I;m so glad I found this forum today. I lost my beautiful son Brian just over 3 months ago. he died Nov. 22nd 08 it was just after midnight and he was driving his date home when he was hit head on by @#$% showing of his car. Brian was only 18 years old and I am so devastated!!! he had just graduated high school only 5 months earlier. He had everything in the world going for him. His date lindsey is recorvering well, I would say thank god but i no longer believe. my son died saving her life.the police said Brian did everything he could to get off the road without crashing into this huge wooden planter. he could have gone off the road and he might have lived but she surly would have died. the @#$%ing monster still hasn't been arrested and i am so full of rage and sadness. I am married to my high school sweet heart Ricky we have 4 surviving kids Jenny age 26 Rick age 23 Rose age 17 Was 16 when it happened John age 15 was14 when it happened rose and John just had birthdays and all I could think was that one day they will be older than Brian. My husband and I were so heartbroken we couldn't even help plan his funeral. My daughter did everything. and I know she did the best she could but I feel more should have been done. over 600 people came to his wake.It was like a horrible blurry dream. I really can't remember much. It was so over whelming. all these people, alot I didn;t even know all wanted to hug me and express ther condolenses even his kindergarden teacher was there. and I promised Brian I would not embarress him so kept my "game face" on but the whole time I just wanted to scream my head off. Brian was the kind of person who made friends everywhere he went. I'm glad with all my heart he was so loved but I'm still freaked out It was so over whelming. I still can't leave my house. I feel like everyone is staring at me. I know they're not. I never went back to work. It's only been a few months but I feel so bad. I hate laughing i feel so guilty that every time I have a "good day" i just punish myself for the next few days. We buried Brian the day befor thanks giving. His birthday was the day before xmas eve. I wanted him cremated because I can not bear to think of his beautiful face rotting in that box. his father brothers and sisters refused. I have not visited his grave since valentines day and i told my husband i'm never going there again. his grave is covered with dead frozen flowers stuffed animals letters pictures and un opened xmas and birthday presents it looks like a garbage dump. people say the stupidest things like what a nice gadrden he'll have. I can't dig in the soil knowing my little boy is in there. I no longer believe in god My son was such a great kid. he was all boy. If there is a god why my son?!!! why not the @#$% that did this to him. and why isn't he aressted? He had 3 other kids in his car( the @#$%) all including him were in the hospital for weeks one boy(not sure if this is a roumer) is in a wheelchair for life. and all the roumers are so @#$% crazy. I'm sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to .my so called friends don;t understand. I still can;t talk on the phone. I spend my days all alone crying. I know Brian would not want me to be this way but i just can;t stop. Thanks for listening to a mothers broken heart. Laura i'm sorry if i sound crazy but i am so lost.

I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know.

The above advice is all good. Your daughter is at an age where, if there is a perceptual or educational problem, she's got time to learn to deal with it before she gets to jr or sr. high when her workload will be much greater. Tally Sue is absolutely right in suggesting that telling her 'not' to be embarrassed is probably going to have the opposite effect. I personally would be forthright and honest and say that we're trying to find a way to make learning and studying as easy as possible for her. Now, may I address your comments about your school systems. If you feel your schools aren't providing good quality education, start making noise--let your governor, legislature, county freeholders, local officials and school board know they're falling down on the job. Get other parents and the newspapers involved in your fight. Every child should have access to a high quality, FREE education, in my opinion. Children who have (or may have) learning problems should have adequate free testing available and the public school system should be providing the appropriate help for them. High expectations, yes, but not impossible. In my state, most public school systems are academically way ahead of the private ones. The public schools all have child study teams who are qualified to identify and treat problems. If a school system doesn't have the right class for a child who needs extra help, it's their responsibility to send that child to a school that does--and the public school pays the tuition and provides transportation. If your state is doing less, you have a right to demand they improve what's offered. If our children aren't properly educated, where will we be as a country? Sorry about that--I'll step down off my soap box now.

With respect to whether or not the counselor could testify in court...who was the identified patient? If it was your sister, she could give her permission to/release the counselor from the required confidentiality agreement; however, if your XBIL was the identified patient, he would have to grant that permission, and I doubt he would. If your niece is the identified patient, well...she is legally still a minor, therefore the parent(s) would have to grant permission for the records to be released. Since legally they still have joint custody & it was a "family" session, I would imagine your XBIL would have to agree...again, I doubt he would do that. The counselor could get herself into a world of hurt (meaning your XBIL could bring an ethics complaint against her) if she were to testify in court without his permission. The only time a therapist is compelled to testify or bring a record is under a court order from a judge. A subpoena won't do...a therapist can get their hind-end sued if they do that...the law varies some from state to state but there is an entire body of case law on this and generally the state legislatures are aware of the various court decisions from state to state and take these rulings into account when drafting legislation. For example, there was a famous case in California that resulted in the "Tarasoff" rule and virtually every state in the union addresses this issue in the law, i.e., if a client makes a threat of physical harm against an identifiable person, the therapist is bound by law to warn that person of the potential threat of harm. It is known as "duty to warn." There is similar case law that has been codifed with respect to records and confidentiality...if the counselor in your case testifies without an order from the court, she may be opening herself up to substantial liability. She really should check with folks at her state licensing board before she does anything....she could testify for your sister, get sued by your XBIL and ultimately end up hurting your sister's and your niece's position. By the way, I would worry about a counselor who is unable to maintain professional distance and cries in the session. It is possible to be fully empathic with respect for someone's pain while still managing to not feel that pain as your own...professional boundaries are incredibly important therapeutically in the counseling process...her tears would be a red flag to me... Hopefully, KKNY is correct in her response, that at 17 y/o, a judge would simply listen to and respect your niece's wishes in the matter. Good luck to them.