Sadly, he can probably get off more easily than any of us would like to think. I don't know, but the realist in me says find a way to move. You can't depend on the neighbor's being incarcerated to go forward with a normal life. It sounds like your neighbor's "crew" still assembles despite his absence. If he and his friends disappear, is there potential for a replacement problem group taking up "residence" in your immediate vicinity. Could you have friends over for an impromptu summer bbq? It seems as though you can't plan anything outdoors so long as your neighbor's son & his friends are around. I can see this getting worse first before/rather than better. Things are definitely not in your favor with regard to the current real estate market, or for that matter, the economy in general. However, when it gets to the point that your kids can't safely go outside to play on a nice day, and you are living in daily fear, is it really worth your sanity and that of everyone in your family? I am a fighter as well as a total optimist. Before reading about your situation, I would have adamantly defended my right to live in my home. I would not allow the behavior of another make me move from a home I created. However, under your circumstance, I would definitely consider all options, moving being one of them. Is there a reasonable possibility that your neighborhood will get progressively worse, or is this an isolated thing within a 10 block radius of your home? If I were to take a walk in your neighborhood, would the gang presence be obvious to me? What is the the town like overall? It may be a strategic move to get out of this neighborhood now before it becomes reputed for its higher potential for crime? Also, I can't remember if you mentioned having any pets. If you do, they need protection from this situation as well. I wish I felt more optimistic about this getting better for your family. You and your DH are the only two people who can gauge what your home life will be going forward if you do stay in your current home. Also, I don't know the ages of your children and how "at risk" they are being next door to this kid and his friends.

I realize things are different now in some ways than when i was a teenager, but not THAT different. There were always parents who weren't around or who were but looked the other way or who THOUGHT they knew what their kids were doing but were wrong. There were kids who drank and did drugs and had sex, and kids who didn't. I think this is why it's so important to do one's best to keep the lines of communication open. Easier said than done, I know. My kids are under 10, but i already see that it can be a challenge to get them to talk about what's really on their minds. I do think kids are always being forced/encouraged to grow up faster than they should in some ways--just heard from a friend that her boys' overnight camp had "socials" with the girls' camps--the younger boy is only 8!! I live 4 blocks from a public high school, and a mile from a middle school and a private boys' high school, so i see some of the same stuff pecanpie mentions. My kids will be able to walk to middle school and high school. Because i work from home, i plan to make my house the most welcoming place i can for them and their friends after school! That said, I'm not sure i'm such a fan of the 'hanging out in malls' method of dating. Yes, it means they're in groups and in public--as far as you know! But there are a lot of places to go in malls where you can pair off and no one's really paying attention (you'd be surprised how much can happen in a store fitting room!). Seriously, i think someone already said, where there's a will, there's a way, and sometimes it's even worse in a group b/c there's more peer pressure, whereas if the kids are one-on-one, maybe they can relax and be themselves a little more (of course, depends on the kid). otoh, maybe they'd be more awkward together b/c of not being used to being left alone! I must confess that i went on my first date at age 14, with a 16-yr-old boy who drove. My parents had met the boy and his parents before the date (but if they hadn't, they still would've okay'd it). He still got the usual grilling when he picked me up at their house, and i got the grilling when i got home (not too late, either!). When you have to meet the parents and chat with them, i think somehow it instills a little more fear/respect that someone's monitoring the situation. This doesn't usually happen when you're meeting a group at the mall--anyone can show up, and you may not have met half the kids. I also think that letting them go on a date is a very individual decision, depending on the maturity of the teen and how much you feel you can trust them. If you've discussed the situation thoroughly with them and think they're mature enough to make the right decisions about it, it shows that you trust their judgment, and if they feel trusted, maybe they're less likely to want to betray that trust (or they'll feel darn guilty about it, if they do). My parents were maybe a little unusual in that they're pretty far apart in age, my mom started dating fairly young and married young (though not so young for the time), while my dad married a bit on the older side. Thus, my dating at that age, and dating older boys, didn't seem unusual to them (or to me). Again, i think it depends on the individual situation and certainly if the teens themselves indicate they don't feel ready, there's no reason to do it, but also letting them go on a date doesn't mean there are no limits put on their behavior.

The best answer probably is, "because it's illegal and I could get in trouble". If your state is like mine, kids have to be 13 to be left home alone. Of course, even at 13, it's not a really good idea on a regular basis. Unfortunately, teens without adequate supervision usually find a way to get into some sort of trouble sooner or later. And the homes where kids stay home unsupervised--at least in my neighborhood--seem to turn into the hangouts. I know a couple of mom's who would be very upset and disappointed if they knew exactly what was going on when their children were home alone. And I'm not talking about horrible kids. Even good ones at that age, don't have the sense to always do the right thing. I've actually seen a lot of women giving up their jobs (or rearranging their hours) so they're home during the hours when their teens are home. In some ways, parental supervision is even more vital when they're beginning to flex their wings, and learning to make decisions. Especially considering that teens brains aren't fully mature. Until they reach their mid-20's, they don't usually have the ability to make logical, well-thought out decisions--that's a medical fact. Teens are working on pure emotion--and you know how much trouble that can get one into You're definitely doing the right thing by seeing that she doesn't have too much time on her own, unsupervised. Even though she may complain now, you're the parent, and making sure she stays safe and healthy now will pay off in the longrun.

Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I'm the parent of a teen son. ;o) My oldest turned 15 this month. It is taking me forever to post to this thread b/c I have so much to say I don't know where to start! And now I've got a lot on my mind, and I've had coffee too late at night, so you are in for it this time! LOL! This might be a book. It's not exactly fear that I feel about raising teens, but it is challenging. Makes me appreciate the simplicity of potty training! I'm just getting started, too, there are 3 more lined up behind him, every 3 years. So a year from now I'll have 2 teens, and soon enough they'll be 19, 16, and 13... and 10, so it looks like I'm here for a while! (That is what the PTAs see in me, "Oooo! She's gonna be here for years! Let's get her!") What have I done to myself!?! The food bill alone is giving me gray hairs, the boundaries navigation is going to make me insane. We don't parent with a Rule Book. But a set of standards and expectations guides us: respect, responsibility, honesty. DS is a sophomore, he has a girlfriend of, oh, about 4 months now. Started at school, classes together, phone calls, IM-ing. Once summer break started, they wanted to spend some fun time together. She comes here, they go to our neighborhood pool; he goes there and to her family's church for the weekly teen night. They are never alone, in private. (Ha, here they also have the company of not only me, but 3 younger siblings, who can be an excellent obstacle to privacy! LOL) A few times a parent has dropped them off for a move, ice rink, etc. for a couple hours. Public places of amusement, no "just hanging out," the mall is not OK with me, I think they need to have a plan for what they are going to do with their time. I limit it to twice/week, just b/c I don't think they need to spend all their free time with each other; they should have time to hang out with friends, family, and just by themself. DS also has summer reading requirements for his honors lit class, so he has school priorities even now. So I'm really good with how this is going for now. Tonight, my reason for being out so late.... he got a message from her that she and a friend, and her boyfriend, were going to the movie at 10:00. I agreed to drop him off and come back b/c the theatre is at the front of our subdivision (it's not even a bad walk in good weather) and I knew we'd be up anyway. As we pulled into the parking lot, she called to say she misunderstood, her friend's dad was taking them to a different theatre, 15 minutes away. So, figuring it was too late to catch them in time, we came home. Then she called again, said we can wait for next show at 10:45. Well, this is late, won't let out til after midnight. But I agreed as long as he didn't have a problem with me staying and watching the movie too - in a distant seat ;o) B/C it would be a waste of my time/gas to go back home when I needed to be back less than 90 minutes later, and it was just so late. That was my compromise, he took it. I agree with the idea of noticing opportunities to share our values and "wisdom" with our kids. The fancy word for that in my education classes was "teachable moments." Teachable moments are very important to me. There is a corrolary, sometimes we get opportunities to learn about our kids, and we need to watch and listen and learn who they are and where they are going. Tonight I felt like I had one of those. Ended up being out later than I wanted either of us out, further from home that I wanted to be, not reading a book and soaking in my tub like I planned to be. ;o) But I observed the teen social life and now know better what to teach my son (in the morning!). The friend his GF was with also met her boyfriend there. Turns out he was older, driving, and with 2 carloads of friends. Which means some of them had to be 18 to be driving at night with other teens, legally. I didn't know any of them, other than just recognizing faces from the neighborhood or subbing at the HS. They were well-mannered enough in the movie, I didn't observe any inappropriate behavior. But outside, one sat on the curb smoking. They all drove off leaving the younger girls standing there waiting for the dad to pick them up. If I had not been there w/DS, those 15 y/o girls would have been standing there for 20 mins alone, after midnight. Weekday night, there was no one else outside the theatre. So DS stood there w/the girls while I sat in the van at the curb. Once the ride was there, his girlfriend came to my window and thanked me profusely. The dad picking up late said nothing to me, didn't even look at me. As we drove away, I asked DS the obvious question, "So Kristy's boyfriend is older than her, huh? Did you know him before tonight? Did you know any of his friends with him?" He said, "No, but I can't believe he didn't wait for Kristy's dad to get here. That was weird, what a jerk." (Good boy! LOL.) Tomorrow I plan to have a conversation about knowing what is going on better before he agrees to go somewhere. It's not just cuz I'm nosey, but b/c he can't vouch for the behavior of people he doesn't know. He needs to make himself more informed, so he has all the information to make the best choices. We can just never have enough conversations with the kids, can we? That is one thing that boggles my mind. I feel like I have so much to tell him, to talk to him about, to ask him... so many conversations to have. Yet if we parents talk too much, they block it out anyway. I have to think hard, to choose the words carefully so I get in what I need him to hear before he stops listening. Make my point before he tunes me out. Make every word a valuable one, so he knows when I'm talking it's something he should listen to, not another Rant From Mom. I think I will be so much more confident and prepared when the rest are teens, but I bet they throw their own surprised in just to keep me on my toes. I am aware that they are watching their brother now, so what happens now sets the bar for the future. If it's true that we learn to parent from our parents, I had a good education. My parents were great. I was minimal trouble as a teen, good student, worked, volunteered, studied/practiced my music. I didn't even taste alcohol until I was 20, never tried a cigarette, much less any illegal substance. My friends were the same way. I was a questioning kid, would defy a rule I thought was without merit. But my parents didn't really make that kind. When I refused to attend church at 15, mom fussed a little, but they just went without me. My cousins caused a lot of trouble, from bad grades to teen pregnancy to arrests. They had a lot of priveleges, and distracted parents who made up for it with more priveleges. We're all adults now, and they have turned out fine, no one is still causing trouble. They just took the longer road to find their way. Now when we talk about growing up, they will say the always envied my brother and me because they wanted parents like ours. Even though there were more limits at our house, they loved to spend weeks with us in the summer b/c they knew the limits, they felt safe there, like someone was paying attention. One cousin told me that now that she is a parent, she looks to my mom as her example, not her own. As kids, I would never have guessed my cousins felt that way. I woudln't have thought it now, either, if they didn't say it. But since they have, I see it looking back. Even the one who caused the most trouble, never gave Aunt Susie trouble, he wouldn't have wanted to disappoint her, she believed in him. It is sweet to know now that my own mother was the stable factor in our whole family. So if I learned from that, that is a very good thing. I commented to them that my mom has always had higher expectations of my that she does of anyone else. It was a whine, sometimes that has gotten to me over the years. But my cousin responded that I was lucky, because it is so much harder when your mom doesn't have any expectations of you at all. Made me think about what expectations I put on my kids. She's right, it's better to have high, but reasonable, expectations for your kids to live up to than none at all. My expectations come right back to the standards I try to set: respect, responsibility, honesty. Among all my old and made up Mom-isms, I repeat to them often "Behave in a way that makes you proud of yourself." Oh, and this Friday I agreed to chaperone a small group of friends at the pool, pizza, b-day cake. I let DS to the inviting, but the parents who I do not know well called me so find out what was going on, if I would be there, what they should expect. I was happy about that. So I'm going to get another learning opportunity, but this time with kids my son does know well. I do like his choices in friends, and he is always comfortable with me meeting them and their parents. Maybe that's just b/c he knows he doesn't have a choice anyway. ;o)