Jan_in_wisconsin, neither of my kids had ADHD, so I don't have the voice of experience to help with that aspect of it. I can tell you my thoughts, but I don't know if they fit the situation or not. Hopefully someone more experienced than me will chime in.

I think you did a good thing getting him to commit to pursuing a waiver for the ADHD rather than lying. Lying about the issue sounds like a big problem in the making.

We cannot afford to pay for so much of his expenses for this next year while he delays starting at the new college and then continue to pay for expenses over then next few years after that as well.

My advice is don't pay for something you really can't afford. Decide what you will and won't pay for and follow through on that.

In my heart, I think this is a big mistake, and I realize I need to let him make his own choices, but this is SO hard, because the military is not something that you can just change your mind about after you have committed.

If he is over 18 I doubt you can stop him from enlisting in the National Guard if that is what he's determined to do. You can provide advice and support, but in the end he is an adult and he will have to choose to succeed. You can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink and all that.

Plus, raising him has really been difficult (lots of ups and downs with his behavior at home, in school, and the community), and it seems like there is no end in sight. I don't know what to do or what to say any more. I don't like the way he talks to me. He is a know-it-all and has a HUGE ego (narcissistic?). It hurts me, the way he treats me.

I sympathize completely. We try so hard as parents to do our very best. It's hard to watch them fall, and it hurts when they treat us badly.

My suggestion is that you and your husband go get counseling from a counselor familiar with college-age ADHD young adults. My 20 year old daughter was recently diagnosed (not with ADHD) and my husband and I went for counseling. We told the counselor when we made the appointment that we wanted someone to help us decide where the line was between supporting and enabling. It sounds like that's what you need.

You probably really need advice from someone who works with ADHD young adults.

I don't like the way he talks to me.

You can probably fix that. A counselor can help you with that.

My thoughts are with you. I hope you find something that works for your family. My heart goes out to all the young people, too, who struggle with issues like ADD or ADHD.

First and foremost you need to report the recruiter now!! He gets paid to recruit people and he knows darn well your son would not be excepted with his ADHD and medication he is taking!!! He is breaking the law.

Next, you need to sit your son down and tell him your money stops now. You are not helping him. I know ADHD kids that are doing very well on their own. Your son needs a push to do this. You aren't helping him by doing all that you do. I'm not saying don't help him, just scale a lot of it down. He has a long road ahead and he needs to know how to stay on the right side. Is it hard to stop, yes it is but it needs to be done and soon. Putting yourself in financial difficulty doesn't help anything. Get tough!! It will help all of you in the long run..

Yes, you should report the problem. Your son cannot go into any service if it is as severe as you describe. My son was like that only years ago they did not call it ADHA. Yes he was on something. He went into the AF and survived but did have some serious problems which he took care of. Yes he still has problems today, but we used tough love all his life, and still do today. He is married, and they decided not to have children, which they both accept is ok, and it is with us. We have helped him out more that we should have, but insisted he pay us back and he does--eventually. Besides the meds you need to suggest very strong he watch his diet. Sugar and preservatives are the big culprits. They need to be monitored.

First, thanks so much to all of you who responded. It is immensely helpful to hear from other parents.

From your feedback, we are now working up a new financial plan whereby our son will have to pay for all of his own living expenses and educational expenses. We will save money each month for his ongoing education, but we will not give it to him unless he passes his classes and makes satisfactory progress. I also bought a book about setting boundaries with adult children, and it is helping me discern the difference between helping and enabling. The enabling has to stop. Counseling is also a possibility, and it would be critical that the counselor understand the functional impairments such as lack of self regulation caused by ADHD.

We reported the National Guard recruiter to a supervisor, and he was disciplined for encouraging our son to stop his medication (recruiter is not a doctor) and lie on the recruitment forms (felony). We were right that the ADHD medication would need to stop and that our son would have to prove successful functioning for at least a year before he could hope to get a medical waiver. He has decided against this route (cannot tolerate delayed gratification for enlistment bonus), and we are relieved about that.

Unfortunately, the drama continues, as we just learned that he will not be passing his EMT class because he did not submit his immunization paperwork in time to complete the required clinical portion of the class. I cannot even tell you how upset I am with his disorganization and irresponsible actions. Plus, he blames everyone and everything else (the state, the college, his instructor, the "system", etc.) other than himself. We are not paying for him to retake this class, which is a pre-requisite for the fire medic program. I believe he was only achieving a "C", which is the bare minimum to pass, anyway. I have serious doubts that he can succeed as a student at this time. He has failed to modify his behavior whatsovever.

I'm finding it hard to like him right now. Lots of parents brag about their children and are so proud of them, but I'm stuck feeling used and disappointed. His personality is so much different than ours, and it's hard for me to see his life such a mess (literally and figuratively). He cannot discipline himself to ever clean up anything, so when he comes home and I see his truck full of trash (inside and outside), including soda cans and food containers, grease, etc., it seems like a metaphor for his life. He is having so much trouble getting his act together. I pray that he will learn and mature with time.

In the meantime, it's tough to only be called when we are needed for money or some other problem. My heart is broken.