Conversing with my parents

16 years ago

Hello,

I am 46 year old male and I don't think I have ever? had a deep personal conversation or relationship with my parents. I am way closer to some friends that I rarely see and know.

Over the last 10 years I have been trying to develop a positive relationship with my parents and talk to them in a closer way. But nothing seems to work.

When ever we talk all of our conversations consist of the following four questions. (They live 10 hours away)

When they call they ask me. 1. How am I. 2. How is the weather. 3. What is the price of gas. 4. How my car is running.

Once those questions are asked and answered both ways. My Dad says, "Your Mom wants to talk to you" And She says "Well there is nothing going on around here" and the conversation winds to an end.

Now I have tried everything. Remember this is over a lifetime. I don't want to fill in all of the details or it will go on for pages. But most of ideas that quickly pop into your mind I have tried.

I am ready to just give up and answer the questions and never really know these people. But if there is some way to make contact I want to do it, before it is too late.

Any helpful ideas or experience with this kind of situation?

Thanks very much

Mr. Uriah sky

Comments (11)

Jonesy
16 years ago
I can't help you, except to say some people just don't talk except as a means to an end, do you need gas, what do you want for supper. when my friend's children got married in the same summer, she almost had a nervous breakdown from loneliness. Her husband was there in the house, he just didn't do idle chit chat, never anything personal. When you are with your parents, observe them and see what they say to each other. Maybe your parents just don't talk. It doesn't mean they don't love you. I don't know for sure, but I think these kinds of people are also, stand offish, few hugs, little affection. Are you talkative with your friends and co workers? Quite often children have the same characteristics.
njtea
16 years ago
My parents never "talked" either. I can't remember a meaningful dinner table conversation. My poor mother always said that a family had to communicate - unfortunately, "communicate" to her meant to talk about what the neighbor's cats did that day. If you ever tried to talk to her about something important that was going on in your life, it was always met with negativity and blame.

My one thought is have you ever asked them to tell you about their childhood and their growing up years. That might pull them out.
Related Discussions
Looking for Birth Parent(s)
Q
Comments (32)
I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.
...See More
My parents are disappointed in me.
Q
Comments (23)
Wow ... I stumbled back in here on a whim, and reading this caused me to renew my membership so that I could post in this forum again! ;-) What an incredible difference TIME can make in a situation. Reading what I wrote back in August 2003, it seems almost as though a different person wrote those words. And thank goodness for that. Things are just so much different in my life now than they were then. I don't quite know where to begin, so I'll just hit the highlights: In September 2003, the man I was living with and I purchased a 1940 cottage and moved in. Parents still weren't crazy about the fact that we were "living in sin". Shortly thereafter, my 87-year old Grannie pulled my parents aside, and told them that I am the only daughter they were ever going to have, and while they did not have to like my choices, or agree with my choices, they DID have to accept my choices. Because life's just TOO damned short to be estranged from loved ones over things that, in the long run, work themselves out anyway. And that was pretty much the turning point. In early October 2003, the man I had moved in with and I met my parents for a casual lunch. The mood was light, the conversation was lively, and afterwards, my dad told my mom, "Y'know, I think I kinda LIKE that guy. He didn't seem at all like he had anything to "prove" -- no agenda or anything." We spent the holidays in the presence of my family and his. In February 2004, he and I married in the living room of our cottage, with our dear families present. There was much laughter, much love, much acceptance ... and I felt then that my life was as I'd always dreamed it would be. Fast forward to March 2005: My husband, my brother, my mom and I are all getting ready to take a much-anticipated vacation together (dad's staying at home this trip). I never dreamed that my mom would be in the same ROOM with the man I chose, much less WANT to VACATION with him, but this is what's happening. It's exciting. It's just ... good.
...See More
My brother is leeching off my parents
Q
Comments (17)
Trust me on this--this is a 'bat your head against the wall' situation. You CANNOT change your parents. You CANNOT change your brother. All you can do right now is step back, see the situation for what it is and realize that your parents are going to give this deadbeat whatever he wants, for the rest of his life, and there will be nothing for you, ever. If you speak to professionals in the field, they'll tell you it's common for parents to over and over again put the 'needs' of a deadbeat child over the good of their other children and even ahead of what's good for them (the parents). Parents will often let one child bleed them dry. And oh yes, they will from time to time go to one of their other children, complaining about the drain on their finances--BUT they rarely really want any help. And if you do attmept to push them to do the right thing--guess who will be wrong and will be on the outs with the family? You. Not only have I seen many other families go through this same scenario, but let me tell you about DH's family. His one sister has always been a taker. She's got all sorts of explanations as to why she needs money--mind you, her husband has a very high position with the government and has made 6 figures for years. Anyway, this deadbeat, over the years, has gotten her parents to pay for: her kids' braces, her cars, her appliances, new roof for her house, and dozens of other stuff. FIL and MIL used to go to DH, complaining about the drain on their finances. DH would get all upset, worried for them, and make good suggestions. They didn't want to hear anything reasonable. Eventually, that SIL finagled and got control over their finances. the stress she put FIL under killed him way too early. Then she STOLE over a quarter of a million $$$ from MIL (who by that time had Alzheimer's). Cost us $20,000 so far in forensic accounting and legal fees to stop the hemmorage of $$$$. It's been 7 years, and the case still hasn't been completely resolved. And honestly? There's no money left in the estate for the rest of the children to inherit. I don't care if I NEVER get any money from someone else's death--that's not really how I choose to make $$$, but darn it, it's grossly unfair for one child to steal the estate from the others. If I knew in my eary 20's what I understand now about these family relationships, we would NOT have allowed ourselves to be victimized the way we were. We would have walked away years ago. I know that sounds cold, but we batted our heads against the wall for 35 years, always doing the right thing, never taking a penny from anyone that wasn't ours, and none of it was appreciated. ever. I know this isn't the advice you want to hear, but truly, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to handle your own fiances responsibly. To protect them from others, and to make up your mind that if your parents choose to give away their money now, to a child who should be able to pay his own way, they ARE NOT your responsibility in the future, when they are down and out because of it. Do not feel guilty if they come to you for help later in life and you feel you need to turn them down. They made their choices, it's not up to you to pay the consequences for others mistakes, truly.
...See More
My parents are in the hospital...
Q
Comments (20)
My granny used a dish rag to wipe the counters and they had backed chicken last that day. We are wondering if there might be some cross contamination and then they are the tomato with "spots" and it sent them over the edge, belly wise. Two other people got belly aches from the chicken dinner but not as sick as my parents (total of 8 people at that meal). Thanks for the well wishes. Talked to my mom a little while ago and she is "out of it". Poor thing is still having bouts of puke and poop. My parents are across the hall from each other at the hospital (it doesn't have double rooms). My dad will holler across the hall when he wants something since my mom is sicker and needs the visitors to help with clean-up (as usual, hospital staff are over worked and have too may patients, especially for the number of times she is getting sick). When I talked to my dad, he mentioned he wanted to brush his teeth but didn't want to bother the nurse or anyone else. I got him to get my sister-in-law to the phone (she was across the hall so he was hollering, LOL). She went to the nurse's station and got him a brush and toothpaste. That was the extent of my helping but at least his teeth should not feel so "fuzzy" now!
...See More
lindac
16 years ago
I would call them with a question...
Do you have a sister? Kids? s Dog? Something that you need to ask about.
I suspect you are no better at "communicating" than they are.
Linda C
sweeby
16 years ago
Do you have any kids? That's always something to talk about. And I really like the idea of asking them about their childhoods, or about yours, for that matter. Some of our best conversations have been when I've asked my parents to tell my children about something that happened a long time ago.

Along a similar vein -- Since you're 46, it's possible your parents are getting up there and may be coming to terms with their own mortality. If you're interested, you could tell them that you're trying to write down some informal family history to pass along to future generations, and what could they tell you about ___.

Both of my parents wrote their memoires several years ago, and they're wonderful reads! I can hear both of their voices so clearly...
workoutlady
16 years ago
I think the questions first have to come from you. I like the idea of asking them about their childhood. You could tell them that you read something and ask if they remember it. I also have a very hard time talking to my father, it was fine with my mom when she was alive. I know way more about her life than my father's. Also, if either has siblings you could talk to them about their childhoods so you have something to ask your parents about. It's a thougt. It may never get any better but I hope it does.
popi_gw
16 years ago
Hi there Mr U Sky

Its a curious situation you are in. I am the same age as you, and I can understand your predicament.

I think I had the same problem with my parents, at the end of my mum's life, I used to visit, and we would talk about the same things each time ! I think older people like to talk about their past, so I think if you embark on a project of asking them about their childhood etc etc, you would be achieving two things.

I also used to wonder if my mother just was not capable of understanding what was happening in my life, so in the end I just did not bother talking about the details. I really felt my visits where just about making her happy, and talking about only a few topics that brought a smile to her face.

You would be opening up a plethora of conversational topics, and you would have it all documented, so 20 years down the track, you would always know the answer to questions that will come up. Its really nice to know the family history like that, especially if you have children who want to know.

I think you are a real champion thinking about all this, and trying to improve communication with your parents. Its shows you are a caring person.

Let us know how you get on.

Popi
enjoyingspring
16 years ago
When you live so far away I can see how your parents find it difficult to communicate. You are not part of their lives anymore, it is difficult to have a meaningful relationship when there is such a distance between you. They don't know any of your friends, what you do day to day.

Unfortunately this happens when children decide to move away from home and start a life elsewhere, they lose contact with their relatives.
klimkm
16 years ago
If you are interested at all in your genealogy, you may want to get them to talk about that. It is very interesting and it is something that you may wish you brought up while they were alive - once they are gone.

Make sure you write it down though. I did and I am now the family historian since I was the only one to have the foresight to have done this. Now with the help of the Internet. genealogy sites, your public library, etc. I have traced the ancestries of most of our family lines to the 1700-1800s and am in contact with many distant relatives across the country.

The older folks love to talk about their ancestry that's for sure.
dirt_yfingernails
16 years ago
I am guilty of that with my grown kids. I am not a good conversationalist, can never think of anything to say.
lindac
16 years ago
I am feeling just a little "slammed"....my daughter is 48 and my son 46....and I do believe they would both say there is no communication problem...but for the fact that sometimes I neglect to tell one or the other when I will be taking a trip.
You know communication is a 2 way street....you talk they reply and vice-versa.
Call and ask...
"Mom? Do you remember that summer when we went to Lake Whatsis? Who were those people we met at the boat ramp? The ones with the 3 kids? I was trying to think and couldn't remember."
Ask them something that needs a reply!
Linda C.
mumnconnie1
16 years ago
I have the opposite problem. I wish I were YOUR Mum. I'd be so happy you even cared to talk to me! My son is ALWAYS here for me in an emergency, but ya have to be ill or it's Christmas to get a visit. I am so proud of the man he has become and I love my DIL to the moon. I am in no way intrusive in their lives....however, I look around me and am jealous of my friends whose sons drop in once a week or call occasionally just to check in. Keep saying "Hello In There" to them....maybe they are simply trying not to make you think they are being too personal?

Conversing with my parents

Comments (11)

Jonesy

njtea

Related Discussions

lindac

sweeby

workoutlady

popi_gw

enjoyingspring

klimkm

dirt_yfingernails

lindac

mumnconnie1

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US