Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children
res1705
14 years ago
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naturewoman0123
6 years agonaturewoman0123
6 years agoRelated Discussions
Reconnecting with Estranged Adult Children
Comments (2)For parents who are continuing to post in this forum and are seeking support I've included a link below to another more current resource which may be of help and where you may find some comfort and encouragement. I urge you to take a look at it. There's a reason for estrangements. Best of luck to you all concerning these issues Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged...See MoreEstrangement from adult child
Comments (166)I also stated just those words when my 5 children were small. My oldest was only 14 at the time and I was speaking with a neighbor and she told me she had not had contact with one of her son's for years. I was genuinely shocked. I did not know of such a horrific thing. Could that truly be? Nah, would never happen to me and my kids, NEVER. My eyes teared up as she spoke as I thought of my 3 sons and 2 daughters in a situation like that. I would just stop living and die for sure. Well, funny thing is life. My oldest son is now 27 in August and I have not had any contact with him since Sept. 26.2009. Almost 6 years. Guess what? I was right, I did die. My youngest son say's that mom must of died when West left. He saw it all, they all did. I did not cope well. I still have days and nights that are endless and unbearable. I can be strong for so long and not even think of him for months then a song on the radio or a tv show he liked, or one of my kids asks for me to cook a recipe that was his favorite and Im shattered like the day he left. I hope people do not judge, but yield to the notion that it can happen to anyone. Any parent. He was the one I always had time for, the one I watched sleep in his crib for 2 years just to look upon him. So beloved. My favorite person on this Earth. Even today. My good friend. I was shocked when I stumbled upon this thread. Each post speaks from my mouth, each tear falls from my eye. We are the same broken mommy. I will say, the one technique that saved me and my other children is Shunning. It is the only way. I stole or borrowed it I should say from the Jehovah's Witness neighbor that I have few homes down. It works for me. I feared all these years of my reaction to him coming back, calling , writing, bumping into him in public. I feared that my mommy instinct would be my downfall . I felt vulnerable and I did not want my family put through anymore of my sons psychopathy. I will never be a victim again. Shunning keeps everyone safe emotionally and physically for it will not allow me to respond to anything in any way. It is the only way. I worry that my love for him would leave me open to danger and to fall for his smooth ways just to be harmed in some way or my kids. Just cannot give him the benefit of the doubt ever. SHUNNING. I can sleep at night now. Less and less I think of him and those incredible 21 years I had in his presence. He is fading away now in my mind. We do not speak his name. Removed all photos and items of his. It feels like I never had that one child almost. It feels better this way, so odd but true. I could give a long story, but this is long enough. Just wanted to say I did not know so many mom's go through this crap too. And this is some crap boy, It rips you in half and you die. But through shunning, I have a hopeful future ahead, me and my 4 other children who love me and need me and don't want their brother to ever come back. they say "I miss Weston, but I don't miss all the stuff". The stuff, gosh there was A LOT of stuff. I tell them..."me too"....See Moremothers estranged from adult children
Comments (14)I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me....See MoreQuestions for estranged adult offspring
Comments (4)Hgtvme, thank you SO very much for chiming in! Your fair and objective assessment of your sister/niece situation parallels my experience. Hats off for taking a stand, introducing some healthy boundaries. I lived overseas for over eight years, and visits to my parents/sibs were expensive and exhausting. I arrived laden with gifts, often did heavy much-needed cleaning projects, drove siblings to and from school, private lessons, practice. Yet the parents didn't have the grace or self-control to act like decent neutral adults while I was there. Young siblings would tell me how much she complained to everyone about me, cautiously ask if I really hated her that much. Hello? Grow up and leave the kids OUT of it; be an adult and work to resolve the conflict, find solutions. Except, noooooooo. They're just like hgtvme's sister. I'm so glad to hear, hgtvme, that you protected your kids from that mess. A few days ago, I paid a hefty international forwarding-service fee to receive mail from my parents, who keep on writing to my old address on another continent. Respecting my request for no contact was too much to ask of them. Mother's note mentioned telling someone _she'd_ _just_ _met_ (!?!!) about how distant I am now and about me calling the rescue squad 20 years ago when she was hemorrhaging. She closed with, "I miss the you that loved me + I will never be able to, or want to, get over it. Your wannabe friend" She deserves credit for digging deep to find something nice to say about me that doesn't involve material gifts. One of her compliments once was about looking around and seeing reminders of my value everywhere. Like half her wardrobe. If she thinks material contribution is my value ...heaven help us all. Never mind that anyone would call for help even for an arch enemy, or that by that point she'd long since crushed all affection I'd felt for her as a child. She came up with something not about stuff, and that's a real stretch for her. The "friendship" she wants from me would involve tolerating her outbursts and attacks, giving her gifts, writing checks, taking her out to lunch and shopping, all the while _never_ expressing anything about myself or my own interests, as that causes her to shut down, feel tired. She's blocked in her own pain, engulfed by her late mother etc. For years, I "did the right thing." But she's like the scorpion who can't resist stinging. Other choice phrases of hers include: "When are you going to arrive back in my life?" "When is your cold shoulder going to warm up?" "It feels like you're older than I am." "You're just bitter and want any excuse to avoid a relationship." In her world, there's zero connection between her rejecting, demeaning, using behavior since I was small and my choice of distance. Everything comes from outside herself. Her wishes MUST be fulfilled; denial of this, drawing of boundaries is an assault out of nowhere. It's truly a mystery to her. She must sense that all chance of contacting me is nearing an end, if she's writing in a positive (for her!) tone and expressing appreciation for something non-material. That's _huge_! But I know the routine: as soon as I'm back within her grasp, the snark begins again. The turning people against me hasn't stopped and won't, as she doesn't see it as such. It went on even when I was calling regularly to let them talk, visiting as often as possible, writing often, giving them more than I could reasonably afford. Kissing up "for the sake of the greater good" (shudder!) is no longer an option. hgtvme, if you have a chance to leaf through past threads, it may become clearer that Silversword's mum has some issues consistent with a diagnosable personality disorder. As far as I can tell just from reading, Silversword has already given her mother myriad generous chances to clear the air. Asking S's mum to participate in honest solution-finding is like asking a toddler to drive a truck cross-country. She'd agree to do it and she'd sincerely want the positive outcome, but just doesn't have it in her or even any idea what it entails. That's my take anyhow, open to correction by Silversword. You both sound like a warm, loving, accepting, healthfully protective mothers; I'm hoping to process my own pain and move on so I'll be more and more like that. Not sure where my parenting currently falls... PsMum...See Morenaturewoman0123
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