My Psychologist Daughter has estranged herself from family
ohiomom2010
13 years ago
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13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Estranged Daughter
Comments (3)I don't know what to say to help you other than continue to try and contact her. Write a letter and send it. Don't put blame anywhere, just that you want to talk to her and figure out how to make things better. Keep calling, keep writing, just don't stalk. Try calling once daily, then e-mail every other day or so...something like that. My step son was brainwashed by his BM- the school even said so. It is a little different because he was only 8 years old at the time. BM would sometimes show with my ss to exchange custody to my husband and my ss would refuse to go with my husband. My husband kept showing up, no matter what. He kept calling, in an appropriate manner, even though they would change their number or not answer the phone- sometimes answer and hang up on him. In the long run, it worked out well for my husband. Now, when my ss begins feelings like we don't want him around, we remind him about his dad always showing up for visitation and that will never change. His dad (and I) will always 'show up' or always want him around because that is what fathers and families do. Just keep trying- some of this could be her age she wanting to believe in her father- who knows, but keep trying to talk to her. Not to mention, she may need some help with college and money so it may be she has to contact you for help at some point in the future....See MoreEstranged from my Daughter
Comments (7)Thanks strawberryl...you are right. I have been trying to hold my head up high and remember that I came through all the garbage that I put myself through and that I have to keep trucking on. I am a lot stronger now than I was then. I guess the fear that I have now is that she is getting comfortable with the idea of me not being in her life and I am getting used to coping with her not being in it. Don't get me wrong...everyday I carry around this sad feeling deep down inside. I tell myself to be happy because it doesn't come naturally on it's own. That sad feeling though never goes away....ever...but I have learned to cope and keep on living life. Where as before I think the drinking problem was my escape from it because I didn't know how to cope without her. I wanted to stay numb to everything and not face it. Now...I have to face it on my own without medicating myself to block it out. I'm afraid sometimes she will forget what I look like or she will forget the times we had together. If I sit long enough and think about her I feel like I am going to fall apart. I think the reason I have relationship problems is because I feel guilty for being happy. Like I don't deserve to be happy. I made a mess of my child's life (of course I blame her father too) but he takes no blame for it so I feel like it all falls back on me. Every tear she crys and every bad night she has when she can't sleep from now until forever will be my fault some how. It's hard to live with that feeling everyday. People around me tell me that I have let this go on so long that I can't expect things to get any better. I backed off from pushing her into being in my life out of fear....her dad told me to leave her be for awhile and let her settle down and get used to the idea that we were divorced. I think during that time he was doing everything he could to convince her she didn't need me anymore and now she believes it. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She shows no emotion and doesn't want to talk about anything with me. She will continually repeat the same thing over and over again...."i don't want to talk right now" she will say that throughout the whole time I am trying to talk to her. I can't seem to prove to an attorney or a judge that I think he has emotionally abused her. They tell me to prove it. It is my word against his. There was a day that I went to the school...it was on her birthday last year to see her and when I got there she started crying and told me her dad might be there too. Well....he never showed up and once she realized he wasn't going to be there too...she looked at me and said "well I just won't tell you daddy that you came up here". I found it very odd but didn't say much about it because all her friends were around and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it in front of them. Later that night I called her dad and asked about giving her presents to her. I told him that they wouldn't let me leave them at the school so I need to meet up with him so I can give them to him. He told me I was lying and that I had not been up at the school because when he asked our daughter about whether I had been there or not she told him no. She lied to him about it. Why would she feel the need to lie to her dad about having seen me???? She even lied to her grandmother about it (his mom) and I really think there is something up with that. She acts scared to be with me or even speak with me. Part of me wants to go back to court and fight this out there but then I worry as to what he may do or say to our daughter. I feel like she is in a horrible position where she has to act like she hates me otherwise he will be angry with her. She won't admit that but I know something is wrong. I just don't know what to do about it....See MoreAny Mothers estranged from daughters by choice?
Comments (16)Not sure about the mental illness, but it's a great possibility. I have a BIL and SIL who are bipolar. One worse than the other. Another SIL is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She did things like your daughter does. She also had abortions and is divorced. I asked two woman once who had had abortion how they felt. If it was painful. They both said physically it was okay. Emotionally it was hell. Maybe your daughter feels like she doesn't deserve to be alive after having so many abortions and losing so many children. Maybe she's trying to destroy herself because of the emotional pain she is suffering because of her choices and then, when she's sober looks for hope, and then gets down again. Up and down! Up and down! Not getting into a long story but one that relates very well with your granddaughter's life. She should be in counselling NOW. My brother and his wife are raising their son's 2 sons because the mother is a drug addict who has caused so much emotional damage to the eldest since he was 4 (now 8). He had a counsellor from Children's Aid come over to the house and she did some "play counselling". It really helped him. He'd do well until the mother would call and say all kinds of stuff to him to turn him against my brother and SIL. They have now decided to cut all ties with her for the kids' sake and resume counselling. It was destroying them. They are dealing with the courts right now. It's not good for your granddaughter to be subjected to her mother's emotional outbursts and all the stuff that's going on. It will only destroy her too, so PLEASE get her into counselling now! Don't mean to sound unfeeling or whatever, but I don't think there's anything you can do now to help your daughter because she NEEDS to want to help herself. BUT.. what you CAN do is make sure your granddaughter doesn't suffer emotional damage because of her mother's actions. She needs to know and understand WHY her mother does the things that she does, and only a qualified professional knows just how much info a little mind can take at a time so as to not overwhelm them too much and cause more damage. Just my opinion. I wish you luck and strength as you go through this with your family. P.S. A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother who did all kinds of things to her. My friend was 9 years old when she ran away, collecting pop bottles to get something to eat. After 3 days on the street, she'd go to the police. "They" would get the mother back on her meds, then my friend would go back (and her brother). Only this would happen over and over again. She ended up in a total of 40 foster homes. At 16, she was on her own. ONE foster mother gave my friend (aged 15)several books about schizophrenia and told her to read them all so that she could understand WHY her mother did the things that she did. It wasn't because she didn't love her. It was because she was mentally ill. My friend said that reading those books changed her whole world. She didn't hate her mother anymore. On her wedding day, she saw her brother for the first time in a very long time. My friend invited her mother to the wedding. When her brother asked her how she could invite her and still love her after everything that she did to them, my friend told her brother that it's called forgiving and understanding and she'd talk to him about it when he grows up! I have to say that my friend turned out very well. Never did drugs or hit the booze to numb the emotional pain of her childhood. It actually made her stronger. The brother, however, today, is bipolar and smokes drugs! The mother is now deceased, but my friend took care of her by arranging proper care when she was too sick to care for herself. She would also go pick her up to spend Christmas day with her husband and kids. By educating herself about why her mother did the things that she did, she didn't grow up with resentment, hatred, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, etc. She grew up knowing that her mother loved her in her own special way, the only way she could, and was mentally ill, and had "outbursts" when she was not on her meds, etc. Your granddaugther needs to know the same about her mother!...See MoreEstranged Mother has Cancer
Comments (13)Hello, it is me again. I went to see her, and it went so-so. When I got there, she was recovering from her 1st round of chemo but after 2 days had to take her to the hospital as she got very ill. I honestly thought she might die and after speaking to her Dr privately he had the same feelings. My aunt was there taking care of her and at first I felt sorry for her. She has parkinsons and had travelled away from her own family to be there for my mother. My mother was not very kind to her at times. I stayed with my aunt at my moms house- and while my aunt and I were spedning alot of time alone together, due to mom being hospitalized she turned into a very ugly person. I explained alot about ym childhood and why I wasn't in contact with my mother. She began by telling me she was aware of the abuse- then she went onto bad mouthing my mother, calling her self centered, a liar, that basically she got what she deserved, and on and on. She was cussing and yelling. Later on she confessed to me that she had previously been addicted to morphine. And that her husband had done time for manufacturing meth. Now, I have had no dealings withthis woman until this and I felt very out of my element, as I have not been exposed to this type of person. She was acting paranoid and would not give me any privacy. A closed door to make a call to my husband would be met with questioning. I was able to speak to my mothers Dr and she grilled me over that. I could do on but you get the idea. On the last night I was there to stay I ended up having to leave in the middle of the night as I was afraid she might actually hurt me. Despite my aint's best efforts, I was able to get my mother alone for a bit and said goodbye to her. I told her I wish I had known her better but that she didn't make things easy. My aunt came in and interrupted that scene. I am not sure if going was the right thing to do. I got to say goodbye to my mother- but she never said sorry for anything, expressed any regrets at the estrangement, nothing. On top of that my aunt now hates me and does not call me or return my calls with updates of my mothers condition. I know she had a 2nd round of chemo and that she got sick again and is thinking of giving up. The situation goes on. It is killing me and I don't know what else to do. Nothing I suppose. While I was there I helped get a few things sorted out- bought a wireless wouter so she could look at her PC from her bed. I gave her a laptop. Not met with much appreciation. I signed her up for a support group but I don't think she ever looked at the site. I sent her a long and thoughtful email, offering her to come and die at my home in OK, detailed and offering to take care of everything for her. I was sitting there when she read it and she deleted it w/o a word. Now, I opned my heart and home to this womand and she can't even look at me and acknolwledge that? My husband thinks she should NOT come here at this point, and I have to agree, given how the visit went. I had no expectations she had changed, I have no idea why I threw myself 'out there' emotionally. I guess I felt it was the right thing to do. I do have concerns about my aunt and my moms aresenal or morphine, fentantyl and oxycontin but I have done all I can do. Thanks for letting me update. I will write more when there is more. Seeing an ill stranged parent sure is a mixed bag....See Moremvinings
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