How old is your daughter? My husband and I, with our daughter (16) are in family counselling. Our 2nd visit is tomorrow. The therapist said that before we start "talking" about our issues, we first have to learn how to listen and how to get our message across. The 3 of us are very assertive and, therefore, tend to "over talk" each other without really listening to what the others are trying to say. The biggest peeve with kids is that fact that "parents just don't listen". But like the therapist siad, when a parent says NO, the child thinks that the parent hasn't listened. That's when the parent says, "I heard you and I understand your point. But the answer is still NO."

You might have to do family counseling too. There's a reason why she's angry!

She's 15, and she's always, ever since she could walk and talk, had a problem with anger. My exhusband is a lot like that, I am extremely laid back. She had her first session Saturday, and the counselor recommended I start, too, so both of us are going to seperate sessions every Saturday. She lives with my ex, who handles her screaming, cussing and violent episodes way better than I, and I am going to suggest he come with me to my sessions.
What your counselor told you sounds pretty logical...she thinks no one is listenening, but it seems that only comes out when she isnt getting her way. I am hoping that she work on this as hard as I plan to, and of course, her father is going to be a big part of this too. I am scared he will dismiss all efforts and say "Well, thats just the way she is"!

Good Luck Styleandease,
I hope the sessions help. Good for you for trying to do something about it.
My child (now an adult of almost 30) has had anger issues, like you say, since being a toddler. Nothing has changed it, in fact it is now worse than ever. It is an awful thing to be on the receiving end. I feel for you. In the case of my child there seems to be some sort of problem with reasonsing skills. Everything and anything can be twisted around into something to toss a fit about.

Having others around who inadvertently support that kind of behavior by acting the same way is going to make this difficult for you. You may up end, being the odd-duck in this situation, and will have to be well supported by your therapist. The bottom line, in my opinion, is nobody should have to handle this kind of behavior, so it is not that your ex is doing better because he can handle it, he is actually encouraging it by accepting it and acting the same.
Sure, you could say 'that's just the way she is" but what kind of life is she being set up for with that kind of acceptance. Very few others outside of her immediate will accept her hostility, she will have few genuine friends, her life will be robbed of intimacy, trust, and safety because of her temper. Very few people want to get close to someone like that.
It saddens me to see my own child held at arms length by so many people, but I can understand why they do, if you get close enough she will bite you.
Again, congratulations for trying to be proactive, I really hope it helps. I hope she has a resolvable reason for being so angry, one that can be fixed, or one she is prepared to let go of.

styleanddease: If you can get your ex and daughter to understand that you have a very small window to try and correct this. Once she is 18, you cannot make her see someone, and if the behavior is not corrected, it will affect her relationships/marriage, the lives of your future grandchildren, and employment opportunities. It is that important.

If there is any chance of turning this around, I would imagine it is now.

I agree with bnice. I have watched this behavior in DH's daughter over the years. She messed up badly over the years, had three kids with three men - she didn't even know who the fathers of the oldest two are. Had numerous car accidents, lots of DUIs, drug use, was an exotic dancer. We are raising her second son, a special needs kid for the past five years. He's nearly 14. The oldest is in an intensive treatment center where he is finally responding after about 6 years! So when my stepdaughter finally gained custody of the youngest a month or so ago, DH gently counseled her to stay clean and straight and finally do the right thing for at least one of her kids. She went into a meltdown over the phone and later wrote a caustic letter. She's always had a nasty uncontrolled temper. Anger management is a great idea.