Dear Adaughter, There are many qualities that your mother shares with mine. I don't remember hearing "I love you" from her until I was 23 and getting married. She was not affectionate in our home yet when we would travel to her sister's home I would stand back and watch her hug and show other physical affection to my cousins who were just a few years older than I. Still, while in their home, she did not show that to me. She was either extremely critical of me or proud when I achieved the near perfection in school that she could brag about. There wasn't an in between with her. I was estranged from my mother from the ages of 20 until I married at 23. She disowned me because I moved in with my boyfriend. She wrote me horrible letters and refused to allow anyone in the family to see me or talk to me. If they would have they would have paid dearly. When I became engaged I went to her and told her. She wanted to plan a big church wedding and act as though nothing had happened. I said no and that we were going to have a very small wedding in our home. She again became furious with me. I told her not to come if she felt that way. She and my dad did come and acted as though everything had always been fine. During the years that we were estranged I began to suffer panic attacks. I went from being a self confident, fit and attractive young woman to being an over weight, nervous wreck that couldn't even go to the grocery store with having a panic attack. She broke me. Through the years of my marriage she never spoke of what happened between us. It happened again for about a year when I disagreed with her about something. How we reconciled then I cannot remember. She was a hard woman to get along with. She had estranged many of the family relationships throughout my childhood. Those with my father's family and with members of her own family. She was a miserable woman. I have two children that she and my dad were crazy about. I told myself that I would not allow her to cause me to behave in a way that I would later regret. I made sure that she and my dad had as much time to spend with my kids as possible. I bit my tongue, smiled and agreed with her, let things go. Whatever it took. My mom passed away 10 years ago. ( I am 49 ) I am plagued at times by her problems and very sad that she could not manage her way through this life without causing such hurt to those that loved her the most and to herself. I don't understand it. I know she had a mother that treated her badly. Evidently she could not break the chain. I have never regretted taking the high rode. She was my mother and I loved her. If you can work things out in your head and heart to love your mom as she is and set limits for how close you will allow her to be in your life then maybe you can manage a relationship with her at a distance. Many times becoming estranged from your mom only makes you feel worse. It doesn't ever go away. You will think of her with painful remorse and longing at every birthday party, every Christmas and many days when you wish that you could just talk. The relationship will never be what it should and that is very sad. I suggest, from personal experience that you think about what will be easier for you to live with. She will die someday, maybe tomorrow and you will have the rest of your live with the choice that you made. I wish you well. I'm sorry that you have to live with a relationship like this when it should be your sweetest of moments. I truly do understand.

Oh wow, this is so true for me. My 22 and 18 yr. old daughters are close with one another and their dad, who lets them do AND say whatever they want and who has a larger house so they naturally both wanted to live with him after the divorce 12-1/2 years ago. Now that they are both adults, not only is the older one estranged from me (she and I never got along well, so it's no big surprise), but the younger one, a new adult as of Jan. '09, with whom I used to be very close from her birth to about age 14, is nearing that now. Their dad basically "emotionally kidnapped" both of them - he speaks condescendingly to me whenever I stop by and they learned it from him!! He is their "hero," as they can do no wrong in his eyes, or he in their eyes - it is always "party time" at his house, so why wouldn't they favor him? Yet he has done them a great disservice. I can't do anything about it. Yet I did everything for them, all the "dirty work" thru' the years, from diapers and bottles to providing financial security for their educations and other basic needs - both work part-time, but they sure need additional funds, so they really have taken advantage of me - one is in a design trade school, the other will attend a state university in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Their studies may seem great - but what am I left with for all my blood, sweat and toil?! Very little at all!! Ive even had to help them with a few legal issues like an "almost DUI" when my younger one was a minor (age 17), and a couple of moving violations. My younger one was somewhat friendly to my 2nd husband (whom I married in 2002) in recent years, before she hit 18; but now, neither one of them shows the slightest interest in him or inclination to be friendly to him at all, despite knowing I am close with him and he has done a lot to make my life better in terms of companionship etc., plus the fact that he has tried to be friendly to them when there has been an opportunity. But his and my lives and activities (work, hobbies, etc.) mean nothing to them. The last 4 or 5 Mother's Days when we have gotten together, they have made little "time slots" for me, quickly giving me gifts such as bath products (oh wow), eating lunch "on the fly," and then saying "gotta go - see ya." THIS Mother's Day - I don't even think there will be any get together because I can't take the one-sidedness any longer - i.e., the totally one-way effort. Bottom line: I somehow must come to grips w/ this and somehow get to where I'm at peace w/ it. Thank you for your site, and I hope someone reads this post  I also empathize with all of you who are in the same Âboat that I am. Thanks for reading this, if you do. / P.S. Part of the reason for this happening also, I believe, is that I started doing more night music "gigs" and jam sessions (my free-lance profession is jazz pianist/vocalist) once they hit the age where I could start getting out more, around 2003  this actually wound up backfiring on me, though, in that although I was glad to be more freed up and thought it was perfectly fine to start being out more at night especially since they were spending most of their time at their dadÂs house anyway, it actually made them feel I was less "there" or "available" for them.

Thanks strawberryl...you are right. I have been trying to hold my head up high and remember that I came through all the garbage that I put myself through and that I have to keep trucking on. I am a lot stronger now than I was then. I guess the fear that I have now is that she is getting comfortable with the idea of me not being in her life and I am getting used to coping with her not being in it. Don't get me wrong...everyday I carry around this sad feeling deep down inside. I tell myself to be happy because it doesn't come naturally on it's own. That sad feeling though never goes away....ever...but I have learned to cope and keep on living life. Where as before I think the drinking problem was my escape from it because I didn't know how to cope without her. I wanted to stay numb to everything and not face it. Now...I have to face it on my own without medicating myself to block it out. I'm afraid sometimes she will forget what I look like or she will forget the times we had together. If I sit long enough and think about her I feel like I am going to fall apart. I think the reason I have relationship problems is because I feel guilty for being happy. Like I don't deserve to be happy. I made a mess of my child's life (of course I blame her father too) but he takes no blame for it so I feel like it all falls back on me. Every tear she crys and every bad night she has when she can't sleep from now until forever will be my fault some how. It's hard to live with that feeling everyday. People around me tell me that I have let this go on so long that I can't expect things to get any better. I backed off from pushing her into being in my life out of fear....her dad told me to leave her be for awhile and let her settle down and get used to the idea that we were divorced. I think during that time he was doing everything he could to convince her she didn't need me anymore and now she believes it. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She shows no emotion and doesn't want to talk about anything with me. She will continually repeat the same thing over and over again...."i don't want to talk right now" she will say that throughout the whole time I am trying to talk to her. I can't seem to prove to an attorney or a judge that I think he has emotionally abused her. They tell me to prove it. It is my word against his. There was a day that I went to the school...it was on her birthday last year to see her and when I got there she started crying and told me her dad might be there too. Well....he never showed up and once she realized he wasn't going to be there too...she looked at me and said "well I just won't tell you daddy that you came up here". I found it very odd but didn't say much about it because all her friends were around and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it in front of them. Later that night I called her dad and asked about giving her presents to her. I told him that they wouldn't let me leave them at the school so I need to meet up with him so I can give them to him. He told me I was lying and that I had not been up at the school because when he asked our daughter about whether I had been there or not she told him no. She lied to him about it. Why would she feel the need to lie to her dad about having seen me???? She even lied to her grandmother about it (his mom) and I really think there is something up with that. She acts scared to be with me or even speak with me. Part of me wants to go back to court and fight this out there but then I worry as to what he may do or say to our daughter. I feel like she is in a horrible position where she has to act like she hates me otherwise he will be angry with her. She won't admit that but I know something is wrong. I just don't know what to do about it.

I am recently estranged from my 26 year old son. It happened last summer after what was supposed to be a wonderful family trip to Hawaii. We invited my oldest son and his wife to come along with us, all expenses paid. We had been fortunate to have free air travel due to mileage. To make a long story short, are daughter in law has never liked us. Almost as soon as I met her I told my husband that she was very comfortable with us (i.e. lack of respect!) As soon as they were engaged I started hearing about things I had done that 'hurt her badly," from my son. This went on up to the wedding, with me continually apologizing and making amends for crimes I didn't commit. My husband told my son at the wedding that we really wanted his wife to call us Mom and Dad now, not by our first names which she had been given permission to address us by (reluctantly.) Since we had so much turmoil in the 1 1/2 that they were engaged, we thought it best to stay out of their lives as much as possible so that perhaps she would feel more secure and comfortable with us. We wanted them to know we weren't going to be interfering. We stuck by our guns, but continually were insulted by the way she conducts herself with us at get togethers. She acts bored, doesn't join in on the conversation, and is generally awful to be around. My son never seemed to notice her behavior, or if he did he ignored it out of his feelings for her. I should say also that my son had very little experience with dating, and no other serious relationship before he met this girl. I should also say that I believe she mislead him as to what her values were so that she would measure up to what he wanted, just so that he would marry her. A year before our trip to Hawaii we decided to invite them with us and our youngest son. I made it clear to my son that I didn't want to know an answer from him so that if they didn't want to go we wouldn't assume it was she who decided it. I also made it clear straight away that we wanted this to be a family vacation, i.e. do things together most of the time. My son had no problem with that, yet as the time drew nearer I kept getting odd phone calls questioning how much time I meant by most. From the minute they showed up at our door at 7am the morning of the trip I knew it was not going to be good. Most people on their way for 10 days expenses paid to Hawaii would be so excited and in a good mood, right? Not my DIL, she looked like she'd rather be doing anything else. She didn't talk to us in the car, on the plane, etc. Thankfully my husband and I sat together and the three of them sat together. My two sons conversed most of the trip, but my DIL did her own thing and tried to sleep. Hawaii was a nightmare. From the start of getting there they were off on their own. We'd have dinner together and she wouldn't join in and acted bored to tears. When we did spend time together she and my son would be off by themselves, while the three of us walked alone. Finally near the end of the trip it came to a boiling point. My husband took my sons out for a beer and confronted my son about his wife's behavior. My son admitted he had noticed her being quiet. Apparently my son came back and talked to his wife about it since by the next morning she had locked him out of the condo bedroom. My son was beside himself, so my husband managed to get his wife out of their bedroom and outside to talk. My husband is very good at calming emotional situations as he does this quite often in his job. Though he talked to her, she just claimed that she has the type of personality where she'd rather listen. Of course this didn't jive with a few experiences we had in Hawaii where we joined up with friends of my son and DIL that happened to be there. When we were with their friends she was the life of the party, talking, laughing and carrying on. Still my husband talked with her, explained how we were feeling, lsitened to her side and came back to the condo with her announcing to us all that she didn't mean anything by her behavior, that she is just introspective! We spent the last day in Maui with all of us together, but her behavior was just a bit better then it had been. Since my son and I had had words also over the tension, I'd say it was still tense when we got back home even though we had basically made up. The rest of the summer was discussing, arguing, and hearing what we are sure was an out and out lie for her behavior on our trip. She didn't tell my son about this until she was confronted, and my son wouldn't tell me anything other than they had got bad news while in Hawaii. Finally after me pressing him for the bad news by stating we were worried (which we were,) he told me that his wife had thought she had a miscarriage. I asked if she was late, if they were trying, why did she think she had a miscarriage? He told me no to all my questions, and stated she thought she saw something. If she had been pregnant and had lost the baby at two weeks there certainly wouldn't be any evidence she could see. Still, we couldn't accuse her of lying to our son. Also, even though she had a cell phone that would allow her to call the states for a local rate, it never occured to her to call her dr., her mom, or talk to me. She was 'too embarassed' to talk to me because she is so afraid of having a miscarriage because allegedly her mother had several. To think my son fell for this line is absolutely amazing, but then it was ingenuis since most men wouldn't have a clue. It wasn't until she was home that she found out from 'someone' that she didn't miscarry. This was according to my son. Now if that someone had been a dr., I'm sure she would have stated dr., not someone. After her escapade in Hawaii we told our son she could no longer address us by our first names, that we wanted her to call us Mr. & Mrs. as before due to her obvious lack of respect for us. We didn't state the respect part to our son as the reason though. She refused to do so, causing so much anguish for our son. Mind you my son has been seeing a therapist since they got married, and is on medication. His wife however doesn't go to therapy or take meds that we know of. After a tumultuous fall, it reached the breaking point one night when he called with a list of 'issues' he had with us. This is a son who we used to have a wonderful relationship with, and all of a sudden we had wronged him. After a raging arguement at their condo where my son wouldn't let us in his apartment to discuss things, threatened to call the police, and finally had me reacting emotionally by calling my DIL a b*@ch. This was followed by my son calling me a F'ing b*@ch. I was crushed. The next few days were hell, and by day three I emailed my DIL and apologized for my emotional outburst. I put a return receipton the email and copied my son in so that I would know they both saw my apology. She never opened it. My son finally opened it 3 or 4 days after I sent it, but not reply, nothing. I was so angry that even after my apology that he didn't react that I wrote a three page letter listing all the things that had gone on in the past 3.5 years and also a few jabs. It was an email which is all to easy to write and send off before you have time to let everything you said sink in. I'll never send an angry email again, from now on it gets saved as a draft and given some time to think about. Still, even though my email was very blunt, my husband and younger son said I was right in what I had said. I probably could have left out a few remarks that were very sarcastic though, and I'm sure that even though what I said was true that it still hurt my son. Since that time I have only text messaged my son to let him know that I love him and that he is always welcome back. He did return my text with a very short 'thanks' and that he loved me to. He's never called. We didn't see them for Thanksgiving, and only saw them a week after turkey day because my sister in law had a party for her daughter who turned 30. They came and did come in and greet my husband and I, but I know it was a charade since the whole family was basically watching. They never talked to us again that night. My husband wouldn't even stand up to hug my son, though he did embrace him somewhat. My husband also acted as if he didn't see my son's wife to avoid greeting her at all. I did however give a hug to both my son and his wife. Later we all went bowling and were on two different teams. It is a big family so we had about 10 peoples on each team. We never spoke during that time, but when we left I did say goodbye to his wife and hugged my son and told him I loved him. He has never said he is sorry to me for his outburst, and it hurts me so much. I realize now that my son was never the person I thought he was. My younger son has helped me see how selfish he always was, and that though my DIL may be evil, she just helps feed his already immature personality that doesn't seem to be able to be natural. It's as if the two of them are play acting. Everyone thinks they are so special with all the kind things they do for the family, yet who are they the least kind too, us! Their relationship is a facade. They both drink too much, and are both very much 'me' people. They don't speak about important things, and though at one time my son seemed to think family was of the greatest importance, he now seems to not care at all. I don't know if he even loves us or not. I am devastated, and every day seems like I have more weird stress and anxiety symptoms to deal with. I could never have imagined this happening in a million years. We did nothing but bend over backwards for 3 years to please his girlfriend and wife. We wanted to like her because she was so important to him. We would have done almost anything to make things work, but Hawaii was the final straw. If we didn't have my younger son with us I doubt anyone would really believe us that it could have been that bad. Without us ever saying a word to my younger son, the first night when we went out to dinner and my son and his wife split off from us we got a mouthful from the younger brother. Our son came outside by us and told angrily told us that he had never met anyone like his brother's wife. He told us she was ungrateful, and he couldn't understand how she just couldn't pretend to like us. I think I might be insane if it weren't for the fact that a 23 year old see's through her, even if my 26 year old can't. I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. I jsut want to move on and leave him behind. No child who treats his parent's this way deserves to be in their lives. Every day I say I'm moving on, but it is like slow motion and all sorts of things trigger angry emotional feelings. It is so surreal. I know I went overboard writing this message, so please forgive me. I'll take any support, advice that anyone can give. I don't know how i"m going to live out the rest of my days without him, yet I don't want him if he is going to be this cold to us. anniebal