Sleepovers! We must have had a thousand of them. And I chaperoned scout, youth group and Sunday school sleepovers. My advice is different depending on whether or not the problem really is that the girl has trouble following rules. Kids who have trouble following rules have trouble in more ways than just asking to go home from a sleepover. If this girl has trouble following rules then I'd encourage my daughter to expand her circle of friends. Sooner or later your daughter will get tired of that behavior and she will want to go places with friends who fit in more easily. If this is just a phase then the parents will be seeing these issues in other areas and are probably working on it themselves.

However, in my home this was never the case when a child wanted to leave a sleepover. Homebodies are homebodies. If that's the issue then this is a GREAT time to help your daughter understand that this is not about her, it's about her friend. There is a balance kids need to walk between compassion and self protection. What does that look like for your daughter? Does she want to always invite other girls too so some girls will stay all night or does she want to invite this friend only knowing the friend will go home? What do you and your daughter think is fair re disrupting the family at night? I finally had to tell my daughter that her friend needed to decide by midnight, because the commotion at 2:00am was getting to be too much.

Keep in mind that we never know what these kids are going through. My daughter's friend who constantly went home or canceled plans eventually got medications for her anxiety. My daughter went through a growth process learning to move forward with her own social life while still making time for her friend.

Lights out and quiet time for teens for home sleepovers. Different parents have different rules and opinions. To me, tweens are a bit old for that. This is a time to move them toward the teenage years. They resent being treated like first graders. When my kids were tweens the rules were don't wake up dad and sibling and don't be grouchy the next day. You can have all sorts of consequences if they wake others up. They can cook you breakfast in bed. They can clean your bathroom or wash your car. They can learn your college fight song and sing it for your Facebook page. They can serenade you with let it go from frozen. But if you keep your lights out and quiet time that way is not wrong, it is just a different way than mine. Your house your rules.

Also I would caution you to be very careful about telling your daughter her friend has trouble following rules. If you can ask her questions and help her figure it out for herself that would be best. And you never know what's really going on. In middle school I read Salem's Lot and I was scared of the dark, particularly away from home. I would have died before I told anybody.

You might also get creative about finding ways the girls can be a little noisy and not wake everybody up. It doesn't get better as they get older. They come in late from jobs, dates, band trips and swim meets. We let ours camp out in the yard, sleep in the farthest room in the house and used noisy fans in our rooms for white noise.

My oldest is 25 and we still have the occasional visitor crashing on the couch. Enjoy these beautiful days with your daughter and good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you, Daisyinga. That was very helpful indeed. It definitely explained some behaviors such as refusal to turn lights off etc. I may be asking them to do things that they think are "baby-ish". And you are right, it may be more about being a homebody and not about rules themselves.

We did talk with our child quite a bit after the past incident and (hopefully) she understands now that it's not about her.

Also, as you correctly guessed, other children are already starting to avoid doing anything with this kid, and our child is one of the few who is not going to this extreme. We do not know for sure if it's diplomacy or being a soft, push-over personality, and we are concerned about the latter. I understand the value in her figuring it out herself but am concerned about being a push-over, and further, because of my own personality (I am a type-A), it becomes hard for me to see the power dynamic play in a way that perceptibly puts my child in a receiving spot. I should also add that my kid is the only child, so we are very concerned about her becoming co-dependent on friendships (once again, drawn from personal experiences). Any thoughts on this?

Thanks again!

This post was edited by homey_bird on Wed, Aug 6, 14 at 14:04

I have two girls ages 12 and 14 with pretty active social lives.

I have seen "best friends" come and go. It usually breaks my heart more than theirs.

Back when my oldest's "best friend" was 10 or 11, she would consistently call her mother to pick her up whenever she was at a sleep-over at our house. Usually, with little explanation other than she feels like going home. It put my DD into hysterics (what's wrong with me???). I finally put my foot down and said she can come over for a late-over, but not sleep over.

By this age, you CAN"T pick their friends, but you can encourage to invite other girls over too. Chances are, they will naturally drift away from eachother over time.

Thank you, stir_fryi. I am curious as to what happens to the social life of these kids who easily break other kids' hearts.
I guess socially they do alienate themselves.

Anyway, taking the thread ahead, one solution suggested regarding this situation was to always host sleepovers at her place (my child loves going to friends' houses for sleepovers) - so both kids can be happy.

I have a few concerns about this, primarily because I think there are certain benefits in hosting the sleepover yourself, inspite of all the work. So I am not sure if this is a good idea. Any thoughts on this one? In general, are there any benefits for parents and kids in being hosts during a sleepover?

Thanks again!

This post was edited by homey_bird on Sun, Aug 10, 14 at 2:20

Girls who won't stay overnight don't necessarily shoot themselves in the foot. The young woman who was homecoming queen and senior class president in one of my kids' classes refused to sleepover at other girls' homes. She'd stay late but always come home. She was funny, smart, athletic, friendly and nice. My daughter's friend who went home had friends. Kids grow and change a lot between fifth grade and twelfth grade. Some of the shy girls become social, some of the social girls become the walking wounded.

Without knowing the girls and parents it's hard to give advice about insisting your daughter host the sleepovers sometimes. Pushing my daughter was like pushing a rope or nailing jello to a tree. I had to pick my battles wisely. Also if you are type a and your daughter is more of a people pleaser or has a softer personality you may roll right over her without realizing it. It's so much easier to tell them what to do until one day that stops working.

It is very nice to be the one hosting sleepovers. But if the other girl doesn't want to come she will resent you and your daughter may, too. What you really want, probably, is to know your daughter's friends. You don't hav to host the sleepovers to do that. You can take them shopping, out to eat, be the driver when they go places.

I always loved having the kids at my house and usually we were the hosts. Definitely I see benefits. But it works way better if they want to come rather than if that's the only choice. Be careful with tweens that you don't turn something that's not a powerful struggle into one -not with your daughter and not with this other girl.

I'd do what stir fry suggested - encourage her to invite other girls and encourage friendships with other girls.

i agree with the not to make noise. But as with the lights out, they are kids. Let them stay up and have fun just as long as they keep the noise to a minimum. They will go to bed when they are tired. When i was at home with my family even when i was 18 my mother still made me go to bed at 11pm. I hated it. Let them make some decisions on their own so they wont be so eager to grow up and leave!

When my DD was of sleepover age, I would announce at bedtime that "if I have to get up to ask you guys to be quiet, we will _not_ be having waffles for breakfast". Worked every time :-)