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empty nest
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Posted by finedreams (My Page) on Mon, Jul 30, 07 at 17:11
Hi everybody,
I wonder what suggestions people have on overcoming pain of empty nest syndrom. My only daughter starts college in London UK (University of London). yeap. It was a long thought decision to go. She went a little earlier to settle before school year starts so she is already gone as of this week.
I am single and am close to my daughter. As she is to me. she is also close to her grandparents. We overall are a close family.
I do struggle with her being far away, I went to grocery shopping and had hard time not to cry loudly, it just hit me that I do not have a child at home anymore. Of course she will come here and I will go there, but she is not home anymore.
Awfully sad...I am a cry baby to begin with, but now my eyes are red all the time. Any suggestions on coping strategies?
Thank you
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Follow-Up Postings:
RE: empty nest
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| Finedreams, Giving her wings was a gift. You should be proud. The sadness will lessen.....stay busy and repeat after me....."This is the beginning of a brand new life for both of us".....Smile. You did good!! |
RE: empty nest
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| Your job of raising her to be an adult is done... congratulations! What do YOU want to do now?
What interests do you have? |
RE: empty nest
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| Thanks for kind words. I do have my own interests and am pretty busy. I am a school teacher (children with disabilities)and am also currently working on my Master's degree. I also am an artist involved in art scene in my area (exhibit in art shows and am involved in local art society and other things to go with it). Plus I have a family close by. I am not overly involved or overly attached parent I always had my own life going on. I frankly did not think i would feel this sad about her leaving. i do not feel prepared.
Thank you for helpful encouragement |
RE: empty nest
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| First of all...give yourself a little time to feel empty. Then give yourself the rest of your life to rejoice in what a wonderful job you did to allow your daughter to become independent. It takes time to overcome the sadness of the empty nest, allow yourself to feel it. You need to grieve. Soon enough you will find yourself waiting for your alone time when she comes home to visit (turely it does happen!) Vickey-MN |
RE: empty nest
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A child going on to college is not a cause to grieve! perhaps feel nostalgic at a passing era, but not, certainly grief!
All her life your job has been to raise her to be a responsible adult. Sounds like you have done that very well! Rejoyce in a job well done!....and like Arnie said "She'll be back!". And won't you have fun then!
Linda C |
RE: empty nest
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| The difinition of grief...The normal process of reacting to a loss. That is what finedreams is suffering right now..a loss...the loss of the life she had with her daughter. Not a HUGE loss like the death of her daughter, but a small loss none the less. We all grieve many times in our lives that has nothing to do with death. Loss of jobs, health, partners to divorce. This is no different. That is the basis for Empty Nest Syndrom. The loss of a lifestyle parents are use to. They grieve and then learn to go on. Lindac is correct that it isn't a time to grieve, but parents do grieve. Some more than others. So now finedreams you will find that your life changes, evolves and grows in new ways with your daughter and without. Ways you've never dreamed of. You're on a new adventure with her. Have fun and enjoy. Vickey-MN |
RE: empty nest
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| thank you, good thoughts. I certainly don't think it is the end of the world but I just wondered if other people have helpful advice, and you all sure did. I think problem comes from the fact that she is my only kid and I won't have more kids and I am single and she goes to college overseas so i can't just come and go all the time.anyways, life goes on |
RE: empty nest
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| Oh Finedreams I know exactly how you feel. I had to say good-bye to my DD (19), this time last year. I live in Sydney and she was going off to New Jersey, a world away. I held it together up until that immigration point, at the airport, where they go through the door and down a passage. I sobbed and she sobbed, and it was like a death, really. The trip home was just aweful. I have tears now as I type this ! But I survived, she survived. We talked via skype, most days, she had some rough times, with this and that. I sent her parcels of chocolate biscuits called Tim Tams, and many tubes of Vegemite. I also send her a little card, like a credit card size, that she could keep in her wallet, saying stuff like she is loved no matter where she is, so she could pull it out and think of that. I think I also sent her a tiny koala, to remind her of home. I found comfort sending her those things. I think the reality was, that she loved it and made some lovely friends, who she travelled to different parts with, up to Canada as well, so she was very busy the whole time. Now she is back, and still not living at home, because she lives on-campus at university. I still have my son at home, so that does take my mind of the inevitable empty nest reality. I think as days go past, you will find it easier for you, and you must keep busy. Try to set up a chat program on your computer so you can talk often. Look forward to the visits. I did hear on the radio, a mother who's son had just moved to England, she was in Sydney. Funny thing is, she ordered his food from a local supermarket, near where he lived, because in that way she could make sure he was eating properly. This boy was 24 ! I thought that was rather funny. But a nice idea I think. Perhaps you could order something nice and have it delivered to her, some flowers, maybe. And then go and buy yourself some ! Hugs. POPI |
RE: empty nest
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| Thank you Popi! I see, you are in Australia. I am in Michigan, US. Oh it is too funny, he is 24, and mom buys groceries, no I won't buy groceries for her, she can figure that out herslef. haha :) But it is a good idea to send stuff to remind her of home. I will do that. thanks again!!! |
RE: empty nest
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| You'll be fine, Finedreams, hang in there ! P |
RE: empty nest
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| I know exactly how you feel. Two years ago my daughter graduated from University in geology and found a job in the "Gobi Desert" in Mongolia. She is on the other side of the world. I still have not got over it, I miss her so much and I find that the longer she is away, the less you have in common and talk about when we do speak to each other. She has found new friends and interests in her job. When my 2 girls were growing up I never dreamed that I would suffer from Empy nest syndrom but I do, "big time". I have friends and other interests, but she is my daughter and I miss her, plain and simple. I miss the daily contact we had, just not the same. |
RE: empty nest
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| First of all, she's going to college, not moving away. She'll probably be coming home for visits--holidays, summers, etc. Secondly--it's quite common these days--for children to 'boomerang'. The first 'leaving', from my experience, rarely takes. Most seem to pop back home for a shorter or longer time at some point. All my dd's friends have been back to live home for a while. Especially when they're starting their entry-level jobs, they need an economical place to stay--where better than Mom's Famous Boarding House, right? Second--as a teacher, you know that the whole point of teaching or raising a child is to give them the knowledge, confidence, self-sufficiency to get by on their own. So Kudos for doing your job well! My dd is 26--just this weekend she moved out for good. Oh, she went away to school for a semester, then returned home to finish her education and get her career started. Now, she's finally in a position to buy her own home. In all honesty, it was a lot tougher seeing her leave this weekend (to move 8 miles away), than it was when she was 18 and going about 600 miles away to school. Why? By the time you survive those teen years (and they talk about the terrible 2's?)--you're ready for a break. Even the BEST teen leaves drama and exhaustion in their wake, don't they? But now? At age 26, my dd has turned into a truly lovely person who I would enjoy spending time with even if we weren't related. I'm going to miss our nightly 'catch up' sessions, seeing her dashing around in the mornings trying to get to work on time (although, I'm planning on enjoying having the bathroom to myself then--YIPPPEEEEE!). But under it all? I'm just so thrilled that she was able to buy her own house, that she is doing a great job handling the financial details, setting it up, etc. And guess what? We're invited for lunch at her place today. I'm really curious about what she's going to serve--we don't all like the same foods, she doesn't cook, and has a complicated new range to figure out. But it's going to be an interesting experience. Point here? you're starting a whole new adventure with your daughter--sit back, relax and enjoy it as you both grow and achieve a new stage of life. Oh, understand, though, I spent a good bit of Sat. morning--first morning I woke up and she wasn't here--fighting back tears. We're entitled to that. It's a passage for us all. But a good one, in the end, I think, so we'll survive and be proud of them. |
RE: empty nest
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| thanks enjoyingsprings, oh my G_d, Mongolia! It is far. I am also afraid of not having much in common if she lives that far, we are very close. I was away from my parents for 2 years in my 30s and when we finally saw each other it took us long time to reconnect. That is what scares me too...I hope your daughter can come and visit, even if Mongolia is so far away. |
RE: empty nest
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| These days its a global job market, so I think we, as parents, just have to get used to the idea that our children could be part of that rat race. The good thing is, if they are, it means they have had a good education, they are adventurous, able to take care of themselves and can certainly grow as people. I know so many people who just hop on planes and fly off around the world for work, its amazing. The only problem, for me, is Sydney is so far from everything, and it takes blooming hours to get anywhere ! But maybe thats a good thing ! POPI |
RE: empty nest
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| finedreams, I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is leaving for college in 2 weeks. The summer has gone so quickly. She is only going to be 4 hours away, but she'll still be gone, and even though she will be home for vacations, it won't be the same. I am so proud of her; she got into the college of her choice with a scholarship, but the fact is that I am going to miss her so much. I still have 2 boys at home, 16 and 14, and that helps, but I'm still dreading the day we drop her off at school. |
RE: empty nest
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My house is now empty, just having dropped off the 2 youngest at school today.
I can now hang anything I want to dry in the bathroom without snickers or comments.
I get the computer all to myself.
I don't have to worry about cooking diner, I can just eat a snack.
I don't have to jockey the cars every morning before I go to work.
Food will stay in the fridge where I put it.
The house will smell less like a locker room.
The phone will ring and it will be for me.
I can soak in the tub for as long as I want.
I can clean their bedrooms and they will stay clean.
I can finally sort through their junk and maybe toss some of it.
Now I can work more overtime to cover the costs of having 4 kids in college at the same time.
Donations welcome..............Mom |
RE: empty nest
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| Awww finedreams, How I relate to what you feel. It was less than two years that My youngest moved, and I was ready. I didn't fear the empty nest at all, I couldnt wait to welcome it and walk to the kitchen buck naked when ever I wanted after 26 years. And he only moved two doors down. And I sobbed and ached and couldnt believe what I was going thru. It absolutely was so ridiculous that I was determined not to let a soul see it. Not a chance, I teared up and acted like a weepy needy mom if I didnt see him for a whole week, oh god, it was so bad, and no one was more shocked by it than me. The only thing that has been equally hard to loose, was my freedom and comfortable routine I watched unfold when I only had myself and hubby to worry about, Life was so much easier, more peaceful and loving even. When he needed to come home, I knew it would be tough for all of, because not only did he like his independance, we liked ours too. It will get better, and like child birth you wont quite remember what it was that hurt so much, But till then it is real, so treat yourself special for a while. Laurily |
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