reconnecting with estranged adult 'children'
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16 years ago
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beanotfuddled
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatbear_tx
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See MoreEstrangement from adult child
Comments (166)I also stated just those words when my 5 children were small. My oldest was only 14 at the time and I was speaking with a neighbor and she told me she had not had contact with one of her son's for years. I was genuinely shocked. I did not know of such a horrific thing. Could that truly be? Nah, would never happen to me and my kids, NEVER. My eyes teared up as she spoke as I thought of my 3 sons and 2 daughters in a situation like that. I would just stop living and die for sure. Well, funny thing is life. My oldest son is now 27 in August and I have not had any contact with him since Sept. 26.2009. Almost 6 years. Guess what? I was right, I did die. My youngest son say's that mom must of died when West left. He saw it all, they all did. I did not cope well. I still have days and nights that are endless and unbearable. I can be strong for so long and not even think of him for months then a song on the radio or a tv show he liked, or one of my kids asks for me to cook a recipe that was his favorite and Im shattered like the day he left. I hope people do not judge, but yield to the notion that it can happen to anyone. Any parent. He was the one I always had time for, the one I watched sleep in his crib for 2 years just to look upon him. So beloved. My favorite person on this Earth. Even today. My good friend. I was shocked when I stumbled upon this thread. Each post speaks from my mouth, each tear falls from my eye. We are the same broken mommy. I will say, the one technique that saved me and my other children is Shunning. It is the only way. I stole or borrowed it I should say from the Jehovah's Witness neighbor that I have few homes down. It works for me. I feared all these years of my reaction to him coming back, calling , writing, bumping into him in public. I feared that my mommy instinct would be my downfall . I felt vulnerable and I did not want my family put through anymore of my sons psychopathy. I will never be a victim again. Shunning keeps everyone safe emotionally and physically for it will not allow me to respond to anything in any way. It is the only way. I worry that my love for him would leave me open to danger and to fall for his smooth ways just to be harmed in some way or my kids. Just cannot give him the benefit of the doubt ever. SHUNNING. I can sleep at night now. Less and less I think of him and those incredible 21 years I had in his presence. He is fading away now in my mind. We do not speak his name. Removed all photos and items of his. It feels like I never had that one child almost. It feels better this way, so odd but true. I could give a long story, but this is long enough. Just wanted to say I did not know so many mom's go through this crap too. And this is some crap boy, It rips you in half and you die. But through shunning, I have a hopeful future ahead, me and my 4 other children who love me and need me and don't want their brother to ever come back. they say "I miss Weston, but I don't miss all the stuff". The stuff, gosh there was A LOT of stuff. I tell them..."me too"....See MoreQuestions for estranged adult offspring
Comments (4)Hgtvme, thank you SO very much for chiming in! Your fair and objective assessment of your sister/niece situation parallels my experience. Hats off for taking a stand, introducing some healthy boundaries. I lived overseas for over eight years, and visits to my parents/sibs were expensive and exhausting. I arrived laden with gifts, often did heavy much-needed cleaning projects, drove siblings to and from school, private lessons, practice. Yet the parents didn't have the grace or self-control to act like decent neutral adults while I was there. Young siblings would tell me how much she complained to everyone about me, cautiously ask if I really hated her that much. Hello? Grow up and leave the kids OUT of it; be an adult and work to resolve the conflict, find solutions. Except, noooooooo. They're just like hgtvme's sister. I'm so glad to hear, hgtvme, that you protected your kids from that mess. A few days ago, I paid a hefty international forwarding-service fee to receive mail from my parents, who keep on writing to my old address on another continent. Respecting my request for no contact was too much to ask of them. Mother's note mentioned telling someone _she'd_ _just_ _met_ (!?!!) about how distant I am now and about me calling the rescue squad 20 years ago when she was hemorrhaging. She closed with, "I miss the you that loved me + I will never be able to, or want to, get over it. Your wannabe friend" She deserves credit for digging deep to find something nice to say about me that doesn't involve material gifts. One of her compliments once was about looking around and seeing reminders of my value everywhere. Like half her wardrobe. If she thinks material contribution is my value ...heaven help us all. Never mind that anyone would call for help even for an arch enemy, or that by that point she'd long since crushed all affection I'd felt for her as a child. She came up with something not about stuff, and that's a real stretch for her. The "friendship" she wants from me would involve tolerating her outbursts and attacks, giving her gifts, writing checks, taking her out to lunch and shopping, all the while _never_ expressing anything about myself or my own interests, as that causes her to shut down, feel tired. She's blocked in her own pain, engulfed by her late mother etc. For years, I "did the right thing." But she's like the scorpion who can't resist stinging. Other choice phrases of hers include: "When are you going to arrive back in my life?" "When is your cold shoulder going to warm up?" "It feels like you're older than I am." "You're just bitter and want any excuse to avoid a relationship." In her world, there's zero connection between her rejecting, demeaning, using behavior since I was small and my choice of distance. Everything comes from outside herself. Her wishes MUST be fulfilled; denial of this, drawing of boundaries is an assault out of nowhere. It's truly a mystery to her. She must sense that all chance of contacting me is nearing an end, if she's writing in a positive (for her!) tone and expressing appreciation for something non-material. That's _huge_! But I know the routine: as soon as I'm back within her grasp, the snark begins again. The turning people against me hasn't stopped and won't, as she doesn't see it as such. It went on even when I was calling regularly to let them talk, visiting as often as possible, writing often, giving them more than I could reasonably afford. Kissing up "for the sake of the greater good" (shudder!) is no longer an option. hgtvme, if you have a chance to leaf through past threads, it may become clearer that Silversword's mum has some issues consistent with a diagnosable personality disorder. As far as I can tell just from reading, Silversword has already given her mother myriad generous chances to clear the air. Asking S's mum to participate in honest solution-finding is like asking a toddler to drive a truck cross-country. She'd agree to do it and she'd sincerely want the positive outcome, but just doesn't have it in her or even any idea what it entails. That's my take anyhow, open to correction by Silversword. You both sound like a warm, loving, accepting, healthfully protective mothers; I'm hoping to process my own pain and move on so I'll be more and more like that. Not sure where my parenting currently falls... PsMum...See MoreEstranged Adult children
Comments (39)I am the mother of a son who is 34. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young. His father and I divorced when he was almost 3. It was just he and I until I remarried when he was 11. I have always been there for my son. He was very active and is very bright, but could not focus very well in school. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. He was never aggressive. He did attend college for a year, but dropped out. No one is perfect. I made mistakes, but I have always loved my son and really tried to be a loving and caring mom. He was very immature, but around 30 years old I saw him begin to mature. Every time we talked on the phone he would end each conversation with "I love you Mom". He has had a girlfriend for about the last 4 years. I have never interfered with his choices of friends since he's been grown. I will be honest here. I'm not very fond of his girlfriend. She has a lot of issues. She was abandoned by her mother when she was a baby and I don't think she got much love from her stepmother. She is very domineering and moody. With all honesty I can say I have never said an unkind word to her. I have shown her kindness. I took care of her daughter for 9 days (who was 11 years old) when she and my son went on vacation. They didn't give the child any money nor did she thank us when they returned. I bought her daughter (who likes to paint) brushes, paint, drawing pads, etc. and was glad to do it. I know I'm getting pretty wordy, but I need to vent. Their relationship has been rocky. My son would come home after a fight until I told him that he could not continue to run home every time they had a fight. I told him he had to decide - either he would be with her or not. This was a couple of years ago. I thought things had improved in their relationship. I never ask about their relationship. They are grown. Eight months ago she called me and told me she was pregnant. I admit my first reaction was one of concern. I didn't know if they were getting along or not. However, she assured me they were doing fine and I told her I was very happy for them. Everything was going fine until about a week later I got a call from my son asking me to come pick him up he was moving out. I told him I couldn't drop every thing at that very moment but if he was sure I would come as soon as I could. Well that wasn't good enough for him. If I couldn't come at that instant than not to bother and he hung up on me. Well he went to say with his biological father (first time ever) for about a week and then returned to his girlfriend. He did call me and apologized. Since then I have had several conversations with his girlfriend about having a baby shower. Then all of a sudden the calls stopped. My son has not called me since the apology. I called and emailed and no one returned my calls. Finally, I called my son's job and he asked the receptionist to ask me if it was an emergency. I said no and to tell him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He never called back. Then I received an email from his girlfriend telling me that there was no need for ME to call their jobs. I had called her job before to talk about the baby shower or just to say hi. I admit I was upset and emailed her back and told her I would call my son's job, his cell or his home if I was concerned about him. I said that being a mother I was sure she could understand my concern. She wrote back and said as a mother should would not handle a non-emergency situation the way I had. This made no sense to me because I hadn't heard from either of them so how did I know what had happened. She also told me the baby shower had been postponed. This was about 2 weeks before it was suppose to take place. When I had called and left messages about the shower she didn't even bother to call me back. So this is where we are now. Oh yes, she sent me sonogram pictures of the baby. The only thing she said was here are pictures of your grandson. I have not called my son since he never returned any of my calls. I have not sent any more emails. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I could have said. If I am asked for advice or an opinion, I give it. One of the last conversations I had with the girlfriend she raised a couple of concerns about my son. I told her I could understand her concerns. I don't know what she has said to him and I'm beginning to think she could have told him anything. My son has never treated me like this before and I am at lost to understand it. Some days I am really sad because (as I use to tell him) I miss his face....See Moreamyfiddler
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