16 year old daughter and boyfriend
samwithnoclue
14 years ago
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tracystoke
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoasolo
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
step dad and 8 year old daughter
Comments (22)Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was....See Moreboyfriend's 16 yr old daughter
Comments (4)I can relate. I have a adult SD now 26 years old, however, when she was 17-18 years old she sounds pretty much the same as your BF 16 year old daughter. I too felt she was not learning responsibilty and that she thought money grew on trees. She often threw money away on non necessary items and daddy picked up the bill, paying her credit card bills. DH over the last 7 years has been slowly weaning SD off daddy's pocket book. SD keeps attempted to get money from daddy but lately daddy says he can lend it to her but she has to pay it back. It seems to be working. Remember she is now 26 years old. It takes time and it has been a hard 7 years for me (and DH) watching these stepkids continuely attempt to get money from daddy to pay for their fun spending. DH admits it is his fault for always just giving in and paying for everything even when he knew it was wrong or not in their best interest. I think the OP had it right when she mentioned the divorce guilt and just wanting to he a good Dad by giving out money. About the hanging on BF. Yes, my SD did the same thing and even gave DH a picture of her hanging on him for a Christmas present. I just blew it off and it has decreased over the years. SD occassionally does it now but I have noticed DH is not as comfortable with it as when she was younger. He too feels she is getting to old for this kind of behavior. DH gives her a hello or goodby hugs but the hanging on daddy has decreased. Hope this helps. Just remember you have a few years to go with this. It will not go away if you marry. I know in our pre-marriage counceling the councelor asked DH (fiance at the time) when he planned to stop financial support for SD. The councelor said I had a right to know this. DH responded after 4 years of college. I occassionally reminded DH of this. Maybe some counceling or asking BF future plans for financial support of his daughter may help you decide if you want to stay in this relationship. Good luck....See More13 year old daughter doesn't like step mother to be.
Comments (12)I wonder if your ex is not putting your daughter up to the things that she is saying. She pretty much just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't end my relationship with "some girl" that her and my relationship is in jeopardy The "some girl" comment sounds very much like the "you look like you're 16" comment that my (30 year old) sisters (6 year old) step daughter made when she (sister) got serious with "dad". It was something that SDs mom had said (trying to imply that she was too young to be with him). There is a lot of poisoning that goes on (whether intentional or not) when people split up. It seems like sometimes, even if mom moves on, she's still not willing to see dad do the same. You need to (gently) find out if the ultimatum (end it or lose me) is coming from your daughter or your ex. When my DH's ex found out that I wasn't going anywhere, she cut off all contact between DH and his two children. He hasn't seen or spoken with them in three and a half years. Is there any chance your daughter believes something like this could happen? Is there any chance that mom is telling her things like, if your dad marries her, he won't have time for you, or he'll have a new family and won't want you anymore...or you're not going to go stay with him if that 'girl' is living with him...etc.? Good Luck!! Just one other thing I'd like to comment on... Dyans World...you say My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake. Please know that I am saying this in the most heart felt way, and I mean no disrespect to your mother or 'daddy'... I don't know how old you were when your parents separated...but I know that for the past three and a half years my husbands ex has been telling his children (and anyone else who will listen) that he "didn't want them", that he "abandoned" them, even that he abused them. She has told them so many lies that these children, who used to crawl up on his lap and yell "Daddy! Daddy!" whenever they saw him, are now afraid of him, even though they wouldn't recognize him now if they saw him. (They were 1.5 and 3.5 when they were last together.) Mommy has remarried. She has the children calling her husband "Daddy" and refering to my husband, their bio father, by his first name, or as "Bad Daddy" (told to a therapist by daughter a year ago). I am fairly certain that she also tells them that it is my fault that he doesn't want to be with them, because we have a baby (their little brother, that they have never met). I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow, the depth of mourning that my husband has gone through, and still goes through when he thinks of his two children. They are so close to us, only five minutes away, yet they could as easily be in another country. We do not even know what they look like. I have cried, both with my husband, and for him, for the pain that he faces every day, and because of the knowledge of what his children, whom he loves very much, are being raised to think of him. We have been fighting, through the lawyers, for three and a half years, with no success, because we cannot give up, but in my heart I know that if we don't get to reestablish the relationship in the next five years, they will be lost to us. They are being so thoroughly poisoned against their dad. He has been vilified... that if they reach the age where they can tell the courts whether or not they want to go (around 12 or 13) before they get to know the loving, wonderful man that their father really is, they will never get to know him, and we will lose them forever. I mean no disrespect to your mom. And I'm not trying to downplay the significant role of the Daddy who raised you along side your mother, but sometimes things aren't what they seem. If you haven't heard your bio dad's side, from him, then can I please encourage you to try to contact him? You may find that this stranger, who left so long ago, has loved you and thought of you and mourned the loss of your relationship all this time. If that's true, try not to feel that he gave up on you...the courts are so biased against fathers...I know that it is such an emotionally draining battle...every letter from the lawyer is like a knife in the heart, when they tell you that you cannot see your children, and many people say, "Just let go" "Move on" or tell them that if they keep fighting for access they're just causing more turmoil for their kids "they're better off, if you just leave it alone" "they've adjusted to their new life" "you'll only upset them more". My husbands ex took the children and left, got a new beau, married him, and is trying to make her new "perfect family" with him, and writing out the past...and my husband with it. If you go and find your dad, you will never have the relationship you could have had, if you'd grown up with him in your life...the memories of our childhoods impact our bonds...but you still have the option to build a relationship from this point on. Somewhere out there, there may be a man who loves you and misses you, to this day. Kind thoughts. Verena...See Moreboyfriends teenage daughter
Comments (17)Because the situation has some extreme aspects to it, I can see your frustration over what sounds like an extreme discrepancy between the way the kids are treated. I'm sure that it must be hard to watch, and there are no easy answers for how to make things fair... because the kids in general have had very different lives and experiences and continue to do so. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges, and that's what makes the 'fairness' hard to determine. I agree that your husband should cut back a bit on the buying of luxuries, and he certainly shouldn't buy them every time she asks for one, and certainly not on command in general... But I also see where you and your bio-kids have to adjust your thinking a bit too. First of all, the following thinking needs to be adjusted: "he loves and cares about he more than he does us and that is painful to have him put first when i am demented in thinking we were here first.." Because actually, your Sd was there first. Not saying that this automatically means each and every time that she has to be "first' on everything, but her existence is a fundamental point of fact that you seem to be mis-perceiving. Also "i wouldnt have chosen a man with children because i didnt ever want my children or me to be second to someone elses children...but here i am..and here she is..." Well, you very much DID choose a man with a child: another fundamental fact which you seem to be ignoring. Finally, you mentioned that it upsets you to see your husband providing for his daughter her b/c he doesn't provide for you in that exact manner. But the thing is, not only is she his minor child, but she is also a minor child that he DIDN'T provide ANYTHING for for the vast majority of her life. So yes, a certain amount of this is making up for that past irresponsibility and neglect. Clearly not in an ideal way, but he at least is trying to own up to his paretal responsibilities to her in SOME way now. But as everyone has noted, of course this can create other problems. Namely how your children perceive the situation. The only thing I can suggest as to how to address it with them is by an honest explanation incorporating some real-life lessons about: the fact that life doesn't always treat everyone exactly equal in exactly the same ways at the exact same times because we all have different lives; the fact that people make mistakes but that the right thing to do is to address those mistakes and make amends like your husband is doing; and that no matter what it may appear someone else has, on the surface, you never know what they have endured, or what they have lacked deep down, in the past, etc. Not to be overly dramatic about it, and it's not the best comparison, butit's soemthing along the lines of how it may be explained to kids that some kids get out of certain chores b/c they have a physical disability, or soem kids get out of certain homework assignments b/c they have a learning disability, or some kids get first consideration at colleges b/c they are in a certain minority group, or some kids are just born to rich parents and simply get more than other kids, period. If you think about it, at some point, we all learn these type of lessons, b/c if we didn't we'd all be pretty bitter and think that life is terribly unfair and that people who have certain advantages that we don't have are automatically happier. And this whole thing underscores the point that money shouldn't be a defining thing in happiness or relationships... the very point that is trying to be made about why it's upsetting to see Dad spend so much money on SD....See Morekhandi
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