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Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Posted by res1705 (My Page) on
Wed, Jul 8, 09 at 1:39

Sadly, my adult children and I are estranged from each other. It's a long story that I won't go into at this time but I always thought that my situation was unique until I read the many sad stories in this forum. What I didn't read were suggestions on how to cope with this tragedy of parent/child estrangement, therefore, I have come up with a few suggestions. If anyone reading this would please add to my list it would be greatly appreciated. Maybe together we can help each other.

1. My adult children do not contact me whatsoever and for a while I decided to ignore these snubs and send them occasional Emails anyway telling them how and what I am doing. However, never getting a response makes me wonder if I am not setting myself up for ridicule like not getting the message that no contact with me is wanted.

2. Getting a pet is a great coping mechanism as you have another being that is grateful for your love and affection and needs you as much as you need the pet.

3. Volunteer with seniors, children or animals - it is very rewarding and volunteer help is always needed.

4. Start a new hobby to take your mind off things you cannot change.

5. Lastly, pray for your peace of mind so that being ignored by children you have loved and cared for most of your life will not cause you anymore pain.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I don't think being kind is ever a bad idea. My Sis has been so mad at me twice that she wrote me a letter telling me she would never speak to me again. The first time the problem was another sis's interpretation of what she thought I said. I wrote my sis, she returned my letters, so finally I sent her a post card with a picture of a dove on it. Telling her I had not said what our sister said I said. No one can resist reading a postcard. LOL She called, we discussed it and made peace. The second time I called her one day and told her I am sorry we were having problems. Neither time did I say I was sorry for anything I said or had done. Because I was not wrong. I found out later her children intervened the second time and told her they understood why I could not do what she wanted me to do. We are now speaking and I don't think we will ever have another problem. Kindness took care of the problem, but it would not help with my son He is brain washed and controlled by his wife he has turned into a man I don't even know. My estrangement with my younger son was not a sudden thing, it happened over a 20 year time frame it was not as painful. It was my decision not my son's.

Regarding your situation, send an email every once in while if you want to, not to often. Don't get personal, just greetings and no overtures. You might mention things from the past, happy things, that will stir their memories. Most of what my boys talked about when they grew up was the good times they had as children, camping, skating, etc..

Your suggestion were very good. It is the nagging things that we think about all the time, that make us unhappy. Anything to take you mind off of it.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Thank you, stargazzer, for your response. The suggestion of sending occasional Emails is a good one. However, I have done that in the past and when I did not receive a response it was hurtful. I am travelling overseas this month to celebrate my father's 98th birthday with him. I am planning to take a nice photo of him, my husband and myself and send that picture as a postcard to my children, showing them what they are missing. Maybe that will rattle them into responding.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Among the annoying things that spammers do is to queer entire threads of otherwise-legitimate inquiry. I think they should be whipped, hung, impaled, drawn, quartered, shot, and burned - not necessarily in that order.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

res1705,

Most of the coping strategies that you list above are just good activities to involve oneself in anyway. I think they will only add to your life and enjoyment and I think it will promote greater wellbeing. When you focus on that then it creates more happiness. I meet so many people who spend a lot of time focusing on how unhappy they are and they spread their misery to everyone around them. It's not good to ignore one's feelings and I'm not suggesting that, but one needs to recongize how they relate to others can also create a lot of unhappiness. Greater happiness in yourself is beneficial to self-esteem, which can only have positive benefits in your relationships with others.

You cannot control others. If you feel hurt that they do not respond to your emails, then maybe don't send them. Try an occasional update by regular mail and don't even bring up the subject of your feeling hurt or rejected by their lack of response. I don't know their circumstances and maybe they are in a period of their life where they feel a lot of stress or demands on them. Sometimes the needs of others often feel like another miserable demand and a burden. Needy, demanding people rarely see themselves that way or as selfish and controlling.

I send my mother letters and rarely call her. This is a coping mechanism for me. I do ask how she is doing, however she cannot monopolize the conversations talking all about herself and her problems overwhelming me with her complaints and issues and I'm not on the receiving end of her emotionally abusive behaviors and her taking her unhappiness out on me. This is how I've learned to cope with her. I wish the situation were different, but she is who she is and ignores my feelings. Writing her allows me to selectively provide her with tidbits of what is going on in my life. It also prevents her from ignoring boundaries, being intrusive or imposing on me. How she gets her needs met is destructive to me, although she cannot hear this or choses not too. Also, she can chose to read it, which is a form of listening and respond or she can ignore it and write back all about herself. This is how I keep her in my life, but from a safe distance and she cannot turn everything into all about herself and her needs and issues. It feels more balanced and healthy for me as well and I don't have to deal with her control issues.

I do not know what kind of relationship you have with your children or the reasons for the estrangement as each situation is unique. All I can offer is what I've learned to do in my situation. I focus on what helps me to feel content, because I am not responsible for other people and their choices or emotions.

Personally, I would skip sending them a postcard picture to manipulate an emotional response or as you said to "rattle" them into responding unless you are trying to impose guilt, which can backfire. Trying to manipulate people's emotions is never a good way to improve relationships, unless you want people to pretend or are merely trying to get your way, despite how others feel.

Good luck to you...I wish you the best and enjoy your trip.


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I suffer from copd so getting out is impossible.My 3 oldest children honestly cut me from their lives and those of my grandchildren when I ran out of money and faced forcloser on my home.I never claimed to be the best mom,god knows I have made mistakes.I guess the thing that hurts the most is when my son and daughter call me just to say I am the reason the fail at one thing or another.It happened so often I put in a caller idea just to avoid the trashing they do to me.My saving grace in all of this is my grandson.He has lived with me is whole life,he is 18.he has turned out great.he graduates this year and will be going away for collage.I hate the thougt ofr being all alone again


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I'm glad I found this page. I thought I was the only one with such an issue. I have 2 grown sons and they ignore me over and over when I ask for a hand. As son's of a single Mom.. one would think these boys, now grown men, would know Moms need a helping hand from time to time.

Every year I have to cut my own wood,and these guys know I'm get'n older (61 in Feb).. and should be ashmed that out of 365 days they can't seem to find anytime to help.. My oldest @33 is hosting the Christmas gathering this year and I really don't want to go.. but the grandfather(my father @88y/o)is willing to drive nearly 200 miles to attend his Christmas gathering which as always been at my parents home. My parents know how these guys treat me. I have told how I feel.. I just don't get it. How can my Dad ignore the way these guys have treated his daughter over the years and not say anything to them. I really don't want to go, my youngest son @26 has not spoken to me in weeks either.These guys are not married or do they have childern... Do I really need to subject myself to be around people who won't help and ignore what I once believe that "family is suppose to help one another"..


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Here are some of the reasons why children stop staying in touch with their mother. If this isn't you then please disregard.....

A link that might be useful:

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Flowermuse: Here is another link that may offer much insight into estrangement as well. Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged

From your link:

"This year, my New Year's resolution is to care less.

Care less for people who care little for me. Care less for people who judge and condemn me for being the person I am. Care less for people who struggle so deeply with their own issues, that they have little or nothing to share with me. Certainly to care less for people who would demean, diminish, isolate and harm me.

I will not necessarily stop loving. I will stop investing. I will place my caring where it is meaningful and matters. I will place my caring with people who are capable of reciprocating in kind."

Sounds like a good New Years resolution for anyone/everyone!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

That New Year's resolution is a great one!

There is a lot of information and links to a number of sites with discussion groups on family estrangement on the site, Estrangements, that I am linking here. It includes the link to the site that is mentioned above.

Here is a link that might be useful: Estrangements


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Autumn you say why doesn't your Dad see how your kids and been treating you... You want him to pick sides that's not fair.. there are always two sides to every story their and your battle is not his. You can never ask a grandparent to condem someone because you don't like how they are treating you it isn't his battle its yours. My Mom knows how my son treats me but I am glad she is there for both of us. She doesn't have the problem with my son , i do. Yes he is treating me wrong and doing stupid things but why would i want my family to gang up on my children that's the last thing we need is a family war. Think about what you are asking of your father I am mad at them so you have to be too... Really? So you would be okay if you were making bad choices for your sons to try to get other family members to banish you as well? My point is when you have a problem with your children its the party's involved issue not extended family or outsiders. Not only does keeping the fighting and problems inbetween yourselves more easy to handle it shows you have enough respect to deal with the issues on your own.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

About dreamgarden's link Re. mothers who are narcissists: I had a lightbulb moment while reading this.
Many of the characteristics mentioned in there are present in my son.
It is therefore also possible that adult children who distance themselves from their parents (not just their mothers) could be narcissists themselves!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I have been estranged from my twin children, a son and a daughter, twins, who are 37 years old. I always prided myself on being a great father. I was not the kind of man who worked overtime. I spent my time with my family. I was intimately involved in many of their school and extracurricular activities. The problem started to surface when my wife and I divorced 12 years ago. She told them a lot of lies about me and turned them against me telling them to choose between me and her. They chose her. It's a long complicated story that I won't go into now. But I'm having an especially hard week dealing with the loss of my two children and my three grandchildren, two of whom I've never even met. This is my first post and I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

It is a rude awakening when one is facing old age without a partner much less being abandoned by an adult child, Autumn. But considering the times, we as parents are being punished for trying to do too much for the kids, giving them things that we never had, and then letting the marriage fall apart in the process. The kids grow up spoiled and greedy, chosing to tolerate us only if we keep giving to them. Material possessions and gifts are the only love they can relate to.

I get a reality check everyday at work where I meet people from all walks of life who are experiencing unemployment, foreclosure, homelessness. Many are single parents trying to raise children in motel rooms and getting meals from food banks. Each has his/her own stories, but they appreciate the smallest act of kindness and respect. They are free to give you a hug or uplift your own spirits with quotes from the Holy Bible which sustain them through the hard times.

We don't need those who abandon us...we need those who are abandoned and looking for a hug.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

"About dreamgarden's link Re. mothers who are narcissists: I had a lightbulb moment while reading this. Many of the characteristics mentioned in there are present in my son."

Where do you think your son picked up these characteristics?

Family or other person(s).


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I am New to this web page. I happen to come acrossed it when I googled " how to deal with adult child who disowns you."

I have a Now 19 yrs old daughter that just said have a good life mom I am Done . ( I want all to know I did Nothing to this child to make her do this.)

My daughter was given everything she could ever want. From Cell phones , personal computers , money. She was ever in need of anything. As my husband calls it SPOILED ROTTEN. I never thought that. I just wanted my daughter to have the things I Never had. Looking back it might have been a mistake to just give and give.
About year ago my daughter at the time 18. had a big party in our house that we had been renting. We thought we had it all taken care of till few months later, after my mom had died from cancer. I get home to the landlord on my porch with a letter to cancel our lease. My daughter was having partys all the time when we where at work out side of the state. We provide a home , car , money and food for her the 3 days a week that I was Not there. We made sure that she has everything that she would need for the 3 days I would be out in the truck . and it back fired in our faces. when we got the notice I looked at my daughter and said you have to be joking me. She stands there and says Mom what does it matter your never here anyways. I was so hurt and agrey at her. OK so then it is look for something to rent. good luck on that one. I called on the only place that was for rent in the town we lived in . they wanted 3500.00 month , for a small 2 bedroom apartment. My husband and i couldnt afford that. So We are camping. this is in Aug. We have about month before it might get cold. So Sept we are still camping and I am looking for a place to rent. Oct we are still camping, No hopes of anything. we take the money we have been sitting on and got a 40 ft 5th wheel. at this time my daughter had moved in with her boyfriends family. She is still in High school and looking for a part time job. Oct 6th I get a text message. Mom I have to talk to you. I was working so I didnt reply to it. 20 mins later I get a text message Mom I am PREGO!!!! Yay!!!!! I didnt read the message cause I was working. at my 2nd job . when I went out for my break I look at the messages and about came though the phone on her. She isnt working, He dont have a job, and they are living off his family and what money we give her. O Joys is all I could think about. Who is going to support this. His family isnt making it and we are homeless. My husband and I make some time and go talk to his family. they are not happy about this baby thing at all. these kids have been together less then 4 mos. and they are going to have kids together. My husband and I understand this very well. Not ever a month later we are called cause our daughter cant stay at their house anymore. O great meaning she is moving in with us . Ok we will make it work. We have a teen that is pissed off at the world . boyfriend that dont want anything to do with her or the babies. Yes I said Babies "twins" Our daughter has a few trips in the ER. for one thing or other. 3 other night stays because she will not eat or drink anything. 3 fast trips to the city for a doctors appt. To she has to be put on blood thinners. At this time she has No health care . we are paying for all this out of pocket. One shot 38 bucks. total monthly charge 745.00. No big deal we will sell off everything. we have to make sure she is ok. I get her a baby-sitten job caring for 3 kids. making 25 a day. We pay for her gas to get to this job, with the understanding once she go paid she would have to provide her own gas. Well that never happened. She was fired for the job. for calling off to much. My husband and I bought more and more stuff for her. We had to buy all new clothes so she had something to wear. we bought 99% of the baby stuff , rented a house so she would have a place to have her babies come home too. she came out to the house with us . was not happy about it because it was to Far from town. To one day her boyfriend showed up and ever left. coming with his a very lg dog and he had No money to feed it or money to get into town for his part time job . my husband and I sat down with them and said ok. at this point daughter cant work. she is weeks from the babies coming . and you (boyfriend) Need to find a better job and start providing for yourself, and your babies. We will help you out but once you get a better job you will have to pay rent. Nothing is free in life. They agreed to the terms and said we can do that. To 5 days after the twins where born I am told by someone outside of the family that they are moving out because I am charging them 400 month and they have to think about the babies. Great wish they would have thought about this before Now , but would have been nice if they would have just called me and told me. No someone else has to call me and tell me this . I was very hurt over this hole thing. I have paid for everything and Now I am the bad person cause I wanted them to grow up and step up.
I packed my daughters stuff , down to all the baby stuff I have bought and put it in his broke down crappy pickup and had my other child take it to his mom and dads . where they where going to live for free.take in mind we had not charged them any money yet . for he still hadnt gotten a better job yet. To the same peoples house that asked my daughter 7 days before this for a DNA test. they Didnt believe the babies where their sons. To them getting my daughter a Horse for her birthday, 6 days after the babies where born. Given a child that just had babies and Has No job and her boyfriend is only working part time . question was who is going to feed the damn horse? Where are you putting this horse ? And answer Not us and Not on the land we rent. To his family calling the police because they thought we would keep the kids stuff. When that happened I was not happy and my husband about hit the roof. To our other child making sure that the boyfriend got to get down to the city to see his babies and my daughter in the NICU. to pay for everything . To my daughter coming back to the town we live in so she could sign paper work on a low income apartment I helped her file out the paper work on . to my daughter Not talking to me . My daughter called me and asked me Mom Did you take whats his faces bank card? Aww NO Never . why would I need his money . we make 4 times what he makes . and I wasnt in our town I was here and just bought my pickup. To my daughter still not talking to me . to me seeing something on facebook. Boy I miss my Girls. A comment from Mom , them time to go be with them. to when I call her 2 days before mothers day, I dont get a hello I get what do you want? OK would like to know if you want to go out ot lunch with me ? No Mom I dont . I dont want to talk to u. and some other words . I just left it at that . to 2 days later I am blocked off facebook and she tells her brother I dont want to talk to mom . I want Nothing to do with the F****in B.
My heart brakes over this. I love my daughter more then words can say. ever for all the drama she has started in our lifes . I would do anything for her. Other then at this point I know I have to let her faul on her own. I know that I have to let her make her mistakes in life. But We are talking their isnt just her and I anymore. there is 2 babies I will Not get to watch grow up. I know what it is . I know why my daughter is doing this and its not just her . Its the guy she is with. He is taking her away from her family. and I see something Noone else other then my sisters see. I hate this feeling. But at this point I dont know what to say to her. I know I have to let her come to me . tell then how to I deal with this ? this is my baby?
My husband tells me this is a point in our lifes we just need to let her do what ever. Not our problem anymore. OK so as a mother I am just s'pose to walk away? I am not s'pose to try to make this work out . so that I can be there for her and the babies. I just dont know how to coop with this . Any help anyone can give me would be wonderful. at this point all I want to do is cry over it . maybe cause its still very New.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

OMG!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Your husband is 100% right. Stay away from her, she does not deserve you or your dh. Just because we birthed our children does not mean we have to stand by and take their abuse. Please, look for happiness in other places. Spend time with others who care for and about you. You can do it.Look for substitutes, relatives, friends etc.If you can find a cause that you support, give of yourself and find satisfaction there. You will never get blood from a rock. Best wishes and I will think of you and hope that your lives will turn around and you can recover with new found happiness.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I am a 43 year old man. My situation is reversed.
I am and have been estranged from my mother for the last 6 years. I really find it hard to believe that many parents that have commented on here truly have no idea what caused the rift in the relationship. I have tried to smooth over the situation with my mother. At one point I drove 3 hrs to visit with my mom and I was verbally and physically assaulted upon my arrival. My mother proceeded to inform me that "she should have aborted me like she wanted to long ago." After the verbal assault came the physical assault. In not wanting to have a physical fight with my mom, I left the house. I have never gone back and I will never go back. My mother was abusive to me, my son (who was 8) at the time, my father until his death, and my brother. She filed harassment charges against my brother several years ago. My uncle who attended the court hearing informed me that the judge instructed her to stay away from my brother as she seemed to be the one causing the drama and issues. (NO KIDDING)!!!! She immediately claimed the victim role in the situation to everyone that would bother to listen. I really doubt many of you "estranged parents" truly have no idea as to what the cause was for the conflict. I later discovered, after several counseling sessions and a ton of research, that my mom has most likely been suffering from a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) for many many years. Stop and think parents. Do you really not know or is this just a game you are playing with yourself? Im sure there are all kinds of cases where the kid treats the parent like crap. My case is completely the opposite.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

This has been extremely helpful! thank you all for posting.
I am in the same shoes. Disowned by my own abusive mother FEW TIMES!! When 1-3 years later (on different times) she realized that she gained nothing from it, but lost power of Destructive Narcissist, she came back, denied everything, acted like nothing and tried to act AS a VICTIM!! I am not amused by her, btw. This is getting too old.
Orange1024, you are not alone!
there is an army of us - Victims of crazy ladies who were granted to be our mothers, while they should be in mental institutions.
Just a word of hope, - once you put all 2 and 2 together, and got help to sort things out, to name the beast, to see the way out - you are free! While the narcissist (mother or adult kid, doesn't matter) is trapped with her/his own problems. And that is a sad part of the story.

I also wanted to say that my own grown up kids are not well connected, and it is likely due to their exposure to dysfunctional connection between my mother and me (alone with problems between her and others - no one is good enough for narcissist). And may be my life-long depression could be result of my own poor parenting.. Possibly. Go figure.


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With my daughter it has gotten worse . Nothing has changed with her. She has added some more BS . The New one is that I made her look bad at the hosp when she had her babies. I was there for everything . I have paid for everything and I am the bad person. I told my daughter I cant changer her Mind about me . but one day she is going to miss Me and want to be around me and I might Not be here. She Just said Whatever Mom and hung up the phone on me . At this point I am letting her fall on her face. I am Not taking her anger to heart . I am not going to play into her drama. I am Not going to cry myself to sleep over this anymore. I have other things in my life that make me happy and I just have to go forward and if that means that my daughter isnt part of it O' well.


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I am glad i found this, this is so sad that there are no words for it. I saw this happen years ago and it broke my heart. Now it has happened to me and i really don't have any explantion for it. I have two daughters. older.One had two children a boy and girl that she left with the father who was a drug addict, to say the least they both grew up the same and i have only been with them as a baby. The other daughter married a drug addict and divorced after 17 yrs. It is a longer story then i would like, but the truth is we just don't like each other. They betrayed me, they blame me for all there decisions even at 45 yrs and 43 yrs. I didn't see the oldest for years and i contacted her and she came to visit. It was ok, the youngest i spent two weeks with taking care of her after surgery and she treated me like a dog, they have very little concern about me. I raised them, i taught them to ride horses, be in girl scouts, cheer leading, softball, we lived in the country they had there own horses and car. They had chores which one of the complaints is they had to clean up after there horses! I wish i had a horse growing up. I ask myself why both. There is something wrong , i have seen this also in friends older with adult children but they go along with it because it is there only family. I can't. If anyone has any opinions or anything please let me know, because i just don't know anymore.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

flgirl,
I feel for you . I have been there. I know the feeling. but something that helped me is that I 1st cryed my self to sleep, then I was mad then I said "SO BE IT".

I find that most kids find it so much easier to blame loved ones then blame themself for their own problems .


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

If you really care, if you really want to help, do not dismiss her when she helps you understand the problem, use it to figure out what you are doing and stop.

"She has added some more BS . The New one is that I made her look bad at the hosp when she had her babies."

It seems you have no respect for her or what she was trying to say. What was she talking about? Why don't you care?


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Interesting stuff posted here. I can't imagine not talking to my parents. Even though my mother is crazy -- I still love her and still talk to her. Even though I can't believe some of the things she says and does I would never NOT communicate or talk with her.

My husband on the other hand has some adult children that don't talk to him (we have 12 kids between the two of us). The adult kids that do talk to him talk highly of him and don't understand why their siblings won't at least talk to him.

None of the kid's talk to their biological mother because no one knows where she is....she abandoned the whole family when they were young.

But my husband can't figure out why some (3 of them) won't talk to him. One has gone so far to send nasty hate email (sent of course only to us). Now, granted he made mistakes, who hasn't but we are talking about a very loving person whom the other 9 kids have no issue with.

And he is hurt by it. Mostly because he doesn't understand why and they've never given anyone a reason (not even their siblings).

I never could understand those three. The two just don't respond, don't call on holidays, etc. Though they will at least say hi at family functions. The other actually avoids family functions if we will be there. The odd thing is with that one it hasn't been consistent. There have been times when they spent a lot of time with us...then all the sudden they avoid and won't talk to you for years...then pop back into your life. The siblings report them doing this to them also.

I find the behavior very odd.
I realize that parents can be hard to deal with...but seriously is it that big of a deal to send a polite email, make a phone call, or just plain send a card once in a while????


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Hi, I'm new to this forum but am so thankful to have an outlet. My son moved to Germany when he was 18 insisting he loved a girl he knew for years. We had a terrible time with his (now deceased) dad while he was growing up and I saw a rage below the surface in my son that scared me. I had devoted my life to raising him and giving him any opportunities and support even while coping with his dad's alcohol abuse and mental illness and being a single parent. I felt that if I wanted a relationship with my son long term I should be supportive of what he wanted to do with his life. He married my DIL who has her own issues. After four years the communication was so totally one-sided that after Christmas I finally let him have it. Long story about how cruel he's been over the last few years but now he tells me not only am I not to call or visit I am not to contact him at all. It's really like dealing with a death, hard to explain till you've had it happen. I also am so sad to see how many good parents have this happen but appreciate all of you sharing. It is so healing to know I'm not alone.


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I'm now doing much better thanks to caring friends and a wonderful life partner and God! I have some contacts where my son lives and they are very kind, send me photos of him and let me know how he's doing. But they do not interfere by telling him to talk to me nor do they reveal anything he wants confidential. So I feel very blessed. One of my friends said to me, "I had to give my adult child the right to be an adult and decide how he/she felt about me, even if it was not what was in my best interest." She had to give him the right to hate her if that's how he felt. I know this doesn't help the pain. I still sob if something triggers a memory of being with my son or missing him, but at least I know he's alive and safe. My heart breaks for parents who lose children to death, so I have to be thankful that's not my situation. I think a lot of my pain has come from not being given the opportunity to sit down and talk about what's wrong, not being told at all even though I'm told I wasn't (I'm not) a bad parent. But what this has forced me to do (not that I would choose it) is focus on my life only, not see myself as a part of others. Codependency has been a huge issue in my life and maybe I was projecting this onto my son without seeing it. I don't think I was asking for too much, that we maintain a relationship and communicate. He's using anything I do right now to justify the way he's cut me off. I get little or no chance to be heard and till last month, I was only allowed to email. Now I'm told not to do anything, not even that. I didn't get answers half the time unless it was about money or his bank account here. Anyway, I'm determined that I will not put my life on the back burner just because someone, anyone in my life, sees me as not worthy of their time or love. I will no longer be victimized by anyone like that. But I still miss him every day I wake up.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

tripledee,

I am glad that you have support and there are people out that that can help you with your time of need. I pray your child comes back into your loving arms and everything works out.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I opened up with my newly married son about the treatment from him, his bride and her family. On one occasion there was even an assault. WHO NEEDS THAT??

He holds me responsible - but he loves money and her father has it. So, out with the old and in with the new.

Spending time with people who truly loved/supported me helped a great deal. So did learning some new things: kayaking down a river, ice skating lessons, bike paths, etc One year flowed into the next.
I didn't have to see HER sit there with a disgusted look on her face watching the clock! It's been heaven.

The sun shines just as warmly WITHOUT all that drama. I have my memories and my near and dears close to me.

It was the most painful in my life - but getting angry helped me. I dealt with it by removing him. He is now dead to me. (You would not believe the mean those two dished out)

I just didn't have the money he craved - so I was eliminated in his life and I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT!! I was to be the free nanny of their brood. I said NO and got flack for that, as well. (They weren't even expecting at the time I was informed what role I played in their life)

Good luck to all. Sometimes you might just have to let go.

Prayer helped as well. :)


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Thank you all for posting. I stayed up late last night reading all the posts here and others. I know how my mother felt now after years of being ignored, mistreated, and belittled by my youngest sister. Sad but sis would call asking for and accepting money from mom. Sisters and I are all in our 50's and on our own, married or otherwise.
I tried posting earlier with the story but I was knocked off twice. This youngest sister blamed mom for everything in her life; being overweight, no man, car accidents, etc. We all had the same mom and dad. We were poor, had chores, but we had food and always a good Christmas.
flgirl407 I would have gladly cleaned stalls, groomed, feed and whatever else needed to be done to have a horse. Actually I worked at a stables for free just so I would ride for an hour or two a week.
Mom died two years ago. This sis only wanted to know what she was getting. But cried to anyone who would listen, "my mother died." Oh boowoo, everyone is on to her. She was able to access mom's accounts and drain thousands before I could call banks and stop this. Gee, sis got angry with me.
But again thank you for sharing your pain and disappointments.
Mom, sorry you were hurt.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

My son has broken my heart. He is involved with a woman that I have tried to welcome into our family. Only to find out that their wedding was a fake cerimony and this is after he has lied to both sides of his family and taking gifts from his elderly grandparents. When I wanted to talk to him and tell him how we as his parents felt about it he shut us out of his life. He has not spoken to us in months. She sent me a text message and told me Good Riddance among some other nasty things.. I am heart broken over him not standing up and being the man I raised him to be.. He has lied to his whole family. And then when he was caught in his lie he just walks away. Yesterday was his Birthday and I am missing him so much my heart hurts. I have not reached out to him. I can not take anymore rejection.
Does it ever get easier?


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

None of this gets easier.. My sons father took our don from me when he was 3. It has been a nightmare eversince. I was given every other weekend and a couple of days during the weeks. I could not take those days due to working etc. To make a long story short my sons dad and step-mom always made me out to be the bad guy. A couple of years ago our son got in trouble with the law. He wasn't getting along with his father and asked if he could live with us. I was so happy and could not believe what I was hearing. Come to find out his dad wanted us to come and live with us to straighten him up because they feel that our means aren't up to par and we don't have enough money. My son totally took advantage of us while he lived there. I gave him a free phone, a vehicle to use for work, and free food, etc This all ended with him getting the police called on him because he was verbally threatening me. I am trying to get a relationship back with him but he will have nothing to do with me. I have no answers. He tells me I am a waste of human flesh. Where do I go from here? He has a 13 year old brother that wants to have a relationship with him. How do I begin to explain???


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Suzenures13,
I am so sorry for the things that you have had to deal with. To me it sounds like bio father Made a Monster. And Now Needs to step up and deal with what he made. I understand your pain and the wanting to fix things. But Honey It might never be fixed. For your one son to call you nasty names Is not right and should have never happen. for the child that would like to Now other one you need to let them know its not their fault. And if other child wants to know brother make sure there is someone there when they are together . If that is what you want. You have to keep the one save at all cost and I am sure that you dont need to heartache yourself. I have been there . My daughter still to this day will not talk to me. I am still Not allowed to see my grandbabies . One time she does call is when she is after money. She has said some Rotten things about me But you now I am Not to worried about it . One day she will come around and one day she will open her Eyes. And if she does not then Its OK I have other children that I can spoil with my love.
Keep your head High and know that it does Suck but we are alot stronger then the other people in our lifes or Not in our lifes give a credit for.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Well Well Well... I have not heard from my son since December and today there is a message on my phone from Rent a Center... He and his woman used me as a credit reference. Really???? I am not interested in helping him with financial matters.. I am not some puppet to be use for money. I am so tired of him taking the fact that I love him more than air and using it against me. I do not want to become bitter or angry. When you tell me to fall of the planet.. Well that is what I have done. I am sad that he chooses not to be a part of my life, but I have to remember that was his choice to make and now that he has. He has to live with it... Got me some tough love going on over here... Stay strong my friends stay strong.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Well Well Well have not heard from my son since Dec and today he has used me as a credit reference. Really??? I am not a puppet on a string. He asked me to go away and leave him alone well be careful what you ask for. I am not interested in emotional blackmail.. Thank you but NO! I got me some tough love going on here... Stay strong my friends stay strong!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Wow, that took some nerve...good on you for knocking it back.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

colleenoz thanks I am just so tired of that boy child thinking that he can behave any ole way he wants and treating people like garbage and then when he wants or needs something He can run back to Mom... I do not want to be mean or vengeful. but in the words of my husband "If the boy wants to fly solo, well let him fly solo" to every action there is a reaction ..consequences for sure...


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Colleenoz
Thank you for your support. I do not want to be mean or vengeful to the child (who thinks he is a man) but to every action there is a reaction... Consequences...


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Now my son has decided that he no longer wants to speak with his sister. This has hurt her deeply. I told her that I am so sorry. I cannot get in the middle just as I did not put her in the middle.

The boy has completely isolated himself from all who truly care for him. When this lie of a romance falls apart. he will be all alone. that worries me. I also know that he does not get to treat us all like nothing and less than trash and then come right back here to do it again and again. I say Enough!

My husband says this may not even be coming from him, but from his "woman" I say who cares. He is not stopping it either.

I still miss him I still love him. I just do not like him and I am ashamed of him. and disappointed is not a strong enough word.

I know one day he will also feel the loss, but for now it is mine to carry.. Stay strong my friends stay strong.

Emotional blackmail is no way to live your life


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Dear Missmyson221,
I know how you feel. One I am living it with our oldest daughter. But let me tell you something. One day your son will come back to you and your family. give him time to see what this woman is doing. It might be tomorrow it might be 10 yrs from now. But as I am sure you know there is nothing you can do to change what he is doing or what she is doing. We have to let them fall on their faces and when its time to step back in they will come to you with open arms. have faith this will happen.

We as mom's love our children no matter what they might do or not do in their lifes but we also have to learn to let them fall. If not we will be sad and very lonely. Take the time that you have to enjoy your dear husband and other children. Because as time go's on your son will step up and maybe with time and faith will tell this woman not to be a Witch.
I had to just say ok with everything that my daughter has done to us. we know it has nothing to do with how we raised her. it has to do with the person that she is with. Only time we hear from my daughter is when she wants money. and if we dont give it to her she tells lies about us. Heck my daughter has went as far and telling her auntie that has cancer that she is not allowed to talk to her anymore. my daughter has pushed all the family she has away and 99.9% of it is because of who she is with. and one day we hope that she will get over it and kick him to the curb. but till them we have to move on with our lifes and Just deal with the fact she and our grandbabies are not part of todays life.

I do hope that everything works out for you and your family and soon that your son comes back into your waiting arms. But till then have faith and be strong for the other people in your family. They need their mom to be happy and have a smile on her face.
In my thoughts
~Lady~


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

WOW! I am so glad to have found this site. It's good to know that I am not alone. My situation is like many of yours and after reading many of the blogs, my inclination is to walk away and get on with the rest of my life ( what's left, I am 79). I am not sure if I even love this kid anymore.She cannot even tell me what the problem is. Maybe just a clash, don't know. I wish her well, but don't think at this point can ever get back. And one note to the person who wrote and said her sister drained all of the money from her Mother's account. I am going to now change all accounts, will and everything else that pertains to this daughter so that she will no longer be a beneficiary of anything I have. Sound harsh? I have plenty of love to spread around for those that deserve it. Thanks to you all for your stories.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mountain Lady...
Thank you for your words of encouragement.. I think finding this site has added strength and courage to me to stay strong. I do not want to rush in as his mommy and fix it for him this time.

I have heard now that he is no longer speaking to any of his friends either. This boy has given up all control over his life for what he believes is love.. Love does not control.

I have also heard that there is verbal abuse on her part to him she calls him fat and stupid all the time.. He is neither. Rumor has it she is also cheating on him with other men. He is not Mr. Right he is just mister here till mister something better comes along. I wish that man would hurry up.:)

I have let him go but I am not sitting here waiting for the fall. I do know it will eventually come. He will also have to live with that too. I will not say he and I are broken beyond repair...But there will need to be some major work doneby him if he ever decides he wants to be part of this family again.

Trust is a gift I once gave him and he misused it...Now it will have to be earned.

As for the woman he is with there is no room in my life for people like that and I do not play with crazy. This woman sued her own mother and I will be damned if I am ever going to be in that situation. She is not now nor will she ever be welcomed into my home again. I also do not see me changing my opinion of her. I will not be a victim and I am a grown woman no one is going to treat me like dirt anymore, least of all in my own home. They do not have children together and for that I am so thankful but my theory is you can not miss what you do not know.I do not see children showing up changing our relationship.( not sure I would believe they belonged to my son anyway)

My son will someday remember the mother I was to him all the silly fun family times spent together and he will know that I truly love him with all that I am...

I taught him when he was young and got in trouble he told me sorry and wanted to just go play. I told him no and he said " but I said sorry" I said I am sorry too but you can not go play, sometimes sorry is just not enough. He knows that I am serious and when I say something that is what I mean. I just hope that when his bubble burst he will remember that I love him and he is still and always will be my son. I was his mother before she came along and I will be his mother when she is gone... I however will never be his mommy again and I am out of the repair business.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Missmyson,
I do understand. I can hope for you and your family that things come around soon. But yes trust is going to be a big thing.

Just be strong and know that one day things will work out!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mother's Day Has me sad. This will be the first without my son. I just want to leave my house and my phone behind for the day and be alone.. I was just not prepared for the hurt to come bursting back all fresh and new... All because of some Hallmark holiday. Really??? I should be stronger than this. Sitting around sinking deeper into a sadness that I can not explain.. Just miss my son..


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mother's Day Has me sad. This will be the first without my son. I just want to leave my house and my phone behind for the day and be alone.. I was just not prepared for the hurt to come bursting back all fresh and new... All because of some Hallmark holiday. Really??? I should be stronger than this. Sitting around sinking deeper into a sadness that I can not explain.. Just miss my son..


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Estrangement from my sons, is the best thing that ever happened to me. That's very sad I know....by being estranged my life is not a constant roller coaster ride. I am happy and at peace with it all. I know there won't be anymore calls from a drunk or someone who only wants my money.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I posted on another subject of this. I'm new to being estranged by my 31 yr old daughter. And also my 4 yr old "innocent" grand daughter. It's been a few years of ups and downs. She's threatened to leave me before, now I'm afraid she has. It's now been almost a month since we've spoken. But, really longer than that, because the last time we had a decent conversation was in March.

I pray for all of you. Maybe what Emma has said above is true. For many of these last years I've been criticized and talked down to by her. If this is how the rest of my life is to be with her, and always worried of saying the wrong thing, then maybe it's better to forget about her. But, when I think of doing that it hurts. It hurts so deep in my stomach that I almost can feel it.

I just do not understand how a child that was loved, and given all she ever wanted and how all of your children can treat a Mother so horrible. In time perhaps they will understand our pain when their own children hurt them. But, I don't want to wait for that justice. I want my best friend and daughter back. And she's drifted so far away I'm afraid we'll never be able to mend. Now I have to move on, get this hurt to go away, live and feel as if I have a purpose here on this earth. And my faith has left me, and I know that's bad. What have any of us done to deserve this?


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Tisweet, we have done nothing to deserve this, it is not our fault. It is the luck of the draw or in the genes if you prefer. You would be surprised at how many children turn out this way. I always tell people about my children and was chastised by my husband. I told him it helps me and I discover that there are many more like me out there. I have a neighbor who has 5 kids and I asked her how many of those 5 made her smile when you open the door and finds one there. She thought about it for a moment and said 2. They were all raised by the same parents and did their best.

My mother gave me some advice that has helped me when I am have problems. She said: "you are thinking about the sad things, think about the good things in your life". I have applied it to my daily life and it works. It is about redirecting your thoughts.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Tissweet. I will not tell you it gets easier because I have not found that to be true. someone told me I have to respect his decision. I said I do not have to respect it I just have to learn to live with it. Slowly that is what has happened. I have days where I ache for him. I also know that I miss the little boy he once was. He is not that little boy now and I can not base a relationship with him on the fact that the only way it works is if I bend over backwards and give him everything he wants... that is not a relationship to begin with. Hold on to who you are as a person and know that you are not alone in this! Stay strong!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Missmyson, I also miss the sweet little boys I had. I don't know the men they turned into. My Sis told me one time, "you were the best Mom I have ever known, what happened to those sweet little boys?" I told her the oldest is just like our Dad, neither wanted to work and take care of their family. The younger one is just like his Dad, a hard worker but easily controlled by his wife.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

EmmaR
I am getting lots of advice from mothers who are not living this.. They all think that one quick phone call from me will fix everything. I just can not bring myself to make that call I am not sure if I am afraid of more rejection; Maybe? I just know that until he can see that what he did is unacceptable I am not sure I want a relationship with a liar who wants to use people and mistreat the ones who love him the most. I do not know that I can do that. I have been told that I was a good mother. I would like to believe that I was. I know I have made mistakes but I know I did the best that I could and that is all anyone can ask. I see he has made some choices I can not support or even live with. That woman he is with is not now nor never will be welcome in my home. Anyone who sues her own mother is not coming here! I think what I am struggling with the most right now is knowing that I am ashamed of him and I can find no redeeming qualities in him right now. I do not want anyone to know how he has behaved. I refuse to cover for his lies and will not be a party to how he has chosen to live.

I am just so ashamed of him.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Well things have not changed with my daughter. I really thought it would. But I was wrong. Now I find out that she is moving out of area. My husband tells me that I need to let her live her life and do as she wishes. because nothing will change with till she wants to change them for herself.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mountain Lady... I am sorry that your daughter is moving away.
I also keep hoping that things will change. I tell myself it takes time. I just wonder how much time? I am really just tired of hurting all the time. And then I just tell myself that this hurt is not nearly as bad as having to watch my son suffer at the hands of an abusive manipulating woman...

I know that all of our children know deep in them the TRUTH! and I hope one day somehow someway they will realize that we love them and were hurt by them. I know I have also hurt my son by telling him the truth about a woman when he did not want to hear it... I just hope that in the back of his mind my words linger and he will wake up one day and know that he deserves to be loved and that he is a good person deep inside. And then I hope he is man enough to correct his lies and repair his own world.

We as mothers just have to hold to our principles and know that it is like dealing with a toddler no matter how cute that they are we still have to teach them consequences.

Know that you are in my thoughts at this rough time... Stay true to you!!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mountain Lady... I am sorry that your daughter is moving away.
I also keep hoping that things will change. I tell myself it takes time. I just wonder how much time? I am really just tired of hurting all the time. And then I just tell myself that this hurt is not nearly as bad as having to watch my son suffer at the hands of an abusive manipulating woman...

I know that all of our children know deep in them the TRUTH! and I hope one day somehow someway they will realize that we love them and were hurt by them. I know I have also hurt my son by telling him the truth about a woman when he did not want to hear it... I just hope that in the back of his mind my words linger and he will wake up one day and know that he deserves to be loved and that he is a good person deep inside. And then I hope he is man enough to correct his lies and repair his own world.

We as mothers just have to hold to our principles and know that it is like dealing with a toddler no matter how cute that they are we still have to teach them consequences.

Know that you are in my thoughts at this rough time... Stay true to you!!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Missing my son,
Thank you... I know that things one day will turn around I can hope anyways....


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Wow. I am so happy to find this forum. I was feeling alone, embarrassed, sad, angry and ashamed. I have two daughters, they are in their 20's and have cut me out as well. I have guilt due to issues we have been through and yes I have made mistakes, but what mother hasn't. I found that with my guilt I was allowing them to come into my life whenever they needed something, I was there to buy their love and attention and once that day was done, I wouldn't hear from them again until they ran into another jam. After 6 years of unanswered emails, texts, VM's, I have stopped. There comes a time when you have to stop. The lack of response after so many years become heart wrenching. I fill my time with my dogs(3), my husband who loves me for who I am, and helping out in my community. I love to make people smile and I am learning to love me for who I am today as well. I also learned that I deserve better. Self love has so many benefits. I love my daughters and always will. I hope someday we will have relationships, my daughters and I, and I pray for them every day for their happiness, health and safety. But for today as I am growing older I have to let go and let god. I pray for all of you that you too find peace of mind. Thank you for this wonderful forum:)


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I have no one in my life, my choice, but still I have found peace. You have to think positive and redirect your thoughts when you think about what you have lost and I am very good at that. All I have to is go on a nature walk, read a good book, watch a good movie and listen to music. I think easy listening music is therapy for the soul, especially Slim Whitman.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I was give the best News a mother with a Estrangement for her child could ever been given. My daughter was planning on moving out of state. That was the plan anyways. They had been looking at house's. I thought they where looking for rentals O wow I was so wrong. No they where looking to buy something. Thankfully they do not have credit to do that, and didn't have the 20% the bank was asking for. Plus her boyfriend hasn't been working at the same job for more then 2 yrs. woot woot joys on my part. Ok I know this sounds back but I was thinking if they moved out of area I would never be able to work out our problems.

My daughter called me the other day Not at 1st to ask me for anything, but to tell me that she had moved into a bigger place. She asked if dad and I would stop by some time because she would like to talk to us.

So 2 days ago husband was home and we had bills to buy so we happen to be in town. we stopped in at my daughters her boyfriend was there Husband I sit down on the sofa and he of all people ask me if I would co-sign on a house for them???? lol Really ok... My husband rubbed his head and looked right and my daughter and said WHAT?

So daughter laid down what they are trying to do. They want to love to Idaho and live by her real fathers family and buy a house. she tells us well He (bf) has a job if we can do this. Husband said ok doing what? amount of pay? and how much is this house?

(BF) said well pay is min wage, house is 105k. Husband about falls off the sofa. I looked at my daughter like really you have to be joking me. Then my husband asked them so what do u have saved? Both say nothing.... husband laughs and said sorry we can not help with this. you will have to find other way to buy this house .

So in the long run my daughter is not moving out of state and maybe we can start to work on our problems. We will see.


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Your husband was wise. If someone's credit isn't good enough to qualify for a loan, why should you take the risk? If your daughter and SIL quit making payments, you'd be left holding the bag.

Hopefully things work out with your daughter and she'll come to appreciate you for more than an open checkbook. Right now the best gift you and your husband can give them is a lesson in financial responsibility.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

well today out of the blue my phone rings, its my daughter. this time it was not mom I need money or mom I need this. My daughter called to tell me she loves me and misses me. we didn't talk about the place in Idaho. we talked normal every day things. it was nice.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I am sure it was nice, but what caused the change. Usually when a parent says no it does not cause this kind of reaction.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I am not going to read into anything that she does right now other then look at this as she is trying to be there. and she wants to be part of our lives.

I think a lot of her change of heart is that his family no longer live in the area we live. And I think that she is nesting and she is wanting to be around in my life. My health is not the best and she has heard this from my sister in law. I also think that she is growing up some. and that is a good thing. e will pay this by ear and see how it goes.


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Good for you ML. It is always best to think positive. It's just my experience is not positive where my children are concerned, but I have seen situations where young people make a complete turn around. I hope that is in your future with your daughter.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

What I like about this forum is that parents have decided to accept that their kids are jackasses. Lot of other sites advise you to keep trying after months, years of rejection. My wimpy son and his evil wife have put me through hell the past number of months - she's accused me of everything, even of treating my son like his partner (she's jealous and sees me as his ex, not his mother), but I would respond to her vitriol by saying, "oh honey, I'll do better, I love you so much".. Then my son tells me that I must honor and respect her, or it's a deal breaker. All I had said was, "please stop", because she was on a tirade of criticizing everything I've ever done, every move I've made and lying incessantly about all of it. What every happened to honouring and respecting the mom who gave you everything, the mom, until the witch came along, who said daily that I was the best mom in the world. My response to my son this last time was, "I've had enough of the abuse, I'm done". And I feel better. Abuse is abuse and we should never accept it. I have never let anyone bully my son when he was growing up, yet he and his wife have been bullying me...so it's over. I will go where I'm celebrated, not where I'm barely tolerated. And I agree with the poster who said something like it's a relief not to have to look at their miserable eye rolling faces anymore..we deserve better...oh the one complaint my son now says he has about me, is that I smothered him..that I gave him too much! Take the s off smothered and what do you have - mothered..imagine, I'm accused of acting like a mother...spoiling him rotten was my only crime and I wish I could turn back time, and lay it square on his ass. But we're supposed to love them through it all..this is one mom that isn't feeling too much love right about now!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

What I like about this forum is that parents have decided to accept that their kids are jackasses. Lot of other sites advise you to keep trying after months, years of rejection. My wimpy son and his evil wife have put me through hell the past number of months - she's accused me of everything, even of treating my son like his partner (she's jealous and sees me as his ex, not his mother), but I would respond to her vitriol by saying, "oh honey, I'll do better, I love you so much".. Then my son tells me that I must honor and respect her, or it's a deal breaker. All I had said was, "please stop", because she was on a tirade of criticizing everything I've ever done, every move I've made and lying incessantly about all of it. What every happened to honouring and respecting the mom who gave you everything, the mom who, until the witch came along, you said was the best mom in the world. My response to my son this last time was, "I've had enough of the abuse, I'm done". And I feel better. Abuse is abuse and we should never accept it. I have never let anyone bully my son when he was growing up, yet he and his wife have been bullying me...so it's over. I will go where I'm celebrated, not where I'm barely tolerated. And I agree with the poster who said something like, it's a relief not to have to look at their miserable eye rolling faces anymore..we deserve better...oh the one complaint my son says he had about me, is that I smothered him, that I gave him too much! Take the s off smothered and what do you have - mothered..imagine, I'm accused of acting like a mother...spoiling him rotten was my only crime and I wish I could turn back time, and lay it square on his ass. But we're supposed to love them through it all..this is one mom who isn't feeling too much love right about now!


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2 days ago my daughter called me again. Again it was not mom I need or mom I want. It was to see how things where going with me. My husband thinks that because his family has moved out of the area is only reason that she is calling. I am not sure. And I am doing my best not to read anything into what she is up too.

My Other daughter told me that her sister called her for the 1st time in close to a year. Not to ask her for money or ask her to do something for her. But to just talk. I had to ask her what they talked about because that was not normal at all. My girls have been Fighting for years over Dumb things.

So maybe something Good will come out of all this.... I can only hope.....


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Serenity It sounded like you were writing my history with my sons, except I never confronted them with my feelings, I just stopped the communication. Ever so often one would call for money, the other just to visit while he was drunk and used the F word in almost every sentence. It is sad that I came from a large family, was a good wife and mother and now I am alone, but the peace is worth it and I know how to handle my loneliness on the rare occasion when I get down.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Good evening,
I have one son and he talks and then he doesn't talk. I haven't had it as bad as some of you on this forum but it is painful to go through the crap our kids do to us. It has cost me some money and heartache. My opinion I did too much for him so he expects it. He is 38 years old and has been separated from his wife. They have been together since 13.
He said he was coming home for awhile and I told him that was fine but they are rules. He lives two and half hours away. He said he needed a uhaul. I reserved the uhaul but thought I want to see him in person to make sure he doesn't change my mind. Well my husband and I waited for two hours and finally he calls and is yelling where are you. I couldn't believe it. Met him at storage place and was going to tell him that he can't be yelling like that where I live. Didn't get a chance. He says I don't want to hear you and goes on this big spill about all the bad luck he was having. I thought to myself this isn't going to work out. Then finally he tells me where is the uhaul and I told him I wanted to make sure he was coming. You don't trust me? No I don't. You have to earn trust. He got so mad and don't me to get the h....out of there . I am not going with you until you call me and say you trust me. I am not going to do that. He has done many things in the last 3 years. Well he said he is never going to talk to me again. Not much I can do. Got in the car and told my husband this is the way it is.
It makes me have chest pains and I am sure he could careless, so I understand Emma. I plan on leaving this alone and if he wants to contact me he will.
I am sorry for all the pain everyone has gone through. If we don't let go, it is going to kill us.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Good for you Linda. Life is hard to understand sometimes. Neither of my sons disrespected me when they lived at home, changed completely when they married. I don't even know them anymore.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sun, Jul 7, 13 at 23:29


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mountain Lady
Good for you and your daughter.. Please take it slow and do not let your love rush you. I am so pleased for you and I hope that all works out well for you... Did you get to see the grandbabies? Stay strong and know that we are all rooting for you!

Serenitynot
I will be the first to tell you my son is the KING of all Jackasses! I too gave my son to much. I think now he is choosing to use that as entitlement for more... No thanks. It has been 7 months and still no word either way. I am finding I like the peace of no Drama from him and his woman.

Linda
Never take abuse from anyone. Why is he making you the bad cop when all you are willing to do to help him? Stop helping.. Good for you Lady!!!

I am glad to have found a place with women who know my pain who really know! I have friends and family who say I know how you feel and my response is always the same.. no you do not and I pray that you never do... So to all the women who truly do know... Stay strong and know that you are not alone!!!!


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I am now coming to realise that I cannot have a relationship with my adult daughter. She is hurtful and verbally abusive. She is in her 30's, never married and has a teenage son.

She often suffers depression and does not have it treated. Her longest relationship lasted 3 years. She doesn't keep friends long either as she perceives some slight and banishes them.

She has perceived a slight from me and I am currently banished, though not sure I ever want to be unbanished after many years of this treatment.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Having a rough time here today! I found out that my son has finally texted his sister. He was hurt on the job and at least he reached out to someone. and I also hear he has talked to his Grandmother. I am happy for them but I am so sad that still he will not speak to me. I am so tempted to just call him. I will not, but I am tempted. I also see that his best friend who was like another son to me has defriended me on FB. another sign that my Son thinks I am awful.. Just a tad bit down and I am fighting that Mommy thing to rush in and fix things... Trying to stay strong just really wanting my child back....


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

It's bad enough we have problems in real life, but people post in a place where They can be bashed and hurt online with everyone you know watching. I would shut that down so fast. I don't understand that at all. No wonder people don't have good relationships anymore. We need face to face communications, not that junk.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

O' believe me I am taking it very slow almost like baby steps. She did call me yesterday and again it was not for money or mom I need this. She didn't call me to yell at me or anything else.

yes I have seen the babies and they are just too cute. Very little but so where my kids. (twin watching TV in their room)


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

O' believe me I am taking it very slow almost like baby steps. She did call me yesterday and again it was not for money or mom I need this. She didn't call me to yell at me or anything else.

yes I have seen the babies and they are just too cute. Very little but so where my kids. (twin watching TV in their room)


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

H i, I just signed up here. I am looking for advice. I had to move away from my 3 kids 2 years ago to be near a specalist in my disease (I am dieing) in that time only 2 came to visit. Me once a little a year and a half ago. I visit them when my health permits maybe every 8 weeks, My married daughter lives in my house, pays no rent, yet complains about me coming to visit, my son wants nothing to do with me he lives with his father and grand father. ( my ex has been sleeping on their couch for 14 years and has not worked in 13.5 he quit the day the divorce became final to avoid child support) I have given my three kids everything, worked 2full time jobs and ran a smallinternet busness on the side to put them through college. Now everything is my fault. Now I am dieing have maybe a year. Can't work can't pay both house payments so my daughter will be out of that house soon. What I want to know is, what have I done wrong, why won't they talk to me. How do I get past this. Even though I have disagreed with their choices, I have never said a thing. I don't talk about my health with them. They have stated they don't want to know. I am careful to always be upbeat but still as far as they are concerned I am not worth a plug nickle.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Momo, you have probably done nothing to cause the rift. I think if we cause an estrangement we know what we have done. If we don't know then it's the child wanting money or jealously or many other things. Just work at accepting the situation and redirect your thinking to more pleasant things. That sounds simple but believe me it does work. I would NEVER let anyone know how much they hurt me, I think that gives them more power and satisfaction. Get on with your life forget them.

I don't believe in lying for any reason, but I wish I had the common sense that my friend did. Her husband always bailed out their children when they had a problem. He died and of course they expected her to do the same. When the first one asked for money she said something like this....I don't have the money to give you. Your Dad had been retired a long time and we have lived off our money, there is none left to give you. This was a lie but it saved her from years of hearing sad stories and feeling bad because she wouldn't give them what they wanted. They both became independent, so she helped them in the long run.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Mountain lady, the babies are so sweet, but be careful about posting the pictures of children on the net. If a pedophile is computer savy and the poster is not, the photos can be tracked to a block of the place the photos were taken.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Wow. 10 months to the day and I get a text Hello from my son. I did nothing and then I get a call. I did not answer. I was at work and did not think that was the place to deal with any of this. well when I got home I replied to the text. and said I was at work what was up? HE CALLED! Yes he called me on behalf of my granddaughter... I said what granddaughter. He and the woman are having a baby. I do not feel that this changes anything. I do not know what he wants from me. He asked me to leave him alone and I have now that he is having a child he needs to tell me? Why? He still does not want to be a part of our lives and he does not want us to be a part of his. So please someone tell me what this is all about? I am so confused...


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Wow. 10 months to the day and I get a text Hello from my son. I did nothing and then I get a call. I did not answer. I was at work and did not think that was the place to deal with any of this. well when I got home I replied to the text. and said I was at work what was up? HE CALLED! Yes he called me on behalf of my granddaughter... I said what granddaughter. He and the woman are having a baby. I do not feel that this changes anything. I do not know what he wants from me. He asked me to leave him alone and I have now that he is having a child he needs to tell me? Why? He still does not want to be a part of our lives and he does not want us to be a part of his. So please someone tell me what this is all about? I am so confused...


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If he asked you to leave him alone.....now he calls, he must want something or is intentionally hurting you. Letting you know what you are missing out on. Don't answer the phone when he calls.


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Oh that boy wants something all right. I found out he is also calling all the extended family. He has not spoken to his one grandmother in years and now that he is having a baby he wants us all to send him gifts.

Not once in all of this has he said I want to repair our relationship he said he needs baby furniture. I told him he would work it all out and thanks for calling...

I am done being used. I also am not the one who will need daycare and financial help... I know he will be calling more and more now and I am busy! Life goes on...

I realize that the only thing I have missed out on is his hysterics and drama so life with out him is peaceful. He asked me to go away and leave him alone I have done that I feel he has no right to ask anything else of me ever. He made this choice and now he can live with it.

I also know if I let him back because of a baby he will lord that child over me like a golden carrot and constantly threaten to take it away. Nope not interested! He can man up and work on repairing it all or he can leave me alone.... I am done with him breaking my heart over and over again. No Thank you Drama free zone.... go somewhere else..

Staying strong


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Good for you recognizing the problem and following through. I was lucky in a way because my separation from my children happened over many years of no contact except request for money and it was me that drew away. It is not near as traumatic as when it happens suddenly.


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It's Christmas Day today, my daughter hasn't spoken to me for going on two years... Because I didn't go and pick her up when my car was in the garage and she didn't believe that I couldn't... And now my son isn't speaking to me either. He has gone to his sister's house for Christmas. His reason is that he fell out with my partner. My parter was at fault, I accept that, but I was caught in the middle, then three weeks ago my partner beat me up very badly and I was lucky to escape with my life.I am now recovering and he won't speak to me because he says that it is my fault. I accept that my daughter is never coming back, but my son is the child that I am closest to and right now I need him. I'm still in a lot of pain from the attack, shaken and unable to sleep. My ex is in prison and i am doing what I can to assist the police and keep him there. I've messaged my son and said that I'm sorry and he knows how much this is hurting me. My daughter will be loving the fact that he has cut me off too as she hates me. How do I get through to him?


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Starbuck, no one but you can fix this problem and that is done by accepting the fact and get on with your life. Do something that takes your mind off of your problems. My mother taught me that I could feel better by not dwelling on the things that bother me. All of my life I took long walks, really long walks. When I came home I felt much better. I also read, watch feel good movies and simply distract myself. Letting them see how hurt you are gives them power. Don't call or write either of them. If they think you don't care it may have more affect on them than contacting them. Get on with your life.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Starbuck
Please take care of yourself. Make sure to do whatever it takes. I am sorry about your children. EmmaR is right get on with your life. I am hoping you have a better 2014


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I was happy to come across this forum. I have never shared my story and have found myself becoming more depressed because of this. My 33 year old daughter has completely shut us out of her life. It is an incredibly long and very sad story. She has struggled her whole life with keeping relationships, holding a job for more than a few months, or being morally or financially responsible or accountable for anything in her life. Six years ago, she and her live - in boyfriend gave birth to our precious grandson. Less than a year later they split up and we, along with my parents, have supported her financially and emotionally. There are so many things that have happened but honestly it would take me days to share it all. To make an incredibly long story somewhat shorter, when our grandson was three, she met (and 6 months later married) a man who has forever changed our lives. He has been married 3 times before and has a child from each previous marriage. He owns 2 businesses (one is a puppy store and one is a vapor/e - cigarette distribution business) and evidently is financially successful. He seemed quite aloof when we first met him, and rarely wanted our daughter to spend any time with us. After researching a bit, we learned that he has been charged and convicted on two separate charges, for domestic abuse. When we shared this information with our daughter, we were then blocked from her phone, email, FB, etc., and I was served with a protective order to not have any further contact with them . They have since then given birth to a sweet little boy who we have not seen. She has shut out ALL members of our family and sent me an email, telling me that she wants nothing to do we it any of us, ever again--because of our feelings about her husband. Fortunately we are still able to see our first grandson through his father (she has since given him up to his father because her husband "does not get a long with [him]". He is a happy boy living with his dad and we are so thankful that he is still in our life. I am do incredibly sad about this situation and I am constantly worried about the welfare of my daughter. We have always been so close and there is a hole in my heart. She has told friends of mine that she "truly hates [me]" and this cuts right through me. I can't force myself on her for fear of any legal ramifications. It has been so difficult and I guess I just want to find a way to cope.


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Hey I am a mom of two children who from my first marriage ended up disowning me after five and half years of trying to hold on to them. I will make it brief.. he and I divorced, i was abroad in canada had two children, left him to end a very bad situation , the kids chose their dad, and his family drove me out of the country, had to go home to U.S , for my safety. I have been for the five years we've been apart, skyping and writing to them everyday , encouraging things, but they today due to their fathers hate of me, wrote me a terrible letter, calling me a dead beat mom, and never want to ever speak to me again, the other child is drug ridden, alcoholic, and doing things that are dangerous.. and now i dont have anyway to watch over or know anything about whats going on. I am so torn up tonight not sure what to do, how to fix it..I am remarried, and have two children with my new husband of four years. Any help or ideas how do you go on, they are my life, the reason i survived the horrific things i did in canada...help.. signed blessed but so sad tonight


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First of all, I'd like to respond to all the posters that have politely disregarded their parents, and attempted to invalidate the issue of being estranged from Ones parents. Don't get me wrong, there are many situations where abuse in some form have resulted in adult children wanting nothing to do with the parent. But, I'm not talking about those scenarios. Its just my opinion but, in my opinion the last generation...you know the 80's, and some of the early 90's babies....are what I like to call the "angry, me-myself-and-I, cry baby" generation. I know first hand how utterly self-absorbed, and victimized this generation can be. Always using their childhood disappointments, and hard times as an excuse to be an *%!hole to their parents now. Blaming every little challenge in life on their childhood. Listen, I wasn't the BEST mother in the world but, I certainly was NOT the worst either. If you're a forgiving, and compassionate person, there are no guarantees your kids will be. If you were respectful to your parents, and grandparents, it doesn't mean you raised your own children to be that way. It's easy to blame the parents, continue to carry anger toward them. It's easier for some to ignore when they are so self-absorbed. You have to let them go. There's nothing you can do or say to change what their actions are as adults. Love them from afar, grieve for your loss, and carry on. You know the real tragedy in these situations is that by the time your kids yearn for a hug or the support that only a parent can give unconditionally, you will be dead. They will kick themselves in the butt for not asking you that one last question, or just taking a little extra time to call you. They only miss you, and appreciate you when you're gone.


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I have experienced decades of emotional abuse from my husband. While trying to cope with his emotional abuse, he was aligning my kids against me. i have been dealing with extreme abuse from my adult children who are 27, 31, and 33. My two daughters testified against me in a final hearing for an order of protection against their father, which I got for two years. During the last two years of litigation with their controlling father, I am now trying to have a voice on what happened to me with my attorney and yet again they are coming to court to testify I told them I had a fair settlement.


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So often the children align or identify with one parent or the other, & they become either the abuser's next victim or the victim's next abuser.

I'm so sorry.


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This all sounds so familiar - I have twin girls born in 1988. My marriage was highly abusive and after 7 years I had to get out. I had custody until they were 13 then because of a comment that was disrespectful made by the oldest twin to me I slapped at her meaning to pop her mouth but I missed. I felt horrible about it and apologized and cried to my girls and it seemed everything was fine. They went and visited their father that weekend and didn't come home. When I called I found out he had filed child abuse charges on me and the girls weren't coming home.

I had remarried to a wonderful man and since had a son he was 4 years old when they left. We had to go to court where the charges were thrown out and I had to start paying 500 month child abuse and lost child support of 850 a month. It's been 14 years and I've tried numerous times only to realize if I give them everything they want they will "let me" be a part of their lives. In other words money.

Their father is evil and they love him I can't change that and obviously didn't love me at all

Life goes on and I tried to self destruct because it hurt so bad--I began drinking and for years tired to numb the pain. It led me to get in the car one night not knowing I was and have an accident that I should've died in. I didn't but now I now I have a life changing injury.

My family hank God has stuck by me and don't think I never tried. I emailed them called them and you know what they did- called the police and had the. Call me to tell me I was not to contact them anymore. Yeah that happened after I stopped the money and stopped carrying health insurance on them.

I found out the other day one is now married and has had a child---and here goes the heartbreak again....it will be for the rest of my life but I'm here and not drinking anymore and praying a whole lot these days. God spoke to me so clearly while I was laid up after my accident and he said--it's not your sin anymore---THEY are 26 year old adults....and I've let them go. Does my heart still ache yes and it always will but I no longer desire them in my life--I'm done---no contact done.....I have to move on and get the rest of my life some sort of substance. I thank God for my husband and it's sad because he loved them just like a daughter and now he wants nothing to so with them nor does their brother...I guess watching me all those years left them numb.

I've read some comments on here and the bottom line is this...do you really want your child in your life knowing they don't "love" you and at what point do you say enough is enough. I think I'm there---and the ironic thing was that this man who used to beat me and verbally cuss me IN front of my girls - yes they remembered it---they worship and he gets to enjoy them and I'm an abuser??????? Imagine being me???


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I'm so sorry.

I sometimes think that there really aren't any new stories in the world;
they're all very very old.

I once knew a young woman, call her Jennifer, who 'hated' her mother, who had 'abandoned' Jennifer & her younger brother when they were little, & who had divorced their father so she could live a carefree single life.

The father re-married & had 2 or 3 more children, & there was a definite difference between the way the couple treated his first family & his second.

It was jaw-droppingly like Cinderella:
Jennifer & her brother wore thrift store clothes & weren't allowed to have after-school activities, had to go to work when they turned 14 or 16 or whatever the minimum age is.

The second wife's children wore nice clothes from department stores, & their mother chauffeured them to & from school activities, & they weren't allowed to work because they had to study & have a social life.

& the father?
Jennifer adored him, idolized him...
& he never made a peep.

On Jennifer's 18th birthday, her mother called her & asked her to lunch.

Her mom came to the restaurant with a huge cardboard box, & she showed Jennifer all the court records & all
the birthday & Christmas presents, the Valentine cards, the games & toys & clothes that she'd been sending all these years, that the father & stepmother had marked "refused" at the post office.

The court records showed that Jennifer's father had been charged with sexual abuse of a child, & that her mother had filed for divorce when she found out about it.

The father's then-girlfriend, later wife, had testified that she knew that it never happened, & he got off.

I don't know how that happened;
it was a long time ago, & this guy was a 'respected member of the community', but I do feel like the 2nd wife lied for him, & she had him over a barrel, & that's why he gave her free rein to treat his children the way she did.

So Jennifer's mother had filed for custody, & he fought it, & he had more money, & by this time his girlfriend had testified that she was a warm & loving mother who would welcome these little children to her heart.

The mom said that she eventually realized that all the court drama & uproar were hurting the children & that she couldn't win, so she agreed to let the kids' father have custody, as long as she could have visitation...

but once they got the kids, they refused to let her see or talk to her children, & they told the kids that their mother had abandoned them.

I know it's a very long story, but the message is that
your children will grow up, & eventually, maybe not when they're 18, maybe not until they're about 40 & become more reflective & self-analytical, they'll think back on what actually went on.

People don't always figure it out;
sometimes they go through their entire lives believing the family lie, & there's nothing you can do about that, but if they do figure it out, your relationship with them will change for the better.

Meanwhile, I'd say shake the dust of the past off your dainty slippers & relish your life.

I wish you the very best.


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RE: Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

Thank you Sylvia-
I re-read what I posted I wrote it so fast I guess I really needed to get it out--and life does go on. I'm finally through the worst of it. I am going through counseling so that helps - I really thought I was alone until I found this forum I've never met another parent like me. Thank you for the encouragement


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