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Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Posted by kimkss (My Page) on
Tue, Jun 8, 10 at 14:31

Hi everyone! My son is 16 years old and for the most part is a good kid. He does things sometimes that disappoint me but I think that is normal.

He has been talking to a girl that is 20 years old. They just met about a week ago but he told me that he really likes her. He said she is so mature and enjoys talking to her. Well, I snooped a little in his emails (I know, I know...I'm going to catch trouble for that one) and they are talking about him going to visit her and staying the night because she goes to college about an hour away and doesn't live w/ her parents. YIKES! I didn't want to freak out when he first started telling me about it because I didn't want to jump the gun. I don't know if I should tell him that he can't see her or just make him follow the same rules that he would if he were to date someone his own age meaning follow curfews, no staying the night, etc. I cannot understand what a 20 yr old girl would see in a 16 yr old boy.

Any advice would be appreciated.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Don't just jump the gun, stomp on it. You know this is bad news. Talk to him about it, of course, but drop the hammer on HER! Do not permit this. Her invitation -- which is incredibly inappropriate -- should tell you all you need to know.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Yep scarey situation.

He is still only 16...and I guess you can just put your foot down and say "you can't go"...but that will make him more defiant. I wonder if the girl knows how young he is..do you think she knows ?

At the very least you must be honest with him about your reservations. I really think..if he is going to act like an adult..go and stay the night away from home...then he should be spoken too, like an adult and told about the dangers of such a proposal.

What really scares me, and I have a 17 year old..is if the girl gets pregnant, what then. This child would be my grand child and I would want contact with it...opens up a big can of worms for me and I certainly don't want to go down that road. So make sure he knows about that angle !

It is such a stressful time our sons having girlfriends..they shouldn't be allowed to until they are 21 ! Just joking..

Good luck with it all, I know how you feel.

Popi


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

What are the laws of consent in your state? In mine she would be charged for statutory rape.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"What are the laws of consent in your state? In mine she would be charged for statutory rape."

Here too!

A call to the police could cut their evening REAL short....


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Unfortunately the age of consent in my state is 16.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Yo kimkss....are you really the parent here? Do you understand "parent"?

I am astonished at your apparent confusion/indecision over this circumstance.


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Unbelievable!

Yo kimkss....are you really the parent here? Do you understand "parent"?

I am astonished at your apparent confusion/indecision over this circumstance.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

I understand that I am the parent. But I also understand that parenting is sometimes not as cut and dry as people want it to be.

In a perfect world I would tell him that he can't see her and he would say "ok" and that would be the end of it. The world that I have come to know throughout my life would result in him starting to sneak out and lie to see her. Therefore causing him to become defient, sneaky and have anger towards us as parents.

I also think about other things like this girl is 100x better than the girls his own age that he seems to attract. They usually have piercings and tattoos and talk about being grounded for smoking pot. Things that I have found out by asking around about this girl is that she doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and is very intelligent. I also understand that he could have sex just as easily with someone his own age as he could with her.

At the end of the day I don't feel right about it at all. But...I still have mixed emotions like I could be creating a huge monster out of a child that has previously had it together.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"....she doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and is very intelligent."

Good for her. Then, again, she does solicit underage boys, doesn't she?

OK, then, stand by and watch. Don't want to risk annoying a 16-year old. Amazing for me to read what you've written.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

I think Kimkss is a good parent. It is so important to keep the doors of communication OPEN no matter what. If you tell a teen you cannot do something, you very quickly close that door.

You have to be clever with your conversation and get them to realize that their choice is not a good one. This is difficult, but is the way to deal with issues that come up.

I suspect, Kimkss, that your real problem could be one of control. You might feel like you are loosing control of your son.

All you can do is talk, in a way that will cause him to think of what he is doing and how it might affect him.

Why don't you ask the girl to your house so you can meet her. She may not be the monster you imagine.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

When I read a post like this I thank God my kids are grown. Even though one is not speaking to me (different post, btw) I can only share with you what I would do (have done).
15 years ago when my son was 16 he had a girlfriend (15) that we liked very well. We tried keeping tabs on where he was and where she was (with parent conferences too, if you can believe that) but one night he came home and I just KNEW he had sex. I asked him and he actually cried. He was embarrassed and confused (and also NOT prepared...no protection). I had him call his girlfriend over and we (she and I) had a heart to heart about sex, creating babies that SOMEONE has to care for, and trapping guys/girls. I also suggested Planned Parenthood, because she came from a very Catholic background. She complied, and in the days prior to cell phones PP would call my house and leave a message that she had appointments.
Ten years later they got married. Four years after I am about to be a Grandma for the first time.
SO don't be afraid to confront this WOMAN about your son. If she cares for him she will understand your concerns. And I think your son is too old for "sleep overs" at any friends house, and certainly too YOUNG for a sleep over at her house. Best of lucky, sweetie!


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"She may not be the monster you imagine."

OP hasn't said any such thing....although I certainly danced around the idea.

OK, moms. Turn it around. Where would you stand if a 20-year-old guy was hitting on your 16-year-old daughter? Asking for a sleepover...that you only discovered via e-mail snooping? Would your first reaction be to find out whether he smokes, drinks, or does drugs....as if that would make everything jake? I doubt it.

How is this different?

I have a friend who is mom/wife. Late fifties, now. Educated professional. Husband, too. Three smart good-looking kids. She wanted a grandbaby soooooo bad. When her boy got into college (about 19) and got a girlfriend, they invited her to their house for the holidays. Gave them a room together in their home. How modern. How sweet. How addle-brained...like this OP. My friend and her husband are now raising their grandchild (now 7, I think) while the boy is still "trying to find his way" and the girl's long gone after wrestling over custody for years.

No "monsters" in the equation. Just stupidness....parent stupidness! Or, in this situation, twisted self-interest over the desired grandchild.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

If you tell him that you know about the 20 year old, he'll know u snooped in his emails. There goes the trust between you two and your relationship won't be the same.

If he's going to have sex with her, he doesn't have to have a sleepover. It's out of your control. A lot of kids have sex that isn't planned (they think they can just stop it before it goes too far) so make sure he's seriously thinking about using condoms when he's going to have sex. Not just for STDs but to avoid pregnancy too.

My nephew was about that age when he starting seeing an older woman (21) who had her own apartment. My brother and SIL were very concerned and got involved. It only pushed him towards the woman and away from them. The more they objected, the more he wanted to see her and the more he resented his parents. So they backed off and prayed it wouldn't last and she wouldn't get pregnant. Fortunately, the relationship ended on its own and he still had a good relationship with his parents.

Maybe he did tell her he was older. Who knows!?

I don't think there's anything you can do because you can't know everything he's going to do and when he's going to do it. If he's going to have sex, he's going to have it no matter what you do. Whether it's with the 20 year old or girls his own age. All you can do is talk WITH him about life in general at his age. He might get really emotionally "attached" to this girl and end up getting hurt.

How did they meet? Has he told you ANYTHING about a girl he's interested in? Is there a way you can bring up the subject about girls and relationships, etc, to see if he would talk to you about her?

I have a very open communication with our 18 year old daughter. She often tells us that we're lucky she tells us about stuff because a lot of her friends don't tell their parents anything for fear of them freaking out! She said she tells us because we don't freak out and because we're willing to discuss things and LISTEN to what she has to say..whether we like it or not. She often tells me that by being able to discuss things with us, it helps her to make the right decision for herself or just being able to "let it out". We give her our opinion on stuff, when asked, but it's ultimately up to her whether she takes it or not. We just try to help her make an "informed decision". Mind you, sometimes she doesn't like what we have to say but, hey, you asked!! LOL

I would still reinforce your rules no matter what. How does he plan on getting there anyways? Again, try and see if you can get him to talk to you about girls and relationships, etc., to see if he'll talk to you about someone he's interested in. If he asks you a question about girls, for example, you can say something to the effect that sometimes it depends on how old the girl is and how old the boy is since they might think about things differently, depending on where they are in their life right now. This would give u the opportunity to say something like.. how old is this girl you're talking about? Making it sound like it's no big deal what her age is. Then you'll know where his thinking is and all that! You can also ask if she knows how old he is to see if their so-called relationship is starting out on a lie!

Does his father know about this? What does he think about it? Maybe he can get his son to talk to him about her...you know... "guy stuff". His father can talk about when he was his age and his interest in girls.. sometimes older girls, etc.

Good luck!


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"OK, moms. Turn it around. Where would you stand if a 20-year-old guy was hitting on your 16-year-old daughter? Asking for a sleepover...that you only discovered via e-mail snooping? Would your first reaction be to find out whether he smokes, drinks, or does drugs....as if that would make everything jake? I doubt it. "

I think I would be just as concerned if my daughter was doing the same thing..I would still be worried. In fact my daughter is 23 and she is going out with a 40 year old and I am not happy with that. I can't stop it, but you can be assured I am keeping communication open and always being supportive.

Khandi I applaud you with your open communication with your daughter, this is by far the best way to handle things.

I have also found in my own situation, that what I IMAGINE to be going on..is never as bad as I think it is.

If you "arm" the child with as much knowledge as possible about what to expect in the wide world, then they can make an informed decision about their own lives.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Everything that everyone has said has gone through my mind when thinking about this issue. I had a similiar situation when I was 14 I had an 18 year old boyfriend. My parents had a fit! Of course I understand now as an adult but then I unleashed holy terror on them. I snuck out at night, skipped school, anything I could to see him. I got pregnant when I was 15 years old...resulting in the son that I am now seeking advice on. Lifes sweet revenge I suppose...LOL. I was with that boyfriend until I was 21 years old. It was a terrible relationship and unfortunately took me until that age to realize it. I really think I spent so many years so focused on making the relationship work to prove a point to my parents. I also wondered if it was handled different and they discussed birth control with me if things would have been different. I would have hickies on my neck but never once was birth control mentioned. I know, I know....I deserve everything I get. ;-)

Anyway....at this point this is how I have chosen to handle this and will need to take this day by day. She lives in the same town as his dad lives in so it becomes more of an issue when he is at his house. The other night she came over to their house and they watched a movie together...in a public room. I told him that I would like to meet her as I am apprehensive about them spending time together unsupervised. He told her and she said she understands and she would want the same thing if she was a parent. We were watching sports yesterday and I asked if she likes sports, etc? Figured I'd ease him into openly talking about her w/ me without fear that I am going to go psycho. LOL.

I don't want him with a 20 yr old. I also don't want him with some crazy 16 year old girl that smokes marijuana. I also don't want him with a 17 year old girl that has more piercings on her face than an entire rock band. Or an 18 yr old that gets drunk and sleeps with everyone. I pray daily that I am doing the right thing as a parent. Obviously some of you agree with me and some don't. I don't even agree with myself 1/2 of the day.

Thanks for listening.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"I also don't want him with some crazy 16 year old girl that smokes marijuana. I also don't want him with a 17 year old girl that has more piercings on her face than an entire rock band. Or an 18 yr old that gets drunk and sleeps with everyone. "

Those are the only alternatives you see? Really?


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

I see lots of other alternatives. I am not unrealistic. I would love for him to tell me he is madly is love with Mrs. Perfect...perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect everything. But...that is not the case at this moment in time. Things could be better, yes, but they could also be worse. Even if there was this "perfect" girl in his life I would still worry about them having sex, etc.

I can't control who he talks to and who he meets unless I follow him around 24 hours a day. I am hoping that he learns to make good choices. Trying not to cross the line between making him understand my concerns and forbidding him from doing things that he can just end up doing behind my back.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

You are doing the right thing, you have talked to her, been supportive of your son's friendship with her.

The priceless jewel you can give your son at this stage, is an open dialogue about sex, relationships, etc...give him the benefit of your life experience. You sound like a good person.

Do you think you would have had a baby so young, if your parents had had that open relationship with you ? Where you had felt comfortable bringing up any topic ? Where you had felt unjudged ?


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

My husband's niece's son went out of state to a tech school. The son got involved with an older woman and his parents almost didn't get him back. She had him so brain washed, he said he was going to run away if they did bring him home. It worked out in the long run, but was very scary. If she had run with him, they might not have seen him again.

So in my opinion, don't let him go anywhere near her. If the police told you she had a police record of selling drugs or what ever you would put your foot down fast and heavy. So do it now.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"I would love for him to tell me he is madly is love with Mrs. Perfect....."

I'm about ready to puke! The lad is sixteen, for cripes sake! What in hell is matter with you?


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Maybe next time I ask for advice I'll make a request that you be respectful to me. It is obvious that you nit-pick everything that I say. Would I rather that he stay away for girls till he graduates from college, YES. If he is going to have a girlfriend, would I prefer that she be Mrs. Perfect, YES.

As far as those not on here to ridicule everyone. I told him my concerns and said that I would like to meet her if he intends on continuing to talk to her. Since then he's been talking on the phone to other girls. He has been spending most of his time working or with his friends. I think they talk but he is at least moving on with his normal 16 year old life. She lives about an hour away, near his dad's house and he hasn't been to his dad's in two weeks. Looks like it is fading away but not completely. I am keeping my eyes open though. Planning my next step too I suppose.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Maybe next time you'll exhibit parental intelligence beyond the level of a chipmunk. Then we'll get along fine.


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

Well I am glad that he is being a 16 year old. Wasn't as bad as you thought. You will be ready for the next drama.

Chipmunks make good parents don't they !


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RE: Need advice re: 16 yr old son

"I cannot understand what a 20 yr old girl would see in a 16 yr old boy."

PRECISELY. Very good question to ask and to think about.

Why does she solicit underage boys? Another very good and important question to ask!

What's behind her incredibly inappropriate invitation? Another valid question to ask.

Asolo makes a valid point with the following remark, "OK, moms. Turn it around. Where would you stand if a 20-year-old guy was hitting on your 16-year-old daughter? Asking for a sleepover...that you only discovered via e-mail snooping? Would your first reaction be to find out whether he smokes, drinks, or does drugs....as if that would make everything jake? I doubt it"

I don't have the answer either, but I would like to offer you a website that discusses female perpetrated sexual abuse and the attitudes that surround it.

Keep in mind that some of the situations discussed on the site are about people with greater age disparitys than that of your son, however I believe it will offer you a lot of insight into the question that you posed above and the comments of Asolo.

It's not pleasant to think about, but I think her interest is very much the same if the roles were reversed. I'm also not trying to alarm you. I do want to call your attention to the possible reasons as to the question you posed above of what she could possibly see in a boy his age.

I wish you the best of luck with this problem and myheart goes out to you.

Here's the link below...


Here is a link that might be useful: Toy Soldiers: for the forgotten men and boys who suffer in silence


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