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Mother and boyfriend problems

Posted by b_nmi (My Page) on
Mon, Sep 19, 11 at 15:34

Hello,
I'm in a very stressful situation here and i really need the opinion of an outsider because i don't know what to do.
So i broke up with my ex boyfriend 2 months ago,we have been together for almost 3 years.During our relationship my mother always kept telling me that he is no good for me,he only holds me back,has a bad influence on me and so on.I broke up with him twice and always ended up getting back together because when i broke up with him my mother then kept telling me that i'll never find someone who loves me that much and i'll never find someone as good as him,this was while we were separated,after we made up my mom started saying that he only holds me back and is no good for me,At this point i didn't know what to do so i didn't pay attention to what my mother was saying.After a while i realized that i don't love this man,he started annoying me,we were constantly fighting so i decided to end the relashionship.Shortly after the break-up i found someone new with who i feel very good,i truly love him,he is 100 times better than my ex boyfriend,he's kind,understanding,loving and we are just on the same page with everything...i have been friends with this guy for a very long time before we got together so i know he won't make me suffer and would never do anything to hurt me.I know him very well.He is 4 years older than me,i'm 20.He has a masters degree,has a job,loves animals and that's very important because i'm an animal lover myself.So the problem here is that i told my mother about us,and now she doesn't even want to hear about the new guy because she says that it's his fault that i broke up with my ex-bf.And she really makes me feel how much she hates him.She kept all my gifts from my ex boyfriend,she keeps a picture of me and my ex in her room and doesn't let me throw it away.I would like to get rid of everything that reminds me of my ex because i don't really have good memories.My ex used to do drugs while we were together,he occasionally smoked pot.i never did because i hate that kind of stuff.When i told this to my mother she didn't believe it but immediately said that she is positive that i smoke pot not him.She never had faith in me,treats me like a complete idiot...even though i never did anything bad in my life.I always had good grades in school and college,i have scholarship,never had problems with my behavior..the only thing wrong with me is that i have low self-esteem so i rarely stand up for myself.My mom has a strong personality,i can't put up with her.It really hurts that my mother doesn't even care if i'm happy or not in this relationship,she said that she doesn't even want to meet him,ever.This period is very hard for me because all my friends are mad at me and won't speak to me because i broke up with my ex and shortly after i got together with the new guy.They think that i cheated on my ex,but i could never ever do something like that.I don't really care about my friends because i never really liked them,i was just friends with them because of my ex,they are just a bunch of potheads.But i do care about my mother who seems to love my ex more than she loves me.I hate being home because she always finds something hurtful to say.Always mentions my ex.
I forgot to mention that i have a brother,who is 11 years older than me,Very successful man.I always feel like she is very proud of her son,would never say anything bad about him...and embarrassed about me.It's like she thinks that i can't make a decision by myself,it's like i'm an idiot.
I hope that it's understandable what i have written. English isn't my native language so i'm positive that i made lots of mistakes,sorry for that, and i have never been good at explaining things and writing texts.
Thank you for taking a few minutes and paying attention to my problem.
Forgot to say that my current boyfriend doesn't hang around junkies.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

You did a good job explaining your situation.

It is difficult to read, because you haven't put in any paragraphs. Double spacing every so often, makes it easier to read.

The problem is you listen to your mother. She is not allowing you to make your own decisions.

You should find your own place to live, and find your own way in life.

You are an adult, start acting like one and take control of your life.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

thanks for the reply.
I know i'm an adult but in this country,in which I'm living isn't so easy to just pick up your stuff and go live by yourself.It's complicated so I won't get into discussing it.
Thanks for your time and opinion.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

"....isn't so easy to just pick up your stuff and go live by yourself.It's complicated so I won't get into discussing it."

OK....but then why bother posting? Do you expect your mother to change? Leaving home is almost always a hassle in one way or another but everyone does it sooner or later. Surely as long as you're living with your mother you'll have to endure your mother's personality and opinions. If you're unable or unwilling to change it, it will remain as it is. Your mother isn't going to change to please you. Either act or resign yourself.

You're going to have to take charge of your circumstance some time. Why not now?


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

Say to your mother "I am upset because you keep talking about my ex, he is out of my life and I need you to be supportive of my decisions."

If you have to live with her, then gently becoming assertive and showing your mother that you can be sensible and responsible. Prove to her that you will be able to manage your life and that you will be happy.

She probably wants the best for you, like most mothers.

You seem to be surrounded by people who tell you how to live your life, not really their business, is it ?


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

Sounds to me like YOUR judgement is much better than your mother's. It also sounds like she has some very conflicted feelings about your ex-BF and that she is trying to manipulate your life and direct your decisions.

I will accept your word for it that moving out of your mother's house right now is not a realistic option. So if you cannot move out physically, make your move a mental one. Simply adopt the attitude that your are an adult, that you have made up your mind, and that you are living your own life. You have made your choice about who to date and are happy with the choice you have made.

Now stop listening to your mother. There is also reason to believe she may not have only your best interests in mind. How else can she explain her constant flip-flops on your Ex? Next time she goes off about your Ex, ask her "Why would you want me to be with a drug user who always made me feel bad about myself? Why would you want that kind of life for me when I could have a better life with someone else?"

And I wouldn't even ask her to meet your new BF. You ask - she'll deny. You stop volunteering -- then she'll want to meet him. Even then, I'd stall until she puts away Ex-BF's pictures and stops talking about him, saying simply "You still seem to be hung up on Ex-BF. I have moved on, and once you have moved on and are ready to meet someone new, I will bring him over then."

Your self-esteem is the biggest issue. Work on that -- in part by tuning out toxic Mom and staying away from bad-news Ex-BF and his druggie friends -- and the rest of your problems will start to become more manageable.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

I apologize in advance for being blunt. Number one, I can easily see how/why moving out is not an option, since I've lived in an Asian country for a part of my life and I know how hard it can be.

First off, I completely agree with Sweeby's advice.

I also think that your mother is a classic narcissist who is never satisfied no matter what you do. Therefore, as sweeby suggests, move out mentally.

Honestly, I've seen too many cases around me where a parent advised a child to either take up a certain career or a course at school -- the kid did it when he/she was not into it -- and if the kid failed or did not come out at the top of the class, the parent turned around and squarely made it a kid's problem. This is a classic person who cannot stop offering advice but if it turns out wrong, cannot take the responsibility of failure. Narcissistic parents always want to only grab the credit never the blame for anything that happens around them.

Hope this helps.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

I apologize in advance for being blunt. Number one, I can easily see how/why moving out is not an option, since I've lived in an Asian country for a part of my life and I know how hard it can be.

First off, I completely agree with Sweeby's advice.

I also think that your mother is a classic narcissist who is never satisfied no matter what you do. Therefore, as sweeby suggests, move out mentally.

Honestly, I've seen too many cases around me where a parent advised a child to either take up a certain career or a course at school -- the kid did it when he/she was not into it -- and if the kid failed or did not come out at the top of the class, the parent turned around and squarely made it a kid's problem. This is a classic person who cannot stop offering advice but if it turns out wrong, cannot take the responsibility of failure. Narcissistic parents always want to only grab the credit never the blame for anything that happens around them.

Hope this helps.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

Interesting you bring up narcissism Railparail -- That was absolutely my first thought also, but I didn't want to mention it... Your mother's behavior fits the pattern perfectly.


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

be sure and look up narcissism and read "Will I ever be good enough?"


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RE: Mother and boyfriend problems

She with time will stop with using your ex against you.. one thing you have to ask yourself.. because i used to do it is call my mother everytime i fought with my husband.. whom she didnt like in the first place.. this made her hate him even more the reason i say this is you say friends are mad at you and everyone else.. they wouldnt be mad if you kept your relationship problems private. When you tell everyone your problems you are unknowingly setting your spouse up to look bad in their eyes .. your situation is the oppisite but still dont let people in on every detail and they wont feel like they have to pick sides. Choose to talk to one friend on a board in a shrinks office someone nuetral not personal. You should have delt with your problems with him not an outsider. Take a good look at yourself as well ... Its always two people in a relationship who are at fault when theres problems . Maybe they see you blaming it all on him and not taking credit for your part in the failer of your relationship. People perceptions of you most of the time you create yourself.


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Interesting you bring up narcissism....

"But i do care about my mother who seems to love my ex more than she loves me.I hate being home because she always finds something hurtful to say.Always mentions my ex."

Your mother is mean to keep bringing up your drug user ex. Read this article and see if you see her in it. If so, do whatever you have to in order to put some space between you so you can experience what its like to feel like a good person even when those closest to you think otherwise....

A link that might be useful.

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html


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