For mothers who are estranged from their adult child
imaginny
15 years ago
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jstgvup
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomidnight_crescent
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Any Mothers estranged from daughters by choice?
Comments (16)Not sure about the mental illness, but it's a great possibility. I have a BIL and SIL who are bipolar. One worse than the other. Another SIL is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She did things like your daughter does. She also had abortions and is divorced. I asked two woman once who had had abortion how they felt. If it was painful. They both said physically it was okay. Emotionally it was hell. Maybe your daughter feels like she doesn't deserve to be alive after having so many abortions and losing so many children. Maybe she's trying to destroy herself because of the emotional pain she is suffering because of her choices and then, when she's sober looks for hope, and then gets down again. Up and down! Up and down! Not getting into a long story but one that relates very well with your granddaughter's life. She should be in counselling NOW. My brother and his wife are raising their son's 2 sons because the mother is a drug addict who has caused so much emotional damage to the eldest since he was 4 (now 8). He had a counsellor from Children's Aid come over to the house and she did some "play counselling". It really helped him. He'd do well until the mother would call and say all kinds of stuff to him to turn him against my brother and SIL. They have now decided to cut all ties with her for the kids' sake and resume counselling. It was destroying them. They are dealing with the courts right now. It's not good for your granddaughter to be subjected to her mother's emotional outbursts and all the stuff that's going on. It will only destroy her too, so PLEASE get her into counselling now! Don't mean to sound unfeeling or whatever, but I don't think there's anything you can do now to help your daughter because she NEEDS to want to help herself. BUT.. what you CAN do is make sure your granddaughter doesn't suffer emotional damage because of her mother's actions. She needs to know and understand WHY her mother does the things that she does, and only a qualified professional knows just how much info a little mind can take at a time so as to not overwhelm them too much and cause more damage. Just my opinion. I wish you luck and strength as you go through this with your family. P.S. A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother who did all kinds of things to her. My friend was 9 years old when she ran away, collecting pop bottles to get something to eat. After 3 days on the street, she'd go to the police. "They" would get the mother back on her meds, then my friend would go back (and her brother). Only this would happen over and over again. She ended up in a total of 40 foster homes. At 16, she was on her own. ONE foster mother gave my friend (aged 15)several books about schizophrenia and told her to read them all so that she could understand WHY her mother did the things that she did. It wasn't because she didn't love her. It was because she was mentally ill. My friend said that reading those books changed her whole world. She didn't hate her mother anymore. On her wedding day, she saw her brother for the first time in a very long time. My friend invited her mother to the wedding. When her brother asked her how she could invite her and still love her after everything that she did to them, my friend told her brother that it's called forgiving and understanding and she'd talk to him about it when he grows up! I have to say that my friend turned out very well. Never did drugs or hit the booze to numb the emotional pain of her childhood. It actually made her stronger. The brother, however, today, is bipolar and smokes drugs! The mother is now deceased, but my friend took care of her by arranging proper care when she was too sick to care for herself. She would also go pick her up to spend Christmas day with her husband and kids. By educating herself about why her mother did the things that she did, she didn't grow up with resentment, hatred, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, etc. She grew up knowing that her mother loved her in her own special way, the only way she could, and was mentally ill, and had "outbursts" when she was not on her meds, etc. Your granddaugther needs to know the same about her mother!...See Moreestrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreEstrangement from adult child
Comments (166)I also stated just those words when my 5 children were small. My oldest was only 14 at the time and I was speaking with a neighbor and she told me she had not had contact with one of her son's for years. I was genuinely shocked. I did not know of such a horrific thing. Could that truly be? Nah, would never happen to me and my kids, NEVER. My eyes teared up as she spoke as I thought of my 3 sons and 2 daughters in a situation like that. I would just stop living and die for sure. Well, funny thing is life. My oldest son is now 27 in August and I have not had any contact with him since Sept. 26.2009. Almost 6 years. Guess what? I was right, I did die. My youngest son say's that mom must of died when West left. He saw it all, they all did. I did not cope well. I still have days and nights that are endless and unbearable. I can be strong for so long and not even think of him for months then a song on the radio or a tv show he liked, or one of my kids asks for me to cook a recipe that was his favorite and Im shattered like the day he left. I hope people do not judge, but yield to the notion that it can happen to anyone. Any parent. He was the one I always had time for, the one I watched sleep in his crib for 2 years just to look upon him. So beloved. My favorite person on this Earth. Even today. My good friend. I was shocked when I stumbled upon this thread. Each post speaks from my mouth, each tear falls from my eye. We are the same broken mommy. I will say, the one technique that saved me and my other children is Shunning. It is the only way. I stole or borrowed it I should say from the Jehovah's Witness neighbor that I have few homes down. It works for me. I feared all these years of my reaction to him coming back, calling , writing, bumping into him in public. I feared that my mommy instinct would be my downfall . I felt vulnerable and I did not want my family put through anymore of my sons psychopathy. I will never be a victim again. Shunning keeps everyone safe emotionally and physically for it will not allow me to respond to anything in any way. It is the only way. I worry that my love for him would leave me open to danger and to fall for his smooth ways just to be harmed in some way or my kids. Just cannot give him the benefit of the doubt ever. SHUNNING. I can sleep at night now. Less and less I think of him and those incredible 21 years I had in his presence. He is fading away now in my mind. We do not speak his name. Removed all photos and items of his. It feels like I never had that one child almost. It feels better this way, so odd but true. I could give a long story, but this is long enough. Just wanted to say I did not know so many mom's go through this crap too. And this is some crap boy, It rips you in half and you die. But through shunning, I have a hopeful future ahead, me and my 4 other children who love me and need me and don't want their brother to ever come back. they say "I miss Weston, but I don't miss all the stuff". The stuff, gosh there was A LOT of stuff. I tell them..."me too"....See MoreAdults Estranged from Parents
Comments (8)Hi to everyone, I found this forum with google and I can just say I am so happy to have found a place where I feel less alone... I relare to everyone, especially to sage121 as I'm too in the process of estrangement from my parents and only brother after 32 years of denial that anything was wrong of out of place... when I first confronted them I felt like the ground was opening beneath to swallow me, but after that and a long work on myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy life as I deserve... I wanted to cite this sentence from silver: "I can forgive someone, meaning that I no longer hold something against them. Forgiving them, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust needs to be earned. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't rebuild trust after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Especially, when their bad behavior continues after they have said they are sorry." that is expecially true. at first you are so angry, also because you're disappointed that yours are not the perfect parents, but just human persons with their defects. then you come to terms with their humanity, and start to go on with your life; but this doesn't mean that you trust them back: no matter they said they're sorry and want to make amends, when all they believe is that they have done their best and you're just being difficult about silly things... and they go on as before. they keep telling that mine was not an abusive family and for most part it's true, they didnt beat me, or come home drunk, but I remember-and this is the first time I talk about this ever to anyone-that a friend of my brother who's 5 years older than me use to be abusive of me from 6 to 10 years old, touching me and making me touch him... my mother became aware of that and instead of kicking the boy out, spoke to me telling that "I had to stop letting him do those things or she would be forced to tell dad and he would make him leave"...I was 6 or 7, and had no means to make him stop... but he was best buddy with my brother who of course is parents' pet, and at the time I was just so focused on getting the love of my big bro' that for years I endured his abuse in secret for fear of him being kicked out and my brother put the blame on me. I felt, god, still feel so dirty and ashamed of this that I've never told anyone, but that was just a big situation in which my parents (especially my mom) refused to side up with me, leaving me with the weight of doing myself what should have been their job, protect me. my brother, on the other hand, has always been the sicky mommy's boy, so even through his adulthood, they've felt their responsibility to shelter him from any thing bad... while I was the tough one who could do by herself, and they take for granted every thing that I accomplish. which they say, is because they have great esteem in my abilities, and I say, ok it's flattering, but hey, your're my parents, it would be nice to have a little cheering from you from time to time. moreover, I choose academic research while he's in industry, so he has a fairly easier life than mine: a permanent, secure job, a house, a wife in the same condition while on the other hand, I have a fellowship which last a year, my partner has a temporary job and obviously we are in a rented house 'cause we can't afford to buy one... but HE is the poor one, the one who needs their help, while we're tough and somehow, we'll manage.... they also started to take big life (and economic) decisions which favoured him (for example, they're having a baby soon-first grandchild) and they're deciding to sell everything at home to buy a house to be near to him, in case he needs any help with the baby... leaving me by myself, for the future too. and I can bet that once they are old they will "offer" (cause obviosly, they say it's them who offer, not the golden boy who asks) to move in bro's small house, leaving them the big hose with the garden... I tried to talk them out of this madness, but they refuse to think that it's wrong, keep saying they would do the same for me, if I were in his shoes... but I know it's just b*****it. we talked about is some time ago (as they're getting older and live some time from here) telling them 'why dont you come to live closer?' (also to try being the perfect little girl and please them) and they kept stalling the decision to look for houses, and then, weeks after my bro told them they're expecting, they merrily announced they were making plans to sell their house and they were looking at new ones near him.... I feel so bad, angry, frustrated, disillusioned...guilty when they call me and seem so sad, and then angry again with myself for feeling guilty.... my partner too is involved as they treated him with poor respect in some occasions (and he doen't want anything to do with them) and every time they keep saying that they've done nothing wrong... I've been in this trap for years, until I realized that I had started to hurt him in order to avoid confronting my parents as it would leed to their disappointment in me, and because I refused to aknowledge the truth of my dysfunctional family... I also felt so ashamed of this situation (of me barely talking to them)....also because here (I'm italian) it is almost a public disgrace not to feel bound to one's family, something people should never know about. I am trying to keep my head up but it's hard. it's good to know that I'm not alone... big hug to everyone!...See Morelaurene1970
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