1. My adult children do not contact me whatsoever and for a while I decided to ignore these snubs and send them occasional Emails anyway telling them how and what I am doing. However, never getting a response makes me wonder if I am not setting myself up for ridicule like not getting the message that no contact with me is wanted.

2. Getting a pet is a great coping mechanism as you have another being that is grateful for your love and affection and needs you as much as you need the pet.

3. Volunteer with seniors, children or animals - it is very rewarding and volunteer help is always needed.

4. Start a new hobby to take your mind off things you cannot change.

5. Lastly, pray for your peace of mind so that being ignored by children you have loved and cared for most of your life will not cause you anymore pain.

Regarding your situation, send an email every once in while if you want to, not to often. Don't get personal, just greetings and no overtures. You might mention things from the past, happy things, that will stir their memories. Most of what my boys talked about when they grew up was the good times they had as children, camping, skating, etc..

Your suggestion were very good. It is the nagging things that we think about all the time, that make us unhappy. Anything to take you mind off of it.

Most of the coping strategies that you list above are just good activities to involve oneself in anyway. I think they will only add to your life and enjoyment and I think it will promote greater wellbeing. When you focus on that then it creates more happiness. I meet so many people who spend a lot of time focusing on how unhappy they are and they spread their misery to everyone around them. It's not good to ignore one's feelings and I'm not suggesting that, but one needs to recongize how they relate to others can also create a lot of unhappiness. Greater happiness in yourself is beneficial to self-esteem, which can only have positive benefits in your relationships with others.

You cannot control others. If you feel hurt that they do not respond to your emails, then maybe don't send them. Try an occasional update by regular mail and don't even bring up the subject of your feeling hurt or rejected by their lack of response. I don't know their circumstances and maybe they are in a period of their life where they feel a lot of stress or demands on them. Sometimes the needs of others often feel like another miserable demand and a burden. Needy, demanding people rarely see themselves that way or as selfish and controlling.

I send my mother letters and rarely call her. This is a coping mechanism for me. I do ask how she is doing, however she cannot monopolize the conversations talking all about herself and her problems overwhelming me with her complaints and issues and I'm not on the receiving end of her emotionally abusive behaviors and her taking her unhappiness out on me. This is how I've learned to cope with her. I wish the situation were different, but she is who she is and ignores my feelings. Writing her allows me to selectively provide her with tidbits of what is going on in my life. It also prevents her from ignoring boundaries, being intrusive or imposing on me. How she gets her needs met is destructive to me, although she cannot hear this or choses not too. Also, she can chose to read it, which is a form of listening and respond or she can ignore it and write back all about herself. This is how I keep her in my life, but from a safe distance and she cannot turn everything into all about herself and her needs and issues. It feels more balanced and healthy for me as well and I don't have to deal with her control issues.

I do not know what kind of relationship you have with your children or the reasons for the estrangement as each situation is unique. All I can offer is what I've learned to do in my situation. I focus on what helps me to feel content, because I am not responsible for other people and their choices or emotions.

Personally, I would skip sending them a postcard picture to manipulate an emotional response or as you said to "rattle" them into responding unless you are trying to impose guilt, which can backfire. Trying to manipulate people's emotions is never a good way to improve relationships, unless you want people to pretend or are merely trying to get your way, despite how others feel.

Good luck to you...I wish you the best and enjoy your trip.

Great list! I wish more parents would follow your counsel.

Stargazzer's examples are uplifting. I notice that she was direct, creative and attuned to the other person's needs. Nothing she did could be considered nagging, begging or manipulative.

If you're not receiving responses to e-mails, I wouldn't bother with post.

(That said, you're not sending mails list-style, are you? My mother tried that and it offended all recipients, which shocked her since she has 0 idea of netiquette.)

flowergardenmuse wrote:

> maybe they are in a period of their life where they feel a lot of stress or demands on them. Sometimes the needs of others often feel like another miserable demand and a burden. Needy, demanding people rarely see themselves that way or as selfish and controlling.
>

While res1705 doesn't sound this way to me at ALL, this really resonates with me. My own parents refused to respect my requests for space, a break from contact at the very worst time of my life. I'm sure they wanted to "keep lines of communication open" and I imagine they wanted comfort as my h's death was a loss for them as well. But every letter has felt like they were grinningly steamrolling what was left of my being.

Didn't they realize that if I would find any support at all in it, I would CALL them? I don't buy what they probably tell themselves, that their letters were loving. It was about their need to feel loved and connected, and they acted this out at a very high price to me.

My mother can't "listen" even to a short card! I've received strange letters in which she warps what I wrote so bizarrely, I began saving copies of anything I sent. She's the one who taught me to read, so I'm certain she's not dyslexic.

Perhaps it would be useful to have a point about determining when to occasionally send notes and when to lay off. I'm not sure how my requests for no-contact could have been more explicit, but I'd suggest that parents definitely take no as no. Their violation of this is why the break is approaching permanancy.

Does the idea of directing venting appropriately fit with your point 5? My mother complains about me to people she's just met, which seems misaligned with her own mother's standards of decorum. She's said that she's finally rebelling against her late mother, but it's been going on about 20 years and inappropriate venting is a burden on siblings who have to hear it. As a teen, I apologized to a neighbor (basically for existing) and asked why she was being so nice after all she'd heard. All she said was "it takes two to tango."

I didn't mean to hijack this thread! Just to send a big hearty "YEAH res1705!" a suggestion for further points, and say have a great trip.

PsMum

"While res1705 doesn't sound this way to me at ALL, this really resonates with me."

Part of my response was mainly directed at her second response.

"My own parents refused to respect my requests for space, a break from contact at the very worst time of my life. I'm sure they wanted to "keep lines of communication open" and I imagine they wanted comfort as my h's death was a loss for them as well. But every letter has felt like they were grinningly steamrolling what was left of my being."

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Yes, I can very well understand how it feels to have to deal with people who cannot respect one's request for space. My mother sounds similar to yours. My mother and sisters always ignored my feelings and requests as it was all about them. They fail to see this. They refuse to see how aggressive, needy, demanding and unreasonable their behaviors have been. It is all about them, yet they conveniently twist it all around into that it is somehow my deficiency. It was very crazy-making to me.

My husband has behaved similarly and done the same, although his behaviors were more subtle. He refused to address his own issues, ignored my feelings and refused to set boundaries or limits on many of his associations. It's a hard situation to explain, but his people-pleasing and wanting others acceptance at all costs combined with his controlling behaviors and conflict-avoidance made the situation ripe for an emotionally exhausting, abusive and draining environment. He refused to assert himself with people and preferred to not address issues, allowing me to always take the hits and blame and be on the receiving end of other people's rage, all because he cannot assert himself and cannot say no to others imposing on us (basically me through him). He goes along with everything, almost to gain people's approval and acceptance.

Yes, I've saved all correspondences from my family or started too for the same reasons you mention above--the bizzare interpretations and the twisting of what I said. Yes, my mother, sisters and actually so many of the women who by way of my husband (his friend's wives, etc.) all have indulged in inappropriate venting. They dump and unload yet they never have time to hear my issues. It is all about them. They treated me like a burden for just having feelings and desiring to express them without ever considering how they were burdening me, so I do get exactly what you are saying. Their response is to not take responsibility, but twist it all around and then offer non-apologies such as they didn't intend too, etc. I'm imperfect...blah, blah, blah.

Yes, I too, basically felt apologetic for having feelings and desiring to feel heard and understood--just existing. My suicide attempt as a teen was because I felt like I didn't matter to anyone. Their behaviors and comments basically demonstrated how very little empathy and compassion they felt towards me. It was all about them and their issues. If this was not their intent their communication and behaviors demonstrated otherwise.

Lately, my mother has written a few letters and starts out telling me that she loves me. I find it very odd given that all of her life she spent so much time telling me what a horrible child I was and unloading all of her unhappiness. I always felt overwhelmed by my family, and then my husband and his associations. I know she once said that she felt that I offered her greater understanding than my sisters (when I asked for clarification she said that I was more empathetic and therefore she felt closer to me). That was my role and her USE for me. My sisters resented that closeness, although they can never acknowledge the price I paid for it as it is all about them and their anger and resentment.

Well, I don't feel that you hjacked the thread. Some of what you wrote resonates with me as well. That's not such a good thing, but it feels at least good to know that someone out there can relate.

Flower