Tonight, I lay awake absolutely guilt-riddent because after I exploded on our children, one in particular, my husband proceeded to lay it on thick on them as well. Sure they were being mongrels that weren't listening, but our behavior just wasn't right...

I hate yelling, I hate lectures, I hate outbursts... And I hate that I feel that they sometimes seem to react only when I lose it. That just doesn't seem like constructive thinking.

Any suggestions?

6, 8, 10.

I apologized to my son this morning for last night's outburst, have been doing much reading... but still, any suggestions?

Reading about the issue is a great second step. Is anything you're reading hitting home for you?

As a third step, I's also suggest taking some time off -- maybe just an hour or two for a quiet walk, and ask yourself what it is you're really mad about. Is it really the little superficial things? Or is there a bigger problem underneath that you're not ready to admit to yourself yet.

As a stop-gap, I'm going to suggest time outs all around. When you feel yourself start to lose it, call all 3 kids into one big room with four corners and call a 10-minute time out. Send one kid to each corner and take the 4th for yourself, and just spend 10 minutes in silence and regrouping. No talking allowed. When you're calm again, quietly state your expectations for everyone's behavior (including your own) and not that anyone who can't follow those simple rules will be back in the corner.

There were also time when life was very stressful--job stress, marriage problems, etc.--and it tipped over into my mom role. I agree that it is useful to look at resolutions for the other stresses in your world.

There is also a book many people swear by called "123 Magic" that offers a disciplinary method with no yelling! Amazon has consumer reviews you can read as well.

Vickey-MN

I yell sometimes, too. Sometimes I feel like they don't take me seriously until I am angry enough to yell. But I have to remember something I read once: When you're yelling, they only register the yelling, and not one word of what you're actually saying to them. That's so true, I know that's how I feel when someone takes a hostile tone with me, I hear the hostility first and maybe somewhere after that part of the actual direction or request.

When I want to just scream at one of them (or more than one) I have to tell them to leave the room. I send them to their own room and wait 10 minutes before I go up to talk to them. Then I can clear my head, find the fewest words possible to get my point across (I ramble when I'm angry). Then I have to maintain a quiet voice on purpose, catch myself when I hear it rising, and bring it down again.

I try to remember to let the kids do some of the talking, asking them to tell me what they did wrong. They know, they don't need it screamed at them, and they think about it harder when they have to say it themselves. And I have to be quiet and listen to them. Then when I do talk, I've listened first and I'm calmer.

Sometimes I know *I'm* the problem, I'm in a bad mood and short fused, and the kids don't stand much of chance. They can do the smallest annoying thing and I'm ready to blow, it's not their fault. In that case, I know I need to deal with myself first. If I can, if DH is home, I leave the house, go for a walk, a drive, whatever I'm in the mood for. If I can't leave, I need a family time out. The sound of the TV or video games drives me nuts. I ask them for some peace and quiet, the TV is off, they go to their own rooms to occupy themselves, I might play some upbeat music. I am much calmer if that stupid television is OFF! I can't stand the thing when I'm grumpy. ;o)

It helps me to make an effort to whisper when I feel like yelling. It also comes as such a surprise to the kids they actually listen harder.

And overall, I feel like yelling less and they behave in a way that prompts less yelling, if we spend fun time together. I think they just feel more important to us, and we feel better about our parenting. We stop and notice the people they are, not just the annoying behavior. When we know the tension is getting thick, we have to make an effort to go for a walk together, play a board game, or turn down the lights and watch a movie. When they are getting enough of the right kind of attention, we all behave better.

I notice their improved behavior when I keep my behavior in check, which encourages me to keep it up.

"This is the last time I'm going to say it in my nice voice..."

I congratulate you for posting this query and admitting that you need to find a better way of handling things, that terrific.

I would like to make one point, remember that you are a mirror to your children. If they see you acting like that, they will do it, and that will make it harder for you.

I used to be like you, but I think maturity made me realize its not a good way to be, and I worked really hard and being calm and dealing things in a positive light. It takes practice.

P

The act of apologizing to my son was actually very humbling. I explained to him that I was upset but I didn't express it in a constructive way. He asked me if I got so upset because I had a bad day; I said yes; he paused, the nodded to himself and the said "ok". And all was well.

The following night, when the same behavior occurred (with my son that is, not me losing it), I just said, "Matty, remember when I got mad yesterday and then I apologized? I apologized for how I talked to you but not for what I said." He got all quiet again and then said, "I get it."... Then, of course, our oldest picked up where his brother left off, so I turned to him, a little bit more irritated and said, "I just finished having this conversation at this end of the table and now you start up?", I noticed my bilirubin rising, so I made myself not say anything before I escalated unnecessarily again.

Doing some research online, I actually found two books mentioned that made great sense to me, "Parenting from the inside out" by Daniel Siegel and "Buddhism for Mothers" by I don't know whom. I went to the library and read the chapters specifically on anger and it helped me greatly. I finally got it. I am a bit embarrassed by the realization because I find the explanation to be hoaky, but it makes absolute sense: my son's behavior triggered in me frustration from when I was a kid. That's why I exploaded the way I did.

This is something I clearly have to work on, I will keep on reading and I think I will keep a journal about it. By making it a conscious thing, I think it is easier to control. Thanks again for the advice.

Good on you, for reading up on this issue and deciding to do something about it.

I wish you well. Soon you will have the household you want.

P