I'm so sorry.

You might read the thread about the daughter who disowned her parents;
although that girl is older, there are a lot of similarities.

Even if you can make a 16-year-old return home, I think that if you force her, you'll win the battle & lose the war.

I know one mother who nailed her daughter's bedroom windows shut, which was like a dare;
the daughter pried the nails out with a claw hammer.

By nailing the windows shut (please don't do this; it's dangerous because of the risk of fire, & it probably is aganst the law), her mother had left her no choice:
if she wanted to stand up for herself, she had to break out.

Try to talk to your daughter as you would talk to any other adult (she's made the move to live as an adult),
try to keep your motherly worry out of it,
try not to faint dead away when she tells you the latest appalling thing she's been doing.

not that any 16-year-old girl would tell her mother appalling things to make that mother faint dead away...

Sometimes I think it's almost a rite of passage, a coming-of-age thing, today, that young people do something destructively, flagrantly out of character.

It's like they see adulthood looming & they're compelled to make one last grand demonstration of rebelliousness, like they can't go on with their lives until they've flounced out of their parents' home & slammed the door & moved in with boyfriend/girlfriend, smoked dope, quit school, etc.

Then, having tried it & realized that it's not what they want for their future, they come back, *if* their parents haven't blown the whole thing up so that they can't come back without feeling like they're capitulating.

I'm betting that if that daughter who escaped from her bedroom decided that she didn't like sleeping on the floor & eating out of styrofoam & having to do all the chores for a whole household of idle people, she'd have felt unable to go back to her mother;
it would have been admitting defeat, it would have been capitulation.

I wish you the best.

Yes it is illegal for a 20-year old to have a sexual relationship with a 16-year old. You can force her to come home, and that might buy you some time, but it could make the situation worse. Keep trying to talk to her, and try to not make it a fight because that does absolutely no good. Ask her where she wants to be in 4 years, sometimes that's a wake up call to kids who are on the wrong path. Forcing them to think about where their choices will lead them, can force them to make some changes. Also, if there is another relative that she is close to, ask them for help. Teenagers tend to listen to just about anyone but their parents. Sorry you're going through this, I hope she wakes up soon.

This post was edited by Karen10125 on Tue, Sep 2, 14 at 14:28

I sympathize with you. Your daughter is out of control. Her 20 yr old boyfriend is setting himself up to be on the sex offenders list. I would not want my daughter living on the streets at this age. I would be looking for a place that can take her away from these circumstances.

A link that might be useful.

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/01/10/20100110edchallenge0110.html

Make sure she is taking contraceptives, adding a baby to the mix, would be awful.

Sometimes, we just have to let them go.

Make sure she is safe (as much as you can) and let her know that you love her, and your door is always open.

Develop lots of patience !

I know, that I always imagined the worst, with my children. But now, after many years of stress, I have developed wisdom.

I realized that I had done the best job I could do, in instilling good values into them, and that is the best any parent can do really.

I feel for you, it is not an easy situation.

I wonder what is happening now, she is probably home, and back at school, working hard ?