New on here. Not really consolation to see that Im not alone. I was a motherless daughter at age 7. I had a daughter at 20 in 1969. She is 43 now. I educated her alone, without a father. I made sure to be there whenever she needed me. I worked hard to be a mother, a father, a full family because there was nobody else around. She was a very gook kid, had a lot of friends in the house all the time. I fought my way to get a demanding professional job. I paid tuition in college to my daughter. At 17, she went around the world on some training program. I had confidence that she was well educated and could take care of herself. Came back, graduated from college. Had her own apartment at 18. She got a man friend in her twenties and anotherÂ, she was a cute young woman. She was partying, went into business, was very moderately successful. Made her presents that helped live better We were in what I can call terrific terms : shared some activities, I never pushed her into marrying or kids. Called her once or twice a month for a «how are you doing?» Would be together at Christmas and birthdays and be happy. Around 2008, she wanted to buy a house. She didnÂt have the cash. I am no millionaire but my house could be mortgaged to get some cash for her so that she could buy her house. A few years ago, my daughter fell «under the spell» of : a drug addict, penniless, violent, unfaithful, irresponsible in every aspect of life, ex jailbird with a brother an actual jail-bird etc. My tolerance to «the difference» and the «recoverable» has been seriously overstretched. HeÂs openly said that anybody who has more money than he, is fair game or owe to him. We are in that category, even if not by much. He has made her life miserable in all means, that she told me about herself. She would call mom crying and desperate «IÂm quitting, IÂm throwing him out» «But heÂs the love of my life!» She never left him. Seven years of that before I dramatically said «If youÂre to stay with him, donÂt come crying on my shoulder at every nastiness he throws on you : the list is very, very long. She texts and emails to my husband, her stepfather, (her business partner for a few months) how she will not take one idea or suggestion that may come from me Âimplying clearly be it good or not. IÂve had a reaction of «she definitely needs a kick in the ass to wake up». She would hang on me, tell me openly that she ditched my emails without reading them when I was only telling her that her behavior was very disturbing for me, and, I must say, in the view of quite a few other people who know her. Her answers deteriorated in the category, very rude « all you want is to control me and my life». My husband saying her repeatedly that she had gone too far got only a look out the window from her. He has to put up someway with her, they have some business together. After all IÂve done and given, I come to believe that her demand «tell me you love me the way I am» is nothing else than demanding the permission to hurt, humiliate, abuse by all means because «if you really love me, you canÂt hold it against me», which is a known way of this loser companion after his many foolishnesses. In those terms, love sounds like a currency she decides the value of. Love feels like a dirty word in that set up. It hurts a lot. It makes me want to suicide, to cry everyday. I went to see a psychologist who told me to forget, to think of something else. A mother can only worry and be shocked of such a late turn in a long loving, caring relation. A daughter who communicates with you or about you just to insult you while she is emptying your bank account (that is another aspect of the story) is profoundly disturbing. Unable to stomach her unpredictable scathing at me and, being told by a psychologist that he couldnÂt help me as I was not the sick one I ended up writing her letters using the kind of terms she now seems to «practice». She says she doesnÂt read any of them. It seems unreal! I donÂt know what is stronger the sorrow, the pain, the shame or the wrath. It is destroying me. Some psychologist told her to express her emotions, she says. ThatÂs quite a feat!

I once had an elderly relative who I would visit occasionally. We were not close. She was my grandfather's sister and I didn't meet her until I was in my 20s. Whenever I did see her she would make some comment about how long it had been since the last phone call/visit. It didn't make it fun to see her to be reminded that I had been remiss. I would lay off anything that is remotely guilt-trip-like including comments about broken dialing fingers, etc. They aren't amusing if the relationship is the least bit strained. Do drop the phone from your plan as scheduled. Give him another notice the day before that as of tomorrow the service will end. It only takes a day to get another phone. You may not have the number any longer, however! As for how he treats you and speaks to you. Be direct be clear. Not the same as a guilt trip. I have been through this with my kids. They are not permitted to snarl at me or ignore me or treat me like an ATM machine and short order cook. I have told them how this makes me feel. That it is hurtful. I once left my 12 year old daughter at a horse show (she had a ride home) after being given the bum's rush everytime I came over to where she was. I explained that I didn't like being treated like an annoyance unless she wanted money. Since she seemed too occupied with her friends to eat with me or talk to me, I was going home. I left in tears while she stood there crying and begging me to stay. She got it. Since then she has almost always been very thoughtful aobut my presence at one of her shows. One thing I learned as a mom and an employee and as a woman was how to say no. When I wore myself out trying to do everything for everyone (and nothing for myself) no one was happy or appreciative. Once I defined boundaries, said no if it was a burden or too costly or I was tired, my family and others became far more appreciative of those things I am willing and able to do. My children thank me for home cooked meals and trips to the mall or rides or having friends over. One thing to remember about saying no (calmly and quietly with no excuses) after everyone being used to you dropping and doing on demand is that they will be surprised and angry. Trust me, it will pass. In it's place will be new respect and appreciation. Really!

I am recently estranged from my 26 year old son. It happened last summer after what was supposed to be a wonderful family trip to Hawaii. We invited my oldest son and his wife to come along with us, all expenses paid. We had been fortunate to have free air travel due to mileage. To make a long story short, are daughter in law has never liked us. Almost as soon as I met her I told my husband that she was very comfortable with us (i.e. lack of respect!) As soon as they were engaged I started hearing about things I had done that 'hurt her badly," from my son. This went on up to the wedding, with me continually apologizing and making amends for crimes I didn't commit. My husband told my son at the wedding that we really wanted his wife to call us Mom and Dad now, not by our first names which she had been given permission to address us by (reluctantly.) Since we had so much turmoil in the 1 1/2 that they were engaged, we thought it best to stay out of their lives as much as possible so that perhaps she would feel more secure and comfortable with us. We wanted them to know we weren't going to be interfering. We stuck by our guns, but continually were insulted by the way she conducts herself with us at get togethers. She acts bored, doesn't join in on the conversation, and is generally awful to be around. My son never seemed to notice her behavior, or if he did he ignored it out of his feelings for her. I should say also that my son had very little experience with dating, and no other serious relationship before he met this girl. I should also say that I believe she mislead him as to what her values were so that she would measure up to what he wanted, just so that he would marry her. A year before our trip to Hawaii we decided to invite them with us and our youngest son. I made it clear to my son that I didn't want to know an answer from him so that if they didn't want to go we wouldn't assume it was she who decided it. I also made it clear straight away that we wanted this to be a family vacation, i.e. do things together most of the time. My son had no problem with that, yet as the time drew nearer I kept getting odd phone calls questioning how much time I meant by most. From the minute they showed up at our door at 7am the morning of the trip I knew it was not going to be good. Most people on their way for 10 days expenses paid to Hawaii would be so excited and in a good mood, right? Not my DIL, she looked like she'd rather be doing anything else. She didn't talk to us in the car, on the plane, etc. Thankfully my husband and I sat together and the three of them sat together. My two sons conversed most of the trip, but my DIL did her own thing and tried to sleep. Hawaii was a nightmare. From the start of getting there they were off on their own. We'd have dinner together and she wouldn't join in and acted bored to tears. When we did spend time together she and my son would be off by themselves, while the three of us walked alone. Finally near the end of the trip it came to a boiling point. My husband took my sons out for a beer and confronted my son about his wife's behavior. My son admitted he had noticed her being quiet. Apparently my son came back and talked to his wife about it since by the next morning she had locked him out of the condo bedroom. My son was beside himself, so my husband managed to get his wife out of their bedroom and outside to talk. My husband is very good at calming emotional situations as he does this quite often in his job. Though he talked to her, she just claimed that she has the type of personality where she'd rather listen. Of course this didn't jive with a few experiences we had in Hawaii where we joined up with friends of my son and DIL that happened to be there. When we were with their friends she was the life of the party, talking, laughing and carrying on. Still my husband talked with her, explained how we were feeling, lsitened to her side and came back to the condo with her announcing to us all that she didn't mean anything by her behavior, that she is just introspective! We spent the last day in Maui with all of us together, but her behavior was just a bit better then it had been. Since my son and I had had words also over the tension, I'd say it was still tense when we got back home even though we had basically made up. The rest of the summer was discussing, arguing, and hearing what we are sure was an out and out lie for her behavior on our trip. She didn't tell my son about this until she was confronted, and my son wouldn't tell me anything other than they had got bad news while in Hawaii. Finally after me pressing him for the bad news by stating we were worried (which we were,) he told me that his wife had thought she had a miscarriage. I asked if she was late, if they were trying, why did she think she had a miscarriage? He told me no to all my questions, and stated she thought she saw something. If she had been pregnant and had lost the baby at two weeks there certainly wouldn't be any evidence she could see. Still, we couldn't accuse her of lying to our son. Also, even though she had a cell phone that would allow her to call the states for a local rate, it never occured to her to call her dr., her mom, or talk to me. She was 'too embarassed' to talk to me because she is so afraid of having a miscarriage because allegedly her mother had several. To think my son fell for this line is absolutely amazing, but then it was ingenuis since most men wouldn't have a clue. It wasn't until she was home that she found out from 'someone' that she didn't miscarry. This was according to my son. Now if that someone had been a dr., I'm sure she would have stated dr., not someone. After her escapade in Hawaii we told our son she could no longer address us by our first names, that we wanted her to call us Mr. & Mrs. as before due to her obvious lack of respect for us. We didn't state the respect part to our son as the reason though. She refused to do so, causing so much anguish for our son. Mind you my son has been seeing a therapist since they got married, and is on medication. His wife however doesn't go to therapy or take meds that we know of. After a tumultuous fall, it reached the breaking point one night when he called with a list of 'issues' he had with us. This is a son who we used to have a wonderful relationship with, and all of a sudden we had wronged him. After a raging arguement at their condo where my son wouldn't let us in his apartment to discuss things, threatened to call the police, and finally had me reacting emotionally by calling my DIL a b*@ch. This was followed by my son calling me a F'ing b*@ch. I was crushed. The next few days were hell, and by day three I emailed my DIL and apologized for my emotional outburst. I put a return receipton the email and copied my son in so that I would know they both saw my apology. She never opened it. My son finally opened it 3 or 4 days after I sent it, but not reply, nothing. I was so angry that even after my apology that he didn't react that I wrote a three page letter listing all the things that had gone on in the past 3.5 years and also a few jabs. It was an email which is all to easy to write and send off before you have time to let everything you said sink in. I'll never send an angry email again, from now on it gets saved as a draft and given some time to think about. Still, even though my email was very blunt, my husband and younger son said I was right in what I had said. I probably could have left out a few remarks that were very sarcastic though, and I'm sure that even though what I said was true that it still hurt my son. Since that time I have only text messaged my son to let him know that I love him and that he is always welcome back. He did return my text with a very short 'thanks' and that he loved me to. He's never called. We didn't see them for Thanksgiving, and only saw them a week after turkey day because my sister in law had a party for her daughter who turned 30. They came and did come in and greet my husband and I, but I know it was a charade since the whole family was basically watching. They never talked to us again that night. My husband wouldn't even stand up to hug my son, though he did embrace him somewhat. My husband also acted as if he didn't see my son's wife to avoid greeting her at all. I did however give a hug to both my son and his wife. Later we all went bowling and were on two different teams. It is a big family so we had about 10 peoples on each team. We never spoke during that time, but when we left I did say goodbye to his wife and hugged my son and told him I loved him. He has never said he is sorry to me for his outburst, and it hurts me so much. I realize now that my son was never the person I thought he was. My younger son has helped me see how selfish he always was, and that though my DIL may be evil, she just helps feed his already immature personality that doesn't seem to be able to be natural. It's as if the two of them are play acting. Everyone thinks they are so special with all the kind things they do for the family, yet who are they the least kind too, us! Their relationship is a facade. They both drink too much, and are both very much 'me' people. They don't speak about important things, and though at one time my son seemed to think family was of the greatest importance, he now seems to not care at all. I don't know if he even loves us or not. I am devastated, and every day seems like I have more weird stress and anxiety symptoms to deal with. I could never have imagined this happening in a million years. We did nothing but bend over backwards for 3 years to please his girlfriend and wife. We wanted to like her because she was so important to him. We would have done almost anything to make things work, but Hawaii was the final straw. If we didn't have my younger son with us I doubt anyone would really believe us that it could have been that bad. Without us ever saying a word to my younger son, the first night when we went out to dinner and my son and his wife split off from us we got a mouthful from the younger brother. Our son came outside by us and told angrily told us that he had never met anyone like his brother's wife. He told us she was ungrateful, and he couldn't understand how she just couldn't pretend to like us. I think I might be insane if it weren't for the fact that a 23 year old see's through her, even if my 26 year old can't. I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. I jsut want to move on and leave him behind. No child who treats his parent's this way deserves to be in their lives. Every day I say I'm moving on, but it is like slow motion and all sorts of things trigger angry emotional feelings. It is so surreal. I know I went overboard writing this message, so please forgive me. I'll take any support, advice that anyone can give. I don't know how i"m going to live out the rest of my days without him, yet I don't want him if he is going to be this cold to us. anniebal

Reading this thread makes me cry . . . How easy it is to tell someone else that it's their own fault they're being abused. People who would never think to tell a woman who was being beaten by her husband or one that had been attacked by the "nice" guy she'd been dating that they were at fault seem to have no problem turning around and telling a parent that they're just getting what they deserve if another adult who just happens to be someone to whom they contributed some DNA and whom they tried to raise as a good person is the one causing this kind of damage. I admit, I wasn't a perfect parent. I was abused as a child/adolescent/young adult by everyone from my parents to the man I thought (at the time) was the love of my life. In an effort to stop the cycle of abuse I swore never to raise my hand to my child. However, I guess I went too far the other way - in an effort to engender a sense of self-esteem, self-respect and self-love that I never felt I was overly sensitive to her needs, wants and feelings. The odd thing is that her younger sister, whom I also raised, is nothing like her. Her sister would never think of sending me to the hospital with a cracked wrist and a concussion, or calling me a disgusting b**ch or stealing my car, my money, my credit and debit cards. The older one is manipulative, cruel and narcissistic. But she has my grandson, who is a powerless, innocent pawn in her twisted view of what I "owe" her. And I can't make her move out without her taking him with her, thus leaving him homeless and vulnerable - especially when she has no one else to take her stress and anger out on once she's gone. She's never been physically abusive toward him, but I've heard the way she talks to and treats him when she's angry . . . When it's just the two of them what's to stop it from escalating? What?!? Call the police and/or social services, you say? But I/we don't have any bruises and she says we're lying and over-reacting. Charge her with theft? She lives with me and I voluntarily let her drive my car at one point so now it's not considered theft any more - they tell me to go to court and sue her to get my car back. Kick her out? And what happens to the sweet 8-yr-old boy she has in her power? And how do I pay for the windows she'll break, the car she'll trash in retaliation, the doors she'll kick in, the apartment she'll get me kicked out of with her disruptive behavior? Move? Yes, because I have hundreds or even thousands of dollars just sitting in a bank account that she hasn't stolen or manipulated out of me yet, so I can just pick up, break my lease and go somewhere else. And none of these reasons even begin to touch on the intense love I have for this woman/child to whom I gave birth and who has been part of my life longer than anyone except my parent. Or how I want her to have a better life than I did and, therefore, feel a compulsive need to protect her - even from herself. Are you a parent? Look at that infant or toddler or child sleeping so peacefully there by you and tell me you don't want to protect him / her from harm. That feeling doesn't go away just because they get bigger - maybe you learn to step back and let them fly on their own, but the impulse to protect will ALWAYS be there. So when you know that going to the police will have life-long negative consequences for him/her you hesitate. Yes, when I had bruises I called the police and pressed charges and had custody of her son removed and the positive consequences of those actions were much shorter lived than the negative. She got off drugs and straightened up, sure, but now she can't get a job because of her record. And because she can't get a job she depends on me, and because she depends on me she resents me, and because she resents me she abuses me. How do you fix that circle? Giving her more current charges only makes it worse. Thanks for judging me on top of all the stress I'm going through trying to find my way through this dark and dangerous part of my life, it's making it so much easier for me to see and negotiate my path.