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im not ready!!!!

Posted by ninos (My Page) on
Fri, Jun 22, 07 at 16:00

My oldest DD(8) started summer school. She brought home from the school library a book called The Human Body. The book had pictures of both male and female bodies. It also had picture of a pregnant woman. My heart said NOOOOOOOO! However, we talked alittle about the body. In our house the kids have seen each other naked. Its not a big deal if you dont make it out to be so. Im just not ready to have those kind of talks with her. I guess i better get ready. How did you have those conversations with your daughters? What did you say? How did you start?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: im not ready!!!!

I waited for my kids to start asking the questions.
Then I answered the question in simple, age-appropriate words, using correct terminology.

I did not ramble... just answered the question(s).


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RE: im not ready!!!!

WE did what Western pa Luann did. Then when we had to have "the talk" found the perfect time.....in the car going 70 MPH down the freeway...they had to listen, couldn't leave!!! Friend had another idea...he did it in a aboat in the middle of a lake fishing. They either had to listen or had to swim away!!!

Vickey-MN


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RE: im not ready!!!!

8 seems a little young for 'the talk' to me. Is she asking serious questions already? Doesn't she still believe in Santa? LOL I'd hold off a little while if you can... Then just talk to her like you would when having any other serious discussion. And a big one, make sure she feels comfortable coming to you with any questions and follow up with her from time to time on the subject.


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RE: im not ready!!!!

I guess its all done in degrees. Like, at 8, she could know about body parts and where babies come from.

Its really important to keep open dialogue about these issues.

When she is a bit older you could elaborate on other topics!

I bought books, the school has sex education.

P


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RE: im not ready!!!!

The picture of the pregnant woman had her most curious. There was even a picture of the womens ovaries. She wanted to know how the baby got there. I did talk about the egg but then i just stumbled around the other half that is needed. I did say that the other part comes from daddy but i didnt say how or where even though she kept asking. Should i give her more info?


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RE: im not ready!!!!

My father tried the in-the-car thing with me and I was so incensed (didn't know the meaning of the word at the time but you get the idea) that I chose not to listen to a word he had to say. I would think twice about the captive audience thing.


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RE: im not ready!!!!

I know my mom waited for me to ask. I never did.

Girls today are physically maturing at an earlier age than their mothers' generation. By 3rd grade, some are having their periods. So it is important not to wait too long.

Certainly, if you see any bodily development, get right to that talk with daughters.

If you wait too long, I discovered with my sons, they will refuse to listen, are embarrassed, and think they know it all--and they don't.


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RE: im not ready!!!!

Ninos

If she keeps asking...sure...keep talking.

They do grow up fast, and you must prepare her, better to hear it from you, don't you think ?


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RE: im not ready!!!!

My advice (what worked for me with two sons) is to answer all questions easily and honestly. By easily I mean, don't act shocked or embarrassed about the question or the answer. I made sure my kids understood that what we talked about just between us (don't go "teaching" your friends or peers) but that their questions were valid and natural.

It helps if you think of the questions as just natural curiosity and treat them the same as any other naturally curious questions. For example, how would you answer if your daughter asked why do we have two eyes? How come one of our fingers is a thumb? Perfectly naturaly curious question about our physical features as humans. Sex questions are no different and should be treated as such.

I do agree not to give too much information. You answer the question briefly then the child leads the conversation by asking further questions as needed. Both of my kids asked me some tough questions along the way, but always got clear and honest answers from me, and now that they are grown, we are easily able talk about most anything.

One more note, I always use correct terms, no cutesy stuff, just call things by their real names. Good luck!


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RE: im not ready!!!!

I don't think that age 8 is too young to start talking about sex. I am surprised that some of the questions haven't come up earlier. You said she is your oldest kid, has she never seen you pregnant and wondered how the baby got in there? If a kid asks that question very early, I probably wouldn't give him/her all the details, but getting embarrassed about it is counter productive. It is natural for kids to make observations and ask lots of questions to learn how things work. You want your kids to come to you when they have problems and questions, no matter what the problem is. Sexuality is a natural thing and shouldn't be a taboo. Your kids should be able to trust you. It would not be good if you lied to them or even try to hide information from them and then they learn the truth from someone else. If you give them the impression that it is not right to talk about it, what happens if they get sexually assaulted? I think there are some kids (girls as young as 8 or 9) getting pregnant without ever knowing where the babies come from. I am sure that is not what you want!


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RE: im not ready!!!!

Lowspark, I did what you did, and I think you put it very well.

I like what you said about treating questions about sexuality the same as any question about any other body part. Not only will that make it easier for a parent who finds the subject uncomfortable, it also avoids teaching the child that there is something BAD about his/her genitalia.

Remember, sex information is HEALTH information. Ignorance about our sex organs and their functioning is as dangerous as ignorance about any other part of our bodies.

In my experience, kidz ask about what they are ready to hear. So if you follow their lead, you will know how much information to give when.

I always emphasized health, safety, and respect for self and others. I stayed away from moralizing and judgments and especially tried hard not to make them feel that their feelings and bodies were dirty or bad. We teach our kidz values and morals all their lives. When the time comes for them to make decisions about sex, they will use what they have learned all the way along.

Now that my kidz are pretty much grown (21 and 18), it's no longer for me to try to dictate to them what is morally right or wrong for them to choose to do; I happen to be lucky that they both show quite a bit of character, but even (especially?) if they didn't, it would be pointless anyway. But I still do tell them very emphatically that it is INSANE to have sex without a condom (obviously I am not talking about married couples). Morals are subjective; health and safety are not -- I won't call anyone immoral for having sex, but, things being what they are these days, I WILL call him/her an IDIOT for doing it without a condom.

My daughter tells her friends, "My mom says, 'There are three things you MUST always wear -- no exceptions: seat belts, sunscreen, and condoms!'" She doesn't know it's no accident that I grouped condoms with sunscreen and seat belts. I wanted her to see sexual safety as no different from any other kind of safety. She will decide when she will become sexually active -- I certainly doubt she will call us and ask our permission! But I feel as confident as I can that she won't let anyone talk her into sex without a condom.


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RE: im not ready!!!!

LOL,oh how I can relate! My daughter has started growing breasts(a bit shocking since she is only nine and weighs only 58 pounds!),so I HAD to have a talk with her about it.I wasnt ready either!
For starters,I tried not to be too serious about the issue,but kept it light hearted. She giggled a lot which told me she is still a little uncomfortable hearing about it as well.
I told her she is begining puberty and that her body is starting to change into a woman's.

I briefly explained periods but didnt get into much "SEX" talk yet.I dont think she is quite ready to here the details of sex,but she knows that a man and woman "come together" to create a baby.
I figure in another year or two I'll have to be a bit more "graphic" regarding sex.Too bad there isnt a video or booklet to explain these things~anyone know of a good one? When I was a kid there was a video called,"Where did I come from?"

My question is,when do they start the period talks in school? I vaguely remember it being in fourth grade,but I have yet to get a paper on it or anything from the school.


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plasticgarden, I think at my elemetrary school the "period" talk began in either 5th or 6th grade. My oldest DD is now in 3rd grade. The mommy in me does not want to cross that bridge yet. I love the little girl she is. Last week while we were on vacation she devoloped another UTI. After i picked up her cream and other meds i had to put the cream on her. She hasnt had an infection since spring. To my complete suprise i noticed that she is developing pubic hair. I frooze! Then we had another talk about her body changing. I spoke a little about her period and how it cushions the egg. But like you, when do we tell them exactly what the male roll is?


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I'm guessing probably right before Middle school because in middle school kids are looking and acting more grown up.By then some kids have boyfriends and girlfriends (at least the 8th graders which the younger kids will see and have questions)
It makes me sad too ninos.I know it sounds silly,but I even cried about it. I'm not upset she is growing into a woman,just sad that my little kid days are almost over. Soon this sweet child wont be acting like my little baby anymore.It's like,when did this suddenly happen?


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plasticgarden, I think we all can relate to that feeling of loss of our children's babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood innocence, etc. Just wait until you get to empty nest!

I will pass on some wisdom from my mother. Actually, she said it to me when I was becoming an adolescent myself and was mourning my OWN childhood: "I wish I didn't have to grow up! Why can't I stay a child here with you forever?" Our family was friends with a family with a son my age, who was severely mentally delayed. My mom said to me, "Well, Joey will never really grow up and leave home like you will. Would you trade places with him?"

Her wise words stayed with me many years later, when I caught myself wishing that my own children's childhood would last. I look at my friends with children with severe disabilities, and although of course they love and get great joy from those children, I would not wish eternal childhood for my children.

Of course, we still get nostalgic for the lovely stages we are leaving behind. But it helps me to realize that without leaving one wonderful stage behind, my children cannot move on to the adventures and growth of the next wonderful stage. And *I* would be deprived of the joys of that next stage, too! At some point, there was no more pushing them on the swing or "Goodnight Moon." But there were paper dolls and baseball, and "Tom Sawyer" and "To Kill a Mockingbird." There was no more "Duck Duck Goose" in my house, but there were Brownies and homework parties and youth group events and proms. No more tiny voices playing "Go Fish," but there were happy, witty teenagers cracking us up with their humor and impressing us with their activism and talents. And all those things were just as wonderful as the sweet and simple pleasures of early childhood.

There is always the occasional pang of missing the vanished babies, but now that they are pretty much grown (21 and 18), even if I could, I would not trade these delightful young adults, who are in many ways my best friends, for the charming children they once were.


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Gellchom,those were some very wise words.
It's funny,cuz my daughter said the same thing about not wanting to move out or grow up! I told her she could stay with me as long as she wanted...and I mean it! Empty nest syndrome will me hard when the time comes!


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RE: im not ready!!!!

Thats really lovely, Gellchom, brought tears to my eyes, you put it all so well.

Each stage of our children's lives, is left with sadness, in my mind. But a new door opens and new happy times. Its important to remember to live in the moment.

ENS is not something I am looking forward to.

Thanks again for your gentle words.

POPI


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Thank you, Popi, that was very sweet of you. You really made my day.

I am not quite empty here, yet, til summer -- our daughter is in 12th grade. But our son calls from Boston so often -- cooking questions, guess what happened today, girlfriend troubles, just to chat while walking or waiting for a train -- that sometimes I think I talk to him more than to his busy busy sister. I didn't feel awful, as I'd thought I would, when he went off to college -- not one bit (mostly because he was very happy and I wasn't worried, but possibly because he was a real PITA with college applications! Nearly finished me off. Sometimes I think Mother Nature brilliantly created adolescence to make an empty nest look good). So I thought I wouldn't when she leaves, either. But I realize I am starting to feel pangs.

But I think we shouldn't be too afraid of an empty nest. It has its benefits, too, you know!

After all ... just as it is true that our children cannot enjoy the next stage without leaving the last one behind, neither can WE.

I, too, am going on to another stage in my life, growth, and development, not just leaving this one. Just as it would be a waste for my daughter to spend her college years mourning her high school years, it would be a waste of precious time for me to look at the years to come as "empty" anything. On to the next chapter!


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Yes you are so right, Gellchom.

I, too have one off at college, for 3 years now. Just last night I said "come home for a visit" and she said "its easier for you to come here", she says its too difficult to travel home. I was happy when she moved into college, because she was really messy !! But 3 years later, I am beginning to really miss having a female in the house. Its just me and DH and DS (15). I miss having that 'girlie" chit chat.

I know my "next chapter" is looming (lol), what are you going to do with yourself ?

All the best to you. I am glad I made your day !

POPI


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Well, ladies, I have been through the maturing daughter stages and recently became a grandma. Let me tell you, the sex talks may change, but it seems like you have them one way or another as the various stages go by--if you are lucky. We talked about lots over the years -- from having periods, to chastity and dating, to how to handle a guy, to going away to college and being wise to the ways of dating and alcohol, to trying to get pregnant and finally to sitz baths and stitches and hemmoroids after childbirth. Keep it open and honest. I have loved every shared conversation and often shared my school friends' experiences too as a way to educate my daughter. It all helped. She was surprised in college that my dating stories from my college and high school era were still accurate for today. I even shared with her some great lines my friends used to keep the fellow in his place. She loved those.


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I was chatting to my 23 year old niece on the weekend, and she said something that I thought was very wise, about boys.

When considering a boyfriend "aim high". She was saying this to a 16 year old. I think that is good advice. Have high standards when choosing a boyfriend.


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