Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children
res1705
14 years ago
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naturewoman0123
6 years agonaturewoman0123
6 years agoRelated Discussions
For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See Moreestrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreQuestions for estranged adult offspring
Comments (4)Hgtvme, thank you SO very much for chiming in! Your fair and objective assessment of your sister/niece situation parallels my experience. Hats off for taking a stand, introducing some healthy boundaries. I lived overseas for over eight years, and visits to my parents/sibs were expensive and exhausting. I arrived laden with gifts, often did heavy much-needed cleaning projects, drove siblings to and from school, private lessons, practice. Yet the parents didn't have the grace or self-control to act like decent neutral adults while I was there. Young siblings would tell me how much she complained to everyone about me, cautiously ask if I really hated her that much. Hello? Grow up and leave the kids OUT of it; be an adult and work to resolve the conflict, find solutions. Except, noooooooo. They're just like hgtvme's sister. I'm so glad to hear, hgtvme, that you protected your kids from that mess. A few days ago, I paid a hefty international forwarding-service fee to receive mail from my parents, who keep on writing to my old address on another continent. Respecting my request for no contact was too much to ask of them. Mother's note mentioned telling someone _she'd_ _just_ _met_ (!?!!) about how distant I am now and about me calling the rescue squad 20 years ago when she was hemorrhaging. She closed with, "I miss the you that loved me + I will never be able to, or want to, get over it. Your wannabe friend" She deserves credit for digging deep to find something nice to say about me that doesn't involve material gifts. One of her compliments once was about looking around and seeing reminders of my value everywhere. Like half her wardrobe. If she thinks material contribution is my value ...heaven help us all. Never mind that anyone would call for help even for an arch enemy, or that by that point she'd long since crushed all affection I'd felt for her as a child. She came up with something not about stuff, and that's a real stretch for her. The "friendship" she wants from me would involve tolerating her outbursts and attacks, giving her gifts, writing checks, taking her out to lunch and shopping, all the while _never_ expressing anything about myself or my own interests, as that causes her to shut down, feel tired. She's blocked in her own pain, engulfed by her late mother etc. For years, I "did the right thing." But she's like the scorpion who can't resist stinging. Other choice phrases of hers include: "When are you going to arrive back in my life?" "When is your cold shoulder going to warm up?" "It feels like you're older than I am." "You're just bitter and want any excuse to avoid a relationship." In her world, there's zero connection between her rejecting, demeaning, using behavior since I was small and my choice of distance. Everything comes from outside herself. Her wishes MUST be fulfilled; denial of this, drawing of boundaries is an assault out of nowhere. It's truly a mystery to her. She must sense that all chance of contacting me is nearing an end, if she's writing in a positive (for her!) tone and expressing appreciation for something non-material. That's _huge_! But I know the routine: as soon as I'm back within her grasp, the snark begins again. The turning people against me hasn't stopped and won't, as she doesn't see it as such. It went on even when I was calling regularly to let them talk, visiting as often as possible, writing often, giving them more than I could reasonably afford. Kissing up "for the sake of the greater good" (shudder!) is no longer an option. hgtvme, if you have a chance to leaf through past threads, it may become clearer that Silversword's mum has some issues consistent with a diagnosable personality disorder. As far as I can tell just from reading, Silversword has already given her mother myriad generous chances to clear the air. Asking S's mum to participate in honest solution-finding is like asking a toddler to drive a truck cross-country. She'd agree to do it and she'd sincerely want the positive outcome, but just doesn't have it in her or even any idea what it entails. That's my take anyhow, open to correction by Silversword. You both sound like a warm, loving, accepting, healthfully protective mothers; I'm hoping to process my own pain and move on so I'll be more and more like that. Not sure where my parenting currently falls... PsMum...See Moreadult children estrangment
Comments (5)mary helen, I am sorry. I think I was so excited to find a board like this, I read thru everything too quickly ! My mom smothered me too, and spoiled me to death,,,but not for me,but for her needs.Actually I was somewhat of a toy in my family !Both parents, were orphans, and had no idea how to parent. They were married 14 years before I came along. My mother became ill, right after my birth. I was sent to live with virtual strangers..my father's then boss and his wife. They had no children, and all they did was smoke and drink...I was so alone most of my growing up years.I saw my parents infrequently, and was always asking when I could go home. I guess,the estrangement with my daughter now, is triggering lots of unwanted memories... My daughter has behaved like your eldest daughter in the past. I feel very much the stranger,the aquaintance. I wish I understood how they can keep going without acknowledging us ? I don't know why, either, and perhaps never will,but I have a wee bit of hope that once married and settled, we can have some sort of relationship...by phone and email as she will be in Japan. I only realized that there are (at least) 2 boards like this...I have been writing sort of haphazardly to both. Do you do that too ? Love, Bea...See Morenaturewoman0123
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6 years agoTheCatholicGirl .
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