18 year old daughter loses her mind
Burnedout
11 years ago
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Comments (7)
Burnedout
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoLuAnn_in_PA
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
step dad and 8 year old daughter
Comments (22)Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was....See Moremy bf has a 13 year old daughter who is really upsetting me
Comments (21)Went through the same thing with my DH daugther. but she was 6 or 7ish at the time. Its understandable. She feels now she is competeing with you and is expressing it like a 13 year old. Dont let it bother you. Always keep open communication with her and your bf. Dotn think too far like having kids now. Keep dating and live together , take it one day at a time. More important. You and your Bf have to be on the same page and stick to your relationship. His daughter does not dictate your time or how you date your bf. You are the adult.You are in control with your BF. Let him speak to his daughter, let him keep at it with her. You keep your cool and at her age, the teen years she is also going through alot of emotions. Give her space and give her time. If she acts out during vacation let her father deal with it. Dont let it get you down. When she acts like a baby, then leave her with her dad to deal with and you get out and enjoy yourself. You make sure you show her that her behaviour is not nice and that it wont get your down. She wants to behalf nasty then she will have to deal with the consequences. My SD doesn have text messaging and i wouldn't accept it either between me and her. Just gives her power and i do not let her have any since now adays she is being rude. She's a teen:) Thats how they are. Deosnt matter if they are biokids or stepkids or adopted kids...its the age! But it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Stand your ground and you keep telling her how you feel. BUT if she gets a rise out of you being hurt then you ignore her tactics and say its a wonderful day and your are soooo happy. :) There will be many games , and many ups and downs..i'm sure she does like you . She just needs to adjust and really understand that she doesn't have to be threatened by you. This is what it is. She feels that now that her dad has someone, he wont be as close with her even though the times of seeing her haven't changed. Over time you will prove yourself with your actions and words. Be friends but if she resists..don't force it. you can only be friends with her...not her mother. So if she doesn't want to be friends with you..its ok. I told my SD...if she doesn't want to be friends that's fine with me. I have alot of friends. But you be respectful towards antoher human being..if not..the door is there. Swing both ways..I dont care who you are related to....See More13 year old daughter doesn't like step mother to be.
Comments (12)I wonder if your ex is not putting your daughter up to the things that she is saying. She pretty much just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't end my relationship with "some girl" that her and my relationship is in jeopardy The "some girl" comment sounds very much like the "you look like you're 16" comment that my (30 year old) sisters (6 year old) step daughter made when she (sister) got serious with "dad". It was something that SDs mom had said (trying to imply that she was too young to be with him). There is a lot of poisoning that goes on (whether intentional or not) when people split up. It seems like sometimes, even if mom moves on, she's still not willing to see dad do the same. You need to (gently) find out if the ultimatum (end it or lose me) is coming from your daughter or your ex. When my DH's ex found out that I wasn't going anywhere, she cut off all contact between DH and his two children. He hasn't seen or spoken with them in three and a half years. Is there any chance your daughter believes something like this could happen? Is there any chance that mom is telling her things like, if your dad marries her, he won't have time for you, or he'll have a new family and won't want you anymore...or you're not going to go stay with him if that 'girl' is living with him...etc.? Good Luck!! Just one other thing I'd like to comment on... Dyans World...you say My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake. Please know that I am saying this in the most heart felt way, and I mean no disrespect to your mother or 'daddy'... I don't know how old you were when your parents separated...but I know that for the past three and a half years my husbands ex has been telling his children (and anyone else who will listen) that he "didn't want them", that he "abandoned" them, even that he abused them. She has told them so many lies that these children, who used to crawl up on his lap and yell "Daddy! Daddy!" whenever they saw him, are now afraid of him, even though they wouldn't recognize him now if they saw him. (They were 1.5 and 3.5 when they were last together.) Mommy has remarried. She has the children calling her husband "Daddy" and refering to my husband, their bio father, by his first name, or as "Bad Daddy" (told to a therapist by daughter a year ago). I am fairly certain that she also tells them that it is my fault that he doesn't want to be with them, because we have a baby (their little brother, that they have never met). I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow, the depth of mourning that my husband has gone through, and still goes through when he thinks of his two children. They are so close to us, only five minutes away, yet they could as easily be in another country. We do not even know what they look like. I have cried, both with my husband, and for him, for the pain that he faces every day, and because of the knowledge of what his children, whom he loves very much, are being raised to think of him. We have been fighting, through the lawyers, for three and a half years, with no success, because we cannot give up, but in my heart I know that if we don't get to reestablish the relationship in the next five years, they will be lost to us. They are being so thoroughly poisoned against their dad. He has been vilified... that if they reach the age where they can tell the courts whether or not they want to go (around 12 or 13) before they get to know the loving, wonderful man that their father really is, they will never get to know him, and we will lose them forever. I mean no disrespect to your mom. And I'm not trying to downplay the significant role of the Daddy who raised you along side your mother, but sometimes things aren't what they seem. If you haven't heard your bio dad's side, from him, then can I please encourage you to try to contact him? You may find that this stranger, who left so long ago, has loved you and thought of you and mourned the loss of your relationship all this time. If that's true, try not to feel that he gave up on you...the courts are so biased against fathers...I know that it is such an emotionally draining battle...every letter from the lawyer is like a knife in the heart, when they tell you that you cannot see your children, and many people say, "Just let go" "Move on" or tell them that if they keep fighting for access they're just causing more turmoil for their kids "they're better off, if you just leave it alone" "they've adjusted to their new life" "you'll only upset them more". My husbands ex took the children and left, got a new beau, married him, and is trying to make her new "perfect family" with him, and writing out the past...and my husband with it. If you go and find your dad, you will never have the relationship you could have had, if you'd grown up with him in your life...the memories of our childhoods impact our bonds...but you still have the option to build a relationship from this point on. Somewhere out there, there may be a man who loves you and misses you, to this day. Kind thoughts. Verena...See MoreNeed some advice regarding my 18 year old (sorry long)
Comments (58)Lovemykids Too, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are a lot of parents who have been through similar things, so don't feel like you are the only one. We went through some difficult times with one of my kids, so I sympathize with you and I have advice. First, nurture and take care of your marriage. For a lot of couples these kinds of problems take a toll on a marriage. Next, even if your son won't go to counseling, you can go. Particularly if he has anxiety and/or depression you may want to get some tips on how to handle this from a professional. If you haven't been to counseling before then keep in mind you may have to try more than one to find someone you can relate to. My husband and I found a wonderful counselor who had been through a lot of the same things our child had been through, but the first counselor we tried was a useless waste of time. If it were my child, I would consider paying for a cell phone for my son. It would be worth it to me to be able to call him directly if he went back to live at his girlfriend's house. But you don't owe him a cell phone and don't pay for one if you don't want to. In my opinion you are doing the right thing about the car. If the car becomes a major point of contention then I might even sell it or keep it and store it somewhere else. Since I'm not familiar with the situation I am just guessing, but perhaps the situation might partially resolve itself as time goes on? I can't imagine your son's girlfriend's parents like having an unemployed 19 year old man around who can't help pay for food and has no car. Hmmm, sleeping on the couch, sharing a car, burden on girlfriend's family....betcha there's more to that story than he's telling. Maybe girlfriend will lose interest after a few months if he has no more money. I would talk to the counselor about what to do when your son swears at you and says he hates you. Our daughter never did that and I have no idea what to do but I would be very reluctant to allow a grown man (or woman), even my own child, swear at me and say he hates me while he was standing in my own house. I would sit down with my husband and my son and work out a formal agreement between adults who live in the same house. I would go to a neutral location, like a local McDonald's, sit down with a cup of coffee and a notepad and tell him that you respect the fact that he is an adult. Ask him to tell you what he thinks parents should expect from an adult son living in their house and what adult sons should expect from their parents. Hear him out. Stay calm. Although he is sort of an adult, he's a very young adult, so model the behavior you wish he would use. If he starts getting angry or if you start getting angry, you can always stop the session with "I'm glad we sat down and talked together, it has been very helpful to hear what you think, let us think about it and we'll talk again tomorrow". If he is talking without swearing or yelling then be sure to end the session before he gets tired or overwhelmed and the situation deteriorates. Resist the urge to keep pushing through because he's been *good*. At this point you want to start a pattern of reasonable communication more than you want the agreement, although you do want the agreement. Another tool in your toolbox is "convince me". Instead of convincing HIM that you are right, ask him to convince you. I think I would find something that you think you could compromise on and let him convince you before I started on something bigger. Another great phrase is "you are an adult and I know you will figure this out". Also excellent is "what is your plan", a very versatile phrase. Also good is "you are an adult, adults contribute to the household they live in, how do you plan to contribute to this household". Adults living in a household pay their way, either rent, chores, or both. My daughter asked to discuss our issues by email and I was reluctant to do that, but it worked out much better for her and surprisingly also for her dad. We handled some in person but some in email. Work out consequences for infractions, yours and his. Don't agree to consequences that you won't follow through on. Don't tell him he can't live there if he doesn't mow the grass unless you're prepared to make him move out if he doesn't mow the grass. Not all consequences have to be negative. Maybe one of his consequences has to be finding a joke that makes the whole family laugh, maybe he has to figure out how to make ganache for the family or you get to wake him up with a silly song in the morning. Maybe the family has to eat dinner and talk to one another only through sock puppets, or he has to learn to say a phrase of your choice in Italian. Or give him a choice out of 3 things. I picked something that my daughter could not do without laughing and that worked like magic. She couldn't wallow in her role as martyred victim if she was laughing. Stay calm. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. If your son starts swearing, yelling, saying hateful things or if you start getting angry you can always tell him that you are stepping away for now until you can all talk like reasonable adults. Your theme is reasonable, calm, adult. It may take some time to change the dynamic and don't expect overnight change. Since your son has anxiety and depression, it would probably be very helpful if there is some kind of exercise or outdoor activity he would do with your husband, you, or a sibling. Kayaking? Rock climbing or bouldering? Disc golf? Geocaching? That phone Pokemon thing together? I doubt you will accomplish anything positive by criticizing the girlfriend. Just try not to dwell on the girlfriend in your head. I tried very hard to remember that I taught my daughter to do the right thing, and if she wasn't doing it that was on her, not her boyfriend. Your best hope is that you taught your son well and hopefully he will recognize the flaws in his girlfriend over time and they will either both grow up and be better people or he will end that relationship. Having 5K, blowing it all because his girlfriend wanted him to and ending up with no job, no car, and no money to do fun things with that girlfriend is a priceless lesson that could save him untold amounts of grief later in life. Don't be manipulated, it won't help your son. Have confidence in yourself and remember that what you want is a responsible, reasonable, self-supporting son in the long run. My once-difficult daughter is now a kind, thoughtful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is as lovely on the inside as she is on the outside, which is saying a lot because she's very pretty. I could not ask for a better daughter. And her bratty boyfriend is now a wonderful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is a much-loved and wanted member of our family (they married last year). But in the thick of our difficult times all I could do was try to do the right thing, hang on and hope for the best. Best of everything to you and your family and hang in there....See MoreBurnedout
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodreamgarden
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodaisyinga
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoazzalea
11 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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