Interesting when you gave options for if the estrangement affected your well-being, you didn't list any positive options, assuming all effects of the estrangement would be negative. There are estrangements that are beneficial to the estranged. Life can improve drastically for some people. Estrangement can bring relief and peace of mind and freedom.

If you don't acknowledge that some people benefit from estrangement, you can't truly understand what's going on to prevent or heal them. How can you heal an estrangment when on party believes 'my life is happier without you'? When one party doesn't want a healing?

I agree with bucyn's insightful observations. For some people and situations estrangement may be beneficial. The reasons behind estrangements are often complex, individual and situational.

I also doubt that anyone who comes to the conclusion that estrangement is their best option, or that their life may improve without the estranged party makes that decision lightly. They may have concluded that there are no other options, given that you cannot change other people's behaviors. It's not always a matter of that one party doesn't want healing.

Also, they may not be able to fully articulate why they reached the decision to estrange and more importantly they may not feel emotionally safe in discussing it, especially since there is so much judgement around the issue.

I fully agree with bucyn's statements. "If you don't acknowledge that some people benefit from estrangement, then you can't truly understand what's going on to prevent or heal them.

I started out answering some of the questions in this survey but gave up as many of the choices just don't apply to my situation, which in a nutshell means this survey is severely flawed, will not give meaningful results, and is therefore useless. I'm sure it will be the same for others. JMHO.

I am sorry some of you feel the survey is flawed. According to the Phd that helped write it, they felt the results would be very meaningful, so I am still hopeful that many of you will take the time to complete it.
I have to believe, based on their work, they know what they are doing...
If you don't feel that it applies to your situation, then of course, there is no need to waste anyone's time!
As an update, more adult children who are estranged from their parents have completed the survey so far.
I have been invited to give a presentation on estrangement at a conference this fall on trends facing emerging adults (18-29). Please let your voice be heard.

According to the folks who prepare these things, they ALWAYS feel the results will be "very meaningful".

You said: "If you don't feel that it applies to your situation, then of course, there is no need to waste anyone's time!"

Idiocy. In this single sentence you've obliterated any hope of meaningful results from the survey. The curse of every such study: Anyone who doesn't fit the pre-conceived model is eliminated via frustration and/or refusal before the tabulation even begins. The result will be, as it almost always is, lettered academics professing knowledge gained from survey-studies that is shallow and bogus.

The problem is two-fold. 1) the voices being heard that either don't know how your question should be answered in their particular case or are lying to you for fun and/or 2) the voices (probably most of the desired group) that you'll never see or hear because they don't know you exist or, if they do, don't trust you and won't talk to you.

No matter. In the end, the author's name says "PhD" after it and somebody somewhere uses it to order other peoples lives for a fee. Value is assumed for the survey and its results before it's ever undertaken.

The beat goes on, apparently. But not with any cooperation from me.

a Ph.d myself and having had to take a full year of statistic classes as a requirement prior to taking my comps, I assure you that statistical analysis is extremely biased and that most do not know how to write survey questions. That's why there is peer review, and that's why the wording of the questions is usually the weakest point of any survey.

Here's a story my stat prof used to demonstrate the difficult and subtle manipulation of survey questions:

Two priests were arguing about whether one could smoke and pray at the same time. After almost coming to blows over the question, they decided to write the pope for his opinion. To both their surprise, when they compared the pope's response they both claimed that the pope agreed with them. How could that be?

Then they looked at how the question was worded: "Sir, is it appropriate to smoke while praying?" the first priest had written, and the answer was strict and stern: "Absolutely not. Praying is a serious business and requires one's full attention and respect."

But the second had written: "Sir, is it appropriate to pray while smoking." and the answer was: "Certainly, prayer is appropriate at any time."

I just want to thank you all for your participation.. the number of people responding has been great!
On another note, I have been invited to speak and will be presenting at a Conference on Emerging Adults in Oct in Atlanta. I am really excited as I think between my documentary and your input there will be some interesting things to learn... alot of information for parents as well as their adult children... hopefully this information might make a difference.
Thanks again...

Again.. I can't thank you all enough! Whether you are coming from this link or another, your answers are really starting to add up..
On that note, I have added a component that I hope you will take the time to look at.
In researching this painful topic, family patterns are part of the equation. I have created a very very short set of questions that can be answered without participating in the full survey if you feel more comfortable doing that. In any case, I really appreciate your time and hope that you will take a look.

Here is a link that might be useful: Family Patterns Survey

Spoiled children become spoiled adults and then blame their parents and family for every failure and unhappiness in their adult lives.

Put THAT in your survey.

yoyobon,

"Spoiled children become spoiled adults and then blame their parents and family for every failure and unhappiness in their adult lives."

That's a sweeping generalization that doesn't fit every situation.

Once again, "The reasons behind estrangements are often complex, individual and situational."

If children are selfish and spoiled how did they become that way? I do agree that I see a lot of extremely selfish, inconsiderate and destructive behavior all around me and it doesn't just impact you personally.

Parent's who spoil their children wind up raising selfish adults who in turn behave irresponsibly, not just towards you, but others. Take a good look around you. It's not just pervasive in our culture--there's constant evidence of it everywhere and we are paying a heavy price.

Now the question is what to do about it?