someone else is the one PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON YOU, THEY are the problem.

You need to get the heck out of there before something really bad happens.

Are you working? If not, go get a job (any job) that allows you to get a break from this situation for even a little while. I'd be getting counseling at the same time so you can start getting some positive reinforcement that will give you the strength to move on.

Here are two links that may be of use. Call them from a place other than your home. Rent a post office box and start saving money.

If the law office below isn't in your area, ask them for a referral.

Please check back and let us know how your doing.

"If you have a question regarding a domestic violence situation and are seeking a restraining order, please contact our office at 1-800-941-6730 for a FREE consultation or visit www.sagarialaw.com. "

www.californiafamilylawblog.com/domestic_violence/

California Partnership to End Domstic Violence
www.cpedv.org/


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I am really new here so please bear with me until I learn my way around, I am not sure that I am on the right page but I reviewed some of the messages that others had written and although they are very complicated issues and everyone seems very supportive, I am having problems more on the line of extreme "emotional abuse" from my 20yr old daughter and her boyfriend. I am disabled and their behavior wrecks havoc on me physically as well they have never gotten to the point of physically hitting me or anything yet. I live alone and had my daughter late in life and raised her by myself after divorcing my ex of 20 yrs because of abuse. She had ADHD as a child and it was not easy dealing with her at times but my life revolved around her, and I worked and took good care of her. It seems in the past few years she has became more and more abusive to me mentally and just keeps me on an emotional roller coaster all the time, Things are more complicated now because she has an 8month old daughter, my grand daughter (who I adore) and another baby due in July. She lives with her boyfriend and of course they struggle but I try my best to help them anyway I can. But most of the time she takes it for granted or makes me feel like she is using me, sometimes she will ask for help and get it and then not come around or even take my calls for weeks until she knows when I get paid again. I have to buy her gas just to get her to bring the baby over for a few minutes. I would love to just take the time and get all this off my chest soon if anyone would be willing to listen? I need some supportive help to find out why she does this and what I may be able to do to stop it. She is so disrespectful and rude to me and I am very sick at times, she is so rude that if I am talking on the phone to her and she doesn't feel like talking any longer she just hangs up and doesn't even say goodbye or that she has to go! She has told so many people lies about me regarding her childhood, I mean really outlandish stuff like..I pimped her out when she was twelve for drugs and booze!! I never took drugs or alcohol, I worked!! She had everything she needed and then some and I took very good care of her. I don't understand where she gets this stuff or why she needs to do it. I realize this doesn't come close to physical abuse but there may be some one out there who could relate so I decided to write it down. thank you for reading.


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Sounds like he needs help and either he hasn't gotten it or he hasn't gotten the right kind. When he was a minor, did he show the same problems and did you take him for treatment?

He doesn't sound mentally healthy and he's not going to be until he gets the help that he needs. I wouldn't support him until he agrees to committing to getting help.


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Wow, Nana - I have been going through a very similar situation for about 8 years now -- so glad you're here. My daughter makes up lies and tries to hurt me (age 34), blames me for her being born. If you have an abusive spouse, you can divorce them, but when your own kid is doing it, it is for life. I have been beat up, had a phone cord wrapped around my neck, doors kicked in, drugs put in my drink, and now, since I won't pay her and her boyfriend's bills anymore, she is trying to alienate my grandchildren against me, and I can't say anything. This is miserable and horrible, but I'm right there with you.


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I'm going thru hard times with my adult sons, one in particular is turning 21 tomarrow and I just served him a protection order and had him removed from my residence this morning....I've spent the whole day crying and sleeping ( until now). My emotions are so conflicting, I love him so deeply but I can't allow him to keep manipulating and emotionally torment me, why can't he just be kind???? This is so hard to go thru and not very many people understand. How do I move on, I feel like a part of me just died....I can't stop crying....did I make a mistake????


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I've been praying to find others who are desperately hurting and need a familiar voice to listen to! I have been in so much pain for over 20 verbally abusive years! My daughter uses words to terrorize me and beat me down! I am so over this but the pain doesn't go away! I cry almost every night. If I didn't love her so much this wouldn't hurt I'm sure.... not only this but my wonderful grandchildren (although she has turned my 18 yr. old granddaughter against me now and is following in her mothers footsteps) that I love so much! My gut hurts, my eyes are swollen and I'm beyond depressed! My daughter is 36 and was an extremely difficult teenager! Like night and day when she turned 14 she began her rebellion by steeling cars, getting drunk while babysitting (I never have alcohol in our home) and having consensual sex with a 40 yr old man in the neighborhood! I divorced her father but he was in her life... however he never was there during this time until I called him in despair. He finally came so that I could tell him about my research about taking her to court where the judge would take custody of her but she would remain in our home and would be forced to do what her father and I say (this is called "CHINS"). Her father refused to do this and decided to remove her from our home where she was thrown out of her aunt and uncle's home for the same behavior! I am disabled and have been hospitalized from my daughter's wrath! I want to turn around and walk away but I know this will hurt, even though not as much as what she has caused me! Many times I've asked God's forgiveness when I shout that I wish that I never had children! According to her I am the route to every problem she has ever had and that I am a terrible human being on this earth! For many years every now and then I would very carefully bring up the subject of us getting therapy but like most of us here she isn't the problem, "I AM!" I am thinking of sending her a letter telling her that I can no longer be a part of her life until she seeks therapy! This is the hard part, it will be like cutting all ties to my 5 grandchildren and she will turn them against me saying that grandma doesn't want to see you anymore!!!!! How in God's name can I wrap my mind around this tooooo! :o(


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Sadly Ruby, it looks like your daughter is turning your grandchildren against you anyway. If walking away won't hurt as much as staying, you will have to decide whether you want to hurt some or a lot. In your shoes I think I would cut my losses.


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I am dealing with the same stuff....I dont know what to do about it. My son randomly goes into these "anger" fits....the last one was this past weekend, he came to my door at 3am like a hurricane. pushed me down, broke some of my things.....as well as his own guitar that i bought him.....There are so many more logistics to this....I know he needs to go on and stay away from me for a while....but it hurts so bad! Its really the best thing for him....maybe he will sort himself out.....I just have to be done with him for a while, and as a mother that is a very hard realization to come to, much less putting it in action!!!!


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Dear WendyDarling,
I'm so sorry to hear about your son's "anger" fits! How old is your son? Not that it makes a difference...! My daughter has behaved like a narcissistic since she was 14 yrs old, she is now 36! I would like to give you a link to understand this easier (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652) This may not help you in your case but please know that I am here to support you if you would like.....


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Reading this thread makes me cry . . . How easy it is to tell someone else that it's their own fault they're being abused. People who would never think to tell a woman who was being beaten by her husband or one that had been attacked by the "nice" guy she'd been dating that they were at fault seem to have no problem turning around and telling a parent that they're just getting what they deserve if another adult who just happens to be someone to whom they contributed some DNA and whom they tried to raise as a good person is the one causing this kind of damage.

I admit, I wasn't a perfect parent. I was abused as a child/adolescent/young adult by everyone from my parents to the man I thought (at the time) was the love of my life. In an effort to stop the cycle of abuse I swore never to raise my hand to my child. However, I guess I went too far the other way - in an effort to engender a sense of self-esteem, self-respect and self-love that I never felt I was overly sensitive to her needs, wants and feelings.

The odd thing is that her younger sister, whom I also raised, is nothing like her. Her sister would never think of sending me to the hospital with a cracked wrist and a concussion, or calling me a disgusting b**ch or stealing my car, my money, my credit and debit cards.

The older one is manipulative, cruel and narcissistic. But she has my grandson, who is a powerless, innocent pawn in her twisted view of what I "owe" her. And I can't make her move out without her taking him with her, thus leaving him homeless and vulnerable - especially when she has no one else to take her stress and anger out on once she's gone. She's never been physically abusive toward him, but I've heard the way she talks to and treats him when she's angry . . . When it's just the two of them what's to stop it from escalating?

What?!? Call the police and/or social services, you say? But I/we don't have any bruises and she says we're lying and over-reacting. Charge her with theft? She lives with me and I voluntarily let her drive my car at one point so now it's not considered theft any more - they tell me to go to court and sue her to get my car back. Kick her out? And what happens to the sweet 8-yr-old boy she has in her power? And how do I pay for the windows she'll break, the car she'll trash in retaliation, the doors she'll kick in, the apartment she'll get me kicked out of with her disruptive behavior? Move? Yes, because I have hundreds or even thousands of dollars just sitting in a bank account that she hasn't stolen or manipulated out of me yet, so I can just pick up, break my lease and go somewhere else.

And none of these reasons even begin to touch on the intense love I have for this woman/child to whom I gave birth and who has been part of my life longer than anyone except my parent. Or how I want her to have a better life than I did and, therefore, feel a compulsive need to protect her - even from herself. Are you a parent? Look at that infant or toddler or child sleeping so peacefully there by you and tell me you don't want to protect him / her from harm. That feeling doesn't go away just because they get bigger - maybe you learn to step back and let them fly on their own, but the impulse to protect will ALWAYS be there. So when you know that going to the police will have life-long negative consequences for him/her you hesitate. Yes, when I had bruises I called the police and pressed charges and had custody of her son removed and the positive consequences of those actions were much shorter lived than the negative. She got off drugs and straightened up, sure, but now she can't get a job because of her record. And because she can't get a job she depends on me, and because she depends on me she resents me, and because she resents me she abuses me. How do you fix that circle? Giving her more current charges only makes it worse.

Thanks for judging me on top of all the stress I'm going through trying to find my way through this dark and dangerous part of my life, it's making it so much easier for me to see and negotiate my path.


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